RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (Full Version)

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tornaway -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (5/28/2007 8:52:57 AM)

     I've experienced this situation a few times , and have always been polite and respectful of people's feelings , looking for the kindest way to say I just didn't feel what I needed to feel in order to move foward .
      Most dealt with it fine - some even thanked me .  ( then there was the one that went nutso ballistic  ... )
 
      I don't think it's shallow , or bias to be drawn to certain people .  Often , we may not even know exactly what it is that draws us !  
     Because I also seek a lover and companion in the sub I choose ,  the way I react to someone's overall appearance is more of an issue .   It has nothing to do with having a classicly "pretty" face ,  or perfect abs ,  and eveything to do with that undefinable gut reaction .    Granted , appearance is only a part of the often complicated attraction process .
 
      There was one very nice sounding gentleman that contacted me recently - but when he sent a  picture - unfortunately , he strongly resembled a really unpleasant someone from my past .   Just seeing his face caused me to bristle !   He can't change his face - no amount of nice would ever be able to override that  .   Though I know a photo cannot possibly tell all ,  it saved us both an awkward scene , had we met without exchanging any photos first .  
 
      We must be true to ourselves ,  and go about all this as best we can !     [;)]
      
 



LadyAlzara -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (5/31/2007 11:00:34 AM)

Bi-sexuality...a way to be rejected from both sides of the fence? 
W/we've all had O/our share of rude comments....Goddess knows I have...and not too proud to admit it....
I've found that over time...either a person turns Y/you on...or doesn't.....O/one can't help the chemistry....but nothing is worse than some boy getting off the plane and You're looking for a place to hide and wondering if the return ticket is good for just after dinner...at Your expense...lol
okay...so I'm being a bit flippant....truthful...I've great friends that I wouldn't sleep with if they were the last breathing body on earth...just not My tastes....then again..there's always "pretty ugly" ...Ya know the ones that aren't Your type...but damn something is there...
honesty is always best....a simple "thank you, but I can't get past the one eye in your forehead" should do it.....okay...so cushion it how You are most comfortable...
Z



Calandra -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (5/31/2007 12:37:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Bossy, I think I know the situation you mean.  Any given excuse not to send a pic (I'm at work, etc) but not willing to send one later on.  I'd be willing to wait a reasonable time for one, but not weeks on end where you usually get "Can we just chat in the meantime?" 


I understand this... Almost every WalMart has a photo center now where you can scan a hard copy onto a floppy disk for very little money.
 



SlaveBlutarsky -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (6/4/2007 7:36:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

At any given point during an email exchange, if I find someone interesting has actually contacted Me, I'll ask for a face pic.  So, he returns the face pic, and My first reaction is just that's it's completely not attractive.  Not a case of someone I would be interested in.  I know, this sounds totally shallow, but it happens to be the truth.
 
Now, I don't want to be rude and avoid the issue by not responding at all.  Usually, the most polite thing I think I can do is say thank you, but I'm looking for a different type.  Somehow, to Me, this still seems a bit rude.  Does anyone have a better suggestion?  I'm not out to hurt anyone's feelings, but I don't wish to lie about the situation either.  Comments?


I'd just tell them 'I'm sorry, but it's not bad enough you look like you ran the hundred yard dash in a fifty yard gym, but did you have to fall out of the ugly tree, hit every branch on the way down and then get hit with a wet squirrel?'

Hope that helps!



lighthearted -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (6/4/2007 8:52:58 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: pixelslave

Lady Pact, if you haven't met this man, and you found him quite engaging in your email conversations prior to the photo, I strongly suggest that you meet him in person for a cup of tea or coffee (assuming that he's local) just to see how it goes.  There might be something about his aura, smile, some hidden chemistry, or something else that gets lost in a photo that you'll never know exists, unless you meet him face to face.  But that's just my 2 cents. [&:]
 
 - pixel


I'm glad someone finally brought this up, as well as your additional comment, pixel, about not being photogenic.  I would have to say that the majority of men I have met online and then gone on to meet in person were not well represented in their photographs, and to their detriment.  in short:  a lot of guys don't take decent photos. 



tzndeny -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (6/4/2007 9:44:20 PM)

dddd



MistressLucyK -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (6/5/2007 4:18:55 AM)

quote:

WTF??? First of all, I don't  know what you are reading, but burn it---women like Lady Pact, Myself and others, have more than our share of Men from 20 ( yep 20) to 75 to choose from,  We are hardly desparate or are the men we are attrated to, un attracted to Us---puhleez----
Totally agree with Mistress Hathor - age has no barriers - I can find no shortage of young subs willing to kneel before me



MistressLucyK -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (6/5/2007 4:38:53 AM)

My apologies to LadyPact for not answering her post about what to reply.

Mine is simplying " I don't think you're what I'm seeking"

Frankly I don't my base my decision on a picture I usually never ask for a pic.

Its more on how the person reacts to the words I use and their willingness to surrender control to me.

Now that doesn't mean I end up with someone thats not good looking and young.

I'm happy and smiling [:D]



YesMistressIrish -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (6/5/2007 5:01:15 AM)

peepee said:
It's also my understanding that all males want to love you, take care of you, and protect you forever (until you're 40).

In the vanilla world where men expect to be doms, I think the above statement has a lot of truth. A lot of those men have 'barbie' looks as #1. Thin, Boobs, ms america; you know.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am open to moving beyond looks, and am a very visual person, so it is a highly aesthetic pleasure for me to gaze upon a beautiful anything. It is art in motion. I see many things as beautiful now that seemed unattractive before. I used to dance with a fantastic dancer. When I first met him I thought 'This man is the ugliest person I have ever seen, ewwww.' After getting to know him: Mensa, funny, articulate, stimulating, and we made an awesome dance team. It used to make me wet immediately when he would take me in his arms to the Blues. Dipping, swirling, getting our groove on.  After 1 yr of dancing and talking with him: I found him to be very handsome.
 
Mean what you say; and don't say it mean. imnsho





MistressSassy66 -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (6/5/2007 9:41:36 AM)

I can understand not wanting to be rude.
The reply of" I'm looking for a different type" isnt rude sounding to Me.
But thats just Me.Its far better than saying sorry but your just too ugly
to session with.Though I can say thats never been a problem for Me.
I dont care about looks or size as long as they are good people.

I have had to be honest with some of the older submissives that they are just too old to become a live in,I need someone young that can do chores of cutting down trees for fire wood,so I dont want a 65 y/o that might have a heart attack.
Sometimes it better to be honest.



DrPleasure -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (6/5/2007 9:53:53 AM)

It depends how long you've been talking to him, but at some point he's going to be disappointed so better to do it sooner so he can focus on his other options.



MistressNoName -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (6/5/2007 10:26:29 AM)

This is coming pretty late in the thread, but it caught my eye today. I believe honesty is always the best way to go. And all this talk about not wanting to hurt people's feelings, in my opinion and experience, is just another way of saying, "I don't want to seem rude/harsh/shallow (whatever adjective fits)." I say this because I have felt this way many a time. Most recently this past Sunday. Although, in that situation it wasn't about the boy's looks. It was about his personality. More precisely, about his lack of a clear sense of who he is as a submissive. After getting together with him for a first meeting, I was honest with him that the meeting was less than what I had hoped for. He seemed to be hurt by what I had said and before I could say anything more he was chugging down the block. Now, I don't think I said what I said in a harsh way or a cruel way. In fact, I'm always careful in how I phrase things and I was as gentle as possible, while still being honest. It was simply plain to me that he and I did not share the same direction and it didn't make sense to pretend that seeing him again would've been of any real value.

Honesty is a hard path to walk. And it can also be difficult to find a good balance between being honest and being mean. Still, it's a worthwhile path. And as far as hurting someone else's feelings go...it's just unavoidable, really. One certainly need not set out to hurt someone else (unless it's a well-negotiated scene), but it happens all the time. One person likes the other, but the feelings are not reciprocated. One thinks the other is hot, but the other does not find the other attractive...or attractive enough. C'est la vie. And I don't mean that in a flippant way at all, as I have had my share of ppl letting me know in one way or other that they found me less than attractive/desireable, for whatever reasons. And when that has happened, the rejection can feel bad. But, the feelings are mine to deal with and the person doing the rejecting, assuming they are not purposefully being cruel, has nothing to do with that. They were just being honest.

Bottomline is human relations are so complicated. Our collective reticence around being truthful in our communications contributes greatly to this.


MNN



MsKatHouston -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (6/5/2007 10:54:25 AM)

I find the reaction to rejection a good indication of how things would have gone had we clicked yet something did not go their way.  When someone handles a polite rejection with rudeness, or even worse, throwing a fit or even pouting, all it does is confirm that I probably would not have gotten on well with the person.  Someone, however, who handles it gracefully, can remain a friend and possibly get referred to someone else who might be a better match for him.



domiguy -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (6/5/2007 11:04:55 AM)

It's cool to tell someone that they hit to many branches when they fell out of the ugly tree......Can I go to BlackBeat?
quote:

lighthearted
I would have to say that the majority of men I have met online and then gone on to meet in person were not well represented in their photographs, and to their detriment.  in short:  a lot of guys don't take decent photos.


I take decent photos ....Of others....Wanna go to BlackBeat?



maledave7 -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (6/5/2007 12:15:04 PM)

There will always be people that you do not find attractive. I feel that you told him the right thing. I would prefer that a woman is honest with me and tell me this is not going to work out. I find that I am either attractive to a woman or not, even though I do have a prefer type.



Aubre -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (6/5/2007 12:18:02 PM)

For rejecting, I'd say:

Since I am not looking I can look at this semi-objectively:

"Sorry but I think I will be going in another direction." This way you don't point out exactly what bothered you, and I think it is less insulting. If looks/physical attraction really is all that important to you, get to the rejection sooner rather than later so that the person you are rejecting can move on quickly. Besides, you are a catch and won't have any trouble getting someone you want, and the person you rejected might be just the person for the next person they contact. Don't feel guilty, by rejecting them you are doing them a favor.

If you are rejected, I'd say:

"Thanks for your time. Good luck to you in your search." Now, no matter how badly you might have wanted something to happen with them, remember you know very little about them and there are plenty of other people, don't hound them - move on to the next person. Trying to convince someone who has rejected you that they have made a mistake is a waste of time that you could be spending pursuing a real relationship with a person more likely to accept you for who you are. Even if you somehow were able to guilt the person into interacting with you in a bdsm way, their base shallowness and preference would kick in at some point and you would end up brokenhearted anyway.

I don't use the word "shallow" as an insult. When people are shallow in this situation they do folks a service by instantly freeing them to go on to the next person. Now it may be that someone is so picky that they may never find anyone they can accept, but that's not the problem of the person who was rejected. A salesman I knew once said "Thank you for the "No"s, they get me closer to the "Yes".



adoracat -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (6/5/2007 2:01:53 PM)

i met one very lovely gentleman on collarme....we had a nice time talking, and back and forth on the computer....but he looked FAR too much like my sperm donor.  who abused me.  i couldnt deal, and told him why.  he was ANGRILY unhappy.  but that's the way it happens sometimes.

i wasnt sure about Sir, either.  but again, i gave him a chance, and am extremely glad i did so.

kitten who is content



stella40 -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (6/5/2007 3:56:35 PM)

Marilyn Monroe's body, Tom Hanks, Bette Davis's eyes... let's face it, it's all been done before, and bigger and better. We know that chasing the dragon of beauty is fleeting. We all desire to be attractive and pleasing on the eye.It's been that way ever since the dawn of time... but has it really?

Physical beauty and what is considered attractive changes over time. Will a Dom really die on the floor if he doesn't have the perfect female submissive?. Will a Domme simply waste away if she doesn't meet that handsome male submissive? So why are we so hung up on perfection? Life is short and you may be missing out on many wonderful submissives as you wait for slave perfect. And it is the same for the men. Why hang out for Mistress Perfection? A good male submissive is hard to find.. true maybe because he lost a few hairs and gained a few inches round the waist.. but he also might have finally woken up and gained a soul. It can be said that a lot of women and men have it tough.. but it's also really tough for BBWs, and it can be even tougher for transsexuals .. we all have it tough when we are chasing the dangling carrot of the beauty ideal.

Isn't there more to life than trying to attain a physical specimen of perfection in a partner? If your answer is 'no', then you are probably a teenager (at least mentally anyway). And anyway, just how perfect are you yourself?

Life is short - very short. There is probably a wonderful Dominant or submissive out there for you, if you gave them half a chance. An attractive person can turn ugly very quickly especially if they have an ugly attitude, and a moderately attractive person can become very beautiful in your eyes if you find that they have a good, warm heart and a good personality. Why not try taking the time to get to know them?

Please don't get me wrong, initial attraction IS important, but it's only one small slice of the whole cake. So many people are lonely because they don't quite fit the 'media' stereotype image of what is attractive, or they don't attract who they 'deem' to be their match. So why run around with a mental frame trying to fit someone into it? Why not first appreciate the art for what it really is, and then frame it?

I've been meeting Dommes over some years and while physical attractiveness is nice, it really isn't much more than that. Being beautiful causes people to love you, it causes people to hate you, and then you have to weed out all the freaks and weirdos. Why not try to spend time seeing the good qualities in someone?

Maya Angelou once said," Let someone show you who they really are, and believe them the first time."



LadyPact -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (6/6/2007 5:31:48 AM)

One of the things I've really appreciated in the answers to this thread is that most people have had some inclination to mention the person underneath the physical appearance.  It helps Me to think that people, in some cases, have been able to see what others would like them to see.  A little substance, instead of the surface.
 
There have been a lot of good answers to the original question I posted.  Now that the thread has gone on for a bit, I think I'll stick with the majority who commented that honesty, tactful honesty, is probably a good choice.  I'm really not looking to insult anyone, and I do think the "coincidence" of making up some other excuse immediately after seeing a picture, isn't comfortable to Me.  If it were the other way around, I know I'd be thinking, ok, I'm not your type, but you think I'm stupid, too?



addicted2it -> RE: So he sent the pic and then....... (6/6/2007 6:28:06 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

At any given point during an email exchange, if I find someone interesting has actually contacted Me, I'll ask for a face pic.  So, he returns the face pic, and My first reaction is just that's it's completely not attractive.  Not a case of someone I would be interested in.  I know, this sounds totally shallow, but it happens to be the truth.
 
Now, I don't want to be rude and avoid the issue by not responding at all.  Usually, the most polite thing I think I can do is say thank you, but I'm looking for a different type.  Somehow, to Me, this still seems a bit rude.  Does anyone have a better suggestion?  I'm not out to hurt anyone's feelings, but I don't wish to lie about the situation either.  Comments?


LadyPact,

IMO, a "No thank you.  I'm looking for a different type." sounds perfectly fine.  It smacks of honesty without being overtly rude or insensitive.

I am sure that we have all had letters of rejection, but it's better to receive some explanation, as opposed to nothing at all.

Also, my own personal viewpoint would be that it is that it's much easier to deal with the truth than a lie, and that I would much rather know why I have been rejected than the other alternative.

- Philip





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