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RE: finding a new Dom - 5/11/2007 5:15:50 PM

slaveish

Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
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I'm sure it happens. I am equally certain that it doesn't ~always~ happen.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 21

RE: finding a new Dom - 5/12/2007 12:32:45 PM

GeneGG

Posts: 22
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Thank you all for your thoughts ... they were allvery helpful ... Sorry that i didnt get to answer you as quickly as you might have liked ... But i had things to do ... she did need the "basics" because she lead a bit of a sheltered life and didnt know or feel comfortable in how to relate with people ... she has come a long way and W/we are very proud of her ... W/we will sit down with her and make a profile for her and hope that she will find the right Dom for her

(in reply to slaveish)

Post #: 22

RE: finding a new Dom - 5/12/2007 8:12:30 PM

WillowRain

Posts: 191
Joined: 6/18/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

I think training a person for some other unknown person in the future is nonsense and nothing more than manipulation under the guise of "helping" or "teaching".

Maybe they are providing her a safe way to serve in a secure invironment so that she can gain a little confidence in her choices? I could understand that. Giving a submissive a place to take baby steps in learning about themselves could be good.

The recomendations to encourage her to get involved in the local community seem to be a good idea to me. Events can be terrifying at first. The first time I went to a women's night at a local dungeon, I was hyperventilating out in the car in the dark. It took me forever to get my carcass inside, and I knew some of the people that were going to be there. Inviting her to go places with them, where she can meet people in an emotionally safe environment, safer (less anxiety) than her just walking into a group of strangers, also could be kind.

The whole screening thing seems odd to me.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 23

RE: finding a new Dom - 5/12/2007 10:18:12 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Let me guess, she learned to be comfortable playing sexually with the two of you? Oh boy, you guys really know how to put yourself out on a limb with no risks since you were just "training" her.

I guess perhaps "training" in the BDSM world is what vanilla's call "using hard and throwing away" except in training you get the added benefit of getting to play control freak over whatever moron accepts the bullshit screening.

People wonder why I foam at the mouth over this sort of bullshit. I at least have the balls to tell someone, "hey, I want a kinky fuck buddy but am not willing to offer you much of anything in return, interested?"

Edited to ad: Let me guess, she is bigger than you or not as attractive?

< Message edited by SimplyMichael -- 5/12/2007 10:19:18 PM >

(in reply to WillowRain)

Post #: 24

RE: finding a new Dom - 5/12/2007 10:21:23 PM

Totalmaster4you

Posts: 1359
Joined: 6/19/2006
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A few posters have commented negatively regarding my suggestion for screening. How many of you have conversed with a sub/slave(usually a newbi) that has gotten hurt physically and mentally by one of the fake doms online. I am firmly convinced that the idea of a "mentor" advising a newbi will go a long way to keep this from happening to her. They'll go looking for easier prey. In fact it might even discourage them from contacting her at all. That she found a caring couple to ease her into D/s,M/s could be beginners luck and not a predictor of the outcome of future choices.

_____________________________

Sometime ago I decided it was time to change my nic. However I didn't wish to disconnect from my original profile. Since then I've signed Touch your mind (TYM or Tym). Opinions in my posts should be taken as my opinion and my opinion only.

(in reply to WillowRain)

Post #: 25

RE: finding a new Dom - 5/12/2007 11:37:23 PM

curiousexplorer

Posts: 77
Joined: 2/1/2007
Status: offline

Slaveish,
You seem to have a good handle on the subject, I think a few others could use some lessons from you.

"People wonder why I foam at the mouth over this sort of bullshit. I at least have the balls to tell someone, "hey, I want a kinky fuck buddy but am not willing to offer you much of anything in return, interested?" "

I don't think as many people wonder as you might imagine. Have you never heard of friends helping friends out? Or mutually beneficial arrangments? Or encouraging someone to reach their potential, or at least building them up so they can chase that potential?

"How many of you have conversed with a sub/slave(usually a newbi) that has gotten hurt physically and mentally by one of the fake doms online. I am firmly convinced that the idea of a "mentor" advising a newbi will go a long way to keep this from happening to her."

Good point. Which makes one wonder about those who are against the idea?
Why would a confident dominant person be against being screened? Isn't that what the players and wannabes would do? (yes I've read a few threads, profiles and journals)
Also how could a dominant person be so completely unaware of the possible insecurities or bad experiences of a newbie sub? I was under the impression that that level of understanding was a prerequisite for being a dom?
For me a position of power means you have not only the ability, but the resonsibility, to bend down and help others up?

(in reply to Totalmaster4you)

Post #: 26

RE: finding a new Dom - 5/13/2007 6:50:47 AM

WillowRain

Posts: 191
Joined: 6/18/2006
Status: offline

quote:

has gotten hurt physically and mentally by one of the fake doms online.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Totalmaster4you

Now, right there is the crux of a common problem. Looking for something real, in a basically fake and imaginary setting is inherantly a more risky option. Meeting people face to face, saying hello, watching them play with others, sitting at a table and eating nachos with a group as everyone discusses lifestyle, or even vanilla stuff like where to find someone to put a new roof on the house is helpful. The best thing I can think to tell anyone interested in BDSM is to take it out of the realm of fantasy and start meeting and learning rl. Go to classes, munches, dungeons. Go, learn, watch, and meet people.

I personally would not recomend to someone that they search online, ever, certainly not in a way that involves hours of IM's and webcams, typed serves and ridiculous orders from strangers. If someone doesn't want to have coffee with you within a week or two of hellos online then my opinion is that you should move on and find someone that is more interested in a reality based relationship.

However, I do recognize that there are people who have met good matches long distance, etc. It's just my opinion that it is very uncommon. Looking locally within your area would always be my recomendation. Talking to folks who can actually put their hands on you regularly, even if it is just to settle a palm on your shoulder is in my opinion a way to avoid the majority of "bad".

(in reply to Totalmaster4you)

Post #: 27

RE: finding a new Dom - 5/13/2007 7:36:42 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

I firmly believe that if someone is not adult enough, confident enough, and knowledgeable enough to choose her own partner for a relationship then perhaps she needs to rethink the entire searching thing and wait until she is ready to function as an adult. Otherwise in her naivete she is open to any fool who wants to use her, under the guise of "training" and "preparing" her.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Totalmaster4you)

Post #: 28

RE: finding a new Dom - 5/13/2007 7:57:39 AM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

Exactly what I was thinking, Katy. We all get hurt and knocked around in life, that's what lfe's lessons are all about. We're supposed to mature along the way and use those lessons learned from making mistakes to keep from making mistakes again, not remain infantile and flounder around until someone comes along to "rescue" us. Because it's a nice little fairy-tale fantasy to be taken away by the Handsome Prince to live safely in a castle. But what if no one ever comes along? What will poor little subbie do then??? Lay down and die?

It irks me when I hear about the poor little subbie who has to be looked after and taken care of and protected from the big bad world.....ya gotta grow up sometime.

Okay, sure, it's a great set of roles for the willing cast members to play in BDSM land. But please keep it real, don't make it out to be an absolute necessity in the real world, that the poor little subbies HAVE to be protected by the Great Protectors like it's a benefit for all mankind.

< Message edited by windchymes -- 5/13/2007 8:00:04 AM >

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 29

RE: finding a new Dom - 5/13/2007 8:29:24 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Total,

Few people other than in chatrooms every get physically hurt in bdsm.

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 30

RE: finding a new Dom - 5/13/2007 8:32:24 AM

Aileen68

Posts: 6091
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Totalmaster4you

A few posters have commented negatively regarding my suggestion for screening. How many of you have conversed with a sub/slave(usually a newbi) that has gotten hurt physically and mentally by one of the fake doms online. I am firmly convinced that the idea of a "mentor" advising a newbi will go a long way to keep this from happening to her. They'll go looking for easier prey. In fact it might even discourage them from contacting her at all. That she found a caring couple to ease her into D/s,M/s could be beginners luck and not a predictor of the outcome of future choices.

How do you get hurt physically by an online dom?

(in reply to Totalmaster4you)

Post #: 31

RE: finding a new Dom - 5/13/2007 8:32:27 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

It irks me when I hear about the poor little subbie who has to be looked after and taken care of and protected from the big bad world.....ya gotta grow up sometime.

I agree and it perpetuates the thinking that subs needed to be shielded and protected from big bad doms and that they don't have the smarts to deal with their lives. I think it's more ridiculous lifestyle thinking.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 32

RE: finding a new Dom - 5/13/2007 8:36:38 AM

shyinini

Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

I firmly believe that if someone is not adult enough, confident enough, and knowledgeable enough to choose her own partner for a relationship then perhaps she needs to rethink the entire searching thing and wait until she is ready to function as an adult. Otherwise in her naivete she is open to any fool who wants to use her, under the guise of "training" and "preparing" her.

.........empathy......... Is it lost?

I agree 100% with curiousexplorer

A woman, a self admitted newbie, is going through some growing "pains" as she discovers who she is as a submissive. She is a wife, mother, employed and quite old enough AND capable enough to make her OWN decisions... yet she asks a Dom, Domme and myself for guidance.
And yes, we have agreed to help her with "the basics."
The basics include....
1) Framing her own desires, wants, needs.
2) Developing communication confidence in who she is as apposed to falling victim to the asshole who might demand "kneel bitch" or being disrespectful when someone is rude crude or offensive to her.
3) Giving her opportunities to experience different styles of dominance safely and sanely....
      by providing an environment in which to meet different dom/dommes and submissives in a social enviornment (hehehe~ a private munch)
     by directing her towards play scenes with others who are safe and sane, possibly even under the watchful eye of say, my Sir...... ETC.
4) being available to answer her questions
5) being her safe call
6) pointing out great reading material instead of having her wade through all of it
7) sharing the importance of aftercare with her

............ ETC ETC ETC .................

And if she wants to ask any of us to "screen" her email ~ however she wants to do that, its her call ~~ I certainly hope the D type isnt insecure enough to object, knowing he is getting a woman who I know is scared to death to be a "victim"..... becasue we have all had problems finding the partner to our "label."

Those are my thoughts

Edited to add..... one gets "hurt"/"victimized" by online D or s types when they go out to meet a D or s type ~~IN PERSON ~~ and they have "innocently" left out information or inflated info and in that public place decide they need to run or wade and if they wade, is it warm and ...........   we have all been there.

< Message edited by shyinini -- 5/13/2007 8:42:40 AM >

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 33

RE: finding a new Dom - 5/13/2007 8:41:11 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

falling victim to the asshole who might demand "kneel bitch" or being disrespectful when someone is rude crude or offensive to her.

Wow, I don't think you can fall victim to that unless you are stupid or have no understanding of how adults are supposed to approach each other.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to shyinini)

Post #: 34

RE: finding a new Dom - 5/13/2007 8:43:45 AM

amaidiamond

Posts: 1793
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Watford / London
Status: offline

I had freinds that guided me in the lifestyle when I was just starting out, helped me deal with the insecuritys and fears I had and realise that it was "ok" to be this way...

(in reply to shyinini)

Post #: 35

RE: finding a new Dom - 5/13/2007 8:44:52 AM

shyinini

Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

falling victim to the asshole who might demand "kneel bitch" or being disrespectful when someone is rude crude or offensive to her.

Wow, I don't think you can fall victim to that unless you are stupid or have no understanding of how adults are supposed to approach each other.

And some adults DO approach another rather immaturally.....
*********************************************

Edited to add....you go girl ! amaidiamond That's what I mean !!

< Message edited by shyinini -- 5/13/2007 8:48:18 AM >

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 36

RE: finding a new Dom - 5/13/2007 8:59:49 AM

MasterKalif

Posts: 648
Joined: 5/24/2004
Status: offline

I think people need to do whatever works for them. Personally I don't buy the mentor thing completely, and I would dislike having to deal with a mentor in a submissive I would be interested, as it cuts down communication; as her potential Dom you would want to get to know her, her feelings, thoughts, etc. I think however it is ok for submissives to have knowledgeable friends they can come to for questions or concerns before they jump on anything, but the "screening" process should be hers alone. Just my thoughts.

(in reply to shyinini)

Post #: 37

RE: finding a new Dom - 5/13/2007 9:15:39 AM

Nogimmicks

Posts: 38
Joined: 6/15/2006
Status: offline

Nice post Shy. You have made me rethink my previous thoughts on the thread. To my mind, D/s is a very interpersonal thing, someone else cannot prepare someone to be submissive to me. I am not interested in someone else "training" a submissive to live in the environment they prefer. However, what you describe is more of a mentoring process; a way for someone to learn more about themselves and their own needs. I get a sense that you speak of discussion and introduction, that you show the person that there is more to being a sb or dom than sexual play. I do hope that you do not "use" the sub for gratification, but that you simply mentor her (him).

Frankly, I think "training" is just a wrong use of terminolgy. saddly, I find in just about every forum that none of us seems to use the same vernacular term in exactly the same way. I find myself in massive arguments with people regarding "what a slave is" or "what a sub is" or "what training means" or just about any of the terms we all through around without a clear and precise definition. One of the worst examples of this is the question of whther submission is or is not a gift How we define submission and how we define gift are very subjective things. I think there is more agreement on the concept than we realize, we just define the terms differently.

I do have a certain level of ambivalence regarding this practice of having a mentor read interpersonal emails between a submissive and a potential dominant. When I send someone an email, it is intended to be private. If I want something to be read by multiple people, I will post to a forum. Often, in such a relationship, one says things that they want to be confidential, things that a prospective submissive should know about the dom she is talking with but that are nobody else's business. For my part, I do not even publish my photograph in the website, I demand my privacy. Of course, if I were serious about a submissive, I might well send her my picture and a great deal of personal information so she can "check me out". This information is intended for her and her alone, not for some "mentor". Likewise, when we discuss likes and dislikes, I am inclined to say things just to get her reaction, to learn more about her, I don't need her repeating these things to someone else.

On the other hand, I do see a great deal of merit in setting up the first few rt meetings with other people around, so that the submissive knows that the whole thing is for real. A mentor can be of great help in this. So, I have to say that I can see pro's and cons.

Sadly, though, I have to say that I believe the whole "mentoring" process can be abused to a situation where a new submissive is really just "used" by a dominant with no strings attached. Honestly, finding a mentor can be just as dangerous as finding a dominant. In fact, given the likelihood that trust will be built even faster than with a dominant, the danger may even be greater.

(in reply to amaidiamond)

Post #: 38

RE: finding a new Dom - 5/13/2007 9:37:49 AM

shyinini

Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline

Very nice "concerns" Nogimmicks.

I had a D type mentor. He was GREAT!! I wish I had had an s type, but I got through it.... lol

You are correct, I know what I mean by mentor, while another conjures up notions of another sort.

"We," any of the three of us, would NEVER interfer with her mail... I will clarify, for my own sake.... if she wanted to share something and ask how to respond... I would probably give GENERAL guidelines. If she wanted to tell me about him and ask my opinion, I would say, IMHO...... .
That is what I meant by "screen." I really was poor at clarifying that.

I would never betray the trust of anyone by taking unwarranted liberties... and I know neither of the other 2 would. It would be awful on their reputation and they wouldnt do it cause they just couldnt.

My mentor would answer my questions..... tell me about his D/s style... tell me sweet things about his sub .... we spoke as friends.... he was my safe call ... he was the first one to call and ask about me after surgery.... when he divorced his sub then remarried her, he told me..... I asked advice and he would say...now shy, this is only MHO..........

And when I found the one who claimed me (back then) they knew about each other and he backed out of the picture as soon as he knew there was a good bond developing........ it was nice.

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.

(in reply to Nogimmicks)

Post #: 39

RE: finding a new Dom - 5/13/2007 10:03:18 AM

spankmepink11

Posts: 1310
Joined: 9/28/2005
Status: offline

I can't imagine a third party "screening" potential partners for me personally, nor anyone else knowing whats a better "fit" for me...than me. If i couldn't trust myself to choose a partner, then having a partner would be the last thing on my mind.
I think if the OP would like to help their friend , then simply being available to give advice, or opinions, if asked, is the best route to take.

There's nothing wrong with being...or having, a support system. And i believe "mentoring" in the form of guidance in the learning of a particular skill, or directing someone in how to find the information they seek is all very well. (the skill in question might very well be "how to give a better blow job", I've actually gotten repeated requests from a young sub male in ATL to do just that). Others have already stated my thoughts on the ridiculous concept of submissive being synonymous with weak, fragile, and lacking in basic adult common sense, so i won't reiterate.

(in reply to MasterKalif)

Post #: 40

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