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falling in love with your Master - 5/7/2007 7:21:04 PM   
moki1984


Posts: 274
Joined: 2/22/2007
Status: offline 		Im going to take a wild guess Im not the first one this has happened to lol.....

My master and I spend a lot of time together..not just "play" time , it is a 24/7 relationship for us and it works very well with us. He is firm and "grr" but also sweet and sensual..great combo huh? So I suppose I should of known this was dangerous territory emotionally..but I find myself thinking "what am I going to do when I leave in a few months" I am moving out of state and honestly..the though of not having my master ...breaks my heart. Sure I coudl find a new master..but i dont want a new one. I want to be his....and thats it.

This would be wonderful and not a problem except......the reason I am moving is because I am married and we are going to another state, no choice in that.. I was told awhile back by some experienced individuals on here that this can be a dangerous road to travel when your in a vanilla marriage....I suppose they were right.

I dont really know what Im going to do. My husband looks at bdsm as nothing more than sexual fetish where for me it is a lifestyle that fits who I am as a woman. It is a part of me unfortunately hubby cant fulfill.

I think Im in a bit of a predicament. How terrible is my husband going to feel when im crying in a few months heartbroken because I had to leave my Master...that would hurt anyone seeing their signifigant other crying over another man/woman. Or what if I stay with my Master...howh badly will he feel seeing my hurt? I genuinelly feel bad about this and feel that I in some ways asked for it...common sense I knew their was a risk of growing too attached to My Master.....and now no matter what I do Im going to hurt and someone else is going to be hurt. My Master does not want me to leave....sighs. The tangled web I have weaved

< Message edited by moki1984 -- 5/7/2007 7:22:41 PM >
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RE: falling in love with your Master - 5/7/2007 7:25:56 PM   
spanklette


Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline 		I wish I had some advise for you, but the proverbial milk has been spilled. I'm sorry...and, I hope your husband will be more understanding than you think.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to moki1984)
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RE: falling in love with your Master - 5/7/2007 7:28:00 PM   
moki1984


Posts: 274
Joined: 2/22/2007
Status: offline 		yes..i know. cant really give me advice on this one.....it is in many ways my fault.

(in reply to spanklette)
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RE: falling in love with your Master - 5/7/2007 7:35:14 PM   
Enyo


Posts: 35
Joined: 4/27/2007
Status: offline 		you've put yourself in a very difficult situation.

Can you move for a while and see how that give that a go?  Is it so far you wouldn't be able to visit?  Sometimes LD play can be very interesting.

(in reply to moki1984)
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RE: falling in love with your Master - 5/7/2007 7:37:10 PM   
moki1984


Posts: 274
Joined: 2/22/2007
Status: offline 		ill see how it works out.....

(in reply to Enyo)
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RE: falling in love with your Master - 5/7/2007 7:46:24 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I've missed a few steps.  Last I heard anything specific, you were going to a fetish ball and your husband was completely understanding and encouraging.

Personally I'd be fine with my partner crying over leaving behind someone they loved- as long as I knew he still felt that moving with me was right for them and for us.

You have to decide what's right for you.  Frankly I don't think you're really in love with your master, I think you're swept up in newbie frenzy still and love the IDEA of all this.  I'm not really sure what you and your husband decided to do after that fetish ball, but presumably he already knows about the master and you've already told your husband that you love your master and have these worries.

If you haven't- well that's your first step.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to moki1984)
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RE: falling in love with your Master - 5/7/2007 8:33:01 PM   
MissOchistic


Posts: 315
Joined: 4/30/2007
Status: offline 		Wow....we are in very, very similar boats.

Many couples live apart...have you considered telling hubby that your life is too settled and you cannot move?


_____________________________



"The amount i care for Thee
is more than two, but less than three."

"Submission is a potlatch."

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: falling in love with your Master - 5/7/2007 8:34:45 PM   
moki1984


Posts: 274
Joined: 2/22/2007
Status: offline 		many parts of me dont want to move..my entire family is here and i have spent past few yaers of my life moving around (i was in the army) but he is being stationed downsouth..its not something we have a choice in.

(in reply to MissOchistic)
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RE: falling in love with your Master - 5/7/2007 8:36:39 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Well if I remember correctly, the husband is an enlisted man and has been away for a few months at least and it sounds like being shipped somewhere else once he returns and she will obviously move to be with him as his wife.

She could, of course, decide to end her marriage, but I don't think that's where she is now.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MissOchistic)
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RE: falling in love with your Master - 5/7/2007 8:44:07 PM   
MissOchistic


Posts: 315
Joined: 4/30/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: moki1984

many parts of me dont want to move..my entire family is here and i have spent past few yaers of my life moving around (i was in the army) but he is being stationed downsouth..its not something we have a choice in.


Okay, so we're in exactly the same boat, lol...my hubby is military too.

my Master happens to be too, but that's another story...

with him being military, it should be even easier for you to stay right where you are, as they will provide you with BAH. Why don't you just stay put? It's clearly what you want.

I'll tell you this....i am where i am because i moved with my husband because i felt like i had no other choice. I would do anything, anything, to reverse that decision now.


_____________________________



"The amount i care for Thee
is more than two, but less than three."

"Submission is a potlatch."

(in reply to moki1984)
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RE: falling in love with your Master - 5/7/2007 9:17:29 PM   
Slavetrainer2007


Posts: 231
Joined: 12/2/2006
Status: offline 		I still haven't figured out how you ( being in general)  can have a vanilla relationship such as marriage and a D/s relationship with someone  at the same time.  Their is no good way to look at it.. you know sitting on the fence trying to decide what side is greener will give you a sore ass right?

Im still trying to fathom how people actually do this. Being blunt...and not necessarily directed at the OP but pick a side of the fence of stick to it. either have a vanilla relationship and deal with a hubby not interested in BDSM or pick a master and lose  the hubby. but trying to have the best of both worlds to me is greedy and greed IMO always bites you in the ass with big sharp jagged teeth right when you arent looking and lets go about like a pissed off pit bull .

My best advice. Pick a side of the fence.I know that can be hard right now but in the long run it will make your life alot easier. trying to juggle a master and husband is way to complicated anyway. your not giving yourself fully to either relationship so not only are you causing you unnecessary pain you are not being fair to them and are causing them unnecessary pain.





_____________________________

Life is given, Everything else is earned.

(in reply to MissOchistic)
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RE: falling in love with your Master - 5/7/2007 9:24:12 PM   
spanklette


Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline 		You sure put a lot of generalizations into a small space. Many people have meaningful D/s relationships with their vanilla partner "in the know". Sometimes D/s isn't about love and romance...it's about Dominance and submission. Some people are able to separate the two, and others aren't. There's no "right" way to live and be happy within the lifestyle...or outside of it, for that matter.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to Slavetrainer2007)
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RE: falling in love with your Master - 5/7/2007 10:15:19 PM   
Slavetrainer2007


Posts: 231
Joined: 12/2/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: spanklette

You sure put a lot of generalizations into a small space. Many people have meaningful D/s relationships with their vanilla partner "in the know". Sometimes D/s isn't about love and romance...it's about Dominance and submission. Some people are able to separate the two, and others aren't. There's no "right" way to live and be happy within the lifestyle...or outside of it, for that matter.


To me having two sexual and/ or intimate relationships and , i will clarify that any D/s relationship on a physical level is sexual to me,  one being vanilla and one being  D/s  is sitting on a fence trying to decide which  yard has the greener grass.  Of course, I dont understand how someone can be switch either. Your either dominate or your submissive, both are hardwiring to me.  This is like telling me your hairdryer is A/C current and D/C current. it cant be both it has to be one or the other.  either you want a vanilla relationship or your want a D/s one. Wanting both to me  makes me think you are confused to as what you want.

But to each their own. If you like sitting on the fence by all means sit on the fence.  If in you world it can be A/C current and D/C current and  switches are hardwired to sub and dom and they can turn it on and off like a light switch and you can have a vanilla and D/s relationship both then im happy for you..

But in reality, this scenario  with vanilla and D/s at the same time  seems to create  more pain than pleasure.  Sadism anyone?

< Message edited by Slavetrainer2007 -- 5/7/2007 10:17:23 PM >

_____________________________

Life is given, Everything else is earned.

(in reply to spanklette)
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RE: falling in love with your Master - 5/7/2007 10:44:47 PM   
earthycouple


Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Slavetrainer2007

I still haven't figured out how you ( being in general)  can have a vanilla relationship such as marriage and a D/s relationship with someone  at the same time.  Their is no good way to look at it.. you know sitting on the fence trying to decide what side is greener will give you a sore ass right?

Im still trying to fathom how people actually do this. Being blunt...and not necessarily directed at the OP but pick a side of the fence of stick to it. either have a vanilla relationship and deal with a hubby not interested in BDSM or pick a master and lose  the hubby. but trying to have the best of both worlds to me is greedy and greed IMO always bites you in the ass with big sharp jagged teeth right when you arent looking and lets go about like a pissed off pit bull .

My best advice. Pick a side of the fence.I know that can be hard right now but in the long run it will make your life alot easier. trying to juggle a master and husband is way to complicated anyway. your not giving yourself fully to either relationship so not only are you causing you unnecessary pain you are not being fair to them and are causing them unnecessary pain.






Jackass

"Everything i have stated in this post is my opinion, It should be viewed as such. Do not try to quote me and tell me i am wrong, as i can assure you i am not. Opinions cannot be wrong, since opinions are one's "views" of a subject."

That's my opinion.

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to Slavetrainer2007)
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RE: falling in love with your Master - 5/8/2007 2:31:21 AM   
adoracat


Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Slavetrainer2007

I still haven't figured out how you ( being in general)  can have a vanilla relationship such as marriage and a D/s relationship with someone  at the same time.  Their is no good way to look at it.. you know sitting on the fence trying to decide what side is greener will give you a sore ass right?

Im still trying to fathom how people actually do this. Being blunt...and not necessarily directed at the OP but pick a side of the fence of stick to it. either have a vanilla relationship and deal with a hubby not interested in BDSM or pick a master and lose  the hubby. but trying to have the best of both worlds to me is greedy and greed IMO always bites you in the ass with big sharp jagged teeth right when you arent looking and lets go about like a pissed off pit bull .

My best advice. Pick a side of the fence.I know that can be hard right now but in the long run it will make your life alot easier. trying to juggle a master and husband is way to complicated anyway. your not giving yourself fully to either relationship so not only are you causing you unnecessary pain you are not being fair to them and are causing them unnecessary pain.


some people are just not hardwired for monogamy of any sort.

i'm married.  i have been for nearly 15 years now.  he is vanilla.  he's also accepting that he cannot meet all of my needs, nor can i meet all of his.

i continue my submissiveness outside of my relationship with Sir...by being a good wife to my husband, by serving in the home, by waiting on my husband.  i do those things willingly and happily, even though they make HIM insane because he doesnt understand that by catering to his needs, i am fulfilling something *i* need to be happy.

my husband gets other needs of his met by the woman he has been seeing the last 4 years or so.  and i am content with that, too.

in my mind, i have to be able to truly care for whomever i am sharing intimacy with...and BDSM is a VERY intimate thing, with or without actual sexual contact.  so yes, i do dearly love my Sir as well as loving my husband. 

but these, obviously, are my experiences, and not a reflection of how anyone else should handle a relationship.

kitten, who is difficult and knows this...and whose Sir accepts her anyway.

(in reply to Slavetrainer2007)
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RE: falling in love with your Master - 5/8/2007 3:52:34 AM   
rubyleu


Posts: 63
Status: offline 		really confused (duh.. again..). the OP has a 24/7 relationship with her Master, yet she is married. does that make it a 48/14 relationship? How do you spend time with your hubbie and Master at the same time?
Personally, i made a choice 4yrs ago, because i know myself, and was falling for my Master, and no, did not get a divorce for my Master, but got divorced because it was way too confusing, too much work, for my headspace, to have a husband and a Master. but i also told myself, i had to make a choice, either leave this lifestyle (because hubbie didnt agree to it) and try to make my marriage work, find the missing 'spice', or get out of the relationship (my marriage) to fulfill my new found nature, or whats been buried deep in me, and finally came out..
to those who can do it, congratulations! i guess all parties come to an agreement, and have communicated.
But i find its a thin line to be with someone 24/7, besides your husband, and not fall in love with Him.. seriously... you gotta be one cold hearted sub to not fall for a Dom who gives you the time of your life..

(in reply to adoracat)
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RE: falling in love with your Master - 5/8/2007 7:22:51 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rubyleu
How do you spend time with your hubbie and Master at the same time?

The same way you can spend time with your husband and your sister at the same time?

But again, relationship doesn't equal "spending time" with someone.  Polyamory doesn't mean you spend every day all day with everyone you are in a relationship with.  You form an individual relationship with each other person AND you form an overarching relationship which encompasses everyone.  Back when I had 5 partners, I saw them to varying degrees of regularity, and had different priorities for each, but we all worked together just fine.  The reason the relationships ended had nothing to do with how much or little time we spent directly with eachother.

It's more than possible for someone to have a very fulfilling marriage AND a very fulfilling Ms relationship with different people.  Most people can't do it, or can't do it very well, but it certainly can happen.

In this particular case, I think Moki is still in sub frenzy, perhaps not even sure she wants to be with her husband anymore, is still young and has a regular problem of not following through with the things she starts.  Over the past two months she's "gotten into this," come out to her husband, found herself a master, believes she has fallen in love with that master and doesn't know how to handle the situation she is now in.

That's a tough place to be in and I don't envy her for it.  However, as long as she's being honest and open with both her husband and her master about what her confusions and feelings and priorities are, they will make it through as ethically and harm free as possible.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to rubyleu)
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RE: falling in love with your Master - 5/8/2007 8:01:20 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		I spent quite a few years with a married woman and spent much of it in her home with her husband.  While she and I had a monumental amount of drama, the triad as such had next to none and was in fact a pretty nice setup for all involved.  Because something doesn't work for you isn't the same as it being a bad idea.  I can't imagine what women see in sucking men's cocks but it seems to work for many.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: falling in love with your Master - 5/8/2007 8:45:52 AM   
moki1984


Posts: 274
Joined: 2/22/2007
Status: offline 		i appreciate this feedback.....

i have not seen my husband for sometime to be honest but this is not why i did this....we have .to be honest our marriage has been on the cliff so to say for sometime. My Master...well in the beginning it was not intended to be anything more than a temporary D/s relationship to give us both what we wanted....we have not had sexual relations mind you but the "want" for it is their. I am sitting on that fence right now and I do need to decide which way Im going to go. It's not fair to either......at this point both want me completely for them..no sharing. Is it suprising my husband wants this now? Not at all....nor is it suprising that my master wants me for himself purely. If I stay married I ..I will feel like I did the *cough* "right thing" but I doubt Im going to be happy. Besides the fact my submission will be ignored an duntouched by him...he thinks if he brings a whip home for sex that night it fulfills me...he cant seemto grasp its more than sex. We have other issues too though...

If I leave my husband .....I will be unhappy and happy at the same time. Happy because I feel like im where im supposed to be with my master and i feel secure, happy, wanted etc. with him.....but I will feel like a complete whore for awhile for leaving hubby...call me old fashion I just never thought the thought of divorce would ever hit my mind. Im not divorcing him right now....i know that. I know for sure I am going to move even if temporarily just to see....I feel as my husband he deserves a fair chance, right? Damnit this situation sucks. Either way I go im going to get hurt and Im either going to hurt My Master or my husband. I dont want to do either. This will be interesting how this all pans out. Hubby will get a fair chance though...im not going to see him for the first time in awhile and hand him a divorce ...I will move with him and see what happens. *sighs* such drama

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
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RE: falling in love with your Master - 5/8/2007 8:56:26 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Just tell me that you HAVE told your husband all this, yes?  How does he feel about being given a "fair chance"?

Frankly it sounds like you're having a competition to see which of your suitors will ultimately win you as the prize.  I find it suspect that your master wants you for himself- presuming he got into this KNOWING you were married, KNOWING this was only going to be temporary.  Feelings can change and that's what happens, but I would think on his end to be most ethical, he'd back off himself and let you make a free choice and allow you to honor the commitment you have made AND not interfere with another man's wife.  The fact that he still seems to be persuing you and clouding your judgement suggests he wants you more than he wants to remain honest and start things off with a clean slate.

You and your husband should try therapy together if possible, with a kink aware professional.  You have other issues and IMO you are using kink as a way to escape from dealing with them directly and get YOUR needs met without really thinking about how to fulfill your commitments as a wife.  The distance of course makes it very easy for you.

I'm sorry you are in such a hard place, but it is a place of your own making.  Your own pain actually is the least relevant part of this.  Their pain?  Well they are big boys and will deal with it.  Instead, try and be as open, honest, and ethical as possible.  Everyone wins that way.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to moki1984)
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