Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Giving References


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Giving References Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Giving References - 6/7/2007 11:45:27 AM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		Personally I dont give or ask for refereces. This isnt a job aplication, if a venilla guy came up to you in a bar and asked you out would you say "OK but I need a list of names and phone numbers of the last 3 girls you dated" LOL good luck on that one. Also not all of us have references because well many of us have never been in a BDSM relationship I know Master is the first man I have ever been collard to. There is no substatute for sitting down face to face and getting to know someone, because while his other relationship may have failed for variouse reasons that doesnt mean that those same reasons would be something that would make you leave him. beeing compatable is so subjectable that takeing onthers word for things just isnt realistic. People often see what they want to see in another person even if it isnt really there!!

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to Archer)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Giving References - 6/7/2007 11:54:16 AM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

Personally I dont give or ask for refereces. This isnt a job aplication, if a venilla guy came up to you in a bar and asked you out would you say "OK but I need a list of names and phone numbers of the last 3 girls you dated" LOL good luck on that one.

Magik's slave


Maybe not but how many don't at least ask the bartender or waitress about the person when they take a trip to the facilities, or ask some other patrons of the bar if they know something about them.
We also get "references" from their freinds, co workers and family, and generally you get a little information about them by following the leads these people give you.
All part of the "Getting to know you" period of every relationship includes gathering information from outside sources in some way.

Not having an extensive list of references does not disqualify someone but it also means I don't have as much information about them as quickly so I'll likely move even slower.

References provide additional information, not all of the information you need. (at least in most cases).


(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Giving References - 6/7/2007 12:04:55 PM   
lapresence


Posts: 94
Joined: 1/24/2007
Status: offline 		~~ fast reply

First, thank you to everyone for your input.  I appreciate all perspectives on this.  I've been in bad situations and I have to confess I agree with with imthatacheyouhav; I feel some obligation to others if I feel that there might be a danger. 

Regardless, I would not share details about mine or her relationship with him.  Merely that the bigget problem I and others have had is x, and while it was difficult to deal with, I didn't have a problem with it.  However, like with anything, in the extreme it could be dangerous, and simply be aware of the fault. 

But I also agree with MasterFireMaam, how I react to him as a Dominant is very different from how another may react.  I've seen that first hand with a sister sub.  I don't feel that his intentions are bad, he's shown me nothing but concern for me even after the release. 

If I felt that the other sub was strong enough to deal with it, I would give my own response and then send them on to her for her to give her own opinion.  But she can't even be friends with me because of my past relationship  with him.  So no doubt, emotional damage was done. 

It certainly would be easiest to simply tell him I don't feel comfortable giving a reference, or even to tell them I don't wish to give a reference at all.  Perhaps it will not come up.  Thank you again everyone. 

(in reply to Archer)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Giving References - 6/7/2007 12:07:07 PM   
WhiplashSmile


Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline 		How about "background checks" and "credit reports" instead of references.  When you contact a reference, you are simply contacting another stranger who you don't know if you can honestly trust or not.

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Giving References - 6/7/2007 12:07:33 PM   
lapresence


Posts: 94
Joined: 1/24/2007
Status: offline 		What about when the Dom is people are not active in the public community? 

(in reply to Archer)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Giving References - 6/7/2007 12:09:40 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		Now honestly, why would the word of a stranger matter..I mean would my word on a sub's "worthiness" really mean anything to any of you who do not know me personally?

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran


(in reply to lapresence)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Giving References - 6/7/2007 12:31:59 PM   
lapresence


Posts: 94
Joined: 1/24/2007
Status: offline 		I understand what you are saying.  I guess I view references as an early warning system.  "Forewarned is forarmed," so to speak.  

Am I going to not consider someone because their ex hated them, especially if they are overly emotional.  Of course not.  If, however, they say "well, he's great, just look out for x."  The danger, of course, is too look too hard and to find that in a person.  I would never expect someone to reject another because of a bad reference, simply to take note of it and go with your gut. 

(in reply to Arpig)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Giving References - 6/7/2007 12:51:59 PM   
sublimelysensual


Posts: 298
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline 		-puts on her flame retardant suit-
 
I see the whole reference thing in the same light I see things like safe calls. When you go somewhere social and meet someone, have a good conversation, exchange numbers..you speak on the phone a few more times, then decide to go on a date. Most people don't set up a safe call in this type of situation, nor do they assume the person is an axe murderer just waiting on their chance. (All of this happening in a public place..going to someone's home or a hotel, and all bets are off.) I don't see that scenario as any different than meeting someone online, talking to them for weeks or months, then arranging to meet them in a public place. Personally speaking, I won't scene with someone until I know them pretty well, (with the possible exception of being at a party and having other people know the Dom/me and their skills), so a safe call is irrelevant at that point. If I haven't figured out they're off the mark that far, I'm probably not going to until they try to kill me, and somehow I don't think they're going to let me make a call before they slit my throat. The safe thing to do is simply not to get yourself into that type of situation to begin with. There are exceptions to the rule (namely thinking about travelling some distance to meet someone), but I put the relevance of references right there in the same category..just my opinion..
 
-a

_____________________________

"To make oneself an object, to make oneself passive, is a very different thing from being a passive object." -Simone De Beauvoir -'The Second Sex'

(in reply to lapresence)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Giving References - 6/7/2007 1:00:21 PM   
lapresence


Posts: 94
Joined: 1/24/2007
Status: offline 		why would anyone flame you for your response?  You state your thesis and make points to back it up.  I can see that. 

Now grant you, I do a safe call.  And you know what else, I let them know I have a safe call that I have to make.  If it's 5 minutes late, then the police will be there very, very soon.  And how I say something will make the difference, and they don't know which is which.  I could tell my safe call, if I say "I am well," things are going fine, no worries, we'll proceed as we agreed before.  Conversely, if I say something like "things are fine here," it means call the police ASAP and give them the info I gave you.  Is it 100% fool proof.  Of course not.  Is it a deterant, I sure as hell hope so. 

Thank you for sharing, and I do see your point. 

(in reply to sublimelysensual)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Giving References - 6/7/2007 1:00:28 PM   
darkinshadows


Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

When people are asking me for "my" references, I generally don't give them a contact name but rather tell them that I am known in this, this and this group. Feel free to ask anyone associated with those groups.

Exactly, this is how I 'work'.  I just don't see the point of naming names.  I give info on what I have done and where I have been and they can find out from the whole selection of people involved and then make an informed choice.
 
Peace


_____________________________
.dark.



...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Giving References - 6/7/2007 1:07:02 PM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lapresence

What about when the Dom is people are not active in the public community? 


Certainly there are folks who dont have a community reference and as I said it doesn't disqualify them. All it means is I have less information about them from outside sources.

In the end you have to make a call based on your judgement of ALL the information you have gathered. Personally I have a rough threshold of information I need to have crossed before I spend any work/play time alone with the person or decide things simply don't look like they will work out.
How quickly or slowly that threshold is met depends on how quickly the information is gathered. References simply bring me to the threshold quicker in most cases. Until then the play/ work time will have to wait, references simply give me additional information sources that can add to the total picture. Without them it just means I'll get to that threshold slower.

(in reply to lapresence)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Giving References - 6/7/2007 1:12:18 PM   
spanklette


Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline 		The only point I've ever seen in giving personal references is for casual play. And, in New Orleans where I had played with a bunch of folks, the references were as objective as possible about their play style. If someone is trying to enter into a relationship with them, well, they're on their own.
 
And, I have found it more meaningful to give group references, as well. You'll get the good the bad and the ugly...plus the good the bad and the ugly about everyone who said a word.  
 
References are always a prime excuse to gossip, so I don't use them for myself...but then again, I no longer play casually.
 
I don't see any use at all for references, as far as entering in to a long term relationship. Use the time you spend with them to create your own point of reference instead of trying to take shortcuts. (That wasn't specifically to the OP, just in general.)

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to lapresence)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Giving References - 6/7/2007 1:20:04 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		When I'm asked about someone I am honest but I put it in terms of my experience.

However you are correct, lapresence, that anyone giving references would probably only select ones that they believe are going to be positive. Much like you would on a resume or CV.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to lapresence)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Giving References - 6/7/2007 1:26:27 PM   
susie


Posts: 1699
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

Now honestly, why would the word of a stranger matter..I mean would my word on a sub's "worthiness" really mean anything to any of you who do not know me personally?


I have always wondered this too. When I met my Master online I was completely new to the lifestyle and knew nobody. Had I asked him for a reference I am not sure that he could have given one. His previous sub (his wife) died. He could possibly have given me some names and email contacts for people he had met previously, but how would I know that I was talking to those people and not fake profiles he set up in order to answer requests like this.

I am not saying people do this but it shows that getting a reference from a stranger is not really worth anything.

(in reply to Arpig)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Giving References - 6/7/2007 1:33:19 PM   
earthycouple


Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav

If i had 1st hand knowledge of a person that was harmful or abusive, and someone asked me about that person....while i wouldn't give the gory details...but i would certainly caution the person who asked me. I think to not do that would be neglectful on my part. *just my take on it.


this isn't a reference, it's a warning...and I'm all for em! *S*

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to imthatacheyouhav)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Giving References - 6/7/2007 2:00:49 PM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Archer

quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

Personally I dont give or ask for refereces. This isnt a job aplication, if a venilla guy came up to you in a bar and asked you out would you say "OK but I need a list of names and phone numbers of the last 3 girls you dated" LOL good luck on that one.

Magik's slave


Maybe not but how many don't at least ask the bartender or waitress about the person when they take a trip to the facilities, or ask some other patrons of the bar if they know something about them.
We also get "references" from their freinds, co workers and family, and generally you get a little information about them by following the leads these people give you.
All part of the "Getting to know you" period of every relationship includes gathering information from outside sources in some way.

Not having an extensive list of references does not disqualify someone but it also means I don't have as much information about them as quickly so I'll likely move even slower.

References provide additional information, not all of the information you need. (at least in most cases).




Sir I wouldnt know that I dont hang out in bars, but in school when a guy has asked me out I eather am interested and accept and get to know him on my own (really only my opinion about the guy matters) or Im uniterested and I dont accept and then it doesnt matter.

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to Archer)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Giving References - 6/7/2007 2:10:11 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		Then you've been talking to the wrong people.

quote:

ORIGINAL: lapresence

I have always been told that references were important.

(in reply to lapresence)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Giving References - 6/7/2007 2:19:40 PM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		All a reference does is to say that he or she knows someone that will take the trouble to supply one. Which I suppose helps a little but not a lot.

(in reply to earthycouple)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Giving References - 6/7/2007 2:20:15 PM   
slaverosebeauty


Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline 		I have referances, I offer them to a potential partner who I am serious about. I have asked for referances before and checked them. For me, my referances are people who I HAVE had relationships with and are friends with; we made/make better friends than lifestyle partners. I also offer a list of groups I am on and/or sites, where I have profiles and/or posts. One of my FAVORITE questions to ask while getting to know someone is, "what would you last girlfriend/partner tell me about you? The good & the bad?"

Persoanlly its a BIG red flag if someone doesn't have them or when I ask, if they say 'no.' What are they hiding? Are they really that new? Are they married? etc. Even if its just referances from lifetsyle friends. Besides, I also check more than just referances before I get into a  regular/steady relationship with someone, I'm cautious, I have to be, at the end of the day, my responsibility is to go home to my son; Not the morgue.  

My current partner an I have not discussed referances, we have known eachother for years though, if he wants referances, sure, he can have them, I have nothing to hide.

_____________________________

http://slaverosebeauty.livejournal.com/

"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Giving References - 6/7/2007 2:23:16 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I don't get the part about references being so important and flaggy but yet not with your current partner?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to slaverosebeauty)
Profile   Post #: 40
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Giving References Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.078