MaamJay
Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
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In one sense, you almost want to get His permission to "top from the bottom"! By that, I mean He can give you permission to be the proactive one in terms of setting up scenes. There's no magic book that says that has to be entirely the Dom's role, although that's how it's often interpreted. It can take a lot of physical and mental effort to plan and execute a scene effectively, and He's obviously tired after working and travelling. He may be more than happy to delegate some of that effort to you. He seems to be opportunist in terms of swatting an ass that's presented to Him, so I guess you need His permission to create more opportunities. I would urge you to discuss this with Him first though, so you and He are both clear that He has given His permission for you to be so anticipatory. Sometimes there seems to be a double standard operating - a good anticipatory domestic slave who fetches His slippers before He realises His feet are cold is praised whereas woe betide one who fetches a flogger before He realises He'd like to flog you LOL! So make sure He's happy with this.
One way around it might be as follows:
By Weds night when you call each other, you have 2 possible scenes planned for the weekend to come. He listens to the plans (or reads your email or however you communicate) and makes His choice of what He thinks He would most enjoy doing. That gives you a couple of days to get everything together and ready (depending on what the scene is ... you might even want to get costume together etc). Then when He comes home make Him comfortable and relaxed on that first night, but maybe show Him what you have got ready so He can work out when He wants to use it. Then hopefully He will!
This scenario has some advantages - firstly, He is remaining in control by choosing what He prefers. That would be important to both of Y/you by the sound of it. Secondly, Him knowing about it from midweek may give chance for His creative juices to get flowing, so maybe He'll think up a little "surprise" to pop into the scene which will make it all the more fun. Thirdly, He can rest knowing that some of the burden of it has lifted from Him, freeing Him up to enjoy it when He chooses to do so. And lastly, He knows that He is meeting your needs (which I agree is important) because you have already indicated that such a scene will be good by having presented it as an option.
I would advise you to keep it simple the first few times, allow Y/you both to ease into it again, get used to the idea. Perhaps look for a new twist on scenes that were great for Y/you both in the past. Try to avoid a run of scenes that are all about you (what I would call "do me" scenes), make sure there are some options in there for scenes where He is the recipient of the attention. My sub side has often found with Master, that while the scene started with my doing things for Him, as long as He hasn't entirely zoned out such as from massage, He has then often picked up a flogger etc and been inspired to do things to me!
I would also urge you to discuss with Him whether some extra little rituals wouldn't be helpful to you. Whether it's a more formal address such as Sir or Master, some special greetings, clothing (or lack thereof or wearing collar, cuffs etc), or while He is home, asking permission for one or two things (not total micromanagement as that will wear Him out, but maybe asking permission to toilet OR to eat/drink OR to use the computer OR whatever!) ... these might help you feel He is being more overtly Dommly. Do you ask Him what He wants for various meals? Master started to feel that menu-planning off the top of His head every time was rather onerous, so now i am charged with the responsibility of giving Him 2 options, and He gets to choose. It works well!
Finally, re training, if He is new, He really isn't going to have a ready-made training manual, He's obviously "winging it". He's possibly run out of ideas by now or not sure where He can go from here. A Dom Mentor would be ideal, but that may be difficult to organise with His schedule. However, there are books and other info around on the net, which, while I would never follow verbatim because I am Me and the author is a different person, I can read and pick out useful ideas, things that resonate well with Me and My style. Perhaps you could get His permission to research for Him and provide Him with some interesting reading material to take with Him and read in those evenings He spends alone.
I do understand where you're coming from, there have been a few occasions when my sub side feels like she is just the drudge doing all the work without much play as reward and that's not what i signed up for! Having recently moved across country, W/we've not yet sorted out the shed sufficiently to use the play equipment W/we brought so i've not had a flogging in months and i am really hankering for one. But (a) i am sensitive to the effect of circumstances and ready to say OK that's how it is now but it won't last forever and (b) i am also ready to create other little opportunities for a bit of play and make the most of them for now. So I wish you all the best.
Maam Jay aka violet[A]
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Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)
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RE: When love gets in the way. - 
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