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RiotGirl -> RE: Too much to ask? (5/12/2005 4:03:34 PM)
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Hey misundersub,
i agree i love everyones responses. Its helped me think alot, as well as everyone i've talked to aside from the thread. In speaking to Master about it one of the things he noted was i open to him for alittle while and then i start to "push" him away.
It prolly is insecurity. Could possibly be that. i think Emerald hit on it awhile ago and i'm going to go back and re read through the thread as i am not all hyped up with emotionalism. Master also made note of a few other things that he would like me to do something about. Which oddly enough, makes me feel great. Something constructive to do that would make him happy, that he wasnt happy with before. Heh, he gave me something to fix i suppose. Which i have been concentrating and working on all day.
My mother has always told me that from babyhood i was insecure. Reasoning to something that happened when i was in the womb. i sometimes do believe it actually. When my mother was pregnant with me, they had no clue when i was to be born, so they did an anmio test. the doctor missed the fluid and hit me. When he was done with the test, i started banging my head into my mothers ribcage continueously (some bone structure), they eventually did a c section on her and i was born with a scab on my wrist. Heh, maybe it grew from there and its just now a massively disgusting issue?
i dont know... maybe i should create a thread about getting over insecurities. = )
i think sometimes that with past experiences this whole experience frightens me to death and the depth of emotion involved i have a hard time handling. i come from a long line of nasty evil ppl. Starting with me being a dumb and naive 14 year old walking blindly out into the world alone. (you can just imagine the types of ppl who wanted to befriend me) Made the conclusion along time ago that people are evil. though i keep trying.
i think it could also be fear, as i was stating. Fear of the unknown.
When i can look at hiim with out anger and hurt going chaotically about inside of me, i can see again how wonderful he is. i can see the other side of the coin.
As for Emerald's question. Is it still true now? Yes it is, but in a different light. There are only two relationships in the past that i have not walked away from. i was in love. Love seems to hold me in place. Whether they were good or bad (and its all perspective), i tend to float along in my merry way. Leaving them behind, really because i just didnt care. i'm a very difficult person to start a serious relationship with (because usually i care not to have one) and very difficult person to keep around. Add any bit of negativity (on mine or theirs) or any issues (mine or theres) and i'm gone. i prefer NOT to deal with the stuff. When i'm inlove, it becomes worth it for me to stick it out and work through whatever negativity or issue that may arise.
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