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RE: I thought you didn't like me - 5/11/2007 5:55:17 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
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See, I guess that is what surprised me. That someone assumes that there is real emotion that goes beyond the opinions expressed. This is just a forum designed for expressing opinions. I can think that something that someone says is profound or assinine. Heck, I can be adamantly disagreeing with someone on one post and wholeheartedly agreeing with them on another at the same time. I can relate to their words on a personal level or I can be completely baffled by them. But I don't think that I form real opinions about who they are as people or whether I would like or not like them in a face to face social setting, in a friendship or in a relationship....I don't know them.

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Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to PrincessEllie)

Post #: 21

RE: I thought you didn't like me - 5/11/2007 5:57:33 AM

SirDominic

Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

A lot of people are taught that if you disagree with them, it is a form of rejection. That is, I believe, why this girl took away this impression of you. What is odd to me is that if you agree with them 40 times and disagree with them once, that one time has more weight than the other 40. Add to that, a lot of people's egos are fragile to begin with, the impersonal nature of a post on the screen versus an interaction in real life, and someone feels hurt, even though you never intended any such thing.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 22

RE: I thought you didn't like me - 5/11/2007 6:07:59 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

OK I'm going to stop beating about the bush here and name names as an example. Given it sort of came up on another thread.

Focus50.... It is rare we find ourselves in agreement over ANYTHING (The few times we ARE then watch out for low flying pigs) and we have had a number of rather heated exchanges over the months.

But He is a likeable guy... even IF He tends to be 'WRONG' all the time

(He also, contrary to popular opinion, does have a sense of humour... or so I have been told )

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to SirDominic)

Post #: 23

RE: I thought you didn't like me - 5/11/2007 6:14:29 AM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

No. If people don't like me it really makes no difference to me, if people want to get emotional over something as trivial as not liking me, then I would not wish them to be a part of my life - so I never get upset - I just like having the last say

Oh Erin, if you and I got upset everytime we disagreed, we would both be on meds by now! - yet we know how much we both 'love' each other - even though we are so apart.

You can love a person, but not agree with their ideas... how very boring if we all agreed.

Peace and Rapture

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 24

RE: I thought you didn't like me - 5/11/2007 6:35:27 AM

CrazyC

Posts: 949
Joined: 9/28/2006
Status: offline

My best friends and I don't always like each other and disagree sometimes. We accept that diffrences and move on. Everyone has a diffrent perspective, so i expect people to not agree with me here.

It does bother me when people get hurt over a post or get angry, because it makes me wonder why they would want to waist so much energy getting emotional over it. I think some forget that the computer is not a great form of communication. In fact I really don't use it except to have fun. If i am upset or confused, i call the person and we talk. That way i cna hear the tone of voice and truely understand where i am coming from.

_____________________________

"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back." Barbara De Angelis

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Post #: 25

RE: I thought you didn't like me - 5/11/2007 6:44:16 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
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If I posted this the moderator would be all over me.

(in reply to CrazyC)

Post #: 26

RE: I thought you didn't like me - 5/11/2007 7:19:13 AM

Copulo

Posts: 268
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PrincessEllie

I try not to take anything that's said to me on the internet too hard.But sometimes when I'm ganged up on in a thread, I feel hurt and disliked. What can I say, I'm a sub! I don't like people being vexed with me.

Its more a human trait than a submissive one. We all thrive or dysfunction on our emotional state. Most of us care what other people think especially if it comes to a personal insult.
Its not just writing on a screen when it is directed at one person in a condescending manner. That is no different than getting an insulting personal letter through the post. That letter would mean nothing if we didn’t know that person but to an extent we do get to know people on here. You only have to look at online relationships to see just how deep people can go with each other on the written word alone. You only have to look at retaliation towards a bully and suddenly all his/her cyber friends appear from nowhere in support.
Debate is good, but personal insults and put downs are a deliberate ploy to upset someone and that amounts to bullying.

(in reply to PrincessEllie)

Post #: 27

RE: I thought you didn't like me - 5/11/2007 7:27:32 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Some people have a fear of conflict and feel it's a indication of negative emotions towards them (or other people). Having been the peacemaker when I was a kid, I understand this. If someone was angry with me, I took that as serious disapproval and I feared disapproval. Above many things, I craved acceptance. If they were angry with me, it meant they didn't like me and I wanted them to like me because that boosted my self worth. In addition, I'd develop a crush on anyone who was simply NICE to me, ESPECIALLY the men. Yeah, this is/was all wrapped up in my relationship with my dad. Classic Freudian and Jungian stuff.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 28

RE: I thought you didn't like me - 5/11/2007 7:52:59 AM

drawntothedark

Posts: 572
Joined: 10/19/2006
From: Arkansas
Status: offline

It depends on the tone used. If it's simply a differing view on the subject, I don't take it personally. However, if the tone is aggressive then I do take it personally.

BUT this is a public forum so people are bond to not agree.

I try not to take it personally. I can remember one thread where, I seriously got my feelings hurt. I was new here, so now looking back on it I feel kinda silly about letting it effect me. There was one poster who I really thought hated me after that thread. I avoided posting after her at all costs, til it hit me that she was just a person. And after reading some more of her treads I understand it's just her way. She is direct!

Plus so much is lost in the written word. What may seem "snippy" to us may be the furthest thing from snippy. We do not get to see facial expressions, hear tone of voice, or look at body langauage here. All we see is what the person types. Which can convey messages that the poster didn't intend.

(in reply to PrincessEllie)

Post #: 29

RE: I thought you didn't like me - 5/11/2007 8:08:05 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

See, I guess that is what surprised me. That someone assumes that there is real emotion that goes beyond the opinions expressed. This is just a forum designed for expressing opinions. I can think that something that someone says is profound or assinine. Heck, I can be adamantly disagreeing with someone on one post and wholeheartedly agreeing with them on another at the same time. I can relate to their words on a personal level or I can be completely baffled by them. But I don't think that I form real opinions about who they are as people or whether I would like or not like them in a face to face social setting, in a friendship or in a relationship....I don't know them.

I will agree that taking things personally on a message board is probably not the greatest way to go. But humans are emotional creatures - some more than others, some less. I said in my first post that it's all in the way it's presented. You could respond to a post of mine by saying "Wow, not only are you totally wrong, but any idiot who thinks that way takes up valuable oxygen from the rest of us!" Yep, I might think you meant that personally. But whether or not it is personal should not make the difference as to how it effects me. If I am strong and solid in who I am, you can think I'm the biggest piece of crap on CM and I wouldn't much care. If I did, maybe that just means that I've come to like you from the words you share here, and that I'm disappointed you don't see me in the same regard. I don't find that to be a bad thing, actually. It's when people are insecure to the point of needing everyone on a message board to like them where I'd think they need a healthier self esteem. Or heck, maybe they're just really sensitive, and that's ok to a certain degree.

So if someone says, "I thought you didn't like me," perhaps something you said in a post reflected something that appeared of a personal nature to her (I'm talking figuratively now). Or perhaps she was disagreed with so many times, she thought you formed an opinion of her. We've seen post after post with people saying they tend to form opinions about others based on their posts. Don't tell me you (figuratively again) don't chat with your CM friends and comment on who you like and don't like on the forums, based on their views and the way those views are presented. It happens all the time. So as impersonal as we want to say the boards are, they're not. Otherwise, why do we have people laughing together, or touched by another's post to the point of tears, or emphatically disagreeing with a post that hit home for someone. If we all posted monotone to everything, unaffected by each other, how boring would that be? I think the issue is how much value we're placing on each others opinions...

So while I agree that disagreeing with someone does not automatically make something personal, when someone posts an intimate detail about his/her life as many of us have done, yourself included, we run the risk of becoming somewhat vulnerable to those reading, thus affected by their responses. I think it's just human nature, and everyone's reality is subjective to some degree.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 30

RE: I thought you didn't like me - 5/11/2007 8:38:29 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Do you feel that because someone disagrees with you here on collarme that they "don't like you"? Do you think that if someone else's opinion is different it's a personal thing between you and they?

um no... but then I don't assume they like me becuase they agree with me either.

I don't look at these opinions personally... thou many try to make it personal. However, for it to ever become personal for me... I would at the mininum have a personal relationship with the person... and even then it doesn't neccessarily mean it will get personal for me.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 31

RE: I thought you didn't like me - 5/11/2007 8:41:40 AM

mythi

Posts: 257
Joined: 2/25/2007
From: Naples, FL
Status: offline

If someone seemed to be chronicly disagreeing with me just for the sport of it I might investigate further, but I still wouldnt 'care' one way or another if they liked me. In both real life and online, if someone dislikes me without some sort of legitimate reason I generally just shrug and think to myself "what a bitch" and move on without giving the matter (or them) any further thought. lol

_____________________________

“The truth doesn’t change based on our ability to stomach it.”
Flannery O’Connor

(in reply to PrincessEllie)

Post #: 32

RE: I thought you didn't like me - 5/11/2007 8:42:58 AM

cjenny

Posts: 1736
Joined: 11/27/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

A lot of people are taught that if you disagree with them, it is a form of rejection. That is, I believe, why this girl took away this impression of you. What is odd to me is that if you agree with them 40 times and disagree with them once, that one time has more weight than the other 40. Add to that, a lot of people's egos are fragile to begin with, the impersonal nature of a post on the screen versus an interaction in real life, and someone feels hurt, even though you never intended any such thing.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

Oy vey yes. I was taught that very thing, if I were criticized it meant it was personal. Very slowly I am learning to change that reaction (verrryyyy slowlllyyyy lol). Sort of an Uber 'if you cannot say something nice, say nothing at all'. It is frustrating & causes me a lot of mental hassle while I figure out if a negative reply was meant for ME or my WORDS.
Harsh words make me cringe, swearing does that as well. Anger words.. ohboy those really hit me hard.
Aw jeez, I had a lot more to write but my ex is here hahaha.

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*Unless I cite a source it is MO.

~ ssssh. i think i've just found freedom. ~

(in reply to SirDominic)

Post #: 33

RE: I thought you didn't like me - 5/11/2007 8:44:48 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

To be honest I never consider wether someone on here likes me or not. It is too limited of a view of me to acurately determine wether I am likable to anyone.

In addition I love to debate/discuss. I prefer to do it with people that do not have the same thoughts and feelings that I do. How else will it be constructive, and I learn anything. Boring and narrow minded is the person that surrounds themself with only others that think/feel exactly as they do.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 34

RE: I thought you didn't like me - 5/11/2007 8:46:45 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

I have fought tooth and nail with someone in one thread, and flipped to a second where were were on the same side and backing one anotehr up. I dont concern myself with if someone likes me or not. If they get to know me OFF the forums, that s alittle different But on here, I am commenting on the topic, and occasioally debating with the people. It isnt a matter of like and dislike until someone gets personal for no reason.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 35

RE: I thought you didn't like me - 5/11/2007 9:13:22 AM

Copulo

Posts: 268
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline

Drawntothedark

I enjoyed your post and for me it says it all.
Of course we should not worry if someone criticises our opinion, so long as we keep on track then that can lead to a healthy debate.

Sometimes we will look at a reply to our post and read a tone wrongly and like you said, it depends on ones mood and ones vulnerabilities.

Sometimes and I have seen it here a few times, there is an outwardly vindictive post towards someone that rings of a personal note and as much as you look you just can’t see why this person is being picked on.

I hate to see this. I care that someone is being picked on and I hope that if it was me being picked on someone would be good enough to care.

If I said I didn’t care then I would care because I cared enough to want to say and get the message over that I didn’t care! If I really didn’t care I wouldn’t have an iota of interest in this post.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 36

RE: I thought you didn't like me - 5/11/2007 9:19:46 AM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Copulo

If I said I didn’t care then I would care because I cared enough to want to say and get the message over that I didn’t care! If I really didn’t care I wouldn’t have an iota of interest in this post.

Interesting statement. Made me think why I answered the OP.

I do care that it was erin asking the question. If it had been someone else I was not familiar with or close to, I would not have responded simply because the question was not important to me, it was more important who was asking it and I responded because I know erin listens and more importantly hears, even when we disagree.

Peace

(in reply to Copulo)

Post #: 37

RE: I thought you didn't like me - 5/11/2007 9:47:25 AM

NakedGirlScout

Posts: 370
Joined: 1/10/2006
From: Toronto
Status: offline

I find it overly irritating to talk to people who mistake any disagreement, personal or philosophical, as a dislike of them. It's far too difficult to take on the job of coddling someone's fragile ego whom you barely even know. But it's a good idea to re-read a post after having typed it to see if you've said what you really meant. Sometimes passionate opinion comes out as meanness when you never meant it that way.

(in reply to PrincessEllie)

Post #: 38

RE: I thought you didn't like me - 5/11/2007 10:29:52 AM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NakedGirlScout
Sometimes passionate opinion comes out as meanness when you never meant it that way.

I think I might have to use something along the lines as this in my signature because I know for a fact some people get all huffy about things I say & observations I make. I've told many people that passion is a double edged sword... but then again, I might know damn well what I am saying is coming across as mean & not really care whether or not I hurt widdle feewings in the process.

I'm actually really a nice person but ya know.... all of us are completely capable of just laying it all out there when our sniff-o-meter pings the BS alert. This doesn't equate "I don't like you" it just means I don't like what you said or I think you're talking shit.

Even my absolute closest friends in the whole world might be told this by me. We still like each other & I think it is because we can be completely honest with each other & tell each other "I don't agree with you" that we have such a close bond. I mean what good is it to have people always agree with you? I've heard that as being a form of brown-nosing & in my world, if I want someone's nose in my ass, I'll tell them to put it there.

_____________________________

MstrssPassion

(in reply to NakedGirlScout)

Post #: 39

RE: I thought you didn't like me - 5/11/2007 10:52:40 AM

junecleaver

Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline

-fast reply-

It would depend on the tone.

Some people....I think I could decide if I would like them or not in RL based on their posts. Others do not provide enough information for me to make a pre-decision.

I care about everything---a lot. I just have a bunch of energy to expend on the little things as well as the bigger things. How particular I am about cleaning my room/making my bed can come across as strongly as how cautiously I choose a career. If someone disagreed with me, I wouldn't take it 'personally.' However if it got personal, it would probably bother me. Perhaps I am a freak for caring about people over the internet? If someone was mean to me over the internet, I wouldn't burst into tears, but there is that tiny bit of sadness that someone out there felt like trying to throw that negative energy my way.

_____________________________

"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to MstrssPassion)

Post #: 40

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