RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (Full Version)

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SDFemDom4cuck -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (5/26/2007 12:22:17 PM)

I don't see any problem with saying "Thanks, but not my physical type." I use it myself as well. Nor do I think it's shallow. After all, we all do have a "type" we find attractive to some extent. Just because they may not be my type, or I may not be their type, doesn't mean they won't be someone else's type. Someone not being my physical type doesn't mean that I don't enjoy having an intellectual discussion with them and we can't continue to have some form of human interaction or be friends.

What I find uncomfortable is that after being perfectly polite, and stating they aren't my type, I tend to get asked why. I usually don't get offended if someone says I'm not their's either. It's simply a personal preference, nothing more, nothing less. Personally I would rather be "hurt" with the truth than a lie. If someone chooses to get offended because I've told them that they aren't my physical type I see it as their personal issue. That isn't meant to be bitchy, I just feel that we all choose whether or not someone's words affects us in a particular way.



Calandra -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (5/26/2007 7:59:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Thank you for the replies so far.  I hope to hear more of them.
 
I agree with all of the comments about each of Us having a some type of self conscious attitude about our looks.  Personally, I don't think I'm everyone's cup of tea either.  I've been rejected due to My looks, and it's not the most pleasant feeling in the world.  Exactly why I don't want to do it to anyone else.  Just because someone isn't a match for Me on a physical appearance level doesn't mean I want to be hurtful.
 
I guess I'm mostly looking for opinions based on the fact that I do want to be truthful, but still be nice about it.


I've had this concern as well. I have had people who reminded Me of a relative and couldn't imagine being with them intimately. I tell them that, actually. Even if I simply can't feel an attraction, I will pick SOMETHING positive about their looks (nice hair, beautiful eyes, sincere smile, etc.) and I will mention that first, then wistfully explain that it isn't enough to create an attraction for Me. 
 
Honesty is important, but so is tact and gentleness. 



undergroundsea -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (5/26/2007 8:17:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: PairOfDimes
it's a matter of balancing qualities; if a person is compatible with me in many ways, especially if he has some of the rarer traits I want, and is articulate and clever, but is not to my taste physically, he has qualities that may outweigh physical unattractiveness


I agree. The overall sense of attraction is a complex sum of various qualities, including appearance. I think chemistry is more complex yet. It is entirely possible to see another person as generally attractive but not feel chemistry or a charge of sexual attraction.

Cheers,

Sea



Laura -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (5/26/2007 9:05:21 PM)

I don't ask for photos. No one looks quite the way I picture them in my mind. I would much much rather meet someone and talk to them than base my first impression on a photo. I do think that is pretty shallow. I know almost everyone bases who they meet on photos. I just choose not to limit myself in that way. I have met some interesting people. Of course you get surprised by how someone looks at times and you don't feel attracted to the way they look. But, you get to know them and find out who they are. I get attracted to someone who has good converstaion and makes me laugh. Unless he scares away small children  I get over or grow to like how he looks. It really just does not matter as much as who he is. If I like him I will like how he looks cause that is just the outside packaging for the person within who I am really attracted to. 



slaverosebeauty -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (5/26/2007 9:11:17 PM)

I look like pics, only better. On webcam, I look like my pics if I had pics of me without makeup, in person, I look 'better' as far as I have been told from those I have met.

Pics are a good thing, they give an idea of who you are speaking too. If I have a pic up, I do expect the other person to return the favor and to send a pic if one is not on their profile/page. If not, I will pass them by. Its only polite to send a pic if the other perosn has one up or offers.



LdyScarletDomina -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (5/26/2007 9:21:21 PM)

I tend to be a bit blunt most of the time.  I've hurt some feelings and have even made some people mad/hurt.  But I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not.

In retrospect.  Sometimes honesty can be a very motivational thing.  I sent a photo back about 6 months ago to this very pretty young submissive girl.  She responded very very politely that I was just a bit overweight for her. (I was nearly 150 at 5 foot even)  This caused me to take a very good look in a mirror and inspired a 20 lb weight loss.  (so far) Feedback and honesty can be positive or negative, its just a matter of perspective. 

Lady Scarlet



kc692 -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (5/26/2007 9:22:50 PM)

I ask for one in my profile to avoid that whenever possible, but when it happens I just pursue it as a friendship, since I am not actively seeking, but am open to possibilities.  That way, I try to save from hurting feelings also.

edited to add:  I do read the email before I look at the picture also. The look is not everything, but yes it is something.



imthatacheyouhav -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (5/26/2007 9:25:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: peepeegirl5

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

At any given point during an email exchange, if I find someone interesting has actually contacted Me, I'll ask for a face pic.  So, he returns the face pic, and My first reaction is just that's it's completely not attractive.  Not a case of someone I would be interested in.  I know, this sounds totally shallow, but it happens to be the truth.
 
Now, I don't want to be rude and avoid the issue by not responding at all.  Usually, the most polite thing I think I can do is say thank you, but I'm looking for a different type.  Somehow, to Me, this still seems a bit rude.  Does anyone have a better suggestion?  I'm not out to hurt anyone's feelings, but I don't wish to lie about the situation either.  Comments?


Try bi-sexuality.
I've heard that what happens to women over 45 is that the males they are attracted (younger) to aren't attracted to them. It's also my understanding that all males want to love you, take care of you, and protect you forever (until you're 40).

Perhaps you're experiencing (or soon will be) a variation of the "live by the sword, die by the sword" phenomenon.


This is a joke right?....i have had MORE men in their 20's interested in me in the past 2 years...and that would be age 42, and 43...then i did in all of my thirties...(i'm so sorry, and DON'T mean to toot my own horn here) i think it is flattering but i would never..could never...for me personally i just can't do someone close to my kids ages...and all my kids are in their twenties



pixelslave -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (5/26/2007 9:34:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BBBTBW
My mother always taught me that a persons physical appearance changes with their personality and attitude.  "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"  I have found this to be true.  I don't accept pics nor request them unless I really find a connection with someone.  Some men that weren't necessarily pleasing to my eye were pleasing to my psyche.  This made them more physically attractive to me because they had achieved stimulating my mind. 

I have had a long term friendship/relationship with a man that most people would find QUASIMOTOISH at first sight because they haven't taken the time to get to know him on a more personal level. 

I know I am not attractive to everyone and that everyone is not going to be attractive to me.  However, I have found if you can get past the physical structure and look at the structure of the heart of a person, that physical structure can become your Mr/Ms America.

People aren't stupid though...if you reject them after receiving their picture, they know why you are rejecting them regardless of the reason you use.  My advice would be not to ask for a picture if you don't feel the electricity of a real connection.


I totally agree with what you've said and it matches my own experience.  I've met women who at first glance I didn't hardly notice, then upon engaging them in conversation became increasingly attractive to me; eventually to the point where it seemed as though there were no other people in the room! [;)]
 
Lady Pact, if you haven't met this man, and you found him quite engaging in your email conversations prior to the photo, I strongly suggest that you meet him in person for a cup of tea or coffee (assuming that he's local) just to see how it goes.  There might be something about his aura, smile, some hidden chemistry, or something else that gets lost in a photo that you'll never know exists, unless you meet him face to face.  But that's just my 2 cents. [&:]
 
 - pixel



Wildnfreehrt2004 -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (5/26/2007 11:08:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia

I totally agree BBBTW, at my age I am looking more at the inside than the outside.
Hummm I see a nice topic brewing here, maybe I will start that thread tomorrow.
But again, when I find the right submissive for ME, I think I can overlook about anything
physically.
If I feel that it is something I can help him change however, he must be willing to also
allow me to do that.
Happy Memorial Day to all!


Agree 100%. A photograph is a two-dimensional moment caught in chemicals - the real person has so much more to offer - personality, character. I will meet most anyone for coffee or whatever. The wrapping may not be pretty, but the gift inside may be a treasure.

Wildy



nonu -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (5/27/2007 12:17:04 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia

LOL, LadyPact I usually find something else about him that I can use to back away.
Where does he live? Then you can say: I think you live to far, maybe we can become friends!
Or
His career?  I think your career will not allow you to have enough time to spare for me, maybe we be friends!
Or
His family?  I think you have too many demands on your time with your family, maybe we can be friends!
Trust me, you can always find another reason to ease away slowly and politely.
I can think of 100 things off the top of my head.
I hope he does not read these boards!
LOL


LOL MzMia !

So now everytime a submissive gets to hear one of those phrases, we know what it could possibly mean....[;)]

quote:

ORIGINAL: gothicdiva

Wow, PeePeeGirl...where do you get your information or with whom have you been associating? I'll be 44 in July and I can assure you that I get MORE than my fair share of 20-somethings "hitting on me" in both the "vanilla" and BDSM realms. Granted, I certainly do not look OR act my age and attitude can play a major role in attraction. I'd surely hate to know that I only have a year left before they will no longer be attracted to me...*rolling eyes* It's been my experience that it's quite the opposite...the younger men are MORE attracted to women my age and have provided me with a "laundry list" as to why they don't like women their own age. IMMATURITY usually tops that list....I would venture to say that IGNORANCE and lack of life experiences/knowledge runs a close second. I would cite that posting of yours as an example of that.

I do apologize, LadyPact as I did not mean to "hijack" your thread!

Proud Member of the "Forty Plus" Club,
M. Diva


Couldn't agree with You anymore, Ms. M. Diva.
Proud fan of the "Forty Plus" Club!


quote:

ORIGINAL: SadisticMan

Not to or about OP. But on the same subject.

So how is it that you talk to a person for a while, exchanging mails,
maybe a phone call.  Everything is great, then you get his pic....
Suddenly, he's not your type ??

YES, that is SHALLOW


Agreed. It can be truly depressing if it happens after a certain degree of bonding has been reached. I have been through it twice, and have now realised that it is always best to get past the 'physical attractiveness' test, before allowing any sort of emotional bonding to take place.


In response to LadyPact:

The charm of a submissive can be said to be a combination of his nature and his appearance. Different Dommes have different priorities and requirements. While one may be in search of a laborious slave, another may be looking for a companion, and the importance of 'looks' would differ in such cases.

Therefore a critical mix of both come into play, in the selection of a submissive. And if he is mature enough to understand and handle rejection, then he should not have a problem moving on. It is usually those submissives who have very high opinions of their own selves, or those who don't really think about what the Domme is looking for, that are likely to be hurt more in such situations.

Therefore what You have been doing is not at all rude or shallow. It is upto the submissive's levels of expectation and anticipation to decide, how well he can handle it.



MadameDahlia -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (5/27/2007 12:58:47 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact  I know, this sounds totally shallow, but it happens to be the truth.


I don't see it as being shallow. Every human on the planet has some sort of personal bias. Some women want a tall, heavy, blonde man... some want a short, twig-thin brown haired man. Some like muscles upon muscles. Some like men who look as though they haven't seen the inside of a gym since they were being pushed around in the high school locker rooms.

Bias isn't right or wrong. It just is. We grow up, exposed to certain things. We either grow to love the things we're exposed to... or chase down something more "exotic".

It's best just to be honest, and accept that personal bias is a natural limitation of the human mind. You can work with an unattractive colleague. You can have an unattractive landlord, gardener or plumber. You can dislike the looks of your pastor, priest or rabbi. You don't need to like the looks of the guy at the gas station or the grocery store.

But when it comes to people you plan to be intimate with on some level... attraction matters. Appearance counts. And that's all there is to it.



LadyPact -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (5/27/2007 4:47:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: pixelslave

Lady Pact, if you haven't met this man, and you found him quite engaging in your email conversations prior to the photo, I strongly suggest that you meet him in person for a cup of tea or coffee (assuming that he's local) just to see how it goes.  There might be something about his aura, smile, some hidden chemistry, or something else that gets lost in a photo that you'll never know exists, unless you meet him face to face.  But that's just my 2 cents. [&:]
 
 - pixel


pixel, et all,
 
As I'm sure you're becoming to realize, I always appreciate your two cents.  You always put so much consideration into your thoughts.
 
One of the points that I think has been missed once or twice through this wonderful discussion is that I ask for a picture up front.  Usually within the first couple of emails.  Disclaimer  ***  I am specifically talking about cases where the person is local and it might be a potential match.  I'm not talking about friendly exchanges, where people are either too far away, different gender, or different role. ***  I do base some of what I would consider a potential match on whether or not there is some level of physical attraction.  Since My photo is on My profile, I think it reasonable to accept that the person contacting Me has already been able to access this for themselves in regard to Me.  I do this specifically to avoid this....
 
(by the way, somebody needs to teach Me how to put more than one quote in the box.  <Laughs>)
 
Agreed. It can be truly depressing if it happens after a certain degree of bonding has been reached. I have been through it twice, and have now realised that it is always best to get past the 'physical attractiveness' test, before allowing any sort of emotional bonding to take place.

I feel this is very unfair to a submissive, as well as Myself, because of the time and investment wasted.
 
I do firmly believe that a person is not their looks alone.  A person is not the entire package, but in some cases, knowing they are minimally attractive can assist in the ability to knowing that there is a desire to learn more.  As MadameDahlia said, we are talking about someone who would be someone that would be intimate at a later time.
 
This has been an absolutely wonderful discussion.  I appreciate everyone's time in offerring their views.




IwiltakeU -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (5/27/2007 7:10:22 AM)

[:D]BE TRUE TO WHAT YOU DESIRE.  YOU MAY NOT EVERONES CHOICE ETHER.  TELLING A PERSON THEY ARE NOT YOU TYPE IS BETTER THEN LEADING TO BELIVE THEY ARE. HONESTY ALWAYS WORKS I CHOSE ONLY SEXY EDUCATED WOMAN THEY SEEK ME NOT FOR MY LOOKS BUT BECAUSE OF MY FIRM HAND AND HONESTY.  LEARN WHAT YOU WAN AND YOUR NEEDS.  THEN DONT ACCEPT ANY ONE LESS. MAKE A COMPLETE FIT.[sm=crop.gif]



BossySSBBW -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (5/27/2007 10:37:32 AM)

Because I have several pictures on all the profiles I have online, I expect the person contacting me to have looked at them first.  I hate surprises, but I also hate someone being nasty because my pic does not make them do back flips.  I feel forewarned is forearmed.
What toasts my buns is when you ask for the picture and you get the reply "I don't have one on this computer".  Well just how many freaking computers do you have?  Yes, it is a rhetorical question.
I hate the ones who think I will continue a conversation with them after that statement.



DiurnalVampire -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (5/27/2007 10:43:48 AM)

I have used that, BossySSBBW. Bcasue I have 2 computers, this one being new and not loaded and all but 2 vanilla pictures (until recently) were on the other's hard drive.  If I hear that, I give them the option to go FETCH a picture from that other computer (which is what I wll do at my earliest convenience) or end the conversation. Its possible you are chatting from a machine you dont have your pictures saved on. But theres a difference between sending one later, and using that as an excuse not to send one at all.

I undersand I am not everyone's type. I dont expect to be. Not everyone is my type. A picture helps narrow down the phsyical attraction issue to a point. Things like body hair (I cant deal, and I wont compromise on it), skin color (no im not prejudiced, I dont like dark skinned tan man, regardless of race) and basic things like that. Other than that, a picture is just a way to pick someone out of a crowd. At least to me.

DV 



BossySSBBW -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (5/27/2007 10:49:14 AM)

Diurnal, I do not mean to imply you do not know how to use the internet.
Anyone who has sent a picture on the internet, usually has a copy of past sent mails that they could at least forward.  Of course, you do have to know the internet and understand that it is there.  Also, I keep all sent mail for reference if someone has a question about something in the past.
I should also have mentioned that I always give them time to e-mail a picture before I cut them off completely.  But I need to receive it in a timely manner.  Which I can honestly say, has never happened, ever in all my years on the net.  Guess I just get players.



LadyPact -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (5/27/2007 12:44:34 PM)

Bossy, I think I know the situation you mean.  Any given excuse not to send a pic (I'm at work, etc) but not willing to send one later on.  I'd be willing to wait a reasonable time for one, but not weeks on end where you usually get "Can we just chat in the meantime?" 



pixelslave -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (5/27/2007 10:09:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: pixelslave

Lady Pact, if you haven't met this man, and you found him quite engaging in your email conversations prior to the photo, I strongly suggest that you meet him in person for a cup of tea or coffee (assuming that he's local) just to see how it goes.  There might be something about his aura, smile, some hidden chemistry, or something else that gets lost in a photo that you'll never know exists, unless you meet him face to face.  But that's just my 2 cents. [&:]
 
 - pixel


pixel, et all,
 
As I'm sure you're becoming to realize, I always appreciate your two cents.  You always put so much consideration into your thoughts.


Thank you Lady Pact.  Your kind words are always appreciated. [:D] 
 
 
quote:


One of the points that I think has been missed once or twice through this wonderful discussion is that I ask for a picture up front.  Usually within the first couple of emails.  Disclaimer  ***  I am specifically talking about cases where the person is local and it might be a potential match.  I'm not talking about friendly exchanges, where people are either too far away, different gender, or different role. ***  I do base some of what I would consider a potential match on whether or not there is some level of physical attraction.  Since My photo is on My profile, I think it reasonable to accept that the person contacting Me has already been able to access this for themselves in regard to Me.  I do this specifically to avoid this....


I understand where you're coming from and agree it is not unreasonable to ask for a photo when yours is already displayed here on CM.  At the same time, as has already been noted, a person is far more than their photo.  Many people aren't very photogenic, but can appear fabulous in person.  Ahem...There are also those who don't have friends who are at all good at taking the photographs you receive.  You'll find it's also amazing how much a photo can be enhanced in a software program such as Photoshop to reveal what is otherwise hidden, dull, discolored, or distorted, and I'm not talking about purposely altering one's appearance but simply adjusting the photo for best viewing. [:D]
 
 
quote:

 
(by the way, somebody needs to teach Me how to put more than one quote in the box.  <Laughs>)


Contact me on the other side and I'll be happy to explain how.  It's really quite simple to do! [sm=lol.gif] 


quote:


Agreed. It can be truly depressing if it happens after a certain degree of bonding has been reached. I have been through it twice, and have now realised that it is always best to get past the 'physical attractiveness' test, before allowing any sort of emotional bonding to take place.

I feel this is very unfair to a submissive, as well as Myself, because of the time and investment wasted.


If you did let it go to that point, and then decided not to meet based upon a mere photo, then it's my opinion that you may have made a mistake an might want to consider contacting those men again.  Even with a photo, sensing the right kinds of things happening on both ends of the equation when you meet in person, can be a difficult thing to just "let happen" instead of trying to "force it" into fitting your ideal of what you may have had in mind.  Being open to the possiblities of there being a connection without having a specific agenda or expectations, can be your biggest asset in letting things "just happen"; to see how they naturally flow between the two of you when together in person.  As you know, I'm speaking from experience, including one that has turned into a very positive one for me and Majik. [;)]
 

quote:


I do firmly believe that a person is not their looks alone.  A person is not the entire package, but in some cases, knowing they are minimally attractive can assist in the ability to knowing that there is a desire to learn more.  As MadameDahlia said, we are talking about someone who would be someone that would be intimate at a later time.

 
For me, real beauty is found on the inside.  I find Mistress very attractive on the outside, yet her most attractive features are definitely on the inside! [:)]
 
While you're a very attractive woman, what I think makes your posts interesting and popular to read here in the forums is the part of you that share with us that comes from the inside.  I'd encourage you not to forget that when searching for your sub.  Please don't make the mistake of discounting what a man has to offer on the inside and from his heart that will make him so attractive to you, that you'll likely forget his physical features as you initially saw them and suddenly find him very attractive.  You may find that once you see how attractive he is within, you'll forget he's not what you thought was "your type". [&:]
 
 - pixel



WyckedMystress -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (5/28/2007 12:43:45 AM)

I have to say with reading all the posts and comments - this is a wider issue than I originally thought. Thanks for starting the thread - it has made Me laugh and made Me go 'ohhh yessss' at times.

WyckedMystress



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