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realist -> RE: Reality Check (5/22/2005 5:13:09 PM)
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Thanks to all for your responses. I had a great weekend and hope you all did too.
It was claimed I'm new here. No, this is my third nickname. I've been aware of this site for years. Though, I have not participated in some time.
It was claimed I'm bitter or upset, no I'm not. I'm delivering editorial comment for good reason.
It was said I'm frustrated, no I'm not. I'm a very happy person with a great family life, lovelife, and sexlife. (listed in order of importance)
It was asked, if this site doesn't have what I want, why am I here? To make the public statement that BDSM lifestyle mythology held online precludes participation by the vast majority of our community. There are a couple dozen posters here, several hundred active profiles at Collarme.com, and tens of millions of BDSM enthusiasts not participating in this site. It is perfectly fair and logical to ask why that is and attempt to find answers.
It was said that if one is religious, that factor never fades or stops being in force. Yes it does. When you obey secular law, you act in that legal secular regard and you do drop your religious regard to do so. Just as there is a separation of church and state, which creates such secular law, there is an empirically obvious separation of human sexuality and the rest of life. It's a common sense argument to note that one is not sexual or holding a sex role while performing acts that are not sexual, like driving a car, parenting, working a career, paying the bills, eating food, or playing a sport. A sub or dom you may indeed be, in exclusively sexual regards, but in the rest of life, the vast majority of your lifetime, you are anything but that sexual being. Thus, 24/7 does not and cannot exist.
If 24/7 did exist, then no act by the participants would have a non-sexual nature to it. That would be an overwhelming obsession and not at all psychologically healthy. Try the same with food and you'll not survive it. Claiming infinite sexual being is really just a competition to see who's the most sexually elite, the most submissively or dominantly "pure", or a veritable sexual authority. This becomes absurd when one considers the question of how purely sexual people perform any non-sexual function. This becomes arbitrary and contrived when we ask what career is good, or what car make, or what side dish with dinner, is the proper choice for the 24/7 player. None of that, or the bulk of life, is sexual. If one wishes to claim otherwise, they have a significant burden of proof required to back the claim. I think they'll merely do as all UFO abductees have, and claim that because they've lived it, you can take their word for it.
The grave problem online then is the collective reification of desired mythology by the tiny vocal minority. An excellent myth-induced common statement epitomizing this phenomenon is when people list their hard limits and add "no scat, and no kids". If those are even in your sexual universe, you're either destined for disease or considering the possibility being a criminal of the lowest order, by going just a tad too far, thus the hard limits must be stated online as such. These are the statements of people who do not have real world experience, just online adherence to popular mythology. But is that soundbyte questioned online? I only saw it questioned once, by a real life Domme friend of mine. The problem is that the online perceived reality carries these ridiculous continuums that end up ever-increasingly departing from reality. Those of us who do not do so, comment often in the real world, that online mythology is just mental pretending.
There is no greater case of mental pretending than "cybersex". It's not sex, it's typing about sex. A typed description of a car is not a car. A typed description of sex is not sex.
It is this departure from reality that I question the outcomes of.
Why do the vast majority of BDSMers not come here? How come so many who do soon leave and never return? What drives them away or causes them to never interact online? It is the online mythology where 24/7 is real, where "no scat, no kids" is the common hard limit catchphrase, where pretending typing is sex runs rampant, where seeking money from exploiting someone's kinks is called a valid fetish and never raw greed, and only those ready to relocate and give up all financial assets are "for real".
The thing I don't like about all that is, more than the fact it's just pretended bullshit, more than anything else, is that it drives away regular, well grounded reasonable people who are good parents to their kids, who have good jobs, who have rich and rewarding lives, who make good friends, who don't stoop to argue trivia, who save badmouthing an individual (like me, for example) for when it's really needed and the matter is important, and who make no tie whatsoever between how much money you have and whether or not they're sexually interested in you. (do you understand the listed assets in my profile now?)
I suppose it's no different than if I posted at a UFO abductee forum and said I didn't think aliens were real. I don't think the online BDSM subculture is remotely realistic, but my life is. I do well at munches. I have never met one person from a munch who expected another to relocate, give up all assets, live a 24/7 sexlife, be a "true slave", or called typing a form of sex. I did meet one guy once who said Gor was a viable lifestyle. He got very upset when I asked him if I could pet his Larl kittycat.
People don't like it when you tell them their pretending is pretend.
But what I'm saying is that by creating a collective mythology online, the vast majority of realistic BDSMers have been disenfranchised and are not here.
My hope is to make these statements alongside the commonly pretended content and let more than one content be available, even if just in this thread. I am not here to conflict, I am here to contrast. By calling popular myths merely pretending, I am hoping that realism will rise and rival online pretending. I suspect that'll be more attractive and do better than what the online BDSM realm has thus far accomplished. I think sharing realism is going to make better relationships than sharing fantasy, myth, and pretended group-content. I think that would attract a greater portion of the silent BDSM majority of our community and ease the impact derived of the gulf of difference between BDSM reality and online collective pretending.
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