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RE: Giving References - 6/7/2007 8:41:50 PM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		The Southern Subs room no longer exists and I gave up chat rooms, like you, a few years ago, but I was AlphaSynapse on AOL before. There are others from AOL who are friends on CM under other names.

To the others who wonder what this has to do with references, the point is that the room references often became a means of bragging about whom you had played with to the chagrin of the person contacted.

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: Giving References - 6/7/2007 8:44:09 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Not to mention the "couples screen names" which changed monthly.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to ExSteelAgain)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: Giving References - 6/7/2007 8:48:56 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		FR:

I met my first dominant in an aol chatroom nearly 8 years ago.  I have to admit (even tho I don't want to) that the fact that others from that room knew him realtime did influence my decision to meet with him and continue on in relationship with him.  I was completely new to the room and the "lifestyle" and as it turns out the people in that room were not exactly the best judges of character.  The guy turned out to be quite a jerk-off, but given the fact that he knew others from the room and had 'played' with others who were still alive, it made me feel safe in the physical sense.  Of course I realize now that's simply not enough, but at the time, it meant alot to me....it actually was the most important thing to me at that time; being able to explore my submission without fear of being injured.  He was extremely sadistic, probably not the best choice for my first time, but I knew he wasn't insane and would not harm me physically.  So for that purpose, it's a bit of a comfort to know other people who have been with someone and to know that they came home safe in one piece.   However,  I would never go out of my way to ask someone for references; that would feel ridiculous to me.  

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marie.


I give good agita.









(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: Giving References - 6/7/2007 9:21:23 PM   
goodgirl85


Posts: 221
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline 		I think Creative Dominant said it the best in post number 20. Talking and personal observation are the best ways to go. I don't do references. I don't think I would decline to give them if asked but I wouldn't offer them nor ask for them. My main reason for this is people change. The person he is today may not be the person he was in the last relationship/arrangement he had. He may have changed because of the other person or because of otehr life alterating events.

You don't get references in vanilla relationships, you learn about them from them, and then it is backed up when the time comes for you to meet his/fer friends and family. I think I would cry, honestly, if I recieved a phone call, email, or IM asking to give a reference for my EX. It would be like a blow, pretty much the same thing as seeing an ex with his new partner and even finding out they are more serious then the two of you ever were.

I don't think I could give a reference fro my ex, simply because He is no longer the man I fell in love in with. He changed a lot, as did I.

References are mere fragments of a persons past. A person can change, multiple times thru his/her lifetime. The only way you can learn about a person is by getting to know them, and having it backed up by listening and paying attention to the constants or in some cases inconstanties in people's stories and when meeting friends and family of said person. And this goes for vanilla and BDSM relationships

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 64
RE: Giving References - 6/8/2007 1:49:51 AM   
LadyHeart


Posts: 561
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		In a relationship, whether D/s or vanilla, emotions are involved, and it's impossible to be logical about emotions, which are not by their nature, logical. A "reference" is therefore of limited value in such situations. Anyway, one man's meat is another man's poison. The behaviour you hated may just what the next person is looking for.

Where it is more reasonable to ask for or to give references is in a mentoring situation where the connection is more cerebral and less personal. I would certainly want to know a little about someone's background before accepting their their assistance, even if it wasn't as formal as a reference, and I am happy to have my background checked up on by someone seeking my input.

:))
LH

_____________________________

"BDSM is not an excuse for bad manners."

(in reply to goodgirl85)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: Giving References - 6/8/2007 12:26:57 PM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		Also what if these people that we are giveing as references dont want people to know they are into BDSM that they havent desided should know I mean i come here everyone here Knows Im a slave but they dont know who I am for real dont have any of my personal info or anything els if all of a sudden im getting phone calls from strange women asking about one of my X's Id be pissed and feel like my privacy had been invaded. I know you could say have them contact me through here, but I know if I ever did feel the need to get references an e-mail adress would do nothing to apease my mind, they could be anyone who knows if they are who the person says they are so an e-mail would not make me beleave what I was hearing was real and Id be in no better of a place then i was to start. I mean he could be sending you to talk to anyone someone pretending to have played with him so as to ease your mind (that could happen with a phone call too) But I would want to know WHO the actual reference was name and everything so that I could judge if the reference was any good. Knowing that I would feel that way Im sure others would to, and I DONT want anyone giveing out my personal info at all aspecialy not with haveing to do with BDSM i want to keep anonamouse when it comes to that as I cant aford to be outed. Also what if they dont want to be botherd by strangers asking for info on their ex' there are many reasons why the person given as a reference would rather be left out of things. I know I would.

Magik's slave

< Message edited by MagiksSlave -- 6/8/2007 12:32:04 PM >

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to LadyHeart)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: Giving References - 6/8/2007 1:17:53 PM   
kc692


Posts: 3701
Joined: 3/24/2005
Status: offline 		````Fast Reply````` I have never worried about getting references in the past, but my last experience has left me wondering why not, and I know I will want references the next time.  It amazes me how many (including myself) have not or do not ask for them.  Everyone knows that there may be a spiteful one in the bunch but for those on both sides of the kneel and have had more than one BDSM relationship and cannot provide at least one reference should throw up a pink flag.

_____________________________

Anyone can overpower; not many can INSPIRE.....

This is only MY opinion. If it's not yours, let's agree in advance to agree to disagree, OR, you can just get the fuck over what I had to say:)

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: Giving References - 6/8/2007 7:18:59 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lapresence

If I were to give a reference for this man in the future, I wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing what I didn’t observe first hand, but followed to an extreme, his fault could wreck havoc with another person.  I’m not sure what the correct course of action would be here.  Any advice? 


take the course of action that allows you to look yourself in the mirror.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to lapresence)
Profile   Post #: 68
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