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Is is wrong for a sub to demand his/her's desire - 6/10/2007 4:02:47 PM

analneeds

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In this lifestyle we have roles, and we recieve satifaction from playing within thoses roles. My question is what if you desire something is is wrong to demand it or is that too selfish?

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RE: Is is wrong for a sub to demand his/her's desire - 6/10/2007 4:19:32 PM

Politesub53

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To ask for is fine, i dont think a submissive should demand anything though. Its all about communication and finding someone with the same likes as yourself.

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RE: Is is wrong for a sub to demand his/her's desire - 6/10/2007 4:21:30 PM

imthatacheyouhav

Posts: 1259
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quote:

ORIGINAL: analneeds

In this lifestyle we have roles, and we recieve satifaction from playing within thoses roles. My question is what if you desire something is is wrong to demand it or is that too selfish?

The short answer is yes.

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RE: Is is wrong for a sub to demand his/her's desire - 6/10/2007 4:34:23 PM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
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Demand? Yes...
Make desires known? No.
But then I am of the camp that we are not role playing, we are living our natural roles.

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RE: Is is wrong for a sub to demand his/her's desire - 6/10/2007 4:40:47 PM

needDomme

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i agree. A slave does not demand. s/he politely and subtly lets his/her owner know of his/her desires. That is all a sub/slave can hope for.

need

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RE: Is is wrong for a sub to demand his/her's desire - 6/10/2007 4:53:29 PM

corysub

Posts: 1492
Joined: 1/1/2004
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I think when a sub even begins to think about making a "demand" of his/her Master/Mistress, it is time to rethink
the relationship. Heck, even a plain vanilla husband would get away with "making demands" of his wife, unless
she was a total limp noodle. While there may be D/s relationships where such a conversation might take place,
I can't imagine any Domme I have know that would tolerate a "demand" from a sub which some might even think is "topping from the bottom".
cory

(in reply to analneeds)

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RE: Is is wrong for a sub to demand his/her's desire - 6/10/2007 5:12:18 PM

Elorin

Posts: 970
Joined: 8/22/2004
From: San Antonio, TX
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There are two sides of this.
First, before you get in a relationship. That is when you set the parameters of what is acceptable. Of course it is reasonable for you to demand getting your "wish list" before you engage in a relationship. You, after all, know what will make you happy. You can refuse to engage in relationships with those who don't do poly, who aren't Christian, who don't do anal sex, who have any incompatibilities you desire.

Once you form the relationship, to demand to get one of those needs met RIGHT NOW is unreasonable. You established that you can get those needs, you started the relationship, and you can say "I need this" but to start demanding when and where you get it means that you are the one in control, not the dominant.

~E

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RE: Is is wrong for a sub to demand his/her's desire - 6/10/2007 8:50:54 PM

addicted2it

Posts: 322
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From: California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Politesub53

To ask for is fine, i dont think a submissive should demand anything though. Its all about communication and finding someone with the same likes as yourself.

Don't even ask, but wait for Her to allow you to express your fantasies.

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(in reply to Politesub53)

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RE: Is is wrong for a sub to demand his/her's desire - 6/10/2007 9:09:59 PM

MsCfromMelbourne

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Well, I agree no-one likes a demanding partner. This is tricky

You do have the right to demand food, shelter, medical treatment, respect for your limits, respect for your feelings, clear two-way communication, adherence to agreed rules of the relationship (eg monogamy or safe sex), agreed rules of enagement to resolve conflict and lots of other things grown ups need (not want, need) to make relationships work

Just think through carefully what you will do if your demand is not met - are you prepared to walk? Maybe you should

However it is always better to try persuasion first and even - if truly desparate - manipulation before making demands. Demands are not appreciated by Dominants becuase we like to graciously give you what you need, not have it wrenched from us. We dont like power struggles with subs/slaves, but we are not infallible. Sometimes we are just plain wrong and need to be told.

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RE: Is is wrong for a sub to demand his/her's desire - 6/10/2007 9:14:21 PM

LadyHeart

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Any sub who starts being demanding get short shift from me.
But a sub recently sent me a lovely story, a fantasy he had written about a scene that really turned him on. Is he likely to get his heart's desire? Oh yes!
It's not what's asked, it's HOW it's asked. Use your imagination, and remove the word "demand" from your vocabulary, lol
:))
LH

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RE: Is is wrong for a sub to demand his/her's desire - 6/10/2007 10:24:23 PM

addicted2it

Posts: 322
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From: California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHeart

Any sub who starts being demanding get short shift from me.
But a sub recently sent me a lovely story, a fantasy he had written about a scene that really turned him on. Is he likely to get his heart's desire? Oh yes!
It's not what's asked, it's HOW it's asked. Use your imagination, and remove the word "demand" from your vocabulary, lol
:))
LH

The essence of a Femmedomme/submissive relationship revolves around the Femmedomme and not the submissive or slave. A submissive may ask, but a slave can only hope that his or her questions will be allowed to be asked and answered.

Demands from a submissive are NEVER a good indicator of a successful relationship.
And as LadyHart has indicated, the word "demand" should not even enter the mind of a submissive. The only demand should come from the Femmedomme Herself.

But offering up a story or fantasy just might illicit a favorable response. So, subs and slaves listen up! Be creative, but remember to always be respectful!

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(in reply to LadyHeart)

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RE: Is is wrong for a sub to demand his/her's desire - 6/10/2007 10:53:11 PM

HeavansKeeper

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Every now and then I like to quell My Pet... She tends to get out of line if I am lax with the discipline, and eventually will begin to demand. It's like watching lions fight... But once she's been bested, she knows better than to demand.

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RE: Is is wrong for a sub to demand his/her's desire - 6/11/2007 4:36:12 AM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
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quote:

ORIGINAL: analneeds

In this lifestyle we have roles, and we recieve satifaction from playing within thoses roles. My question is what if you desire something is is wrong to demand it or is that too selfish?

Something you desire isn't the same as something you need - if you browse around, there's a lot of wants vs. needs discussions. It's important for you to figure out what you need in a relationship vs. what would be nice, but not necessary in one - then seek out a partner who has the same basic concepts of needs and wants.

As far as a submissive demanding things he desires - if you identify as a submissive (as opposed a bottom or a kinky sex partner), then you're basically saying that in your heart you really want to put the dominant's wants and needs first, which really leaves out the demanding what YOU desire, eh? But again, you need to put in the groundwork of finding someone who has similiar interests as you do.

There's a lot of people that identify as submissive out there, but what it boils down to is that they want someone to participate in activities x, y, and z with them. There's nothing wrong with having that approach to all of this but it isn't submission.

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RE: Is is wrong for a sub to demand his/her's desire - 6/11/2007 5:48:56 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: analneeds

In this lifestyle we have roles, and we recieve satifaction from playing within thoses roles. My question is what if you desire something is is wrong to demand it or is that too selfish?

I think the place to lay out your needs and desires is in the getting to know you stage and definitely in the negotiations.

Since I see submission as time limited any way I think it is perfectly find then to bring up these desires and needs then outside of the Ds time.

But even if one is a slave (using my definition of the word only) you need to be able to communicate these desires and needs. If needs aren't being met, remember, you have the legal right to work in most western civilizations. If desires aren't being met sadly I personally think you are stuck at that point (again you can always walk away from the relationship) but I also think only a very foolish owner does not see to it that a slave's desires are fulfilled from time to time.

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RE: Is is wrong for a sub to demand his/her's desire - 6/11/2007 10:11:58 AM

daniL

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My girl has a bit of a princess complex, which we're training her out of [slowly, but surely, I tell myself, slowly but surely

]. When she demands, out of sheer habit, I generally raise an eyebrow and wait for her to remember not to do it. She remembers fairly quickly. However, if it was a demand that really meant 'this is something that I need in a relationship that I'm not getting', I would call a sort of time-out to sit and talk about this. The demand could be a desperation move--not saying that it should be tolerated, because a sub/slave should ask or wait to be asked [depending on the relationship]-- and so whether or not its a need that isn't being met needs to be explored.

However, I am in a LTR romantic relationship with my girl, and I'm sure if it wasn't a romantic relationship, my patience would have been worn a bit thinner...so which situation are you dealing with here? Trying asking, and if its a need you really need to be filled, ask to sit down and talk about it as two people. Then you can say 'I need this from you...'

(in reply to thetammyjo)

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RE: Is is wrong for a sub to demand his/her's desire - 6/11/2007 12:17:06 PM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: analneeds

In this lifestyle we have roles, and we recieve satifaction from playing within thoses roles. My question is what if you desire something is is wrong to demand it or is that too selfish?

In the context of bdsm, it's my way or the highway. When it comes to a man's fantasy, it's my role to manipulate and massage them and use them as tools for my own pleasure. The balance for male subs is finding out how to share this information without sounding like they are giving a wish list. In reality, I think too many sub men worry too much about this and end up spilling their beans prematurely in fear their own fantasies and fetishes will be left behind. In my opinion, any femdom worth her weight, who is acting on her own desires, will *ALWAYS* peel the onion. More importantly, she WANTS to be the one doing the peeling, and to have a sub guy just start blurting it all out ruins the moment for both.

Some femdoms may be direct and want to just flat out ask, "Tell me your fantasies," or "what do you think about x act?" - others may like to uncover it during interaction (that's my style); but either way, the sub leaving it in her hands is the best way. It gives her an opportunity to take control. It's impossible to feel like something was your idea when a guy is dropping hints 24/7 about his desires. You don't want to make a woman sick of your fetish before she's even had a chance to try it; or, worse, make her feel like she is a means to an end.

Akasha

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RE: Is is wrong for a sub to demand his/her's desire - 6/11/2007 12:57:09 PM

MistressDolly

Posts: 917
Joined: 8/24/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: analneeds

In this lifestyle we have roles, and we recieve satifaction from playing within thoses roles. My question is what if you desire something is is wrong to demand it or is that too selfish?

Ask, but don't expect her to grant your requests.

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m i s t r e s s d o l l y . c o m

m y s p a c e

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RE: Is is wrong for a sub to demand his/her's desire - 6/11/2007 12:59:37 PM

addicted2it

Posts: 322
Joined: 5/31/2004
From: California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: analneeds

In this lifestyle we have roles, and we recieve satifaction from playing within thoses roles. My question is what if you desire something is is wrong to demand it or is that too selfish?

In the context of bdsm, it's my way or the highway. When it comes to a man's fantasy, it's my role to manipulate and massage them and use them as tools for my own pleasure. The balance for male subs is finding out how to share this information without sounding like they are giving a wish list. In reality, I think too many sub men worry too much about this and end up spilling their beans prematurely in fear their own fantasies and fetishes will be left behind. In my opinion, any femdom worth her weight, who is acting on her own desires, will *ALWAYS* peel the onion. More importantly, she WANTS to be the one doing the peeling, and to have a sub guy just start blurting it all out ruins the moment for both.

Some femdoms may be direct and want to just flat out ask, "Tell me your fantasies," or "what do you think about x act?" - others may like to uncover it during interaction (that's my style); but either way, the sub leaving it in her hands is the best way. It gives her an opportunity to take control. It's impossible to feel like something was your idea when a guy is dropping hints 24/7 about his desires. You don't want to make a woman sick of your fetish before she's even had a chance to try it; or, worse, make her feel like she is a means to an end.

Akasha

In my many dealings with femdoms, it is my practice never to broach the subject of my fantasies, wants or needs. Instead, I am quite content with her willingness to lead the conversation and establish guidelines for me to follow. Without this component of the femdom/submissive or femdom/slave relationship, the whole exercise would be totally futile and lacking in intensity.

IMO, there are certain protocals and manners of behavior that should always be followed, for this is really the basis of who we are and what we do in this lifestyle. And therefore, if one is unwilling to play according to the rules, then by all means, get out of the game!

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RE: Is is wrong for a sub to demand his/her's desire - 6/11/2007 1:02:32 PM

LightHeartedMaam

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Inform, never demand.

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RE: Is is wrong for a sub to demand his/her's desire - 6/11/2007 1:29:20 PM

MsBearlee

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I agree with Dusty...

...and, I wonder if the OP is related to the OP on the other Anal-thread this afternoon?

That is a most interesting profile you have there..............for a submissive.
B

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This one, as well!

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