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What Would YOU Do? - 5/25/2007 8:17:10 PM

MstrssScarlet

Posts: 633
Joined: 6/3/2005
From: Indianapolis, Indiana
Status: offline

At a recent play party, I attended with my collared submissive and a domme friend of his. I'd met her once before and we got along pretty well. It was agreed that all three of us would be playing together that night. No sooner did we get my submissive secured when the other domme stepped up behind him. I watched in horror as she raked her long, sharp nails down his back - breaking the skin. My sub never used his safe word, but I was not happy with what she had done (to say the least). Because he hadn't used his safe word and they were close friends, I did not pull her off right away. I redirected her to some different play that was within the limits of my sub and I. I played very lightly with him the rest of the evening on account of her actions. I apologized to my submissive for not protecting him from this, but I didn't even have time to react. SHE has since called him and apologized, but has not contacted me as he requested.
It's too late for me to do anything but refuse to allow her to play with him again. My question is: What would YOU have done? No criticism required here...I already feel terrible about what happened and learned my lesson with this particular domme.
Mistress Scarlet

_____________________________

"Say, that hurts a little bit" "And you don't like to be hurt do ya?" "I don't know...kinda fun sometimes if it's done in the right spirit."
Jean Harlow in The Beast of the City

Post #: 1

RE: What Would YOU Do? - 5/25/2007 8:24:01 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

Sorry to be blunt, but if she hasn't called you, she's a scheming cunt who's trying to insert herself between you and your slave. I wouldn't permit her to have any contact with him.

(in reply to MstrssScarlet)

Post #: 2

RE: What Would YOU Do? - 5/25/2007 8:30:17 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

Not being a Dominant nor even an experienced submissive.My thought process is coming from and older woman with a bit of common sense, it seems to me as if you have done all that you can and more.You took your sub out of harms way, played lightly,he received an apology and you accepted the responsibility of what happened. Things do not always go perfectly as planned,but you kept your head. Now you should quit beating yourself up. As many Dominants keep saying..we are not perfect, we do make mistakes and sometimes shit just happens...seems to me this was a case of shit just happened...(I apologise for being less than eloquent)..Tempting

_____________________________

I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to MstrssScarlet)

Post #: 3

RE: What Would YOU Do? - 5/25/2007 8:32:22 PM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

If he didn't use his safe word i would say part of the blame lies with him. If she called him to apologize and he asked her to call you, and she didn't - well that doesn't speak well of her at all. Nothing you really can do but cut off al contact with this woman and not engage in any form of play with her.

i am not a domme but knowing the type of person i am with just friends and family - if i saw someone hurt someone i loved i would have grabbed her wrists, wrenched her arms looked her in the eye and ask her "what the f*** do you think you are doing?" - and yes i have done this before. i don't know if this is correct protocal in a club though, but she would have definately felt my wrath is some acceptable form right than and there.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 4

RE: What Would YOU Do? - 5/25/2007 8:33:23 PM

spanklette

Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline

I actually had this kind of thing happen to me a few years ago. One of the Vampire Dominas grabbed me as I was walking past with my Master and bit me on the shoulder (this was someone we were aquainted with, but I wouldn't have called her a friend to either of us). It broke the skin and blood was everywhere.

His reaction: Fury!

He snagged a DM and had her removed, but actually, if He wouldn't have been so angry the story wouldn't have gotten worse...but it did. I was so flustered by the whole thing. It didn't hurt, really, I was just too surprised to have it register. I could hardly think coherently.

At any rate, to make a long story short...it resulted in a trip to the hospital and lots of "needle play". She footed the bill for the ER trip and apologized. It escalated into more ugliness when she wasn't invited to parties and events and as the story went around it got bigger and bigger. I think I died in one of the stories...maybe rabies.

The point of all of that was, you can't control other people. When it involves "sharing" a submissive and that trust is broken, you learn the lesson. Take the lesson and keep it. You can't undo any of her actions and it seems like you responded in a really restrained fashion...good for you! It wouln't have done any good to strain the situation even more by losing your temper.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to MstrssScarlet)

Post #: 5

RE: What Would YOU Do? - 5/25/2007 8:38:30 PM

MstrssScarlet

Posts: 633
Joined: 6/3/2005
From: Indianapolis, Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears

i am not a domme but knowing the type of person i am with just friends and family - if i saw someone hurt someone i loved i would have grabbed her wrists, wrenched her arms looked her in the eye and ask her "what the f*** do you think you are doing?" - and yes i have done this before. i don't know if this is correct protocal in a club though, but she would have definately felt my wrath is some acceptable form right than and there.

I have to admit that this is what I was tempted to do, but didn't feel it would be proper in that particular setting. My submissive tells me that I had a look on my face that he easily read as "Something's Wrong!", but I guess the other domme was too busy to notice.
Mistress Scarlet

_____________________________

"Say, that hurts a little bit" "And you don't like to be hurt do ya?" "I don't know...kinda fun sometimes if it's done in the right spirit."
Jean Harlow in The Beast of the City

(in reply to velvetears)

Post #: 6

RE: What Would YOU Do? - 5/25/2007 8:39:13 PM

DominaSmartass

Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline

Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do unless you own a time machine. What I would be more interested in knowing is how your sub is reacting now? Is he over it? Is he angry at someone? At you? At her? If the two of them were the ones that were "friends" then she did a pretty unfriendly thing to him by breaking skin, which apparently is a limit of his (and yours.) She is the one who did something wrong, not you. Even if you told her a hundred times what she could and couldn't do with him and she still did this, it's not as though you could have stopped her. Now all you can do is move on. I hope that your sub has not lost trust in you, but have you asked him? Most likely, the best thing you can do is forbid anyone else from playing with him unless you know for certain that she holds him as valuably as you do and will not disregard any limits. Forget about her and deal with your sub and what emotional fallout he might be having. And if there is none and he's moved past it, then great. And now you know how very quickly someone can mistreat your property and won't be letting that happen again.

_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 7

RE: What Would YOU Do? - 5/25/2007 8:51:29 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I think you did the best thing given the context.

Yes, you should have done better communicating beforehand on the tempo and preferences when it came to breaking skin and such- but such happens. It IS very unusual for someone to start off and be so bold without asking, so I'm guessing she was actively hoping to mark some territory.

I'm curious about why the other dom called and apologized? Was it because she realized afterwards that it was a bad idea? What did the apology consist of?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to DominaSmartass)

Post #: 8

RE: What Would YOU Do? - 5/25/2007 9:00:36 PM

spanklette

Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears
i am not a domme but knowing the type of person i am with just friends and family - if i saw someone hurt someone i loved i would have grabbed her wrists, wrenched her arms looked her in the eye and ask her "what the f*** do you think you are doing?" - and yes i have done this before. i don't know if this is correct protocal in a club though, but she would have definately felt my wrath is some acceptable form right than and there.

That's the "easy" solution, but not always the best one. And, if I were the submissive in question, it would have ruined my night instead of just the scene. It sounds like they continued to play and that might have been the best thing for the both of them.

The playing moved them both past the situation. That doesn't necessarily mean that the action shouldn't have consequences, but in reality the consequences are not going to be on the misbehaving Domme but on MstrssScarlet and her submissive's relationship.

(Please forgive this answer being poorly worded, however, I couldn't quite spit out what I'm trying to say.)

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to velvetears)

Post #: 9

RE: What Would YOU Do? - 5/25/2007 9:08:53 PM

MstrssScarlet

Posts: 633
Joined: 6/3/2005
From: Indianapolis, Indiana
Status: offline

I should mention that the other domme had attended other play parties with my sub before I met either one of them. The way he talked, I thought they had actually played together at one time or another. Turns out they had not, but I'm sure she must have gotten a feel for what his limits were.
My submissive has accepted my apology and feels no ill will towards me. He still trusts me and reassures me that "we are always learning in this lifestyle and to just consider this another lesson learned". I don't know exactly what words the other domme used when she called him and apologized. Obviously she must have felt guilty or she wouldn't have called. He was in a public place and kept telling her that she needed to call me. He has asked me several times since if she has called or emailed and I've had to tell him each time 'no'. He seems quite upset with her for not communicating with me.
I feel I should also add that I have already made it clear to my submissive that his domme friend will never be allowed to play with him again.
Mistress Scarlet

< Message edited by MstrssScarlet -- 5/25/2007 9:12:24 PM >

_____________________________

"Say, that hurts a little bit" "And you don't like to be hurt do ya?" "I don't know...kinda fun sometimes if it's done in the right spirit."
Jean Harlow in The Beast of the City

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 10

RE: What Would YOU Do? - 5/25/2007 9:11:00 PM

szobras

Posts: 435
Joined: 9/18/2006
Status: offline

It has happened once, with trusted a friend topping my wife. In this case breaking the skin was a known limit and it was not intentional. However the scene was stopped short, and went to aftercare for her, then private discussion between the three of us.

(in reply to MstrssScarlet)

Post #: 11

RE: What Would YOU Do? - 5/25/2007 9:17:16 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

You agreed to allow her to play and she did. Who was in charge of negotiation? Who was the one in charge period? I would think responsibility would weigh heavily on THAT person as well.

(in reply to MstrssScarlet)

Post #: 12

RE: What Would YOU Do? - 5/25/2007 9:28:25 PM

MstrssScarlet

Posts: 633
Joined: 6/3/2005
From: Indianapolis, Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass

Even if you told her a hundred times what she could and couldn't do with him and she still did this, it's not as though you could have stopped her.

I think this is as good an answer as any to your questions Michael.
Mistress Scarlet

_____________________________

"Say, that hurts a little bit" "And you don't like to be hurt do ya?" "I don't know...kinda fun sometimes if it's done in the right spirit."
Jean Harlow in The Beast of the City

(in reply to DominaSmartass)

Post #: 13

RE: What Would YOU Do? - 5/25/2007 10:01:26 PM

minnetar

Posts: 1272
Joined: 4/11/2007
Status: offline

Mistress,
You said he didn't use the safeword. Was the safeword given to the other Domme prior to play? Maybe he assumed it was only a safeword between the two of you and that the other Domme would not understand unless limits were discussed prior to play.

minnetar

(in reply to MstrssScarlet)

Post #: 14

RE: What Would YOU Do? - 5/25/2007 10:06:24 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

I'm not sure exactly how to reply without sounding like I am being critical. Obviously, this has occurred and no matter what anyone wishes we can't rewind, erase or start over. But I do think that there are lessons to be learned here after the damage control is done...and I believe the damage may be greater than you realize at this moment.

My Dominants have always been open to allowing others to play with me. They have been very, very specific though on the "who's" and the "what's". They would never have allowed someone to play with me until they knew that person quite well, observed their play styles and trusted them. Before any play took place there was in depth negotiation and every aspect of what was allowable was covered. If it wasn't specifically covered, it wasn't allowed....plain and simple.

If I trusted my Dominant's advice and consent to allow another to play with me....it was because I also trusted that he had the ultimate authority over that scene. I was not submitting to the Dominant playing with me but to the wishes of my Dominant.

There was a scene I was involved in many years ago where a Dominant attempted to do something that had not been agreed to. My Dominant stepped in immediately and declared the scene over. No further questions, no drama....just over. That reinforced the trust that I had in my Dominant and I have to admit that had he NOT stopped that scene immediately....I would have lost some degree of trust in him.

While you can't go backward and right what's been wronged...you can take the lessons that have come from it into the future.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to MstrssScarlet)

Post #: 15

RE: What Would YOU Do? - 5/26/2007 4:56:17 AM

LeatherBentOne

Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

You agreed to allow her to play and she did. Who was in charge of negotiation? Who was the one in charge period? I would think responsibility would weigh heavily on THAT person as well.

Im in full agreement. Whatever happened to negoitaion?

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 16

RE: What Would YOU Do? - 5/26/2007 4:58:04 AM

LeatherBentOne

Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

I'm not sure exactly how to reply without sounding like I am being critical. Obviously, this has occurred and no matter what anyone wishes we can't rewind, erase or start over. But I do think that there are lessons to be learned here after the damage control is done...and I believe the damage may be greater than you realize at this moment.

My Dominants have always been open to allowing others to play with me. They have been very, very specific though on the "who's" and the "what's". They would never have allowed someone to play with me until they knew that person quite well, observed their play styles and trusted them. Before any play took place there was in depth negotiation and every aspect of what was allowable was covered. If it wasn't specifically covered, it wasn't allowed....plain and simple.

If I trusted my Dominant's advice and consent to allow another to play with me....it was because I also trusted that he had the ultimate authority over that scene. I was not submitting to the Dominant playing with me but to the wishes of my Dominant.

There was a scene I was involved in many years ago where a Dominant attempted to do something that had not been agreed to. My Dominant stepped in immediately and declared the scene over. No further questions, no drama....just over. That reinforced the trust that I had in my Dominant and I have to admit that had he NOT stopped that scene immediately....I would have lost some degree of trust in him.

While you can't go backward and right what's been wronged...you can take the lessons that have come from it into the future.

Now I know why I always look forward to your posts.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 17

RE: What Would YOU Do? - 5/26/2007 5:18:13 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I have to say I would have stopped the scene immediately. I've been known to do it before on incidents not nearly as obvious as this. No one, and I mean NO ONE hurts My boys, either physically or emotionally, that is not acceptable.

Since you can not change the night, what I would think you are now left with is what I will call damage control, for lack of a better term. This is obviously bothering you. It may also be bothering your submissive. Step back and regroup. For one, get the trust issue back in order. My suggestion would be to instruct your submissive that you won't be inviting anyone to join you in playing with him, whether it is a "friend" or not, at least for a little while. When the time period you have decided on is over, and you are willing to let someone join again, change your negotiation process a bit. Don't let it be just anyone who you know about by 'word of mouth' for their reputation. Make sure it is someone you know. Someone you have participated with in scenes with you that went well before is usually a good bet. Prior to play, make sure you go over the details of what is and what isn't acceptable. It wouldn't hurt to let your submissive observe this, or even contribute to it for his reassuracne.

As for his Domme "friend", I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't hear from her for a bit. Not important in the least. Much more important to get your own house in order.

(in reply to LeatherBentOne)

Post #: 18

RE: What Would YOU Do? - 5/26/2007 5:41:52 AM

Unrepentant1

Posts: 283
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline

As a sub I would never seek another Domme anyway, so I wonder if something had been going on as you say prior to meeting you. I would not want anyone but my Domme anyway, so would never seek to involve another. If this happened it would have been someone you knew and trusted, this I feel is the error you made.

I have a feeling more damage has been done to yourself more than your sub, as he introduced her not you. I can only suggest you explain to him that you will never lt this happen again and if anyone joins you, it will be someone you know and trust deeply.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 19

RE: What Would YOU Do? - 5/26/2007 7:28:55 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Unrepentant1

As a sub I would never seek another Domme anyway, so I wonder if something had been going on as you say prior to meeting you. I would not want anyone but my Domme anyway, so would never seek to involve another. If this happened it would have been someone you knew and trusted, this I feel is the error you made.

I have a feeling more damage has been done to yourself more than your sub, as he introduced her not you. I can only suggest you explain to him that you will never lt this happen again and if anyone joins you, it will be someone you know and trust deeply.

It's not about seeking another Dom/me. Sometimes it is the Dom/me who wishes their sub/slave to have experiences with other Dom/mes. That doesn't mean it has to be a sexual thing and it could be something as simple as them wishing to experience a style of play that they are not skilled in or don't themselves enjoy participating in.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Unrepentant1)

Post #: 20

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