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Crossing a line..... - 6/15/2007 4:18:59 PM   
slaverosebeauty


Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline 		I am a flirt. I enjoy flirting, its kinda part of my job at work and its part of my personality, not to mention its part of what I do moonlighting {modeling.. you flirt with people in emails}, all very harmless.

MJ knows I flirt.  He accepts it and He understands it, because at the end of the day or when I am NOT around others I am ALL about Him, and even when I am emailing others, I am STILL thinking about Him.  If my flirting bothered Him, I know He would tell me.  I don't cross that 'line' or disrespect MJ in what I do, I keep things very basic and very tame when I flirt with everyone, excluding MJ of course.

My problem, earlier this week a buddy of mine gave me a massage, with MJ's permission, He laid down a few 'ground rules' {no inapporprate touching, no 'fondeling,' keep my 'sensative places' safe - places on my back that make me drop to my knees, etc; normal stuff} and the guy who gave me the massage ended up crossing a few lines, I called MJ and told Him about it and He told me He was/is NOT mad at me, and the He doesn't want me alone with this person until further notice.  Easy.  Done.

My buddy is NOT in lifestyle, but, MJ and I ARE. I explained our 'relationship dynamic' {Mj and I don't keep secrets, we talk, He makes the 'final' decision, I defer to Him whenever possible or neccessary, how I basically 'belong' to MJ, we have a VERY trusting relationship, etc} as best as I could to my friend BEFORE I saw him, as well as MJ's rules; he said he understood and respected that; like I said, he didn't.

Enter the NEW problem, my buddy keeps hitting on me.  I don't mean harmless flirting, I mean remarks that really bother me, to the point that I told him I would NOT talk to him until AFTER MJ an I talk, since he insists on crossing the line.  My buddy's latest IM, "be honest i turn u on and u want me and it scares u". That was the most tame in the last few hours. I just kept ignorning him. The ones before that were along the lines of cyber-sex activities {yuck}, I just kept closing the screen and went invisible to him, and no response.

How have others dealt with this sorta stuff in the past as far as 'friends' crossing those lines? To the Top-Types, did you blame your bottom-type for those inapproprate advances and remarks that were made? What was the course of action taken? How did it work out?

MJ has NOT said any of what happened was my fault, after Monday night we have not talked about it; I won't bring it up, but, since the newest 'stuff' I will talk to Him tonight.  I don't want to lose a friend, but, it looks like I may have too.  My relationship with MJ is more important than a friendship with someone who crosses those lines.

_____________________________

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"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Crossing a line..... - 6/15/2007 4:27:49 PM   
MamaDomme


Posts: 283
Joined: 12/28/2006
Status: offline 		A person that repeatedly disrespects you cannot really be a true friend.  I think that if I were in the same situation, I would probably do a block and delete from my buddy list.

(in reply to slaverosebeauty)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Crossing a line..... - 6/15/2007 4:31:14 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		This has nothing to do with Ds and everything to do with being respectful to a friend.  You've expressed your boundaries, he is ignoring them.  Thus he completely disrespects you and the relationship you have together.

Distancing yourself seems the best way to get the point across.

Oh and I've never gotten pissed or been pissed at someone for anothers indiscretions, as long as I've made sure to do the sensible things and informed the other person of the boundaries.  Nor would I step in and be the bodyguard- it's their friend.  I might advise them to distance themselves, but they are the ones who must inform their friends and maintain the boundaries I set.  I really don't want or like subs who would have to run to me to do that for them.

< Message edited by LuckyAlbatross -- 6/15/2007 4:37:51 PM >

_____________________________

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Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Crossing a line..... - 6/15/2007 4:33:18 PM   
octavia


Posts: 377
Joined: 5/20/2007
Status: offline 		I understand your dilemma.  It is always a disappointment for me when i find out that someone isn't who i thought they were.  Your friends insistance on crossing those lines with you, seems pretty persistant.  apparently he is just your friend but he sees you as more.  I have been told before that women can decide not to date and just "be friends" but that men can't.  If they agree to that, what they are really doing is waiting. 

Just my humble opinion as always,
octavia

(in reply to MamaDomme)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Crossing a line..... - 6/15/2007 5:18:07 PM   
PlayfulOne


Posts: 1047
Status: offline 		I would never get upset at my ppartner because someone else did something.

All tyoui can do is ignore your friend and hopefully he will behave himself,  if not well he really wasn't much of a friend if he can't repect your wishes and relationship.

(in reply to octavia)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Crossing a line..... - 6/15/2007 5:35:14 PM   
jmslilbytch


Posts: 26
Joined: 3/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: octavia
I have been told before that women can decide not to date and just "be friends" but that men can't.  If they agree to that, what they are really doing is waiting. 

Just my humble opinion as always,
octavia


I agree with you, except women can be the same way. When I was younger I thought I had male friends. Then JMS opened my eyes. It was nothing more than them waiting around and hoping for more. Try telling one of them they can't touch you or that you don't do hugs anymore and see what they do. They usually act like little brats and storm off. LOL
Rose, to me he wouldn't be considered a friend. As already stated, what he has displayed in his behavior is total disrespect, not only for you but for your Sir. As for JMS getting upset with me for someone else's actions, no. That is as long as I hadn't contributed to the situation in the first place, ie. flirting, being where I was suppose to be, etc.

(in reply to octavia)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Crossing a line..... - 6/15/2007 5:42:24 PM   
HaveRopeWillBind


Posts: 514
Joined: 7/15/2006
Status: offline 		Rose,
He stopped being a friend when he chose to cross the boundaries you had clearly laid out. You don't have to worry about losing a friend as he has already taken himself out of that category.

(in reply to slaverosebeauty)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Crossing a line..... - 6/15/2007 5:43:47 PM   
imthatacheyouhav


Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline 		Awww...geez, i hate when some guys do this...and ruin perfectly good friendships...i have never been blamed for having advances made toward me...but i have had a friends cross that line...it always gave me a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach....just before i KNEW what was coming...i am sorry for your troubles...my sincerest wish is that you and your Master strengthen because of this.

_____________________________

*if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything*
**collared July 22 2007 by LordKen**

(in reply to slaverosebeauty)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Crossing a line..... - 6/15/2007 5:52:38 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaverosebeauty

I am a flirt. I enjoy flirting, its kinda part of my job at work and its part of my personality, not to mention its part of what I do moonlighting {modeling.. you flirt with people in emails}, all very harmless.

MJ knows I flirt. He accepts it and He understands it, because at the end of the day or when I am NOT around others I am ALL about Him, and even when I am emailing others, I am STILL thinking about Him. If my flirting bothered Him, I know He would tell me. I don't cross that 'line' or disrespect MJ in what I do, I keep things very basic and very tame when I flirt with everyone, excluding MJ of course.

My problem, earlier this week a buddy of mine gave me a massage, with MJ's permission, He laid down a few 'ground rules' {no inapporprate touching, no 'fondeling,' keep my 'sensative places' safe - places on my back that make me drop to my knees, etc; normal stuff} and the guy who gave me the massage ended up crossing a few lines, I called MJ and told Him about it and He told me He was/is NOT mad at me, and the He doesn't want me alone with this person until further notice. Easy. Done.

My buddy is NOT in lifestyle, but, MJ and I ARE. I explained our 'relationship dynamic' {Mj and I don't keep secrets, we talk, He makes the 'final' decision, I defer to Him whenever possible or neccessary, how I basically 'belong' to MJ, we have a VERY trusting relationship, etc} as best as I could to my friend BEFORE I saw him, as well as MJ's rules; he said he understood and respected that; like I said, he didn't.

Enter the NEW problem, my buddy keeps hitting on me. I don't mean harmless flirting, I mean remarks that really bother me, to the point that I told him I would NOT talk to him until AFTER MJ an I talk, since he insists on crossing the line. My buddy's latest IM, "be honest i turn u on and u want me and it scares u". That was the most tame in the last few hours. I just kept ignorning him. The ones before that were along the lines of cyber-sex activities {yuck}, I just kept closing the screen and went invisible to him, and no response.

How have others dealt with this sorta stuff in the past as far as 'friends' crossing those lines? To the Top-Types, did you blame your bottom-type for those inapproprate advances and remarks that were made? What was the course of action taken? How did it work out?

MJ has NOT said any of what happened was my fault, after Monday night we have not talked about it; I won't bring it up, but, since the newest 'stuff' I will talk to Him tonight. I don't want to lose a friend, but, it looks like I may have too. My relationship with MJ is more important than a friendship with someone who crosses those lines.


I really have not got a lot to add. You have admitted that you are a flirt. I am a flirt also. I know that I am and I make it clear to anyone who knows me that I am.

But I know where MY OWN line is. When I am involved with someone, I always make it clear to others that I am involved and that the line may or may not be drawn back a little (it depends on where it had been mutually established to begin with). If they cross that line, I make it clear I do not appreciate it. If they cross it again, then I tell them that I will not engage in interactions with them until they learn and understand that I mean it.

A friend respects your boundaries. What has come before doesn't matter, though I will say it should be kept in mind when deciding where the new line is. For example...If he has been a former lover...then allowing him to do massage might not be the best thing. If you were engaged to her at one time, then going out for coffee and pie and a walk in the park might not be the best thing. That does not mean that lines would be crossed or that the ones setting the lines could not be faithful to their now-partners, it is just a recognition of many factors. That said, a real friend understand those boundaries and respects them.

(in reply to slaverosebeauty)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Crossing a line..... - 6/15/2007 5:53:37 PM   
Politesub53


Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MamaDomme

A person that repeatedly disrespects you cannot really be a true friend.  I think that if I were in the same situation, I would probably do a block and delete from my buddy list.


Totally agree, if he constantly disprepects your wishes, and forget for a minute you have  a partner, if a friend cant respect YOU, he or she needs to be history.

(in reply to MamaDomme)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Crossing a line..... - 6/15/2007 8:56:33 PM   
slaverosebeauty


Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline 		Thank you everyone for the feedback.  MJ an I spoke after I posted earlier, an I told Him what was going on and how I felt, a few decisions were made that my 'friend' - I was to remove him from my myspace friends list {done} - that will send a message lound and clear; send an off-line message stating that he did cross a line and that right now its best that we NOT be a friends until he can act like an adult and respect my relationship {done}; ignore his text messages {none so far}.  This should get the point through that a line was crossed; cold turkey basically.  Mj said he is NOT mad at me, He is glad that I came to Him and told Him what was going on.  My relationship with MJ is MUCH more important to me than a friendship with someone who does not respect my relationship with MJ.

Myabe in a few weeks when I possibly return emails or text messages my buddy will have more respect, if not, I can walk away from that friendship without any guilt.

_____________________________

http://slaverosebeauty.livejournal.com/

"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."

(in reply to Politesub53)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Crossing a line..... - 6/15/2007 9:02:33 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		It would seem that this is one of those situations where you would call upon your collar of protection to help you.

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Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Crossing a line..... - 6/15/2007 9:13:37 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		You allowed a buddy of yours to give you a massage. A buddy who I assume you flirt with or I don't know why that detail would have been relevant to this discussion. You informed him of the boundaries. He crossed several of them. You didn't stop him or remove yourself promptly from the situation at the first boundary crossed and allowed him to continue on and cross several others. You now want to send him a clear message that he needs to start acting like an adult?

Did I read on another thread that you counsel other women how to deal with issues of abuse, crossed boundaries and relationships?

The best way to get people to act like adults is to act like one yourself and not say things or set boundaries that you are incapable of or unwilling to enforce.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to slaverosebeauty)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Crossing a line..... - 6/15/2007 9:14:41 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		This is obviously why you need a collar of protection.  Did you run the idea of the massage past the people who are supposed to protect you?  It was a really, really bad idea. It shows poor judgement to even allow it to happen.  Why does someone need to have a friend of the opposite sex give them a massage?

Let's see in the ol' "Domiguy Handbook on How to Get Some Pussy."

Yep, right there in Chapter Two....Titled...."The Harmless Massage, The Gateway to Trim."

Didn't anyone ever see Pulp Fiction?

Jules: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... stop right there. Eatin' a bitch out, and givin' a bitch a foot massage ain't even the same fuckin' thing.
Vincent: It's not. It's the same ballpark.
Jules: Ain't no fuckin' ballpark neither. Now look, maybe your method of massage differs from mine, but, you know, touchin' his wife's feet, and stickin' your tongue in her Holiest of Holies, ain't the same fuckin' ballpark, it ain't the same league, it ain't even the same fuckin' sport. Look, foot massages don't mean shit.
Vincent: Have you ever given a foot massage?
Jules: [scoffs] Don't be tellin' me about foot massages. I'm the foot fuckin' master.
Vincent: Given a lot of 'em?
Jules: Shit yeah. I got my technique down and everything, I don't be ticklin' or nothin'.
Vincent: Would you give a guy a foot massage?
[Jules gives Vincent a long look, realizing he's been set up]
Jules: Fuck you.
Vincent: You give them a lot?
Jules: Fuck you.
Vincent: You know, I'm getting kinda tired. I could use a foot massage myself.
Jules: Man, you best back off, I'm gittin' a little pissed here
Jules: Look, just because I don't be givin' no man a foot massage don't make it right for Marsellus to throw Antwan into a glass motherfuckin' house fuckin' up the way the nigger talks. Motherfucker do that shit to me, he better paralyze my ass cuz I'll kill the motherfucker, know what I'm sayin'?
Vincent: I ain't saying it's right. But you're saying a foot massage don't mean nothing, and I'm saying it does. Now look, I've given a million ladies a million foot massages, and they all meant something. We act like they don't, but they do, and that's what's so fucking cool about them. There's a sensuous thing going on where you don't talk about it, but you know it, she knows it, fucking Marsellus knew it, and Antwan should have fucking better known better. I mean, that's his fucking wife, man. He can't be expected to have a sense of humor about that shit. You know what I'm saying?
Jules: That's an interesting point. Come on, let's get into character.

A massage is never harmless when given by someone you are not paying or have never fucked.

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Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Crossing a line..... - 6/15/2007 9:14:58 PM   
fairerthanshe


Posts: 3035
Joined: 1/18/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

It would seem that this is one of those situations where you would call upon your collar of protection to help you.


It's done wonders for me!


_____________________________

The Nuclear Bomb of Awesome, rockin' the MoFo Hawk, still a bad-ass with a bouncy attitude, and spreading joy as a predator in Hello Kitty panties

Recently honored with membership in the West Coast Assholes

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Crossing a line..... - 6/15/2007 9:19:58 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		Be quiet baby, you're crampin' my style....lol.

< Message edited by domiguy -- 6/15/2007 9:42:04 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Crossing a line..... - 6/15/2007 9:37:57 PM   
Llyren


Posts: 637
Joined: 3/5/2007
From: Illinois
Status: offline 		You might just want to tell him, should you ever speak to him, that you are incapable of desiring anyone who is incapable of spelling the word "you". 




_____________________________

I'm not perving. I'm compensating for my myopia. So nyah.


Member of Cock-Suckers for World Peace

"Character is what you are in the dark."

- Lord John Whorfin

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Crossing a line..... - 6/15/2007 10:16:15 PM   
slaverosebeauty


Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
You allowed a buddy of yours to give you a massage. A buddy who I assume you flirt with or I don't know why that detail would have been relevant to this discussion. You informed him of the boundaries. He crossed several of them. You didn't stop him or remove yourself promptly from the situation at the first boundary crossed and allowed him to continue on and cross several others. You now want to send him a clear message that he needs to start acting like an adult?

Did I read on another thread that you counsel other women how to deal with issues of abuse, crossed boundaries and relationships?

The best way to get people to act like adults is to act like one yourself and not say things or set boundaries that you are incapable of or unwilling to enforce.


Since no one on this list was able to read my off-site blog {or possibly would have} about this right after it happened, stating that I DID remove myself from the situation, I see why you jumped to conclusions. The massage had ground rules set up, agreed on, and when those rules were stepped over, I removed myself from the situation. Then earlier, other boundaries were crossed; and now handled.

I councel women who are in relationships with drug addicts and who have been raped. Things that I have experience with. Don't put words in my mouth.

_____________________________

http://slaverosebeauty.livejournal.com/

"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Crossing a line..... - 6/15/2007 10:20:47 PM   
slaverosebeauty


Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Llyren
You might just want to tell him, should you ever speak to him, that you are incapable of desiring anyone who is incapable of spelling the word "you". 


He an I could ONLY be friends; period, never anything more. I am not attracted to him; besides, I am in a healthy relationship with a Man that I care about.

_____________________________

http://slaverosebeauty.livejournal.com/

"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."

(in reply to Llyren)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Crossing a line..... - 6/15/2007 10:34:35 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		If you had indeed removed yourself from the situation as you say...there would not have been an opportunity to cross a second line.

I didn't put any words in your mouth. If you are doing drug or assault counseling you have to deal with issues such as abuse, boundaries and relationships.

I find you an odd candidate to be counseling as the things you have expressed here and on your other blogs would indicate that you don't seem to have a very good handle on your own life or are capable of handling things as simple as questions with a high degree of maturity. What gives me further pause is that your own accounting of incidents in your life reveal a consistently repeating pattern of men doing you wrong and that this is a pattern that is continuing as is evidenced by this very thread. Those are not exactly the qualifications I would desire if I were going to select a candidate for a position to counsel others.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to slaverosebeauty)
Profile   Post #: 20
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