ElanSubdued -> RE: The Thrill of the Hunt (11/27/2009 9:37:19 PM)
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LadyPact, Akasha, PeonForHer, and Everyone; What the heck. I'll dive into the debate vis-a-vis "submissives do/don't have skills the way a dominant does". I think this started with a post by LadyPact and has been continued by Akasha, Peon, LadyPact (herself), and others. Firstly, to LadyAngelika: I like the subject of the OP a lot. It caused people think about their motivations, triggers, and inner psyche. Likewise, it brought about discussion of what really brings kinky people together (which I believe, despite BDSM backdrops and roles, has less to do with BDSM and a lot more to do with personality and chemistry between people). I like a good, substantive thread that has staying power. This thread has potential to stir constructive debate for a while. Thank you so much for posting this. I look forward to addressing the main subject more directly in due course. Okay. Back to the subs do/don't have/need skills bit. I lean toward Akasha's view that some bottoms have considerable skill (just as some tops do). Akasha explained this so well that I'll quote her. As follows: quote:
Akasha: Skilled bottoms (to me) are like a lottery ticket. It's a goldmine when I find one. If a bottom just existed to endure and be the recipient, then really you couldn't say that dominating Joe 1 was better than dominating Joe 2, except that Joe 2 painted your kitchen. I think bottoming is a skill. I think it's like making love - some men are good at it, some are bad at it, some are selfish, some are selfless, and others are just inexperienced. Sure, all kinky men will eagerly offer it (just like most men will line up to get laid), but are they any good at it? (snip) Bottoming takes skill. Not just "how much can a man endure" but this is it: His capacity to observe, understand, interpret, and ultimately predict the sadist's pleasure - AND, to understand her hot buttons so he can make the scene as exciting and rewarding as possible for her. It's just like making love. He has to understand what makes her tick, and then be an active participant - not just a crash test dummy - to make sure she's getting all she wants and needs from his bottoming. Heating up the debate and simultaneously ruining my reputation as a submissive, I'll add the following: I've created many scenes for dominants. Sometimes my partners were aware of this and sometimes they weren't. I find great joy in initiating, coming up with ideas for surprising my partner (in a good way!), planning, execution, and ultimately watching my partner enjoy herself. Sometimes my partners have initiated and led. Sometimes I've initiated *and led*, because that's what my partner wanted me to do. Often there is enough trust, affection, and mutual "turn on" factor that initiation, leading, and other dynamics don't stay specifically on the top or the bottom. I tend to think this is the foundation for connective interplay and it leads to a powerful tapestry of mutual seduction. Seduction (as Akasha alluded to) takes great skill - listening to your partner, watching your partner's body language, and learning what turns your partner on. Planning is a big part of this and it requires noting things your partner has said and observing involuntary reactions. Often I'll tuck these away (writing them down on paper if need be) for a later use. On the technical side of things, not all submissives are unaware of how to use rope, floggers, and other toys. Similarly, interactions between a dominant and her submissive don't always involve the dominant "doing things" to the submissive. For example, once, when we were playing, a dominant flirted with me by saying "well, you *could* tie my hands up". Twenty minutes later I had her gagged, bound in a hog tie, and covered with clothespins placed in various, "effective" places. The rest of the scene shall remain private, however, it's illuminating to note that most of the doing came from my end and much of the receiving came from her. We both enjoyed this immensely. I don't think she thought I'd go quite as far as she hinted, but that was half the fun. Juxtaposition of roles. Let's see just how sadistic the submissive can be! We kept reading each other and going where the sexual energy lead us. Needless to say, this was a lot of fun and required skill on both out parts. Certainly, neither of us was a passive adventurer. Oh. Darn. Guess I busted that *other* tenet I already came to terms with in the thread. I've never been good at mono dimensionality so apparently I'm against the submissive grain. Complicated, multifaceted, and wanting to share much more than just BDSM with a partner. There's a huge amount more to me than BDSM and a significantly large, non-kinky spectrum of life I seek to continue learning about and to share with a domme. Elan.
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