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RE: Difficult to find - 5/12/2005 11:40:47 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
imagine the challenge that exists for a woman who is single and wants a *relationship* with a man who is single (not married), sincere about his desires (not just a fetishist), not just exploring "BDSM" as a new way to try to get sex, socially and emotionally balanced and employed. Basically, all the things a single woman would want in a mate, a boyfriend, a best friend, love and soul mate -- AND a submissive.

It's harder than it sounds!
Akasha

Oh is it ever hard... Gets discouraging and makes one question self, especially after chatting/emailing/speaking to dozens if not hundreds of men who call selves submissive... Major pain in the arse really. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 21

RE: Difficult to find - 5/12/2005 11:59:15 PM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
imagine the challenge that exists for a woman who is single and wants a *relationship* with a man who is single (not married), sincere about his desires (not just a fetishist), not just exploring "BDSM" as a new way to try to get sex, socially and emotionally balanced and employed. Basically, all the things a single woman would want in a mate, a boyfriend, a best friend, love and soul mate -- AND a submissive.

It's harder than it sounds!
Akasha

Oh is it ever hard... Gets discouraging and makes one question self, especially after chatting/emailing/speaking to dozens if not hundreds of men who call selves submissive... Major pain in the arse really. M

I know this might get me boo'd right out of collarme -- but one piece of advice I do give frustrated femdoms is this:

CONVERT A VANILLA!

I had far more success finding and dating nice guys, nice normal vanilla men and then "seducing" them into the role of submissive for me. This only worked for me because my desires arer such that they do not rule the entire relationship -- I didn't need a 24/7 submissive. And, because my fetishes/kinks themselves can be somewhat flexible as long as I know the man is submitting for me -- with all of his heart, and through fear, suffering, surrender, etc.

For example, I never needed a man that could endure 100 whacks of a paddle, 4 doses of strap on play a week, 872 minutes of face sitting a month or a simple "bleed for me." My desires are more about "a man submitting to act(s) he finds terrifying or difficult but does them to please me." However, BONDAGE is/was a non negotiable; if I was with a vanilla man that said, "Sure I think I can handle kinky..but you can never tie me up" then it would not work. The same with gags or breath control (roleplay/lightplay). Pretty much my other kinks I can be flexible about...as long as he accepted that I had those desires.

Most vanilla guys are willing to give it a try, and if they are into their woman are more than happy to try to please her, no matter what it takes. If by nature he is not selfish in bed, he will be eager to please and try, even if the acts seem foreign or scary to him.

In my 20s I often found it was easier to "talk a vanilla guy into it" than "shut up a submissive who keeps begging for more and more of it his way". And, less manipulation from the vanillas since they had no kinky agenda.

Akasha

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(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Post #: 22

RE: Difficult to find - 5/13/2005 12:32:32 AM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
CONVERT A VANILLA!

I had far more success finding and dating nice guys, nice normal vanilla men and then "seducing" them into the role of submissive for me. This only worked for me because my desires arer such that they do not rule the entire relationship -- I didn't need a 24/7 submissive. And, because my fetishes/kinks themselves can be somewhat flexible as long as I know the man is submitting for me -- with all of his heart, and through fear, suffering, surrender, etc.
Akasha

I understand it's good advice, and am open to running into a flexible man I can convert; though I really like strap on play, and most men I've known would be completely closed to that idea... Than again most men I've known weren't right for me or I'd still be with them.. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 23

RE: Difficult to find - 5/13/2005 6:16:08 AM

onceburned

Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
I know this might get me boo'd right out of collarme -- but one piece of advice I do give frustrated femdoms is this: CONVERT A VANILLA!

oh, boo!

Recruiting outsiders? The last thing male subs need is more competition.

<sigh> But if it works.... well, who can argue with success?

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 24

RE: Difficult to find - 5/13/2005 7:31:27 AM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
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I'm not looking for a relationship. I actually have the opposite problem that I don't want to own a boy and they all want me to own them.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to Mstylady)

Post #: 25

RE: Difficult to find - 5/13/2005 7:32:06 AM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

I know this might get me boo'd right out of collarme -- but one piece of advice I do give frustrated femdoms is this:

CONVERT A VANILLA!

I do this all the time too. Much fun! Much challenge!

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 26

RE: Difficult to find - 5/13/2005 10:36:33 AM

SweetDommes

Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: onceburned

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
I know this might get me boo'd right out of collarme -- but one piece of advice I do give frustrated femdoms is this: CONVERT A VANILLA!

oh, boo!

Recruiting outsiders? The last thing male subs need is more competition.

<sigh> But if it works.... well, who can argue with success?

Don't worry Chris, not all of us can do this. There are very few 'vanilla's out there that we have run across who saw anything past the fact that we were a f/f couple ... in fact, one of them thought that he could Top us ...

We'll stick to looking in the community, and hoping to find the right one eventually ...

(in reply to onceburned)

Post #: 27

RE: Difficult to find - 5/13/2005 1:55:35 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
I'm not looking for a relationship. I actually have the opposite problem that I don't want to own a boy and they all want me to own them.
- LA

Not looking for a relationship makes this a non problem because I don't know a single domina hurting for boys to play with...
I'd have men lined up for days if I were uninterested in connections beyond kinky play... In fact I have people I can call on for play, but that leaves me dissatisfied, so I don't. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 28

RE: Difficult to find - 5/13/2005 2:22:45 PM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
I'm not looking for a relationship. I actually have the opposite problem that I don't want to own a boy and they all want me to own them.
- LA

Not looking for a relationship makes this a non problem because I don't know a single domina hurting for boys to play with...
I'd have men lined up for days if I were uninterested in connections beyond kinky play... In fact I have people I can call on for play, but that leaves me dissatisfied, so I don't. M

Oh but I am interested in connections beyond kinky play... I am just not looking for a relationship. It's not so black & white. I live in the greyscale ;)

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Post #: 29

RE: Difficult to find - 5/13/2005 2:48:37 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
Oh but I am interested in connections beyond kinky play... I am just not looking for a relationship. It's not so black & white. I live in the greyscale ;)
- LA

I hear you saying there is a way to have a deep connection without a relationship and believe you, but it's just not something I've ever completely understood... I'm kind of concrete that way, if it isn't a relationship, it's just physical play, and not enough for moi. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 30

RE: Difficult to find - 5/13/2005 4:01:42 PM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
Oh but I am interested in connections beyond kinky play... I am just not looking for a relationship. It's not so black & white. I live in the greyscale ;)
- LA

I hear you saying there is a way to have a deep connection without a relationship and believe you, but it's just not something I've ever completely understood... I'm kind of concrete that way, if it isn't a relationship, it's just physical play, and not enough for moi. M

I understand. We all come at this with different perspectives and experiences. I truly hope that we all find the kind of dynamics we are searching for.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Post #: 31

RE: Difficult to find - 5/14/2005 9:22:31 AM

anthrosub

Posts: 843
Joined: 6/2/2004
Status: offline

Ironically, it's heartening to see a thread from a Domme expressing frustration in finding a good mate for a change. Because there are so many "submissive" posters (real and imagined) it's no wonder there are so many threads from them and their frustrations.

From my in-person discussions and time spent online, I've come to realize that out of the sea of people in touch with this lifestyle there are only a fraction that are actually sincere and self-aware. It also appears the vast majority are caught up in their preconceptions or seduced by their own passions and this has them transfixed. They will never meet the right person because nobody lives the way these people are imagining the lifestyle to be.

Trying to find a mate through the "lens" of BDSM is a serious mistake (unless all you're looking for is playtime or clients). Collarme is a great resource for information and questions about the lifestyle but when it comes to contacting each other in hopes of finding a partner, I think people should set the BDSM aspect aside and deal with each other simply as two human beings and establish themselves accordingly, then bring in the BDSM discussion when appropriate.

I can't count how many times I've been contacted by a "Domme" and once we start talking on the phone, it becomes painfully obvious she's living in a fantasy world and none of her attention is on the dynamics that make a relationship happen or viable. I've also gone through two vanilla relationships in the past year where I tried to introduce the concept of this lifestyle but received a very cool response.

It's not easy and more than likely never going to happen in my opinion. But then again, all it takes is meeting that one person...so I keep the faith so to speak.

anthrosub

_____________________________

"It is easier to fool people than it is to convince them they have been fooled." - Mark Twain

"I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 32

RE: Difficult to find - 5/16/2005 3:16:18 AM

MistrezzAzrael

Posts: 2
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline

I have found a lot of fakes here and on alt. so be careful. ask them to call You or view their webcam. beleive Me, I'm very frustrated w/ finding just a play partner. just don't give up hope.

Sadistacally Yours,
Mistrezz Azrael

Attachment (1)

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Post #: 33

RE: Difficult to find - 5/16/2005 3:32:49 AM

kc692

Posts: 3701
Joined: 3/24/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: siamsa24

Yes, yes I did. But that doesn't mean that people get to see my boobies

And I guess I can't complain too much, I love playing with the trolls so when I get stupid emails I just play with the sender until they get fed up and leave, lol

Maybe the gift giver is just hoping you will decide to take a new pose with you frontally facing the camera!!!!!Good for you on getting it, maybe shoes are next!!!!!lol

(in reply to siamsa24)

Post #: 34

RE: Difficult to find - 5/17/2005 6:46:58 AM

diaperedbaby

Posts: 158
Joined: 3/13/2005
Status: offline

You are right in that many aren't too genuine. But a few are.
For me personally, I would prefer a relationship to just paying someone.
A relationship first, and then anything else, later.
I am upfront with my interests but find many are not.
That is ok, one has to be patient to find the right one.

(in reply to kc692)

Post #: 35

RE: Difficult to find - 5/17/2005 7:39:21 AM

AddictiveGoddess

Posts: 4
Joined: 9/23/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I often found it was easier to "talk a vanilla guy into it" than "shut up a submissive who keeps begging for more and more of it his way".

I have to agree , unfortunately I always find my best slaves outside any bdsm or s/m comunity , just in normal life . And they are easier to form after my own wish as well , as they are not formed allredy by internet and porn industry . I care much of thouse , they give me what I love so much , the reality of man surrendering to his Woman/Owner . It does not have to be called anything like slavery , or bdsm , it just need to give this powerfull feeling.
And no , I am not enjoying vanilla , and dont collect bf's either , only slaves ;)

< Message edited by AddictiveGoddess -- 5/17/2005 7:52:26 AM >

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 36

RE: Difficult to find - 5/17/2005 5:30:37 PM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I have found a lot of fakes here and on alt. so be careful.

Funny, all the people that I have gotten to an in person meeting with thus far have been very genuine. I wonder why so many people can't filter out a player early on...

I'm not being snipy. I'm actually curious.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to MistrezzAzrael)

Post #: 37

RE: Difficult to find - 5/17/2005 6:08:24 PM

AddictiveGoddess

Posts: 4
Joined: 9/23/2004
Status: offline

I have the same experience , many of fakes , players and jokers around .. and I do filter , maybe way to much and quickly , I am picky like hell .. and ofcourse I did meet genuine souls in person ..
and many of that genuine kind was formed alredy by someone/something, way that dont match my reality and my needs .
So even with my strong filter on , summary is : the best slaves I personaly ever had , was more often found outside any bdsm world , by coincidence even .
Its probably also the fact that I find it more challenging anf fun to form and create something after my idea , then reform someone elses.

< Message edited by AddictiveGoddess -- 5/17/2005 6:12:44 PM >

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 38

RE: Difficult to find - 5/17/2005 6:29:30 PM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

the best slaves I personaly ever had , was more often found outside any bdsm world , by coincidence even .
Its probably also the fact that I find it more challenging anf fun to form and create something after my idea , then reform someone elses.

I actually agree with you on this. I have always enjoyed men with submissive tendancies that were not *lifestyle* subs. But that's me.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to AddictiveGoddess)

Post #: 39

RE: Difficult to find - 7/15/2005 11:51:57 PM

lonewolf05

Posts: 830
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline

from what i am seeing here....even "I" do not qualify...because...."I" am NOT interested IN a relationship.

i do not want sex.
i do not want...play.
i DO want merely............to be a service slave....period!
no love romance, no involvement what so ever....i hate "ties" to any ONE or any PLACE!
i like my celebacy and i like being platonic.

but that is just ME.

the wolf

_____________________________

"there is no gravity, life sucks!"

(in reply to Mstylady)

Post #: 40

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