RE: What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relationship Dynamic?

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RE: What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relatio... - 10/14/2014 10:34:36 AM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Zonie63

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr
Make no mistake about it; I stand by what I said in my quote directly above. I've also been around here for a day or two and I've seen submissive females coddled, male dominants excoriated, male submissives berated and degraded and female dominants kowtowed to. There appears (to me) to be a general air here that promotes this kind of behavior. That's as may be and all's fair ... blah, blah, blah but let's not pretend - for even a millisecond - that there isn't a propensity on these boards to be more tolerant to a submissive's stated "needs" (I actually threw up a little, in my mouth, typing that word) than to the same type of immovability exhibited by a dominant.

I've noticed this, too, although my impression is that some of this attitude subsided several months ago.

Have to say my view is on a line between you two.

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RE: What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relatio... - 10/14/2014 10:47:40 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

quote:

ORIGINAL: Zonie63

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr
Make no mistake about it; I stand by what I said in my quote directly above. I've also been around here for a day or two and I've seen submissive females coddled, male dominants excoriated, male submissives berated and degraded and female dominants kowtowed to. There appears (to me) to be a general air here that promotes this kind of behavior. That's as may be and all's fair ... blah, blah, blah but let's not pretend - for even a millisecond - that there isn't a propensity on these boards to be more tolerant to a submissive's stated "needs" (I actually threw up a little, in my mouth, typing that word) than to the same type of immovability exhibited by a dominant.

I've noticed this, too, although my impression is that some of this attitude subsided several months ago.

Have to say my view is on a line between you two.

It goes in waves lol. It will subside for several months, then all of a sudden you will get a new wave of 'woe is me subs' who have been wronged by some Dom...and all of a sudden, it's back to the lynching.

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RE: What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relatio... - 10/14/2014 11:04:17 AM

littleladybug

Posts: 1082
Joined: 5/30/2013
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quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

If s-types (or even S/switches) were deferred to the way in which Dominants customarily are, from what I've witnessed for myself, then I would hold them to the same ethical standards of conduct towards others. (With my own sub, or any I may choose to put under consideration for ownership, I have my own personal standards of integrity that I apply privately, as with any other man I would be considering for an intimate LTR, preferably within a D/s power-authority dynamic.) In some instances, an s-type who carries herself/himself confidently or who is assertive, can get mistaken for being the D-type, and you (plural) can't tell me that they don't get treated more respectfully as a result--until it has been ascertained that they are not the D. (Per a certain male sub friend of mine who always gets mistaken for a Dom at fetish parties and at Dungeon events.)

This is a very interesting comment, FO.

From my own perspective as a submissive, who has been involved with Dominants for the past 20 or so years, the "deference" part absolutely rings true. In my experience, this simply comes with the territory. Personally, I've gotten over my phase of wanting to call everyone who identifies themselves as a Dom "Sir", and I've learned, through my own experiences, the importance of asserting myself, in terms of my own "needs" and "wants"...which makes me a happier person and a better sub.

But, from what I've seen, I'm probably in a minority in this. This kink world in which we find ourselves can be a very confusing place. As much as it may hurt to admit, we are in a world in which predators and abusers can find their prey. I am not, by any means, saying that *all" (or even close to *most) fall into that category, but fact of the matter is, that's the fact of the matter. I've been involved with it first-hand.

The only reason I bring this up is to give a possible reason for the perception of "coddling" of submissives. Personally, I have no problem telling a submissive that she "deserves better" if she is questioning her relationship with someone who I see as not the right fit for her. Dang...I wish, early on, that someone had told me the same thing...

In terms of Doms being "excoriated"? Personally, I have not seen that trend on here. But, my philosophy is to call an asshat an asshat. If that person happens to identify as "Dom"...so the hell what?

quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

Since there are many Doms who post on these Boards, I don't see male Dominants getting raked over the coals unless they are allegedly exhibiting 4sshat-ish behavior and conducting themselves shabbily. No, we aren't normally privy to the other side of the story, and may not ever know the irrefutable subjective truths of any given situation, but such is life as it applies to each and every one of us. We can only go on the basis of what information we're being told.

Amen.

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RE: What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relatio... - 10/14/2014 2:55:11 PM

DaddySatyr

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From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Zonie63

I've noticed this, too, although my impression is that some of this attitude subsided several months ago.

I really meant my statement as a general musing from personal observation but I have got to agree with you - across the boards - there seems to have been a bit of an attitude shift.

In all fairness; I have seen newbies, asking questions treated much more kindly. I've seen HNGs being handled a little bit more gently and I've seen an over-all welcome tone more so than probably for three years or so before that.

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

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RE: What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relatio... - 10/14/2014 3:14:37 PM

DesFIP

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Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr

How many times have we seen people come here, telling us about how they "need" a spanking

I isolated this because if you're going to restrict needs to food, shelter, clothing then why should anyone not just be assigned a random partner? After all, if you're saying that liking or loving or even just respecting your partner is a want and not a need, we should all be with the first person we ever dated. So why aren't you?

If you need, or just really, really want a satisfying sex life and for you that includes s & m, then it is a need. And when wants are unfulfilled for years, they can well turn into needs.

We're allowed to decide for ourselves what is or isn't a need. For me that includes a dominant partner, not a submissive one or one who is wired for power equal relationships who would not understand me. For someone else, that could well include impact play.

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RE: What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relatio... - 10/14/2014 3:21:08 PM

DaddySatyr

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr

How many times have we seen people come here, telling us about how they "need" a spanking

I isolated this because if you're going to restrict needs to food, shelter, clothing then why should anyone not just be assigned a random partner? After all, if you're saying that liking or loving or even just respecting your partner is a want and not a need, we should all be with the first person we ever dated. So why aren't you?

It's too bad you chose not to isolate the part right before it which puts that little snippet into focus:

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr

What are truly needs in our life? One human need is for intimate interaction (not necessarily sex but closeness). I recognize that and I also recognize that that can take several forms, depending upon a person's own connotation of the word. Some people, as I'm about to demonstrate, take that to an extreme.

How many times have we seen people come here, telling us about how they "need" a spanking or they "need" a new sex toy or they "need" to cheat on their partner?

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

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Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

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RE: What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relatio... - 10/14/2014 4:38:09 PM

DerangedUnit

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In response to op: I didnt compromise at one point he said "let me show you what it's supposed to be" how we went about relationships was opposite but I agreed an found out I like his way better. I asked him if he compromised for me and he said "No. You are perfect."

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RE: What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relatio... - 10/24/2014 5:56:22 PM

FieryOpal

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DerangedUnit

I asked him if he compromised for me and he said "No. You are perfect."

Smart man of yours.

I suppose there is that idealistic part of me which hopes that not only will I not have to make any compromises (unrealistic as all get-out), but that I shall find a man who is so ideally suited for me that nothing will be a sacrifice for either of us to be together.... Or at least that it will seem that way.... Somebody who doesn't act like everything has to be a negotiation, because we were meant to be a couple. ♥

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RE: What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relatio... - 11/10/2014 10:17:50 AM

FieryOpal

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
<snip>
With that said, the person who makes the decisions must prove him or herself to be a good decision maker if they want that decision making power.

Whoever can make the best decisions should be the person to make them. Within a D/s dynamic, the D should be willing to delegate (budget, finances, childrearing, etc.) if s/he knows his or her partner is better at performing those tasks. I still say the D has the final say-so.

(Otherwise, it would be something other than D/s.)

But if the D is delegating the lion's share of decisionmaking, then what kind of authority does s/he really have? Without being decisive, then what you have is an egalitarian dynamic, and there's nothing wrong with that if it's workable for the couple, but it then it no longer can be packaged as a D/s-M/s relationship dynamic. Even when my husband was my bedroom submissive, I still took charge of most of the decisionmaking and plotted the course we took. (It just took him a while to catch on and get with the program.)

Back to Compromises. On Blonderfluff's thread I had started out by saying I wasn't willing to make any, then reconsidered later on.

I think that as mature adults, we should all be willing to make a few trade-offs when necessary, no matter what side of the kneel we're on. The best ones, of course, are those that don't end up feeling like we made a significant compromise at all--that what we stand to gain outweighs or overshadows any perceived concession, so that neither party feels as if they don't end up benefitting jointly. Easier said than done in some cases.

Very recently, I decided to reconsider male switches again. Of course, he has to be submissive to me in order to be a suitable match. I don't want either of us to end up discontented, or feel as though we compromised in what we are seeking in a mate. What I don't want or need are endless rounds of negotiations for us to get our needs met or to have our life priorities in alignment. With anyone.

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Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
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RE: What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relatio... - 11/10/2014 2:45:00 PM

sexyred1

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I was in a very hot, dramatic, lust filled, chemically crazed relationship with my ex for many years.

I compromised way too much to keep the sexual aspect, I compromised my basic needs, not just wants.

And I do believe that those compromises did change me, in some ways damaged my psyche, but on a positive note, I will never compromise on how I should be treated ever again.

The odd thing, is that I had numerous serious relationships in my life, including marriage, and never did I allow the degree of compromises that I allowed in this one relationship. Those relationships had mutual compromises.

So for me, I will not compromise on being myself, being heard, being cared for, treated with respect, given attention, honesty and laughing with someone.

I am still angry at myself for allowing this.

But I will get over it and now, I finally feel that being alone is so much better than being with crazy.

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