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When love gets in the way. - 5/22/2007 4:38:26 AM

subsnow

Posts: 152
Joined: 11/26/2006
Status: offline

There have probably been hundreds of threads started on this already but another one can't hurt.

i am completely in love with my Dom. He is my everything. i wouldn't leave Him for anything. i'm having a problem though. The D/s dynamic of O/our relationship is disappearing and being replaced by a vanilla relationship. It's a very happy vanilla relationship but i am seriously craving that dominance and BDSM. my Dom still controls certain things but usually they are things that will make His life easier at the present time. For example, He will ask me to go to the store for Him or do His laundry or give Him a massage. i love doing these things but i feel like there should be more. i guess He can take control of as much as He wants being the Dom and all but where is the line? How much control does it take to be called a Dom? With the way things are right now, i feel like i'm living with a parent rather than a Dom because even the BDSM has disappeared. There is some playful spanking and hair pulling but that seems so vanilla to me. i am craving more. A lot of people would say that W/we might just be incompatible but that's not the case here. He wants the same thing as i do but He just isn't taking the control. i understand why. His job is very stressful and He works a lot so when W/we see each other on the weekends, He wants to relax, not worry about punishments and rewards and working out scenes. my service to Him makes His weekends more relaxing and stress free. He has the right to do that too as a Dom, but again, where is the line? i don't want to leave Him because i love Him.

What have others done in a situation like this and how much control does someone need to take to be called a Dom?

(Some background: W/we live together but He travels for His job during the week. W/we only see each other on the weekends. W/we've been together for 5 months but W/we love each other. W/we feel like soul mates. W/we have great communication and i talk to Him about everything. i sent Him a message about this very problem last night and am eagerly awaiting His response.)

Post #: 1

RE: When love gets in the way. - 5/22/2007 4:45:02 AM

ennaozzie

Posts: 201
Joined: 5/9/2007
Status: offline

Wow that is a tough one for ya, all i can think of is talking to him. And that is not much help, i think talking is inportant but i think a few other ideas thrown in along with that would be more of a benifit to you, hope the people here can come up with a few sugestions for you.

beanie

_____________________________

Never make someone your priority when you are only their option

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(in reply to subsnow)

Post #: 2

RE: When love gets in the way. - 5/22/2007 5:06:20 AM

canupleaseme

Posts: 775
Joined: 7/9/2006
Status: offline

I worry sometimes that this will happen one day when me and my boy have more time together and have finished being all new and loved up !! Sometimes after the honeymoon period it is a bit flat and it makes you panicky becasue things werent like ther had been. I reakon its because at the start of relationships people do tend to make a bigger effort and make more time for play and thiings, and when you have been playing the scenes and doing the things a lot that make you buzz and happy when they start to slow down its like

woah whats happening.
Your partner may just being going through a really stressful time and not have the energy, it could be that because everything is so perfect for you both that things have just relaxed because your both so content many things could be casuing it you need to ask him :)
Its great that you are communicating so much, you just have to say everything that your feeling I think and tell him your concerns. Maybe ask if you may plan a weekend for him and plan things in it that would cover both of your needs.
Dont let this go without talking about it all because it sounds like you have found a wonderful thing and if your a perfect fit then you should be able to deal with each problem that comes your way together.
Honestly my boy would tell you I'm constantly at him talking through things and I always tell him if something worries me or makes me feel uneasy and we talk it out and the same with him.
If you do a journal maybe you could write in there when you have wished to be punished or felt you needed something . You have to be happy too or your partner wont be either I hope you manage to work something out

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(in reply to ennaozzie)

Post #: 3

RE: When love gets in the way. - 5/22/2007 5:15:20 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

I would actualy suggest waiting it out. You have only been together 5 months. When a job gets stressful, it can put undo pressure on a relationship. Talk to him about it, yes, but understand that right now he may not want to put the effort into scenes and extreme play until things at work cool off. If you are his, and your relationship is solid, then he needs to take very little control to be your Dom. AS a Dominant, I know I do not have to be controlling or sceneing with my boys to be their Domme at all times. Angel is in a situation much like your Dom seems to be. We do not see one another almost at all. HE has school, and with school and the stresses of school he has been not only unavailable, but extremely un-submissive. Even the few times we have been together, we did not play and he did not really act like the perfect little pet he had always been. Not becasue things are changing with us, but becasue the stress on him elsewhere is making things too hard. When he is finaly around me, he just wants to be himself, and he is confident enough in our relationship together that he doesnt worry that acting like a vanilla friend (while never quite an equal) isnt going to wreck it on the short term. The more important part is discusing the return to what you want and need after the stressful situation is either dealt with, or acclimated to. Stress can be a problem in the short term, but you both cant let it be one long term.

Hope that helps
DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

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VampiresLair

(in reply to canupleaseme)

Post #: 4

RE: When love gets in the way. - 5/22/2007 5:28:37 AM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

You serve him weekends? He does not desire to punish you because of tiredness - and you follow his desire. That sounds like dominance and submission to me.

Maybe you have a slightly blurred idea what submission is?

Is the problem more that you are not scening and having sexual contact in a BDSM context (bondage, caging, etc...) that you are finding hard to deal with?

I agree and say wait for him to respond. You have communicated your struggle - and as long as you have communicated what you feel you have lost, then only waiting can now be the only option for now.

Your relationship is new and probably the 'frenzy' has lifted a little... this can be a difficult time. Just give yourselves a chance to get to know your relationship as it now exists.

Peace

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.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to subsnow)

Post #: 5

RE: When love gets in the way. - 5/22/2007 5:33:29 AM

Rayne58

Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline

My Dom and I love each other very much too. Because of His health there are lots of times when we are unable to do much in the way of play. However my service in looking after Him is valued and appreciated.

I am not "controlled" as such. After more than 3 years together I know what is expected of me and I just do it. Small caresses, hair pulls and an affectionate "my slut" help keep the dynamic in the forefront when He is ill (like right now He has the flu and is feeling rotten, and He will not let me kiss Him lest I catch His bugs).

Perhaps you could plan a weekend of "service" to your Dom. Run him a bubble bath, pamper him, cook his favourite meal. He may see fit to reward you with some of what you are craving, if he is relaxed and stress free

(in reply to subsnow)

Post #: 6

RE: When love gets in the way. - 5/22/2007 5:42:11 AM

dawntreader

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline

Greetings subsnow,

i most certainly agree with darkinshadows here. With the time available to you in your week, explore your submission within, get to know yourself, discover ways to serve that might bring out more of the Dominant in him...there are so many paths of submission - you need to find yours. And ofcourse, communicate with your Dominant, that cannot be stressed enough~

_____________________________

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Flobots

(in reply to subsnow)

Post #: 7

RE: When love gets in the way. - 5/22/2007 6:05:37 AM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subsnow

There have probably been hundreds of threads started on this already but another one can't hurt.

i am completely in love with my Dom. He is my everything. i wouldn't leave Him for anything. i'm having a problem though. The D/s dynamic of O/our relationship is disappearing and being replaced by a vanilla relationship. It's a very happy vanilla relationship but i am seriously craving that dominance and BDSM. my Dom still controls certain things but usually they are things that will make His life easier at the present time. For example, He will ask me to go to the store for Him or do His laundry or give Him a massage. i love doing these things but i feel like there should be more.

What is the more that you expect?

To me it sounds like a D/s relationship, but it sounds like you are looking for some additional BDSM as well as overt dominance/control in a way that motivates you (sometimes also called cookies).

C~

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to subsnow)

Post #: 8

RE: When love gets in the way. - 5/22/2007 7:22:47 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Agree with Fleurs.

Next time you chill during dinner, open a talk about it. Say that you want to be happy and would like to try to work more to have scenes during the week. Ask what he feels is reasonable. Make a date night for once a week.

Sometimes when life stuff comes up, it CAN be easy to shuffle the fun/stuff that takes lots of time and energy into the closet- even if that's the stuff we love the most to do at nights! It takes conscious effort and agreement to not put it off.

I'm not saying it should always be work or a check mark on your to do list for the day. But, at least occasionally, it's completely normal to have to remind yourselves to take CARE of yourselves and do some fun stuff.

Whatever you do, don't whine and blame.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Wildfleurs)

Post #: 9

RE: When love gets in the way. - 5/22/2007 7:36:25 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

My mother's advice: ask yourself two questions. Would you miss him if he were gone? Is being in the relationship healthy for you? If the answer to either of these is no, you need to consider leaving the relationship.

However, if not, then you 1) need to talk to your partner and 2) decide how much you're willing to pay in order to have the relationship. Payment might come in the form of putting aside your desires. Can you do that? Long term? If not, again, the relationship might need to be reevaluated.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
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(in reply to subsnow)

Post #: 10

RE: When love gets in the way. - 5/22/2007 7:51:40 AM

Faramir

Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

My mother's advice: ask yourself two questions. Would you miss him if he were gone? Is being in the relationship healthy for you? If the answer to either of these is no, you need to consider leaving the relationship.

However, if not, then you 1) need to talk to your partner and 2) decide how much you're willing to pay in order to have the relationship. Payment might come in the form of putting aside your desires. Can you do that? Long term? If not, again, the relationship might need to be reevaluated.

Master Fire

Did you even bother to read her post? She isn't asking about whether to stay in the relationship, she is very clear about loving this guy and asking for suggestions to help make things better.

You can write any damn nasty thing you want, but what a gratuitous bit of undermining.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 11

RE: When love gets in the way. - 5/22/2007 8:02:50 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I posted a thread about change I thought you maybe interested in a while back. There were many interesting replies to it

http://www.collarchat.com/m_738712/mpage_1/key_change/tm.htm#738712

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to subsnow)

Post #: 12

RE: When love gets in the way. - 5/22/2007 8:07:57 AM

Faramir

Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline

ella,
I don't know why as a couple you're not having more BDSM action in your relationship, but I doubt it's "love." Love brings us closer together, and enriches our relationship, and it has been my experience and observation that people who have D/s relationships as their native mode grow in that D/s dynamic as they love. You know, your letter sounds like about 800 million vanilla letters to like Dear Abbey: "I love my SO, but things have cooled down sexually for us. I know he's under a lot of stress at work, but I miss our old sex life. Any advice?"

I doubt this is BDSM specific, and more like "relationship issue" in general. I think going to your love, and telling him ow you feel in a sincere, loving and non-confrontational manner was a great idea and the est thing you could do.

I'll add a thought from a male perspective. When I'm stressed out, I do more of the stuff that de-stresses me. I have a higher sex-drive, I work out more and more intensely, when I am stressed. When I am stressed, I need those things to blow off stress. That's just my experience, take it for what it's worth. Good luck to you both.

(in reply to Faramir)

Post #: 13

RE: When love gets in the way. - 5/22/2007 8:08:26 AM

jauntyone

Posts: 543
Joined: 2/27/2007
From: Anchorage Alaska
Status: offline

Greetings

Master does not tie me up, he does not use toys on me, he does not use force on me, we do not go to clubs or munches.

I guess that I don't understand where you are saying that the D/s dynamic is gone from yours? Unless you rely on the play aspects to keep your relationship going?

I would only suggest trying to talk with him. Let him know that you need more play in the relationship. Communicate to him that you are not happy.

I wish you well

melissa

(in reply to subsnow)

Post #: 14

RE: When love gets in the way. - 5/22/2007 8:38:55 AM

subsfaith

Posts: 297
Joined: 11/21/2006
Status: offline

Hello and respect to you subsnow,

I completely understand where you are coming from on this, you are craving more demostrative D/s from your Lord (been ther and felt that myself). However you appear to be blaming him and questioning his assumed status of dom? That I cannot figure.

You state your Sir does have a stressful job and that you only get weekends together, this adds up to a really busy lifestyle both during the week and weekends and I am pretty sure that landing all the blame on his doorstep isn't helping the situation.

quote:

he just isn't taking control

by the sounds of things he is doing what he wants, getting you to do what he wants, so therefore he IS in control.

quote:

He wants to relax, not worry about punishments and rewards and working out scenes. my service to Him makes His weekends more relaxing and stress free.

You know what he wants on a weekend so how about you concentrate on your bahaviour, removing the need for punishment and maybe it will please him to the point where he more than ravishes/beats(delete appropriately) you .

quote:

He has the right to do that too as a Dom, but again, where is the line?

You are right again, he does have the right....... but where is the line... WHAT line? The line that you decide whether you can put up with his (in your eyes) lack of dominance? Only you can decide that.

From a different perspective, how about you place his needs before your own wants, because, without wanting to sound harsh, your OP sounds very much me, me, me. A D/s relationship is generally (in my opinion) more challenging than a vanilla relationship. This was never going to be an easy path for any of us, it never is being taken out of our comfort zones and having limits and boundaries tested. As the submissive part it is your role to adapt more to his behaviour than him to yours. What you are experiencing now is probably (again in my opinion) a good representation of his behaviour, can you live with it, does this fall within your line of accepatable patterns of behaviour....?

Having said that, you have said

quote:

i wouldn't leave Him for anything

so that established, maybe now is a time to think about pro-active ways in which you can change to accept his behaviour rather than complain about it. Simple case of put up and shut up, or deal with it and move on.

Additionally, as another poster quite rightly pointed out, you have been together for a very short space of time. Five months is nothing and you already live together. A relationship is like a house, you start by digging a hole you set firm and strong foundations that will carry the house, then you build the house before placing a roof on top. Complete the processes in order and you have a house, like a relationship, that can last a lifetime, miss a step and there will be untold problems and ongoing remedial work to correct the mistakes you have made. In the grand scheme of things, it appears to me you have dug a whole and then started to build your house. The rest of your life will not evolve around overt displays of his dominance or your submission nor will you progress as a person if that is all you have. So in a sensible world we learn to walk before we can run, we work hard for five days a week so we can rest and play for two, when we really want to play for longer. Whilst I know these things are important in your life, just as they are in mine, they have to be in proportion to life.

Wishing you luck and wisdom.
Faith

:: smiles ::

(in reply to subsnow)

Post #: 15

RE: When love gets in the way. - 5/22/2007 8:53:37 AM

ProlificNeeds

Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline

Even vanilla couples who have been together for awhile experience this problem. Life seems to take over and put your electrified emotions and passions on a backburner. The two of you can work to put it back however. Try coming up with ideas and ways to help your Dom relax, and reenergize when he first comes home, food, massage, and makign sure there's plenty of temptation for his appetite laying around, could probably help him feel more inclined. Doing a great deal of the prep work for a session yourself, could work wonders.

Example: When he first returns from his work week, lavish him with attention if he likes that, provide him with a favorite meal, perhaps a movie of his choice to watch while you give him a massage, ask him to take a soak even for a bit, and offer a lingam massage before bed. Make sure his sleep is the most comfortable and restful he can get. A single night of relaxation and a good sleep free of stress can work wonders on returning energy. The next day you might offer to bind yourself up for him to merely look at, if he has no other pressing tasks for you. More often than not, some provocative and unexpectant displays for HIS pleasure, could rouse him to take it a step further if all he's got to do is reach for the flogger you 'convieniently' left laying around.

I am by no means saying you should try to influence his actions, topping from the bottom can be one of the most subversive and disrespectful things ever. Yet at the same time, making the options available to him with ease, should not be. If it's -his- favorite passtimes you're offering, at the least, he should be pleased you make the effort to help him enjoy himself. Sometimes if you ask 'what would you like' you may get the response 'to just relax'. He's tired he doesn't want to think or plan anything at the time and let his mind rest. That doesn't mean you can't take the initiative, and with great care, try to anticipate his needs. The catch here is, anticipating HIS needs, not your own. The lack of play, which he must have enjoyed before, is due to a problem he is having, fatigue, or other conflicts in his routine perhaps. If it is appropriate within your relationship, try to help him with this problem, is he unhappy witht he way things are, would he like to revert back to old routines? Discussing with him is the only way to know how to best address the problem, and find a way that both your wants and his can be met.

(in reply to jauntyone)

Post #: 16

RE: When love gets in the way. - 5/22/2007 9:06:49 AM

slaveish

Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline

Fast Reply

Do little things that make it seem more (~shudder~) Lifestyle-ish to you. When you have down time, do formal ritual if you like it, revisit protocols, set aside time (like a date) to do the stuff you miss doing. Explain it to him. Ask him if he is agreeable to it. If so, yahoo! It's not living the stuff you miss 24/7 but at least it's something to look forward to. And enjoy the vanilla part of your relationship - the normal everyday compatibility stuff is what makes relationships work in the long-term.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to ProlificNeeds)

Post #: 17

RE: When love gets in the way. - 5/22/2007 9:06:57 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

Sounds like his job is creating a lot of stress.

You may have to be the more active partner here when you want to do SM or a scene. That doesn't in my opinion change your Ds dynamic but is another way you can serve by setting things up -- get out the toys, set the mood, make sure he has no chores at home to add to his work stress.

But you know this an issue you can only really work out with him. I'm just saying you will have to take on a more active role to get more SM and bondage into your life as long as he has a stressful job that requires him to travel so much.

It is a myth that men are "good to go" no matter what. Stress and mundane matters do affect their interests in sex, kink, and everything else.

< Message edited by thetammyjo -- 5/22/2007 9:08:19 AM >

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(in reply to subsnow)

Post #: 18

RE: When love gets in the way. - 5/22/2007 9:13:26 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

I think maybe your expectations are a little high. Fantasy vs. reality. Reality is that he travels and works and is most likely quite tired on the weekends. But, you still expect him to be in BDSM mode 24/7/365?

You're somehow under the impression that a BDSM D/s realtionship is in BDSM mode 24/7. It's not. It's not even remotely possible. The real world exists and we have roles in it. Most BDSM D/s realtionships I know operate like a 1950's marriage. There's an undertone of dominance and subserviance, but not outright BDSM. A large chunk of our lives are vanilla, out of neccesity.

You're also confusing D/s with BDSM. He is being Dominant. He's behaving as the head of the household. What you're kvetching about is BDSM. You want physical play. There are some D/s couples that never engage in BDSM and what you're talking about is the ideal for their relationship. So what you're talking about has nothing to do with "How much control does a Dom need to take to be called a Dom".

So for advice that I would give you:

1) You need to examine your expectations for this relationship to see if they're reasonable or even doable.

2) You need to sit down, talk to him and explain that you'd like to request more physical play.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 5/22/2007 9:15:23 AM >

_____________________________

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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to ProlificNeeds)

Post #: 19

RE: When love gets in the way. - 5/22/2007 9:21:18 AM

MistressKay

Posts: 51
Joined: 9/6/2004
Status: offline

I have heard similar tales of D/s love going vanilla... and actually that seems to be the norm. When we don't apply creative energy to a relationship it tends to just flow along slowly till it finally begins to stagnate and loose it's luster. It's important that both continue contributing to that relationship to keep both happy and feeling the passion of what drew you together in the first place.

Here are a few suggestions:

Create rituals that will help keep both of you firmly anchored in the roles you desire to keep alive in the relationship.

For example, when he enters the room you kneel before him reciting afirmation words of submission to him like: "I lay myself before my Master, willing and eager to do his bidding. Welcome home, how may I serve you Sir?" then follow this up by removing his shoes or some other act of welcoming him home.

Another example would be that when you are out in public you are not allowed to open doors, you must wait for your master to open them as a reminder that you go where he leads and not the other way around. Small things like this will help keep the D/s in the forefront of your relationship.

Setting aside play time is also an essential element of keeping the relationship on track if D/s is an important part you want to keep alive. Perhaps preparing the play space to his preferences is something else you can do.

Or when giving massages do it wearing only his collar or chains... any visual that will keep you feeling vunerable yet secure in your submission to him is a good thing.

One last note 24/7 dominance can eventually become a burden if the dominant is left making every decision without ever getting a break - discover what you are good at and take responsibility for those activities but do them to his satisfaction knowing that each task you take frees him to enjoy more time with you.

Being a dominant is hard work because we are expected to control so much and actions must be initiate by us each time... we will have days when we are tired and it's important that we get what we need without having to command it.

I hope this helps,

Lady Kay

(in reply to subsnow)

Post #: 20

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