Too much to ask? (Full Version)

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RiotGirl -> Too much to ask? (5/8/2005 7:52:46 PM)

i am asking in the Masters section because its about Masters so Masters should know. i'd like to know if i was out in left field.

Its about time spent together, between a Master and a slave.

i have a Real Life relationship, albiet a (one hour) long distance one. Which really isnt that far or long, but for the records sake. Usually i saw him on the weekends. Sometimes weekends leading into weeks or weeks leading into weekends.

slowly getting longer and longer. Though its Unsual, i saw Master one day in the past month. One DAY. (am i so strange to be upset?) i havent seen him in about two weeks and he is coming for one day again and then another two weeks. As its become a two week time span before we see each other now. So it'll be about two days out of a month and half.

there are always "little reasons" of why.

but i am frustrated, confused and hurt. So i'm abit angry as well. i know Master loves me and cares for me. But i just dont get it.

i know it is up to a Master's discretion to when he see's his slave and all that jazz. Should i just sit back and be patient again? Sit back and say okay this is how it is? Am i out in left field for feeling this way? Am i wrong? Is the fact that i miss him so much confusing me with my position?


This is like punishment in a way. A very effective punishment that Doms can use. Oh and talking and telling Master how i feel will not do me a whit of good as he already knows.




EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/8/2005 9:00:22 PM)

It's not wrong for you to feel how you are feeling and want more.

It is wrong to expect him to change just because of it.

I would assume you've explained your feelings to him, your doubts and insecurities. How does he react to them? Does he make you secure for a few hours/days and then it all comes flooding back?

Long distance relationships suck. And one of the hard things is to sustain security without the normal means most other relationships have at their disposal. The truth is that one of the best ways to do this is establish and keep regular contact.

So- how do you do it? What ARE the little things that crop up? Why can't he do them with you? Heck I spent the whole afternoon with the Owner and all we did was yard work, I was a great extra person to help.

This is obviously a communication and security problem, none of the answers of which you will find here. Talk to him about it, see if HE feels there's a need to change, see if he understands exactly where this is putting you.



RiotGirl -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/8/2005 9:39:50 PM)

Thanks for responding. Its not that i expect him to change who he is or how he goes about things, i expect him NOT to change.

Doubts and insecurities. We've some isssues there. Shall i say i've some issues there? They pop up alot (about once a month), expecially with alot of time apart. Usually about two weeks is what i can go before they start flooding back. Second week is when i start to have problems. i think i've also made it a sore spot with him, because they keep coming back. The last time i tried to lay out and point specifically to things that bother me. i only made it half way though and he got pretty upset. Usually though the security lasts about a week and then it comes all flooding back. i dunno why. i try and try to over come it. its driving me insane really.

We do keep in regular contact. He has a voice chat program on the computer that i can keep open and running in the back ground. It works for awhile.

The things that crop up? things i used to be able to do with him. Last time he had to change the oil and other things. For 3 different weekends it was the car needed to be fixed.. but then the parts werent aviable. i dont know why this weekend. For awhile i think it was the struggle to see each other so much and the hardship of it. He did say about a month ago, we'd be seeing more of each other because certian barriers were removed.

He feels that it lays in my head. My negativity and that "ppl are out to get me" and i'm trying to make him the bad guy. When he isnt, because he is so wonderful. He does feel that there is a need to change. In me.

But honestly, i just dont know what to do anymore. i cant do it by myself. i cant find the answers in me. i feel like i am learning to not need him anymore. After learning to need him so much.

He says in other words its "life circumstances" Though i have always felt that if you wanted to be with someone you would. And since he does want to be with me why is he letting things stop him?

Which of course is just the bigger picture. i came looking for answers here as not to react badly again. i dont want to upset him again with my reaction, but on the other hand i am soo hurt that i am only seeing for a short overnight trip.

i'm at a loss. i dont know what to do anymore. Am i just so completely wrong? Do i need to just learn to shut up and be patient. Swallow and ignore it all?



RiotGirl -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/8/2005 9:57:30 PM)

okay something happened to your message

but i think it gave me the answer i was looking for

basically from what i read....

its prolly all just in my head and i need to learn to deal with it.

i can live with that



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/8/2005 10:16:07 PM)

Whre, I'm glad you saw it at least!

That really wasn't the intent of my message, but the reality is that most of the issues we face are due to our own baggage (not that others aren't assholes and sometimes crummy at some things themselves). This is why some major issues are no big deal to some people and huge messes for others.

Keep lines of communication open, keep a journal to look for your own patterns, so you can anticipate and be prepared.



FangsNfeet -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/8/2005 11:19:07 PM)

well Riot I don't know your Master but I can let you know a few of the most probable things going on.

1. There's someone else.

2. It's a mind game to drive you a little crazy.

3. Mabye you have to much spunk and he needs the 2 week break.

4. It's possible that he feels he's getting to close to fast and wants to take a step back keeping you as a friend with bennifits for now and figuring in going forward with it again a little later.

My best advice,

well if you don't like mind games then see how things go for another month or two. Talk and explain that you are expecting more in the relationship. Perhaps even moving closer if not in together. Where ever it leads you, atleast you have honesty and for better or worse in what you hear, you'll be strong enough to handle it.




Lordandmaster -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/8/2005 11:46:09 PM)

I strongly agree with this. Make sure he knows how you feel. He might not want to hear it, but a relationship isn't going to work unless both parties are honest with each other--and that means making the other person know how you feel.

If you do talk to him seriously, don't let him give you bullshit for an answer. Yes, he's the master, it's his call, etc. etc. But part of your role as his slave is to help your master be the best person he can be, and giving you a line of bullshit should be beneath him. Maybe he doesn't even know himself exactly what he's doing--in which case, he can't possibly give you an honest answer, because in that case he isn't even being honest with himself.

Talking opening with him like this will either spur the relationship along or be the first stab towards killing it. But at least you won't be in limbo anymore.

Lam

quote:

ORIGINAL: FangsNfeet

well if you don't like mind games then see how things go for another month or two. Talk and explain that you are expecting more in the relationship. Perhaps even moving closer if not in together. Where ever it leads you, atleast you have honesty and for better or worse in what you hear, you'll be strong enough to handle it.





MrKite -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/9/2005 6:58:16 AM)

IMHO, you’re being played. I read his profile and did the math. My instinct says something isn't right.

You didn't say that either of you made any commitments so what you have is a relationship of convenience. Close enough to make it very doable, far enough to be forgotten until convenient again.

Personally I don’t understand how one can say they are owned or say they own a slave in that kind of relationship. What makes it even more baffling for me is that you clearly want more.

I’ll disagree with the majority here. We have feelings, instinct and intellect. Often one these three methods of processing information can incorrectly override the other two because it tells us what we want to hear. If there is no harmony, if something is out of balance, if you think something is wrong, it probably is. Check it out.

You read the boards, theirs is currently a thread running about the feelings sub missives have when they are at peace with themselves (submissive fuzzies)
If you don't feel that, then well you can figure it out from there.



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/9/2005 7:15:12 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MrKite
Personally I don’t understand how one can say they are owned or say they own a slave in that kind of relationship. What makes it even more baffling for me is that you clearly want more.

It works perfectly for me. The Owner lives with his primary and travels often for work. Sometimes I see him once a week, sometimes I see him once a month, sometimes I see him a few times a week. Sometimes I spend a week in his house catsitting because they are both away on travel and don't see him at all.

What exactly about not living with or seeing your Owner at irregular intervals makes its not understandable?



RiotGirl -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/9/2005 7:15:26 AM)

hey Fangs and LoD

i've gone over other possible reasons other then it being in my head. Just incase you know. i've thought of all reasons you've mentioned and mentioned them to him. Any other suggestions? Any other suggestions for the possible waning in interest and the lack of seeing each other?

quote:


in which case, he can't possibly give you an honest answer, because in that case he isn't even being honest with himself.


i've tried talking. Telling him things just simply dont make sense to me. i was told that things dont always make sense. Which was basically his answer. That and its in my head, nothings amiss.

quote:


Talking opening with him like this will either spur the relationship along or be the first stab towards killing it. But at least you won't be in limbo anymore.


i've tried that, because i DO feel like i'm in limbo. Nothing changes. Nothing is amiss. If i upset him or say something he doesnt like or voice something he doesnt like or act off, nothing changes nothing amiss. He loves me, wants to move in, misses me, wants to be with me. Its all peaches and roses on his side, except for this issue i keep bringing up and is running around in my head. Which he just "takes"

i can see it from his point of view. Which is more towards Emeralds view. Its on me and he's being a stand up guy dealing with it and not letting it interfer in our relationship. Which i can understand and appreciate and am sorry to be doing. i know he's tried. He tries keeping in contact better with me. He's tried helping me release the doubt

i'm supposed to just give it up and ignore it. i just cant and little things bring it roaring back. i mean, i'm sure if i can get a general consenses thats its all in my head i could. Because i dont always think it is.

but REALLY, is it too much of me to ask to see him more? Thats what this is supposed to be about. Am i wrong to be upset about the lack of visitation? Is it too much to ask to see him more? As a slave am i just supposed to except it and be patient?



RiotGirl -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/9/2005 7:18:02 AM)

quote:

You didn't say that either of you made any commitments so what you have is a relationship of convenience. Close enough to make it very doable, far enough to be forgotten until convenient again.


i wear his collar. That is a commitment. We've talked about further commitments.



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/9/2005 7:22:07 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl

but REALLY, is it too much of me to ask to see him more? Thats what this is supposed to be about. Am i wrong to be upset about the lack of visitation? Is it too much to ask to see him more? As a slave am i just supposed to except it and be patient?

My initial response remains the same and it has nothing to do with being a slave.

It's not wrong to feel as you feel.

It's wrong to expect him to change just because of it.

HE has to see a reason to change and want it for himself too, otherwise he won't change, or if he does he will resent it.

If HE does not see a reason to change, you can either accept it or reject it by choosing to stay or leave the relationship. You get to decide which is more important- whatever X factor that he isn't changing, or being with him overall.

And no, you wouldn't be a bad person if you decide X is more important, especially if X really is ruining anything you have overall.

My guess is that it's not the lack of visitation that has you upset, it's the lack of stability, the wishy-washy responses as to why, and you're scared that it's who you are which is driving him away. And you can only deal with that between you both having some deep hard core discussions.



RiotGirl -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/9/2005 11:07:57 AM)

quote:

If HE does not see a reason to change, you can either accept it or reject it by choosing to stay or leave the relationship.


its not as easy as that

quote:

you can only deal with that between you both having some deep hard core discussions.


thats not going to happen. i have tried to approach the subject in many different ways, in various different settings, over a variety of time.

any other suggestions?



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/9/2005 11:10:23 AM)

If he is unwilling to do more discussions and has made his decisions on how to act clear, then you have come to your place of decision- which is more important? Which will allow you to be fulfilled in who you are the best? What can you accept and what can you not accept?

That pretty much is the question that comes to call in slavery- what can you accept?



RiotGirl -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/9/2005 11:28:24 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2

If he is unwilling to do more discussions and has made his decisions on how to act clear, then you have come to your place of decision- which is more important? Which will allow you to be fulfilled in who you are the best? What can you accept and what can you not accept?

That pretty much is the question that comes to call in slavery- what can you accept?


Thats pretty much the base of it i suppose. Except its still not that easy. Anyone who knows me, knows i am so utterly inlove with the man. The love i have for him has such a hold, such depth in me. It'd be like breaking my own heart.

So cant accept it or have difficulty doing so and cant break my own heart. What do i do? How do i make the hurting stop? So how do i learn to accept with out it making me feel the way it does?



Mercnbeth -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/9/2005 11:32:31 AM)

quote:

but REALLY, is it too much of me to ask to see him more?


apparently, yes. you say that you have discussed it with Him and He isn't the one having a problem with the amount of time that you two spend together.

quote:

Am i wrong to be upset about the lack of visitation?


not sure as to if you are "wrong" or not, but if you have discussed it with Him and He doesn't feel that more time together is warranted, then you are most likely wasting your energy by becoming upset by it.

quote:

As a slave am i just supposed to except it and be patient?


unless the alternative of not accepting it and asking for release appeals to you more.



RiotGirl -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/9/2005 11:39:36 AM)

quote:

but if you have discussed it with Him and He doesn't feel that more time together is warranted,


thats the thing. He does feel its warrented. It just doesnt happen. Or if it does its far and wide. Inconsitancies.

quote:


unless the alternative of not accepting it and asking for release appeals to you more.



so how to get over the little "hurts" ? which is why i started the thread. Cos i found out the visit tonight is just "overnight" and i was hurting and trying to be tough.



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/9/2005 11:40:04 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl

Thats pretty much the base of it i suppose. Except its still not that easy. Anyone who knows me, knows i am so utterly inlove with the man. The love i have for him has such a hold, such depth in me. It'd be like breaking my own heart.

So cant accept it or have difficulty doing so and cant break my own heart. What do i do? How do i make the hurting stop? So how do i learn to accept with out it making me feel the way it does?

This is why I repeat over and over and over and OVER again "Love has very little to do with making a relationship work long term"




Mercnbeth -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/9/2005 11:40:31 AM)

quote:

so how to get over the little "hurts"


forgive and move on



RiotGirl -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/9/2005 11:43:43 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

forgive and move on


ok

still think its the same thing as before?



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