RE: Too much to ask?

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RiotGirl -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/9/2005 11:44:32 AM)
quote: This is why I repeat over and over and over and OVER again "Love has very little to do with making a relationship work long term" Right and personally i'm not an advocate and never have been of love. But it can be the glue. Cos with out love, i doubt i'd still be here

EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/9/2005 12:02:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RiotGirl Right and personally i'm not an advocate and never have been of love. But it can be the glue. Cos with out love, i doubt i'd still be here And what do you think that says about the relationship as a whole?

RiotGirl -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/9/2005 12:28:08 PM)
quote: And what do you think that says about the relationship as a whole? it only says i am fed up with the frustration, confusion, doubts, worry, saddness, depression, moments of elvated happiness, anger, ect. It only means i am fed up with the instability of it all. That when i first started feeling like this i'd of walked off as i am not one to enjoy feeling like this. That with any person i doubt, i dont stick around to see if i'm wrong. It means i dont give people a chance beyond what i feel comfortable with. Been there done that. i have too much trouble with my emotional stability as it is, to risk it. It means i am fed up with people and fed up with life and i dont reach out andi dont take chances. i suppose it says i feel like its a risk, a chance. And i am out on a limb once again, something i SWORE i'd never do again

EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/9/2005 12:45:22 PM)
I really feel for you. I have the luxury of being objective in this situation where you have to deal with your past present and future all at once. I can't tell you what choices will be worthwhile to you and which will lead you to happiness. You beat yourself up a lot, you were probably taught to. But you can stop it, over time. People are going to be people, they WILL do crappy things to you, you WILL get into fights with them. You are a difficult person to be in a relationship with and that will always be part of the equation. Do you know who you are? What will make you fulfilled? Do you know if you started seeing him every weekend like clockwork that it would be ok? Is that really the core issue here? You've tried one way and it didn't work, you got hurt. Now you think you have love- love doesn't save you from anything. That ole Princess Bride line, life is pain. What we do is work with it as best we can. You seem to fight against everything all the time. You need to take the time to figure out who you are and what you need.

lacyann -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/9/2005 12:57:41 PM)
i know that i am just another submissive, but having played in a variety of situations for the last 6 1/2 years. it is often very difficult to mesh work schedules and time off and that kind of thing. i know i sometimes went for weeks with no action. and that was when i had multiple partners. now that i am in training Master and MIstress set up an initial schedule of one over night each week, when i go there directly from work and go to work from there the next day and one weekend each month. this week that was increased to every other weekend. All are benefiting from my training and Master and MIstress felt it was time to increase the pace. what actually happens while i'm there is completely under Their management. some weekends we don't actually scene or play at all. others we do something or even more than one something each day. Since we all have different work schedules, and different drains of our personal energy, we often do what ever feels comfortable, with me having very little say. it is difficult. but is working. lacyann addendum, early on i decided that if i was going to get the most out of this situation, i had to commit to trusting that Master would do his best to meet my needs, not my wants, maybe not my desires. but my needs. He has , in his time, not mine. some days that is tough cause i sometimes get burger king syndrome and want it my way, and more... Ultimately Master has met my needs as he sees them and i am blooming in ways i never imagianed. lacyann

RiotGirl -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/9/2005 1:04:54 PM)
quote: I really feel for you no need, we all have our life issues we struggle with. quote: I have the luxury of being objective in this situation which is why i appreciate your input so much. And others. quote: You are a difficult person to be in a relationship with and that will always be part of the equation. <grins> i'm a difficult person in general i think. ha ha. i tend to lock up tight. i just found recently why a couple of friends used to dislike me. And why two of the same group still does. i confuse them waaaaaaaaaay too much. Its great actually and i get a chuckle from it. quote: You need to take the time to figure out who you are and what you need. oh i know who i am. Which is why i am good at confusing other people. Generally i dont like others seeing who i am. Not until i deem them safe and un able to getting in my head and screwing with it. i know Excatly who i am, its just whether i choose to share it, be open about it, or let others on to what i call my "secret" i know what i need from others too. quote: Is that really the core issue here? honestly i doubt it. its a wide variety of things that all add up. Its everything i see when i keep my eyes closed. Its the things that people have no clue that i pay attention too or notice or think about. Its like the alarm for the secuirity system i have in place to protect myself from outside intruders wont shut up. Is the alarm right or is the security system just so highly sensitive anyone entering sets the alarm off?

perverseangelic -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/9/2005 2:03:45 PM)
Well, having read the thread, I can say that this situation wouldn't work for me, because I would feel neglected. That said, it seems like it was clear from the outset what kind of interaction you were going to have. I don't think it's unreasonable to want ot see him more, however it's clear that he doesn't want/need that. I know it's never as simple as just staying or leaving, but reading what you say it seems like that's the only choice. Talking hasn't done anything, so you hvae to decide whether this situation works for you, and if it doesn't work if his ownership of you demands that you stay. :(

RiotGirl -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/9/2005 11:46:13 PM)
quote: That said, it seems like it was clear from the outset what kind of interaction you were going to have. I don't think it's unreasonable to want ot see him more, however it's clear that he doesn't want/need that. i was some how mislead on that fact.

ruffnecksbabygir -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/10/2005 7:25:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2 <<But you can stop it, over time. People are going to be people, they WILL do crappy things to you, you WILL get into fights with them. You are a difficult person to be in a relationship with and that will always be part of the equation. <<life is pain. What we do is work with it as best we can. You seem to fight against everything all the time. You need to take the time to figure out who you are and what you need. that was a pretty powerful post which i could relate to tremendously! riotgirl, i wish i had an answer for you, i wish there was something i could suggest that would make it all ok but unfortunately it's not that simple. Emerald has given such great advice here that i don't think there is anything i could tell you that hasn't already been touched on by her. i don't think there is a simple answer to your question, i can't imagine any suggestions that could possibly help you not feel the hurt you are feeling when you aren't with your Master. i have the same dilema, and as you know we are a lot alike as far as our insecurities etc.... i think the insecurities play a major role in preventing the relationship itself from moving forward and from allowing you to feel satisfied and at peace with yourself. i think we often rely on others to give us that inner peace, when it should be within ourselves. The only advice i can offer to you is one which i am constantly reminding myself, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, everyone has their faults, issues, baggage, etc etc... all you can do is enjoy the moments you share together and in the end that's what you take with you... sometimes we are so wrapped up in our fears and every day issues that we over look the obvious, and we don't get to enjoy the present...my Master is leaving to Iraq in a couple of months...we are newlyweds and will be apart for at least 18 months....i don't even know how i will deal with that but i try to enjoy the moments that we spend together now and i just absorb as much as i can from him now, perhaps we wouldn't even value nearly as much each moment we spend together now if it weren't for the fact we know that soon we will part and who knows what can happen....but really, that reality exist for us all, we just dont realize that until it's too late some times. i don't think that telling him over and over again how you feel will help any infact it will probably just push him away, you already made it clear to him so it's up to him now...but try to make the times you do spend together as enjoyable as possible for the two of you...if he only sees you once a month or whatever and its to hear you whinning and complaining...(and that's NOT to say it's what you do hun)....then he probably won't want to spend a whole lot more time with ya....he is aware of how you feel, and there's nothing else you can do about it so let it go and accept it....or...as Merc & beth said, you can ask for release which i know it's not what you want. btw, i hope you're having a great time with him today [;)]

Stunning -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/10/2005 2:32:44 PM)
You have ignored your instincts. You will always regret ignoring your instincts because they are almost always right. He just isn't that into you anymore. He also doesn't have the balls to tell you this. At this point you should get angry at me for telling you this and strengthen your resolve to remain in a dishonest and neglectful relationship.

RiotGirl -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/11/2005 9:46:51 AM)
quote: You have ignored your instincts. You will always regret ignoring your instincts because they are almost always right. He just isn't that into you anymore. He also doesn't have the balls to tell you this. At this point you should get angry at me for telling you this and strengthen your resolve to remain in a dishonest and neglectful relationship. i never get angry at ppl who have the balls to say something most people dont, as long as its done in an honest non self full filling way.

Stunning -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/11/2005 10:21:30 AM)
Yea, my point is that you are a smart girl. Just trust your instincts.

RiotGirl -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/11/2005 10:34:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ruffnecksbabygir that was a pretty powerful post which i could relate to tremendously! riotgirl, i wish i had an answer for you, i wish there was something i could suggest that would make it all ok but unfortunately it's not that simple. Emerald has given such great advice here that i don't think there is anything i could tell you that hasn't already been touched on by her. i don't think there is a simple answer to your question, i can't imagine any suggestions that could possibly help you not feel the hurt you are feeling when you aren't with your Master. i have the same dilema, and as you know we are a lot alike as far as our insecurities etc.... i think the insecurities play a major role in preventing the relationship itself from moving forward and from allowing you to feel satisfied and at peace with yourself. i think we often rely on others to give us that inner peace, when it should be within ourselves. The only advice i can offer to you is one which i am constantly reminding myself, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, everyone has their faults, issues, baggage, etc etc... all you can do is enjoy the moments you share together and in the end that's what you take with you... sometimes we are so wrapped up in our fears and every day issues that we over look the obvious, and we don't get to enjoy the present...my Master is leaving to Iraq in a couple of months...we are newlyweds and will be apart for at least 18 months....i don't even know how i will deal with that but i try to enjoy the moments that we spend together now and i just absorb as much as i can from him now, perhaps we wouldn't even value nearly as much each moment we spend together now if it weren't for the fact we know that soon we will part and who knows what can happen....but really, that reality exist for us all, we just dont realize that until it's too late some times. i don't think that telling him over and over again how you feel will help any infact it will probably just push him away, you already made it clear to him so it's up to him now...but try to make the times you do spend together as enjoyable as possible for the two of you...if he only sees you once a month or whatever and its to hear you whinning and complaining...(and that's NOT to say it's what you do hun)....then he probably won't want to spend a whole lot more time with ya....he is aware of how you feel, and there's nothing else you can do about it so let it go and accept it....or...as Merc & beth said, you can ask for release which i know it's not what you want. btw, i hope you're having a great time with him today [;)] Yeah, i had a great time with him. We always do. You know how it goes. Been trying to grasp the source of it all. Cos i seriously HATE feeling like that and its such and utter contrast to when he is here. think it might be that we miss them so much, that when they're gone we grasp at anything to be mad about? Because when you're mad you tend to miss them less. i dont know what the sub fuzzies are, but i know how i feel when he's around. Which i seriously fought when he got here. i get it from hugging him, or smelling him, or his presense, or his touch. Its like a deep body feeling that starts in your heart and grows to wrap your whole body in it. It fulls fills you, completes you. It washes away everything - the anger, the hurt, the worry, the frustration, everything and all i can feel is love. Strength. Him. its like learning you need something so deeply, so completely, that full fills things inside of you. All you have to do is let go let it surround you and wrap you in it. And i sink into him. He becomes the world. my main focus. With everything i look to him. Ask me a question, i'll look to see his answer. i forget completely about myself. Its all Him. He is EVERYTHING. Hot, cold, happy, headache?, need a drink, hungry, ect. and then as of 10 minutes ago, i stand in the drive way, waving goodbye, trying unsuccessfully to keep the tears in check. Trying to smile anyways, giving a laugh if he says something silly. And now its time to hold on as much as i can to that feeling. Missing him missing him missing him. Remembering again, how to live with out him being the center of the world. Not being able to ask permission to get him a drink, or to smoke a cigeratte, ect ect ect ect. Fighting the wave of saddness that keeps trying to engulf me. He's gone now, and i have to remember how to live with out being complete and fullfilled, wrapped in love, completely focused on him and the needs in me filled. He stayed an extra night with me. And i tried to explain how deeply i miss him. He tries, i try. He gives me things to do while he's gone, he sprays his colognue on my pillows, he leaves his clothes behind, a movie ths time, cheers me up when i cant stop the tears before he goes. Lets me bury myself into him before he has to get ready to leave. i know he cant stay here forever. i know we are working on him moving in. i logically know these things. But it doesnt stop the tears and it doesnt stop that deep sadness that starts washing over me. sometimes i think its just as simple as that. Trying to cope with losing that feeling of fullsillment. Being complete. And being lost without him i do notice that the longer he is gone, the worse it gets. And if anyone understands ANY of this, i so seriously appreciate feedback as it is so utterly and completely strange to feel this way. i've mentioned it in the past and it is still strange. i have no clue how to handle it. Its almost like breaking up with some one you are in love with. The only other time i can remember crying or feeling lost when somebody went "away" for awhile was when i was a kid and my mom would go out of town. So utterly strange. i've lived with some one i was in love with before, they went to england on my birthday to do what i later found out to be the truth. (to sleep with an ex) i was so inlove with this person (about 6 years ago) and i pretty much knew what was going on, yet i felt no where near like this. the irony of it - all this coming from a person who'd HATED the phrase "everybody needs somebody" Cos i used to think it was a load of bunk. Who used to get an arguements with a good friend because they INSISTED that the phrase was true.

Kiaban -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/11/2005 10:47:25 AM)
Here goes my very articulate answer to the complex question: "No"

RiotGirl -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/11/2005 11:04:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kiaban Here goes my very articulate answer to the complex question: "No" ha double ha.

EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/11/2005 11:05:36 AM)
Riot, all that you have described just here is a very normal and common reaction to long distance relationships. They suck. My first master lived 6 hours away and I saw him about one weekend a month. Part of the reason I do NOT like rituals is because they simply magnified the fact that we were not together. It was much easier for me to simply live my life as happily and busily as I could, knowing that was what he wanted me to do. This is unrelated to the issues you presented earlier- the lack of stability, the lack of regularity, the wishy-washy excuses, and an overall undertone of not trusting. We've probably all been there, you're together, you forget the bad stuff, you're just grateful and happy. Then you're gone and it comes back. You can deal with simply being lonely and in a sucky life situation like a long distance relationship. But until you really get to the root of the issues you brought up originally, that's going to undermine any progress you try and make.

RiotGirl -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/11/2005 11:13:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Stunning Yea, my point is that you are a smart girl. Just trust your instincts. Yeah and see i usually do. But i've "trusted" my instincts in the past before. Got into an arguement with a friend over a guy i dated because i SWORE the person would never become abusive. i even went so far as to stop talking to the friend. broke up with a guy i was living with because i felt that he didnt really love me, just the ideal of it all. Trusted my instincts. It wasnt me. (and then all the reasons why i thought it wasnt true, based on some of his actions) Even when he started crying, i thought it was just a manipulation tactic. Though when he ended up in a pool of tears crying on the floor i had second thoughts. But i had shut the feelings of awhile ago. Yet still he calls me when he's drunk, crying telling me he loves me and how much he misses me. He's wrote me and asked for his heart back. There was that other long distance relatinship i was in. Guy never called me, never emailed never contacted me during the week. Didnt think he could possibly really care about me. If he did, how could he forget about me all week long. Wasnt until months and months later when i was in said abusive relationship did i realise my instincts were wrong. All these times that i've turned my back on walked away from ppl, because my instincts told me not to trust, that there was something funny going on. Or the tiimes i stuck it out and ended up screwed. i'm not one to trust my instincts. And really, i just dont want to be wrong again. Because when it comes to trust, or not trusting, when you're wrong, either way you end up screwed.

RiotGirl -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/11/2005 11:21:57 AM)
quote: But until you really get to the root of the issues you brought up originally, that's going to undermine any progress you try and make. so you dont suppose the root could be simply the fact that i miss him so much? Could it be that i'm so aware of small things and that he is inconsistant, he does get wishy washy that it gives me issues. Could it just be insecurity? What is the root? Cos i honestly seriously would attack whatever root there is.

EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/11/2005 11:29:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RiotGirl Could it just be insecurity? What is the root? Cos i honestly seriously would attack whatever root there is. It could just be insecurity, or he really could be unsure of what to do, or it could be both. I don't know either of you or the situation enough to say. That's why you have to decide what is right for you and how far you are willing to accept. Remember what you said just a few days ago: Cos with out love, i doubt i'd still be here Is that still true now? I don't know why you keep putting yourself into relationships that put so much more stress in your life, I don't know why you make things so hard on yourself, and then you beat yourself up for doing it AGAIN which just gets you even more depressed. Are you spending more of your time feeling fulfilled and "right" in this, or feeling distraught and confused? Even if it is just your insecurities, you WILL need to work on that- distance isn't the issue.

Stunning -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/11/2005 2:45:51 PM)
Try really evaluating your feelings. You may be not listening to yourself very well. We have instincts because we sense a lot more subconsciously than we realize. We often subvert our own instincts because of what we want. In what you describe it sounds like you tend to "not trust your instincts" when it's a nice guy and "trust yourself" when the guy is a total asshole. Soounds liek the typical need to "fix" someone knowing it's a disaster before you get into it. Maybe just say fuck it and give the guy who loves you another chance. What's the worst that could happen... he treats you really well? You ever wanted to make someone's dream come true? You could, you know.

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