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What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/21/2014 10:42:16 AM

Blonderfluff

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We all know how hard it is to find someone that we connect with on a very deep level that ALSO shares our "kinks". My question is... What would you be willing to compromise on for the right person?

Would you give up a favorite scenario ? A favorite toy? Probably. But would you give up something more, something broader? Could be your job, if relocation is necessary. Or accepting another's children, when you have none of your own. Or giving up your dream for an open relationship or Poly if your partner is opposed. On the flip side, BECOMING poly?

Now, I know I'm going to get hit with "it depends on what is important to each individual". I understand that. I would just like to hear what is worth the sacrifice, when the reward is the partner you've always wanted.

I know there are many here that have found that "one". Did you have to compromise on anything? Do you have any regrets?

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RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/21/2014 11:13:42 AM

littlewonder

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I compromised on a lot of stuff because he was more important to me than those things I compromised.

Where I live. My plan was to move to someplace warm all year long after my daughter graduated but then I met Master and I moved here to Baltimore. But we both know we probably won't live here forever since we both would like to move to a warmer climate. So I only see it as a temporary compromise.

Receiving oral sex. He doesn't do it. I love it. But he makes up for it in many ways.

I swore when I met another it would not be a sadist. Well he's a sadist but because I love him and love to make him happy, he finds a way to get me through it and he makes up for it in other ways.

A private situation which I won't go into but one day we'll work through that. It's currently not a deal breaker though.

I'm sure there are other minor ones but I just can't think of them at the moment.

But for all those compromises, I just don't see them as big a deal for what I got in return.

So you have to ask yourself....what's important to you? And, is the return worth it?

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RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/21/2014 11:26:41 AM

AthenaSurrenders

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I was so young when I met my husband that I suppose many of my expectations were built around him. In that sense, there wasn't much to compromise on because I didn't really have many set ideas of the kind of guy I wanted or the kind of relationship I wanted.

If I were on the market again, I think I'd be harder to please! I've had a taste of awesome and he would be a hard act to follow.

The main things I couldn't compromise on are the basics that I think most (healthy) people would agree on - cares about me, trustworthy, all round good person, similar life goals etc. Most small things I could compromise on.

I don't think I could ever be poly, even for Prince Charming. I just don't think I'm wired up right. I don't think I could be happy in a relationship where we spent significant time apart - I think military spouses must be incredibly strong, because I'd go to pieces. I could probably accept someone else's children, just as long as he and I were on the same page as far as parenting went. I'd be willing to move or change careers, but I couldn't deal with someone that didn't get on at least fairly well with my family and friends - I'm not willing to play piggy in the middle.

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RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/21/2014 11:42:46 AM

Blonderfluff

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My thoughts are similar to LW and Athena. Some things are inviolate to me...uncompromisable. I am still trying to identify and separate out those things that I COULD compromise on, without compromising ME.

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RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/21/2014 12:09:04 PM

littlewonder

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Blonderfluff

My thoughts are similar to LW and Athena. Some things are inviolate to me...uncompromisable. I am still trying to identify and separate out those things that I COULD compromise on, without compromising ME.

For me personally they weren't even things I really thought about. They just happened. I never gave a second thought to those things I compromised. I felt so comfortable with Master that those things just never felt like I was compromising. I just realized over time that I HAD actually compromised. It just hit me one day that those things I always liked, I wasn't getting. And it didn't bother me.

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RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/21/2014 12:17:58 PM

Spiritedsub2

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My gut feeling is that if much compromise is needed in a relationship, then we probably aren't a match.

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RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/21/2014 12:39:50 PM

MariaB

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

My gut feeling is that if much compromise is needed in a relationship, then we probably aren't a match.

That was always my philosophy too but like littlewonder says, If the things you are compromising are less important than the person you are compromising it for, that philosophy flies out of the window.

I never thought I would live in anything but a house. After getting together with Steve we spent 3 years living on a yacht! 6 months in a North American Indian tepee. I had to give up my job to do that but it was only a job and not a career.

I gave up my entire dungeon, something I had taken years to build but I had both worked from it and rented it out so it had paid for itself tenfold.

The benefits of Steve and me being together far outweigh any compromise we ever made to be together. We are joined at the hip and five and a half years in have never been happier.

< Message edited by MariaB -- 1/21/2014 12:40:28 PM >

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RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/21/2014 12:44:54 PM

GoddessManko

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MariaB

quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB

quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

My gut feeling is that if much compromise is needed in a relationship, then we probably aren't a match.

That was always my philosophy too but like littlewonder says, If the things you are compromising are less important than the person you are compromising it for, that philosophy flies out of the window.

I never thought I would live in anything but a house. After getting together with Steve we spent 3 years living on a yacht! 6 months in a North American Indian tepee. I had to give up my job to do that but it was only a job and not a career.

I gave up my entire dungeon, something I had taken years to build but I had both worked from it and rented it out so it had paid for itself tenfold.

The benefits of Steve and me being together far outweigh any compromise we ever made to be together. We are joined at the hip and five and a half years in have never been happier.

Thank you for that insight MariaB, I have had an issue as far as compromise with one of my dearest friends. This actually was very insightful and let me see things from an interesting and mind opening perspective.
I have had some recent lessons in patience and understanding that were probably well needed. Cheers! :)

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RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/21/2014 12:54:52 PM

Blonderfluff

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I'm seeing something I did not expect. Large compromises. Homes. Jobs. Location. . But the general consensus so far seems to be that these things seemed fairly important UNTIL someone arrived in your life that outshone the importance of these things in your life.

Is there anything you ever gave up,and later regretted ?

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Don't fear moving forward slowly...fear standing still.

I'm Blonde. Jane Blonde.

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RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/21/2014 12:56:10 PM

Spiritedsub2

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB

quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

My gut feeling is that if much compromise is needed in a relationship, then we probably aren't a match.

That was always my philosophy too but like littlewonder says, If the things you are compromising are less important than the person you are compromising it for, that philosophy flies out of the window.

I never thought I would live in anything but a house. After getting together with Steve we spent 3 years living on a yacht! 6 months in a North American Indian tepee. I had to give up my job to do that but it was only a job and not a career.

I gave up my entire dungeon, something I had taken years to build but I had both worked from it and rented it out so it had paid for itself tenfold.

The benefits of Steve and me being together far outweigh any compromise we ever made to be together. We are joined at the hip and five and a half years in have never been happier.

Did you particularly care about living in a house, or about your job? If not, then giving those up wasn't compromising, at least the way I understand compromise. To me, giving up things that don't matter isn't compromising.

I read a lengthy post of yours in another thread describing your life, living under the stars in a teepee at the top the world. Your life sounds f-ing AMAZING, not like a compromise at all! I'd miss the indoor plumbing, but that's about all

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Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
~ Rumi

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RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/21/2014 12:56:33 PM

StrongSpirit

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For me the real questions is where are your priorities?

I put my love life first, then my sex life, then my career, then my social life. If I had kids, they would be part of my love life.

I would give up my favorite scenario, toy, job, location, accept someone else's kids, give up my dream of open/poly (or become poly) all for my love.

But note, the things you give up have to be compensated for. Replaced with things almost as good. I would expect my partner/sub to give up as much as I would.

Also, to reach the place where I would be willing to give up these things, my partner would have to hate asking to do so.

Now, I know I'm going to get hit with "it depends on what is important to each individual". I understand that. I would just like to hear what is worth the sacrifice, when the reward is the partner you've always wanted.

As for regrets, my only regret is that I did not meet my significant other earlier.

(in reply to GoddessManko)

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RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/21/2014 1:03:16 PM

freedomdwarf1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB

quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

My gut feeling is that if much compromise is needed in a relationship, then we probably aren't a match.

That was always my philosophy too but like littlewonder says, If the things you are compromising are less important than the person you are compromising it for, that philosophy flies out of the window.

I never thought I would live in anything but a house. After getting together with Steve we spent 3 years living on a yacht! 6 months in a North American Indian tepee. I had to give up my job to do that but it was only a job and not a career.

I gave up my entire dungeon, something I had taken years to build but I had both worked from it and rented it out so it had paid for itself tenfold.

The benefits of Steve and me being together far outweigh any compromise we ever made to be together. We are joined at the hip and five and a half years in have never been happier.

I think it's a bit of both.

In many ways, if you have to think of compromising, whatever you are thinking of must, by definition, have a sufficient enough impact/impression or significance in your life for you to even think about having to compromise.
So yes, if you have to compromise too much, you probably aren't a well-matched couple.

However, as LW and Maria have said, many things are significantly less important so the relationship gets a bigger share of the cake.

I still say you shouldn't need to comprise too much. But... I think most of what outsiders would think of as 'compromise' isn't seen as that by the people themselves.
For most people, they just 'meld' together.
I would certainly not 'compromise' anything for any relationship.

(in reply to MariaB)

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RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/21/2014 1:13:29 PM

littlewonder

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I used to always think that those things I compromised were always big and important. I swore to the ends of the earth that I would not give them up for anyone at all. But like I said, I just don't miss them now. His love just far outweighs them. He has talked about things for our future that I would have never in a million years given to someone or done and while they do scare me, I trust him and I am more than willing to give those things to him. I just know that he makes up for those things in oh so many different ways that I could have never imagined with anyone else.

I can't really think of anything that I have regretted with him. He has actually made my life better than I could have ever imagined.

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RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/21/2014 1:48:33 PM

MariaB

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Again, like littlewonder, I'm not copying you honest

!! I never thought I would give up my house and if someone had told me I would be living on a yacht or in a tent I would of laughed and told them they'd got the wrong person.

In answer to your question Spirited, I believed material possessions/material wealth was very important. My dungeon was a good example of someone who frivolously wasted a lot of money. Material things made me feel secure and so giving them up, at the time, felt like a huge compromise. I did a lot of hesitating and I know with absolute certainty that I wouldn't of given up 'My Things' for any other man. The compromise paid off, Steve taught me so much about life, love and energy. He taught me how to live, before him I just existed.

Thanks GoddessManko, I don't know your situation but I obviously said something that hit a cord.

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RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/21/2014 2:18:23 PM

shiftyw

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I've been flexible on things for the right person.

Moving again is kinda out of the question- and my job. I moved before for him, and now we are back where I came from, and I am not about ready to jump in and do that again. I have a GREAT family. I adore my parents, extended family, and then I ADORE their family business and hope to run it myself someday- frankly- had he not wanted to move here, I would have left. It seemed LESS important before, now I know I wouldn't readily do that for someone, no matter how many stars were in their eyes, or how much they loved me.

I've always been really career focused, driven, and relationships tend to come second. Maybe I'm "too young" to really be in love, but idk- I just don't take it as seriously as others? Like when I've broken up with people- its always been sad, but I generally don't find it earth shattering. I'm very happy alone, and sometimes prefer it. If I never got married, that would be fine.

I just tend to prefer my life to my relationship- always have- if someone can't hang- its not meant to be.

I AM giving my dreams of an open relationship/poly right now. Its a constant struggle. I don't know if he and I will last forever, but it has been 3 years of me being pretty flighty but hanging in there. I hate feeling emotionally vulnerable, and I occasionally freak out that our lives have become so intertwined that I can't just pack up and leave in the night anymore. But I do truly tend to feel love for many people at once, and I have struggled the most with that over the last few years with my guy. I'm not frustrated with it enough to leave or end an otherwise fine relationship, there are times where I long pretty hard for a more open relationship.

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RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/21/2014 3:05:09 PM

kiwisub12

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I gave up something I never thought was even on the table - my cat and dog. He was allergic, but in the end, he was more important than they were.
I didn't throw them on the street though - my daughter was living in my house, and they stayed with her.

I missed them something fierce, but he was still more important than them. And I got an African grey, which did make up for it a little.

(in reply to shiftyw)

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RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/21/2014 3:16:06 PM

ExiledTyrant

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I'd compromise on everything but my happiness, which is pretty easy because I know what makes me unhappy.

I love what shifty said, because it resonates with me deeply:

quote:

I just tend to prefer my life to my relationship- always have- if someone can't hang- its not meant to be.

I know I am responsible for my happiness, and I know what makes me happy as well as unhappy. No other person is responsible for it... They can facilitate it just as easily as they can fuck it up. Facilitators welcome, all others are banished to Ron's house.

My profile is very specific, and points out things that can/have facilitated great happiness in my life in the past, and could facilitate them, easily, again. However, a relationship, per my profile, is an easy way for me to fall back on dynamics that I know my happiness is facilitated in, but it isn't contingent on those things. Finding a mind blowing connection that I am not stifled by, forced to micromanage, or contend with insecurity, could easily take me from those superfluous desires, if she has enough substance behind her.

Kids... That's a tuff one, but there are many options.

YMMV
Exiled

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RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/21/2014 4:27:59 PM

VeryMercurial

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Right now, I would compromise on being in a long distance relationship.

I rather be in a long distance loving relationship, than settle for less than I want in a local relationship.

I am up front with the fact that if either of us find someone suitable closer, than we might have to be on the friendship tract.

So many are unwilling to even talk to someone hundreds or thousands of miles away, I am not.

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RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/21/2014 4:30:04 PM

Runningkc

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I'm young, 21, so I'm so much more flexible than many on here. I'm currently pursuing a career that can be followed almost anywhere, and in many ways my mind is still "fresh" enough, I haven't been turned against hardly any types of kink.

I've recently had to do some soul searching on if kids is a deal breaker, and I've found that it isn't.

The only thing that would be very challenging for me to overcome is moving a large distance away (6-8+ hours) from my family, and be in a situation financially where I couldn't afford to fly back often.

Oh, and my dog. He's family. If they aren't willing to work out a situation where he can be included, then they must not care about my emotional well being enough anyways. I would compromise on my horses however (which would be a huge deal in itself).

< Message edited by Runningkc -- 1/21/2014 4:32:04 PM >

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RE: What are you willing to compromise ? - 1/21/2014 5:08:13 PM

LadyPact

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I am a military wife of almost twelve years. As I'm sure you can imagine, that's serious compromise right there.

I tend to consider Myself more flexible than most people would think. (OK. Except the dishwasher.) I do, however, know what I won't compromise on. (Let's assume morals, values, and the other automatic answers for most people will apply.)

Other people's kids. I. Did. My. Time. I've got no interest in doing your time, whatsoever. I don't care how wonderful you are. You won't get past that one.

Wanting to be on the same level as My primary relationship.

Wanting submission and/or bottoming from Me. Carry yourself on.

These things aside, I did have a recent change in Myself that I honestly never thought would come about. I can't really label it compromise. It just came from Me.

(Everybody grab a chair. You might want to sit down.)

For a lot of years, I've had the mantra of "I was a casual player when you met Me. Don't expect that to change."

Well, I'm eating crow these days because, I honestly don't want to be a casual player at this point. (If the situation changes, I expect it to change back.) Yes, like other posters mentioned above, it probably does have everything to do with the person that I'm doing things with. Wasn't his idea. Wasn't MP's idea. It was entirely Mine. And, I'm smiling every day about it.

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