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losttreasure -> RE: A Good Dom... (2/11/2007 9:13:38 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Wildfleurs
I'd absolutely say that I examined him and his standards and I would say I found them livable and ones that if they didn't mesh with me (because not all of them did) that I could see myself adjusting my standards to fit his.
...To me again its a little different. Because I found that his standards were absolutely bearable and in some instances meshed with mine and in some instances didn't mesh with mine, but I found that I could adjust to his standards its still him steering the relationship. If we had differeing standards and he had to adjust to meet mine then I would be steering the relationship (like if I gave him the standards you outlined in the post as something for him to adjust to).
Hope that helps clarify
I do understand what you're saying, C, and honestly I don't disagree. I suppose what it boils down to is that not only have I sought a dom who holds similar standards to mine, but by adjusting myself to any standards he has that differ from mine, I'm in essence adopting them. So... him steering the relationship by his standards, he's also steering by mine because we either held them in common to begin with or I've adopted them.
Does that make sense? [:D]
quote:
ORIGINAL: SirDominic
In sweeping generalizations (and I know how MUCH some of you love those), my opinion is that many Doms think you have done the ultimate topping from the bottom with your Good Dom satire. It is not the sub's place to set the parameters of the relationship, nor to dictate what should happen when. That is Dom territory.
*laughs* You are right... I definitely struck a nerve somewhere.
I'm only guessing here, but I have a feeling that the doms who've railed against this piece may not have read the original "Good Wife" piece and just assumed that it was an essay on what would make a good dom. That, or perhaps they didn't view the original from the standpoint of the "Good Wife" being a submissive doing exactly as her dom had instructed.
My assumption when I began the "Good Dom" article was that the instructions given in the "Good Wife" piece were in support of his desires. What I did was try to "reverse-engineer" what I thought might be reasonable advice for the dom who thought the "Good Wife" advice was spot on for his needs and desires. Of course, I also tried to mimic the style and flavor of the original piece.
Looking at it from another view, in the "Good Wife" piece our (assumed) submissive is advised, "Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is a part of the warm welcome needed."
Now if we presume that our "Good Dom" thinks this advice is peachy and spot-on for his needs, then what kind of advice might we give him that would help him elicit compliance and encourage the desired behavior?
As a side-note here, I will admit that I also assumed that our dominant would be one who would prefer to not have to resort to threats or intimidation in order to get what he wants. I may be wrong, but my general impression is that most dominants don't really like to have to punish... they would prefer that their submissives submit because they want to and leave any "punishing" for play. The advice was therefore geared toward achieving compliance while maintaining maximum harmony and ... keeping his domly image intact. Believe me, I know that dominants do not like to be told what to do... least of all from a submissive. It's actually one of the things that I like about them [;)]
But this dominant is open to learning and suggestions... otherwise why would he be reading advice to begin with?
Nonetheless, I did attempt to be very careful and include softer, "encouraging" words such as "try" where it was possible to do so without compromising the tenor of the piece (remember I was trying to mimic the 1955 piece) and the general flow of wording.
At any rate, in trying to decide what advice would do for the above example, I looked to what I know about submissive nature and about human nature in general. While submission in a D/s relationship is entirely consensual and the dominant should only need to express his expectations to gain compliance, I do know that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
Trust is also a very large component in D/s and one of the easiest ways to establish trust is by displaying reasonable and consistent behavior. Another component of equal importance is communication... a submissive will find compliance a struggle if she has no clear indications as to what is expected.
The advice I came up with contained those elements...
Be ready to have dinner when you get home. Arrive home with a healthy appetite by trying to avoid having a late lunch, skip the extra helpings, and pass on any afternoon snack.
This is the "reasonable and consistent" part. If you require your sub to have dinner ready for you at a certain time, it is only reasonable that you actually want your dinner at that time. While it is completely understandable that you may wish to enjoy the freedom to eat what you want and when you want, it is a measure of your own self-control that should you create the expectation of set dinner time, you should be able to abide by it on a consistent basis. If that doesn't work for you, then don't establish the requirement to begin with.
Help her plan ahead; share with her what your favorite meals are and let her know if there’s something special you’d like.
This is the communication part. While a submissive could operate with only the direction to prepare "something" for dinner, giving her additional information is beneficial not only for you, but for her. Many submissives gain pleasure from giving pleasure, and by giving her the information that a certain dish will make you happy, you've given her the means to please not only you, but herself.
Take care to show appreciation for extra effort she makes to welcome you home in the manner you most like.
This is the "honey" part. Gaining approval and earning appreciation is the goal for many submissives. Though by rights you should not have to "reward" her for doing what you expect her to do and what she consented to do, by showing appreciation for any extra effort that you notice, you give her additional incentive and ultimately raise the bar for future endeavors.
So... while the "Good Dom" piece is ultimately satirical by virtue of it's purpose in relation to the "Good Wife" piece, it does contain bits of truth as so noted by RavenMuse, CreativeDominant, NorthernGent and others. That doesn't mean that it stands as it is, ready to be a how-to list for dominants. But that was never the intent.
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