ElanSubdued
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wickedgame916 in http://www.collarchat.com/m_2082800/tm.htm:
I'm very new to all of this. I have a husband who says I would make a great domina, and one of his greatest and most frequent fantasies is to have me totally dominate him. But where to start? Any advice?
I'm surprised at the somewhat negative tone in some of the replies you've received. Likewise, phrases such as "never let the slave top from the bottom; the mistress commands, the slave obeys; it should never be about his fantasy if you really want to truly dominate him" are, in my opinion, rather meaningless in your situation and not terribly useful in actual BDSM relationships. It may make for wonderfully hot, deliciously kinky, dogmatic protocol to say "the mistress commands, the slave obeys", but in an actual relationship, and particularly in marriage, such a singular modus operandi is toxic and suicidal. No matter how kinky and devoted to symbiotic BDSM lifestyle the participants are, I've never seen a relationship that can withstand an entirely one-sided, uncompromising approach. For a period of time such an approach might work, but over the long haul I've not found this to be true. Similarly, phrases like "topping from the bottom" and its counterpart "bottoming from the top" are some of the most overused, counter-productive labels in BDSM and I encourage you not to concern yourself with these.
So... you love your husband, you're in an open marriage, and you're now interested in exploring dominating your husband. I don't think it matters whether the idea of you dominating your husband came from he or you. What *does* matter is that the two of you have discussed this and you're curious to give it a try. Therefore, I'll cover four, broad areas immediately: "Leading a Horse to Water", "Feelings of Discomfort", "Getting and Taking What You Want", and "The Importance of Negotiation".
---- Leading a Horse to Water ----
The proverb "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink" (meaning, by implication, that a person, will only do what they want to do) applies aptly to your situation. If you feel as though you're being forced into this, that's not a good place to start. A spouse and/or partner may ask you to consider something. There is nothing wrong with a partner brining up an idea. However, if you're truly not interested, forcing yourself likely won't make you any more interested. On the contrary, if you feel forced, resentment is likely to build. Such an approach will probably leave bad feelings for both of you. Thus, if you truly don't want to dominate your husband, you're better off just being honest and saying "no thanks, that isn't my cup of tea".
After reading your profile, it seems you play and switch with women (or you are interested in this) so perhaps it isn't that far a stretch to dominate your husband. Given that you speak of your marriage as being "open", another option is that your husband can find someone else to dominate him. Of course, if your husband is going to play with someone else, you'll need to negotiate parameters and limits that work for both of you. This isn't always an easy thing to do - easy to say, not necessarily easy to do. However, with honesty and trust, and enough mutual compatibility in how flexible you're both willing to be, this can work and does work for many. I encourage you both to be honest and understanding of one another. Compromise is one of the magic ingredients that fuels most long-term relationships.
It may be that your husband wants to experience a submissive connection specifically with you as his dominant. Well, actually, I think this is a given seeing as that's probably why he is encouraging you to dominate him! Thus, him finding someone else to dominate him may not be an option. Likewise, you may not be comfortable with someone else playing with him in this fashion. Therefore, I encourage you to at least consider his request with an open mind (which it seems you are). I'll underline again that, in my opinion, it doesn't matter where the idea of you dominating him came from. It could have initiated as his fantasy, your fantasy, or a fantasy you both had. The point is that you're now talking about it. Some might suggest that a domina isn't authentic if her motivation initially came from her partner. I call bullshit on this line of thinking. It doesn't matter where the idea came from. If this is something *you* have decided to explore, that's as dominant as you ever need to be. Making decisions and exploring options that work for you and hopefully that also work for your husband is a great way to discover yourself and simultaneously to grow with your partner.
---- Feelings of Discomfort ----
As is often the case when trying something new, domination may not feel natural or comfortable to you at first. Don't let a lack of comfort discourage you. I'm a man who knew he was submissive long before being old enough to know what terms like bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism meant. Later on, as I explored my psychology and sexuality, the partners I fell in love with didn't always fit with my BDSM ideals. Some were vanilla. Some where dominant. Some were submissive. Some were switches.
At one point, I found myself in the same situation you're in now. So there I was with a partner I loved and she happened to be submissive. I'd never dominated anyone. Gee... what do I do? She wanted me to whip her and I didn't know how or if I could. The happy ending to this story is that not only did I learn the technical and safety details of how to whip her, we both had a great time learning together and ultimately I became her dominant. Sure, I made some mistakes and I had more than a few embarrassing moments while gaining some footing with a "top" hat on, but during this process my partner and I communicated, kept a sense of humour, and built a wonderful, trusting connection - much moreso, I'm guessing, than if we had been each other's ideal BDSM partners.
Regarding the question "how do I dominate him", first and foremost, I encourage you not to worry about the exact BDSM activities you share with your husband. The important thing is that you two communicate and enjoy one another. There is no correct way to dominate someone or to conduct BDSM dynamics and play. You might, for example, attempt commanding your husband to pour you a bath and rub your feet. As you make this request the first time, from nervousness, perhaps your voice cracks or you stumble on your words, and your husband smiles because he notices. You may feel embarrassed and that your "dominant" persona is blown. Perhaps you yourself start laughing or your face turns red. Wonderful! The two of you are communicating, learning together, and having fun. After you've finished laughing and have regained your composure, how do re-establish dominance and control over the situation? Actually, it's not as hard as you may think. Smack your husband (the "boy") on the ass and say "now go run my bath; I'll be there in a few minutes for you to rub my feet". Fait accompli!
If you're having difficulty getting into a dominant headspace, here's something that worked for me. Think about (and if possible, watch) your partner for a while. Admire and eroticize their mind and body. Think sexy thoughts and imagine what it would be like to have your partner's mind and body pampering you and totally at your disposal for you to devour and play with. If need be, read a sexy book, flirt with your partner, masturbate, or do whatever else usually causes your sexual arousal and yearning for your partner to build. It may take you more than a day to work yourself up into the right headspace. Once you're in a mentally, physically, greedy, sexually hungry, "I want to rip his clothes off and swallow him whole state of mind", go to it! For me, when I was starting out trying to dominate my female submissive, this worked very well. Granted, I realize men and women eroticize things differently, but when it comes to sexual hunger, we're not as different as society wants us to think. One last thought here. There are those who would say dominance has nothing to do with sex. I don't disagree with this notion. However, there is nothing wrong with enjoying a little candy to help build your dominant groove. :-)
---- Getting and Taking What You Want ----
You'll be surprised how much fun it is to have someone cater to you. Indeed, for you to enjoy this, you needn't have an uber-dominant, "enslaving my partner" mindset. It can simply be that you enjoy being pampered. Do you like orgasms? (Sorry for the silly question.) Voila! With a little bit of communication and negotiation with your husband such that he becomes submissive to you at least part of the time, you now have orgasms on tap, exactly the way you want them.
Here's a suggestion. For relaxation, have your husband kiss, lick, and sexually stimulate you while you relax, watch television, or do whatever else you like to do to wind down. When and if you feel like having an orgasm, take this from him however you want. Command him to keep licking, if need be, until his tongue falls out of his mouth. Pull him on top of you (yes, on top if that works for you) and plunge his cock (now your cock because you command it) inside you. Work him up and down at the speed you want or get him to do it for you. If missionary, on all fours, or something else works better for you, have it the way *you* want.
Then again, perhaps penetration isn't your thing. The point is you can have exactly what *is* your thing. If at first your husband isn't giving you the sexual stimulation you want, grab him by the hair, stop him, give him some instruction, and put him back to "work". You don't have to ask permission. Being on the dominant side does have its perks. :-) If your submissive isn't getting the right spot, move him to where you want, and say "lick, bitch" or "fuck, bitch". You can have any speed you want... any type of stimulation you want... any anything you want.
Afterward, you might choose to have another orgasm in the same or a different way (the boy may come in useful for this again), and you might or might not let your partner have an orgasm. Keep in mind that lots of dominas enjoy their partner's orgasms. It's not un-dommely to suck, fuck, and have sex with your partner any way you like, and it's also not un-dommely to enjoy your partner enjoying himself. Ideally, you are both enjoying yourselves.
Once you're satiated, the bonus comes in. Perhaps you'd like a snack before bed. After all, you did just have an orgasm, or two, or three. So send your submissive out to the kitchen to fetch you a snack! Like I said, dominance has it's perks. :-)
Keep in mind that as you explore taking, holding, and commanding the reins, things will feel more natural as you go along. A parallel is the first time you drove a car. At first, everything probably felt difficult and un-natural. The controls were hard to use and you weren't even sure what they all did. As you gained more experience driving though, things got much easier to the point where you actually enjoyed getting in a car. And now, after lots of driving experience, you may well enjoy driving in ways that would never have been impossible at first.
Take your time and learn at your own pace. If you're not sure about something, ask your husband and other kinksters (as you did here). If you don't want to do something until you consider it some more, it is entirely your right to say "not right now... I want more time to think about that". Likewise, there are things that may not appeal to you. While I always advise keeping an open mind and being willing to try activities at least once, some activities simply don't appeal to you and that's fine. It's okay to say "no, I don't want to try that". Concentrate on the things that both you and your husband find a turn-on. There is no race here. You've got all the time in the world to ponder other things that you might like to try later and indeed, after some thought, you may decide that those things are or are not for you. If you do decide to try something new, the first time you experience it isn't necessarily the best time to pass judgment - for some things yes, and for others no. You may need to experiment and sample a few more times before you decide if a taste can be acquired. Personally, some of my absolutely favorite things are tastes I tried more than one before acquiring them. Of course, you must use your own preferences, judgment, and comfort level here.
While you and your husband are talking about this, I encourage you both to be honest, communicative, accepting, supportive, and willing to compromise. These are, in my opinion, some of the most important tools any kinkster has.
In your case wickedgame916, you may well not want to be dominant to your husband all the time. Find your groove and comfort level, and communicate this to your husband. In my opinion, there is never a time when any partner can't say "stop, I need to talk to you". There are also lots of occasions when one or both of you may need to connect on levels that transcend BDSM. Just because you're exploring BDSM together doesn't mean the vanilla aspects of your relationship stop happening. Indeed, the vanilla aspects of kinky relationships form the most critical foundations between the partners. Therefore, respect and cherish each other as human beings first and as BDSM partners second. Make love to one another, just as human beings. Kiss one another lots. Listen to one another lots. Keep enjoying and sharing all the things you did before you decided to explore BDSM with one another.
Before leaving the topic of "getting what you want", I must underline something that often gets lost in the salacious, delicious shuffle we call BDSM. Kinky people are all human beings, and all people have needs, concerns, emotions, likes, dislikes, goals, etc. Thus, while it can be fun and, believe it or not, intoxicating to have a submissive you can use any way you wish, it is always wise to consider your submissive's needs as well as your own. I underline for your husband (and for other submissives reading) that this goes both ways. You may arrive home one night and you're not in the mood for BDSM play. It may also be the case that you're in the mood to play and your partner is not. Thus, as much as you can play your "dominant, authoritarian card" and order your submissive to give you what you want, neither of you is likely to enjoy service that is given unwillingly and with resentment. The inverse is a pouting, demanding submissive who isn't understanding, supportive, and respecting of your needs. Again, this is another recipe for no fun for everyone involved. Sometimes, as a dominant, you will take what you want and/or make decisions that are not popular with your submissive. This is your prerogative as the dominant. Abuse this privilege too much though and you'll find you have a rebellious, unhappy submissive, and an unhappy relationship.
---- The Importance of Negotiation ----
We kinky folk tend to identify ourselves using titles like owner, master, dominant, top, switch, pet, submissive, and slave. In the BDSM continuum, an extremely common notion is that of commander types (who hold the reins) and their follower types (who obey). This is all well and good, however, it's important to remember that consensuality is a fundamental tenet of BDSM. This means we do what we do with consenting partners. The type of consent involved is interesting because it's an ongoing thing rather than something akin to a legal contract wherein the parties sign, in one-time only fashion, on the dotted line. In BDSM, a person can give and withdraw consent at any time and it is my belief that all partners (whether commander types or follower types) must respect this. Not to respect this is to render what we do abusive.
So, what is negotiation and why is it important?
As a dominant, when you negotiate with your submissive, you find out the things of interest to them, the things they might try simply because these are a turn-on for you, and the things they simply do not want to do under any circumstances. You also find out your submissive's health issues and places where they don't wish to or cannot be stimulated, bound, hit, and played with. These are called a person's limits. All people have limits (dominants too) and indeed the negotiation process isn't one-way. Thus, as the dominant, you share your own limits with your partner. Together, the two of you come up with a road map of activities and protocols that generally fall into three categories: acceptable to do without asking; acceptable to do, but asking is required first; and not acceptable under any circumstances. Some partners attempt to negotiate all of this up front. Other partners do this in a more organic way, filling in details as they go along. In actuality, most people end up using a combination of both approaches.
The purpose of this "road map" is to help pave the way for a smooth BDSM relationship and enjoyable play for everyone involved. This process is an important part of the consensual nature of BDSM, because without it, it's almost impossible for either partner to know what is consented too. Dominants and submissive alike are not mind readers!
Again, I remind you and everyone reading that consent may be withdrawn at any time. Thus, even if someone has consented to something during negotiation or during a subsequent conversation, they may change their mind when faced with the actual situation, changing feelings, etc. Thus, as I will encourage many times in this post, communicating with and listening to your partner are probably the most important skills kinky people have and they are critically important for successful BDSM relationships. It's difficult, when you've been looking forward to sharing an activity with your partner, to hear "I'm not so sure I want to do that any more". Still, the understanding, empathy, and response you give, in many ways, will cement this as a "no" or turn it back into "yes, maybe, but could you comfort and explain this to me some more".
Okay. Believe it or not, that's the precursor! You asked "how to start out as a domina" and this probably means you'd like some ideas. Someone suggested you read BDSM checklists. These types of lists are usually quite comprehensive, but you may not know what all the activities are (especially from a dominant's perspective) and it may also be true that you're not sure which activities are good for beginners. Therefore, I'll give some starting categories and ideas from my own experiences.
---- Kinky Sex ----
This may seem like an overly obvious, overtly pervy place to start and indeed it is! However, you probably already have a sexual relationship with your husband. Thus, I don't think this is a bad starting place because much of this involves simply approaching what you're already doing in a slightly different way. In other words, you'll be putting a dominant spin on your sex life.
What are some things you can do? Start taking what you want instead of asking for it. When you kiss, perhaps be a bit rougher than normal and take command of the kiss. Bite your husband (gently... his lips, his nipples, etc.). As your husband gets into it, if he starts to take control, push him away and then pull him back on your terms. Let him know you're the boss and if he wants that kiss he yearns for, it will be on your terms. Tell him to take his clothes off so you can inspect him and then inspect every inch of his body with an almost aloof abandonment. When you're done and if you're in the mood, have sex with him the way you want it. Hold off your husband's orgasm. You can do this physically, by controlling the stimulation you give him (stopping as you feel him getting close and starting again once he has clamed down), and mentally, by giving him commands such as "you are not to cum without my permission". That last one is lots of fun because when your partner tells you he is nearing orgasm and/or asks for permission, you can simply say "no". This is a form of mental bondage and orgasm control, and it can be very powerful indeed. Should your husband orgasm without permission, you can instill consequences such as spanking and sending him to stand in the corner or, if you feel he tried very hard and you purposely, sadistically pushed him past reasonable levels of physical/mental control, praise him).
There are so many things you can do to take control of and "spice / kink up" your sex life that it isn't feasible to make even a cursory list here. That said, here are some more ideas:
- If your husband is usually "on top" during intercourse, take the top side yourself for a change.
- Remain fully clothed yourself while commanding your husband to get naked. When your husband is naked, have him bring you drinks, rub your back, crawl to you on all fours, stand or kneel in the middle of the flour and stroke his cock for your amusement, etc.
- Use props and clothing to set the mood. Leather, soft-lined, wrist and ankle cuffs are available from many sex shops and from almost any BDSM shop. If you put these on your "naked charge", they'll likely imbue an immediate sense of supplication in him. They also look and feel really sexy too. For yourself, find some lingerie, a corset, a uniform, or something else that makes you feel sexy and commanding.
- Put your husband over your knee (or across your lap) and inspect his ass. Admire his "curves" and open his cheeks up so that he feels a wee bit exposed and uncomfortable. If you're interested and you think your husband is too, penetrate his ass with your fingers. You'll need some lubricant for this and if your husband has never experienced this, you'll need to go very slowly while heeding his reactions. Once you've got a finger inside him, you can tell him what a "good boy" he is. It's important to remember that when penetrating the ass, you can never use too much lubricant so use plenty.
Critically important side note: anything that has come into contact with the ass (fingers, dildoes, toys, etc.) should not go anywhere near anyone's vagina without being cleaned with hot water and soap first. Thus, if you're going to engage in other types of sex afterward, wash your hands, toys, and whatever else came into anal contact before putting it near and/or inside yourself or someone else.
- Put your partner over your lap and spank him. There's more on spanking below so I won't go into details here.
- Talk in dirty, authoritarian ways (such as commanding your boy to "get naked", "make my fuck toy hard for me", "fuck me now".
- While having sex, pull your husband's hair. For added punctuation, slap your husband's face, carefully, so as not to actually hurt him, and say "fuck me harder you bitch" (or use whatever action and form of address appeals to you at the time).
---- Service and Rituals ----
As your partner's dominant, you can have him take on chores around the house you don't like to do or don't have time to do. This can also be a great starting place. Why? Because you don't need any special tools or toys for this. The gist is you use your power and authority as a domina to get things done, your way. Your bedroom needs painting and you want the room to be a specific colour? Command the "boy" to do it per your specifications. Want dinner prepared for you and on the table at a certain time? The boyo becomes your waiter and chef. Make sure to praise and compliment your charge afterward. You might also give treats as rewards, such as the privilege of licking your pussy until you cum and/or allowing your boy to watch his favourite television show.
Rituals are day-to-day variant of service. These are routines, ways of address, and chores that you require of your submissive on a daily basis. An example might be that every your husband is to get up, say "good morning mistress", kiss you, make and bring you coffee and breakfast in bed, and lay your clothes out for you to put on. Likewise, in the evening, there may be another set routines your submissive is to follow, such as pouring your bath, massaging your feet, finishing up cleaning the kitchen, and tucking you both into bed. The nice thing about rituals is that they inject spice into what are usually fairly mundane, unexciting chores.
You can carry rituals over into subtle protocols that your submissive is to follow while you're in private and public. For example, while out, you can have standing instructions that your husband is always to top up your drink, carry things for you, address you as Miss (or whatever term you find appropriate and endearing), and open all doors (car doors, entrances, etc.) for you. These are just ideas and, of course, you are free to think up whatever protocols suit you.
---- Home Depot ----
This is such a wonderful, kinky place that it requires special mention. Home Depot (or "Dom Depot" as kinky people call it) is a great place to get things that can be used for BDSM play. My favorite isles are those featuring rope, chain, carabiner-style and other clips (useful for binding and restraining your partner), tubing (good for making fun, nasty things to hit your partner with, and used in enema play); and extra-thin, cylindrical dowels (good for making canes which are, again, fun, nasty things to hit your partner with :-).
You can find a wide range of rope at Home Depot. I like to have at least two kinds of rope on hand: (1) soft, medium-thick, and sensual for wrapping around the body, and (2) soft, but somewhat thinner for doing more intricate rope bondage. For a beginner, I suggest the prior: soft, medium-thick rope that feels entirely sensual when wrapped around the belly, thighs, wrists, ankles, etc.
When you choose rope, make sure to pick something that won't chafe. To "taste" the rope, place a piece of it across the under side of your wrist and pull it with some force across your skin. Rope burns are horribly painful and take a while to heal so it's best to avoid these. You avoid rope burns by using common sense when you play and by choosing appropriate rope that is unlikely to chafe when pulled on a bit. Surprisingly, there are some incredibly soft, synthetic ropes. What you're looking for is a medium-thick rope, but one made of many fine strands. Often, when you run your nail over this kind of rope, the strands will catch and fray a bit. If you've found this, you're on the right track.
One thing I always have on hand (and I suggest to beginners) is quick release, carabiner clips. Home depot has many different types of these. Carabiners are a D-shaped ring with a spring catch on one side, used for fastening ropes in mountaineering. I'll add an important caveat here: the carabiner clips Home Depot sells are not the same as mountaineering carabiners, which are designed to take a significant amount of body weight. Thus, don't try to suspend your partner with carabiners from Home Depot.
In case you're not quite sure what a carabiner looks like, here are a couple of links:
Mountaineering Clasp
http://www.sz-wholesale.com/shenzhen_China_products/Normal-Mountaineering-Clasp_1.htm
Carabiner
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carabiner
Apart from the caveat I mentioned (vis-a-vis suspension), why do I recommend Home Depot's carabiners? They are a quick, cheap, easy way to bind your partner. If your partner is wearing wrist cuffs with d-rings or o-rings (most cuffs have one or the other), putting their wrists together, in front or behind the back, and clipping them together with a carabiner clip yields instant bondage. This is an almost effortless way to make your partner more vulnerable to you. You can use carabiners in combination with rope and/or cuffs to tie someone to a bed. Likewise, if you attach these clips to your bedposts on lengths of rope, you can easily get someone in and out of bondage. If you want to allow restricted movement, but movement none-the-less, use two or three carabiners clipped together in a chain configuration (or combine the clips with actual chain, which can be very aesthetically and sonically pleasing).
In case it isn't obvious in what I wrote above, the key feature of carabiner clips is that they are "quick open" and "quick release". A lot of people like the idea of using locks to enhance (for the dominant) feelings of having a captive, and (for the submissive) feelings of surrender. The problem with locks is that keys can get misplaced, often at the most inopportune times. Even if all required keys are on hand, it takes time to open locks, especially if you're using more than one. This isn't such a good thing when, for whatever reason, you need to release your submissive immediately. Likewise, if you, as the dominant, become incapacitated, provided you've used carabiner clips, it's likely the submissive can release themselves. This is critically important if your charge needs to help you and/or themselves. So... I highly recommend these clips to people starting out and to those who are more advanced in their BDSM / bondage play.
Like the rope section, Home Depot has a wide selection of chain. I like a medium thick chain with some weight to it. This feels nice on the body, looks good while it's on, makes wonderful sounds, and leaves temporary, super-sexy, creases and patterns on the skin when removed. You can use rope in combination with cuffs, chain, and carabiners to bind and restrain your partner with great variation and in many ways. As they say, season to taste. :-)
I mentioned other items at Home Depot and I suggest you use your creativity to come up with things you find appealing. Truly, Home Depot is one of my favourite kink shops. If you've never gone on a kinky shopping trip at a vanilla store, you might wish to take your husband with you. It's a lot of fun shopping together and figuring out all the kinky, nasty, fun ways vanilla items can be used in BDSM.
---- Forms of Address ----
Forms of address are a type of wordplay. These generally fall into two categories: titles your submissive calls you and titles you call your submissive. For example, as discussed above, you might require your submissive to address you as Miss, Ma'am, Boss, or something else that appeals to you. On the flip side, there are many terms of affection that you may use to address your submissive (boy, slave, bitch, slut, fuck toy, and pet are a few examples).
---- Sensory Deprivation and Enhancement ----
The human senses are: sight, hearing, taste, smell, touch, balance and acceleration, temperature, kinesthetic sense, and pain. Sensory deprivation is the act of restricting one or some combination of these.
A common method of sensory deprivation (in both vanilla and BDSM play) is blindfolding your partner. For the person blindfolded, this has the effect of heightening the other senses and creating feelings of excitement, surprise, and apprehension - often a delicious mix when combined together. "What will she do next?" "Where is she now?" "Oh! I wasn't expecting that!"
As a dominant, it's lots of fun to watch your partner squirm in anticipation of what is coming next. Playing with the other, now enhanced, non-restricted senses is also mega fun as is watching and feeling the reactions. You can whisper in your partner's ear, brush fingers and toys across their hair and skin, blow on them, lick and bite various body parts ever so softly and not so softly, play with sound (such as licking your lips, rustling chains, giving yourself an orgasm - the effect is even better if your submissive is blindfolded and restrained... some rope and carabiner clips will come in handy about right now :-), and do many other things that have a decidedly "interesting" effect when a person can't see you or see what is coming. And, going right for the jugular, stroking your husband's cock, giving him a blowjob, and taking sexual advantage of him in other ways tends to have a significantly amplified effect when the sight is taken away. Oh heck, get on and ride him while he is blindfolded and you'll see what I mean!
A pragmatic side effect of blindfolding someone is that it gives you time as a dominant. You can prepare other things. You can make mistakes. You can be embarrassed and red-faced. When blindfolded, the submissive won't see any of this which decreases the pressure on you and can actually help you feel more confident.
Many items can be used as blindfolds: silk scarves, actual sleepwear blindfolds, specially designed BDSM blindfolds (often made of leather, which may also have an enticing smell), swimming goggles with blackened lenses, and ski goggles with blackened lenses. My personal favorite is fully enclosed ski goggles because, when the lenses have been treated properly, these keep out all light, stay on during play and sex, and are very comfortable for the victim... er... ah... I mean for the submissive. Just take a cheap, but comfy fitting, fully enclosed pair of ski goggles and paint the lenses black. Viola!
Restricting and/or playing with other senses is fun too. To restrict hearing, insert ear plugs in your husband's ears or have him wear sonic isolation headgear (similar to headphones, but without speakers and designed specifically to prevent sound getting in). You can play with taste by blindfolding your husband and introducing different foods to his lips. If you decide to do this, don't forget how good you taste too. Kiss him. Let him taste your breasts and skin. And, most of all, don't forget your pussy. You can let him taste your juices from the tips of your fingers or straight from the source. Smell is another sense that has great erotic, sexual effect. So, to set the mood, you can use fragrances in the air or on your body. Some people like burning incense (I don't because I'm a non-smoker and this includes and kind of smoke in the air). As with taste, don't forget to use your own, natural fragrances from different parts of your body. These are equally effective in this context.
Often, a combination of restricting or enhancing the senses of your submissive can pronounce even more interesting, desirable effects. An example is tying/binding your submissive in some way along with putting a blindfold and earplugs on him. This post is about ideas for someone starting their initial foray into domination so I'm not going to get into more advanced play like mummification. Suffice it to say though that some dominas and their submissives enjoy taking sensory deprivation to extremes and they take special safety measures when doing this.
---- Impact Play ----
As the name implies, impact play means hitting your partner with something - your bare hand, a crop, a flogger, a cane, etc. The idea here isn't to truly hurt your partner - albeit your partner may get hurt somewhat in a way that feels good. The temporary marks created during and left over afterward are incredibly sexy. For a beginner, I recommend a short handled (about a foot to foot and a half long), wide-headed crop. The head should be at least two to three inches wide (and in this case, even a bit wider than this is preferable). Why do I recommend this type of crop? A few reasons. The short length makes it easy to control and convenient to put in toy bags. A wide head produces a number of sensations (stingy, somewhat thuddy, slappy) and is, again, easy to control. Also, the wide head distributes the blow so it's harder to actually hurt someone whereas a thinner, more cane-like head is easy to overdo.
If you don't want to buy a crop, an easy substitute is a flat, wide salad server or a wide wooden spoon. Keep in mind that both the salad server and wooden spoon will have quite a bit more zing (on contact) than the crop I suggested. It's a good idea to test all these implements (crop, salad server, wooden spoon) on yourself first, before trying them on your partner. This way you'll have a much better gage of what they feel like and of how much force to put into a stroke.
So... why hit someone? Well, it comes down to this. There is good pain and bad pain. Good pain warms up the skin, gets the adrenaline and endorphins running, feels good, and takes the submissive on a lovely joy ride. For the dominant, it's a very powerful and intimidate feeling to provide and control this ride. Watching your partner enjoy themselves, react, struggle, pant, whimper, gush, and mark are also their own, unique rewards as is the rush from devising, exploring, and sharing such a scene. Many dominants find the fact that their partner is willing to offer themselves up as a catalyst is an immense turn-on. It can certainly be a thrill to explore your own, devious mind while playing with someone else's mind and body.
I'd be remiss if I didn't mention marking. These are temporary marks, on the skin, left over after hitting someone. Often these are tantalizing for both dominant and submissive alike. Having been the giver of marks myself, I can say that it's quite an experience to paint a living, reactive canvas (in this case, your partner's body).
Where is it safe to hit? This is *very* important to know because you can seriously hurt someone if you hit them in the wrong place. Generally, the buttocks, upper back on each side of the spine, thighs, and lower shoulders are considered safe targets. While I personally love floggers, I've left them out because I don't think flogging is necessarily the best place for a beginner to start. This said, if hitting and/or spanking your partner appeals to you, you'll probably want to explore floggers at some point. Shortly after I started experimenting on the "dark side", I'll admit, I bought a couple of floggers. Certain tools can really help enhance a dominant's headspace, albeit it's a good idea to learn how to use these (practicing on a pillow, for example) before using them on a person. So as not to bait and the not deliver, and because flogging tips give details on where it's safe and not safe to strike someone, I'll provide a few links, as follows:
Grim's Flogging FAQ:
http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/grimflog.html
De Tails Toys - Quality floggers at very reasonable prices:
http://www.detailstoys.com
---- Spanking ----
Spanking is such a big fetish for many that I've placed it on it's own, independent of impact play. This is, as I'm sure you already know, caressing, stroking, tormenting, and *hitting* your submissive's ass. You can do this with bare hands, paddles, wooden spoons, crops, etc. As for positioning your prey, OTK (over the knee) is common, but so is on all fours, over a bench, and leaning forward with legs spread and hands on the back of a chair. The myriad possibilities are endless. You can combine many things with spanking: kissing, licking, biting, pinching, scratching, and penetration, just to name a few.
The attraction for the dominant is many-fold.. Playing with a sexy butt is hot. Having your submissive partner present himself in such a naked, available, vulnerable way (clothes on or off) reinforces power dynamics. The feeling and sound as hand or implement meets ass flesh is deliciously tactile. As good or better than the peripheral sounds are the sounds and responses of the submissive - increased breathing, held breathing, moans, whimpers, yelps, oh... and the ever popular "thank you Mistress, may I have another please?" Some dominas like to have their submissives count strokes and others find this distracting. You can try both ways and see which you like better. Having a submissive, naked, over your knee, with ass readily available provides wonderful access to lots of "fun" body parts. Not only is the ass available to play with, the thighs, belly, cock, balls, and lower back are all within easy reach. (I must thank LadyHibiscus for reminding me of this. :-)
Lest I forget, the aftermath is its own reward too. There is nothing quite as tantalizing as a pink or crimson red, nicely warmed, marked bottom. I say "marked" because if, in addition to your hands, you use things like belts, wooden spoons, crops, and canes, you're likely to leave a few bruises and welts. Submissive's tend to wear these marks with great pride and affection because these come from their dominant. For the dominant, I can say that it is a powerful, intimate experience to connect with, contact, and mark someone this way. Actually, for both the dominant and the submissive, spanking is a wonderfully connective way to build trust and share intimacy.
---- Bondage ----
Bondage is tying up and/or restraining your partner in some way. Why is it fun to tie someone up? There are, as usual, many reasons. Each dominant has different things that resonate with them. Just to get your brain wet though, here are a few of the pleasures to be had on the "top" side.
One of the areas I discussed in the precursor is "getting and taking what you want". Well gee, if your submissive is immobilized (read: tied up), there's not much they can do to stop you taking what you want! This is part of the attraction for many. Another thing is the visual benefit. It's fun to watch someone incapable of avoiding you as you torment their body and take your pleasure from them. The visual stimuli of muscles quivering and straining, sweat on the chest, and facial expressions... yes, very yummy indeed. Some female dominants like the gender reversal aspect of tying someone up. In traditional, vanilla society, men are usually portrayed as aggressors, so a women tying up and enslaving a submissive breaks these rules in a way that is extremely tantalizing to the mind and senses. For the submissive, having one's movement restricted, just like sensory deprivation, tends to enhance the non restricted senses. In the case of bondage, often *all* the senses are amplified and invigorated. Many dominants love causing and watching this. Bondage can also be an orgasm enhancer which is enjoyed by both dominants and submissives alike. As a submissive myself, I can attest that some of my most intense orgasms have been while bound. These orgasms wouldn't have been anywhere near as intense or memorable had I been unrestrained. From the female perspective, I'm sure you can figure out the potential benefits of having an aroused, extremely hard submissive at your disposal.
There's an especially delicious aspect of restraining someone that requires extra consideration and handling. I call this the "no, please don't do that" factor (which, when someone says this to a child, makes the child want to do that thing even more). In BDSM, as an adult and a dominant, you get to enjoy doing the "things you're not supposed to do" in a safe, appropriate environment. Imagine playing with your husband's cock and he's had just a bit too much stimulation. He pants "no... that's too much... please stop." So what do you do as a dominant? You keep right on tormenting and playing with *your cock* exactly the way you want to! Yep. For the third time I say domination has it's perks. :-) This is where the extra consideration is important. There's a big difference between ignoring a "no" that means "yes, if you must, I can make it through and I will make it through for you" versus a "no" that means "no, I really need you to stop now". This is one of the skills you learn as a dominant. If ever in doubt about your submissive's well being, ask your submissive. Communication solves so many little problems before they become big ones and helps keep kinky play fun for everyone involved.
There are many things you can combine to restrain a person, some of which are: rope, chain, cuffs, carabiner clips, (dare I say) locks, gags, bondage mittens, spreader and hobbling bars, straps, and harnesses. I've intentionally left out collars. It's true that collars often have rings that beg for things to be attached to them. However, it's generally accepted that things should not be bound to the neck. There are a number of safety reasons for this, not the least of which is that an accidental fall can pull on neck restraints, damaging the upper spin and/or cutting off breathing. A collar (with or without an attached leash), used on its own, is an exception because when worn responsibly in a controlled environment, this presents little risk.
While this post isn't about details of technique and safety, I feel it important to underline two, additional things. Thing one: as hot as it may sound to leave a submissive tied up in the closet while the dominant takes a warm, relaxing bath, it really isn't a good idea to leave someone who is bound unattended. Emergencies happen (medical problems, accidents, etc.) and thus you should always be present to protect your submissive. If you need to leave for some reason, unbind your submissive first. Thing two: if you're going to use a gag on your submissive, some feel it prudent to provide a non-verbal way for the submissive to signal should there is a problem. Personally, I've never had an issue with this, whether on the top or bottom side of things. Few gags entirely cut off a person's ability to speak. Still, should your play involve obstructing a submissive's ability to converse, it is prudent to monitor them with extra special care and, if necessary, to give them a way to signal should they be in distress and require your help.
---- Sensation Play ----
Sensation play involves using your body, household items, BDSM toys, and anything else that tweaks your creative mind to stimulate, torment, and pamper your submissive. The idea, as with the other kinds of play I've mentioned, is to make your submissive feel good and to enjoy yourself while doing this. Examples of body parts and toys you can use for this type of play are: eye lashes, lips (both those above and below), teeth, fingers, finger nails, nipple clamps, clothespins, spiky wheels, rubber gloves, vampire gloves (which have many, prickly tack points sticking out of the fingers), furry things, suction cups, and the bristles of a hairbrush. While I mentioned floggers in a cursory way during my comments on impact play, the tails of a flogger can be dragged across the body to great effect too.
You can use sensation play to rev your submissive up and to cool your submissive down. On the "rev up" side of things, scratching, biting, clamps, and toys of an abrasive nature can work miracles. On the "cool down" side of things, eye lash kisses, gentle kisses with the lips, soft caresses, and soft, furry things all work well (mind you, these can also be excellent tools for heating someone up). The reaction you get is often dependant on your approach.
There are other kinds of more advanced sensation play (using wax, knives, and needles are examples), but again, these don't fit the focus here.
---- Penetration Play ----
Contrary to what the title may imply, this isn't fucking, at least not in the traditional, "boy inserting penis into girl" sense. The type of penetration I'm talking about here is all about dominant women filling their submissive's orifices with toys. More specifically, in your case, I'm talking about filling your husband's mouth and ass with dildoes, penis gags, butt plugs, and strap-on cocks, oh my!
What is the attraction here for the domina? Unlike a man, a domina doesn't have a natural penis so these toys allow a woman to experience penetrating her partner. To leave the payoff at only this is to vastly understate the dynamics and joys to be had. You get to hold your partner, cup him, thrust into him, feel his muscles and breathing as he pushes back against you, control the pacing, say things like "take it bitch... take all of it", and generally turn your partner into a panting, hungry, whorish slut who will do anything for your touch and for your cock. It's connective. It's deeply intimate. It's pervy and depraved. It bends gender roles. It emphasizes the person who holds the power and the person who acquiesces to that power. It feels wonderful. Yep. Lot's to enjoy here for each partner, regardless of which side of the cock they happen to be on.
Penis gags are another variant of this. Essentially, in a penis gag, the part that goes across the victim's mouth has a phallus that is actually strapped inside the mouth. Thus, should you desire, by using a penis gag and a strap-on, you can penetrate your submissive in two places simultaneously.
Some words of caution are in order here. Some people don't like the idea of receiving anal sex. Therefore, this is most definitely something your should talk over with your submissive before proceeding. You can most certainly penetrate female submissives vaginally with strap-ons and this often presents less concern as women are generally used to being penetrated this way. In regard to anal penetration, if the person you wish to "fuck" has never been anally penetrated, using a strap-on is not a good way to start. You'll need to start slowly, using a finger (or two) and lots of lubricant. Once your partner gains comfort being penetrated with fingers, you can switch to a strap-on. At this stage, fingers are what your partner is used to receiving so choose a strap-on that is perhaps just a bit thicker than the fingers you've been using. You'll need to use lots of lubrication and listen to your partner as you initially penetrate them with the strap-on. Your partner will have to guide the speed and depth of penetration at first. If your partner says "stop", do so. Anal sex isn't a place to push someone too quickly as doing so can cause them great pain of the "not good" variety. Once you're actually inside your partner, you may have to wait a while as they adjust to the new sensations. Eventually you'll be able to start an actual thrusting rhythm, albeit gently at first. Monitor your partner and communicate. You'll know when you can move on to more vigorous, rough, delicious fucking. :-)
Before signing off, I thought I'd pass on a few links that may be of use in helping you come up with ideas for dominating your partner. You may know all of these already, but then again perhaps not.
Wikipedia - Master list of BDSM topics
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_BDSM_topics
Gloria Brame - The first person who engaged my curiosity about dominance
http://www.gloria-brame.com
Stockroom - BDSM toy store
www.stockroom.com
Rupert Huse and Son - Tools for controlling people
http://www.huse.com
FetLife - Facebook equivalent for kinky people
http://www.fetlife.com
Society for Human Sexuality - The title says it all
http://www.sexuality.org
Perhaps this goes without saying, but I thought I should mention this. While each of the ideas I've suggested can be enjoyed in isolation, you'll get much more interesting and enjoyable results by combining these together in ways that turn you and your partner on. Of course, these are simply suggestions and you can use only the things that appeal to you or discard them all if nothing appeals to you. At any rate, I hope there is something in here that is of help and that causes you to think "gee, that would be fun to try". :-)
Have fun exploring wickedgame916,
Elan.
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