Criminal BackGround Part 2 (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion



Message

truesub4u -> Criminal BackGround Part 2 (6/18/2007 7:16:48 AM)

I was re-reading the other thread on Criminal History and posted my thoughts on it as well. And to not hi-jack the thread, thought I would toss this out here.

Now we've prettty much established ones rights on if they should be allowed to be prevy to this information.

But when? When are you within your rights to this information. Let alone, when do you feel it is your right to know?

Before a first meeting...or after ? Before a first time play or after ?

There's that mention of trust. But how far are you willing to trrust someone with this type of information? You trust them to tell you the truth. They trust you to accept it as the gospel truth.  Who will be the first one to break that trust and do a background check on the other person?

Geeky admits to background check prior to a first meeting, because she has things in her life that could be jepordized. And I still say kudos to her for protecting herself and her interest.

But seriously... when do you think it's time to ask... and or feel you do not trust and do a background check on this person you are about to let into your life. Either on a part time basis.. or full time.

As for myself... to a point.... i'm trusting. But since I take the snail way into relationships... talking .. either IMs, e-mails, Phone. I talk about things.. all things. I look for and listen for wordings. Little things.  And when bringing up the past.. childhood..tennage adult years... I look and listen for hesitations. Back tracking. Little things that make me go.. hmmmmmm... and then I ask another question.  Rather bluntly too.  I listen to that inner voice inside that says... he's lying... not telling it all. If I get that, I just tell them straight out.  Yes, been fooled a time or two. But i've not been fooled even more so.

I know I would inform them prior to actually moving in together... that background checks on each should be done. But only if i'm still feeling uneasy about something. And feel I should. If they have a problem with this. Well then I know I am justified in telling them it needs to be done. Them being pissed about it, shows me there's no need for one being done....cause the relationship isn't going no futher.

I'm curious about where others feel they need to know... and just how far are you willing to trust someone....before you allow a relationship to go futher?  



thetammyjo -> RE: Criminal BackGround Part 2 (6/18/2007 7:23:29 AM)

Since I have a very formal approach to potential partners, this information would be expected before a first face-to-face meeting.

If the criminal activity was a dealer breaker, I'd want to know that before we got too involved. Lower risk of heart ache in my experience.

Not all crimimal activity would be a deal breaker in my household. Someone can get arrested for protesting government or cooperate activities after all and I (and my household) might actually think that person was pretty brave to go out on a limb like that for their beliefs.



truesub4u -> RE: Criminal BackGround Part 2 (6/18/2007 7:33:35 AM)

Oh I agree tammyjo

Like I said in  other post... going out as a teenager...stealing a car and going joy riding isn't a deal breaker..(not as much as I would think it was funny personally)... and being 45 now. Hell it would show me more so that you was young.. full of life and stupidity... and that you also see life as something to live for... not just exist in.

There are deal breakers...and then there's not. So yeah being honest about your past is good. But one doesn't know the deal breaker till it's exposed.

So it's knowing when someones holding something back... asking them for it.. or doing the background check.

I know I personally will inform them i'm doing such a thing. I won't go behind their back to do it.  Criminal records are public information.  Not private. So there's no need to feel like you are being deceiving. It's their reaction to my stating... i'm doing a background check... that I look for.



queencaliph -> RE: Criminal BackGround Part 2 (6/18/2007 7:48:31 AM)

Due to the nature of my career it is a must that I do criminal background checks early on.  (This is in my vanilla relationships as well as my D/s ones).  Before I meet somone from online for the first time I have a name and phone number for them.   Iinitial meetings are always in a public setting and I let them know before hand that it is strictly a "getting to know you date."  I ask for a state issued identification card and write down their information as soon as we meet. I offer my ID in return.  I usually ask at initial meetings "you don't mind if I check you out do  you?"  No one has refused yet and if they did I wouldn't see them again.  If we decide to meet again, it will be after I have done the check.



truesub4u -> RE: Criminal BackGround Part 2 (6/18/2007 7:59:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: queencaliph

Due to the nature of my career it is a must that I do criminal background checks early on.  (This is in my vanilla relationships as well as my D/s ones).  Before I meet somone from online for the first time I have a name and phone number for them.   Iinitial meetings are always in a public setting and I let them know before hand that it is strictly a "getting to know you date."  I ask for a state issued identification card and write down their information as soon as we meet. I offer my ID in return.  I usually ask at initial meetings "you don't mind if I check you out do  you?"  No one has refused yet and if they did I wouldn't see them again.  If we decide to meet again, it will be after I have done the check.


I can understand your response here... but at same time.. I feel something wrong with it too. Not totally sure what it is either.  I think it falls under trying to protect myself from theft. Personal, finacial, and other. To give out certain information too soon. Something I'm leary on. You don't need but a name and state to get information. And can take that information futher if need be to other states.

I just ran a background check on myself here in NC. Using just my name and birthdate. And it all came up. For the past 20 years. Even traffic violations. And the 4 outta 6 months stint I did in NCCCFW. And my probations.. for what for..and how long. (Yes i've been a bad girl in my younger dumber days... none felonies...LOL)

So though I do understand what you are saying in your response... it still leaves me alittle leary of someone wanting too much information from me right away.  



queencaliph -> RE: Criminal BackGround Part 2 (6/18/2007 8:23:54 AM)

I agree that we all should be careful of identity theft and con artists and such.  It is a real concern.  However, without proper identification there is no way you could tell if someone is giving you the correct name and birthdate.  Many people carry aliases and are experts at spouting off the information from their other identities. Maybe I am being too careful, but most of us live this part of our lives in secrecy and there is a high risk of danger involved in meeting someone this way.  We are all entitled to be extra careful.  Let's not forget that 2300 people are reported missing in America everyday.



truesub4u -> RE: Criminal BackGround Part 2 (6/18/2007 8:30:33 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: queencaliph

I agree that we all should be careful of identity theft and con artists and such.  It is a real concern.  However, without proper identification there is no way you could tell if someone is giving you the correct name and birthdate.  Many people carry aliases and are experts at spouting off the information from their other identities. Maybe I am being too careful, but most of us live this part of our lives in secrecy and there is a high risk of danger involved in meeting someone this way.  We are all entitled to be extra careful.  Let's not forget that 2300 people are reported missing in America everyday.


I agree...and aliases are in forms of State Pictured IDs as well. So it's a risk we do have to decide to take. This is again where the trust factors swings back in.

I'm not disputing your post queencaliph... I agree with it mostly. Just looking further into it as well. Your responses i'm sure will help someone make the right choices. I'm just thinking more into is all. Out of alot of post ... threads on here... about trust..communication...etc... this one i'm sure has been covered. But i'm looking in depth. Maybe this will help someone else look further as well..... maybe some will think i'm going over board. But when you stop and think of it all.... are we really looking far enough in depth... or not enough?



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Criminal BackGround Part 2 (6/18/2007 9:02:18 AM)

If have it in my Manual that, should they wish to pursue a collar, they should be willing to allow a background check. This doesn't mean that I'd exercise this, but they have to be willing. Mostly, however, I find that I trust people that I'm choosing to get involved with. I never ran one on anne. she told me about her past and what I'd find (not much). I've also been involved with people who did a lot more things than would ever show up and their record. I've also been firends with people who were on parole. I've also had someone in my life who, if he'd lived, would probably be in jail for attempted murder. So, it varies and is highly subjective.

On the flip side, I state that at this point at which they want to pursue a collar I'm also open to having one run on me. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Master Fire



slaverosebeauty -> RE: Criminal BackGround Part 2 (6/18/2007 10:05:16 AM)

I run a basic background check BEFORE I agree to meet someone, it tells me if their is any criminal history. If the person is JUST a friend, not a potential playmate or partner, then I don't run a check, I go with my gut and from our conversations and consistancy.

Due to some of the agencies that I work with who I associate with in my personal life is under some watch. So running a check keeps me in my job, not to mention, I do NOT want a repeate of my exhubby, 10 page criminal record, that was his ADULT file, his juvinile one is thicker. I learned my lesson, and now, with beign a mom, any potential partner may be around him and I want to know my son is safe.



slaveluci -> RE: Criminal BackGround Part 2 (6/18/2007 10:39:31 AM)

I appreciate the sentiments behind this thread and the other one that goes along with it.  If it makes people feel safer and more comfortable to do background/criminal checks and they have the ability to do so, why shouldn't they?  However, the thing that keeps occurring to me is that there are a lot of unscrupulous, sociopathic people running around who happen to have NO criminal record.  I personally wouldn't get too much assurance just because a person's "check" comes back clean.  That does not mean they aren't a total nut. 

I know people with criminal histories that I would trust much more than some people I know who have never been arrested or charged with any crime.  Some people get caught, some don't.  Some people aren't criminals but are dyed-in-the-wool sociopaths who are much more dangerous.  There is really no check you can run on those folks.  Sure, if you know their family, co-workers, etc. you could investigate on your own.  But if you don't have access to that information, they could tell you anything of course. 

I think it's good to use these background checks as one tool in your arsenal but relying too heavily on them probably isn't a good idea.  The craziest person I ever became involved with didn't even have a parking ticket[;)] and there are plenty of crazies running around who do much damage without technically ever breaking the law.....slave luci



LaTigresse -> RE: Criminal BackGround Part 2 (6/18/2007 11:04:57 AM)

I will run a back ground check on a person exactly, when and if, my gut tells me I should. That may be vague but there you have it. 



RCdc -> RE: Criminal BackGround Part 2 (6/18/2007 11:32:07 AM)

Doesn't sound vague to me at all personally.  I concur with your reply - to be honest, I just do not see the sense in background checks.  If I can't feel secure without making such checks, I wouldn't be playing or getting to know a person in the first place.  I understand in the age of the net, that people feel insecure and you can't always know who is who - but I surely if you move into a relationship that is that serious with someone (not really talking about casual play), you also start moving into their life - meeting family, longtime friends and work collegues?  I don't know any friends in so-called 'vanilla' relationships making such checks - why is it such a big thing in the wiitwd (loathe the word 'community')?
Hmmm... maybe thats just another thread...
 
Peace
the.dark.



slaverosebeauty -> RE: Criminal BackGround Part 2 (6/18/2007 11:50:42 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark
why is it such a big thing in the wiitwd (loathe the word 'community')?


For me, in this lifestyle we engage in things that are not 'normal' in the vanilla dating world, ie knife play {a personal favorite}, bondage, spanking, etc. Before someone puts a knife on my body or ties me up or any of that other fun stuff, I want to make sure they are not some nutcase or criminal who stabbed their girlfriend, etc.
 
Sure I DO ask about that stuff, but I feel better if I check; in one case a guy said he LOVED kids, and was a good guy, I never suspected anything, when I ran a background check, I found out he was a registered sex offender. GAME OVER. I asked him and he said he was 'framed' and started back tracking and bring up, 'I thought you liked me, and we get along,' etc and that sotra bs. I do believe that people can change their lives, and I do believe in second chances, but, I don't want ANY surprises of that sort or similar.
 
My son is my priority.
 
Whatever I do effects him as well, so being a bit cautious, is how the game is played. Its a matter of protecting myself and my munchkin.



LaTigresse -> RE: Criminal BackGround Part 2 (6/18/2007 11:58:25 AM)

Actually I agree with your statement. I have never felt the need to do a background check on anyone.  Perhaps that is because I tend to deal with people that I already have some general knowledge of.

I am going to guess that in the age of internet dating, and the fears many people associate with it, the idea of checking on those we may wish to meet becomes more attractive.



RCdc -> RE: Criminal BackGround Part 2 (6/18/2007 12:02:29 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaverosebeauty

For me, in this lifestyle we engage in things that are not 'normal' in the vanilla dating world, ie knife play {a personal favorite}, bondage, spanking, etc. Before someone puts a knife on my body or ties me up or any of that other fun stuff, I want to make sure they are not some nutcase or criminal who stabbed their girlfriend, etc. 


I don't know - I have friends who partake in spanking and bondage and wouldn't consider themselves to be a BDSM relationship and who met via work (traditional meeting places etc) - and not all BDSM practise 'edgier' play like knifeplay.  I have vampire friends who would definately not call themselves dominants or submissives and who indulge in blood play (apart from the obvious testing) - none of these people do back ground checking and it just seems a really prominant 'must do' in BDSM circles and I just don't see any difference to any other group of people the only big difference is the whole meeting via dating sites and BDSM sites so I just wondered if this was the big deal?  It's more a rhetorical question really - and maybe a thought for another thread if I get around to it...
(Apology for kind of hijacking the thread true - ) 
 
Peace
the.dark.



hereyesruponyou -> RE: Criminal BackGround Part 2 (6/18/2007 12:19:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

I appreciate the sentiments behind this thread and the other one that goes along with it.  If it makes people feel safer and more comfortable to do background/criminal checks and they have the ability to do so, why shouldn't they?  However, the thing that keeps occurring to me is that there are a lot of unscrupulous, sociopathic people running around who happen to have NO criminal record.  I personally wouldn't get too much assurance just because a person's "check" comes back clean.  That does not mean they aren't a total nut. 

I know people with criminal histories that I would trust much more than some people I know who have never been arrested or charged with any crime.  Some people get caught, some don't.  Some people aren't criminals but are dyed-in-the-wool sociopaths who are much more dangerous.  There is really no check you can run on those folks.  Sure, if you know their family, co-workers, etc. you could investigate on your own.  But if you don't have access to that information, they could tell you anything of course. 

I think it's good to use these background checks as one tool in your arsenal but relying too heavily on them probably isn't a good idea.  The craziest person I ever became involved with didn't even have a parking ticket[;)] and there are plenty of crazies running around who do much damage without technically ever breaking the law.....slave luci



Shhhhhhhhhh, you weren't supposed to tell!!!



Mellissande -> RE: Criminal BackGround Part 2 (6/18/2007 12:26:19 PM)




I agree with almost all of the points made here... One thing for me though... I can almost always tell when a person is lying. If I do not trust a person then I will not meet with them. I have never personally run a background check, but I do ask potential partners if they would consent to one. Usually only the guilty have a problem with it. When I ask them why they have a problem with it, they usually come right out and tell me what I would find... I do however agree with Darcyanddark. You never know who is whom in this world. People you have known for years may have been living secret lives the entire time and people you meet on the net may not be who they say they are. It's a chance you take. Personally I believe that the chance you take meeting someone from the net is actually more safe thanjust running into someone on the street... Do you do a background check on the people you see everyday? your mailman? the security gurad at your work? The doorman to the building you walk in and out of everyday... These people know you better than you'll ever realize, yet most never suspect anything from them... What about the Cable guy that you so casually allow into your house... So sorry for rambling, But this is how I feel...





Stephann -> RE: Criminal BackGround Part 2 (6/18/2007 2:56:14 PM)

Background checks...

I don't think we're more (or less) entitled to run a check in the lifestyle, than we are in the vanilla world.  Legally, we have the right to run a check on whomever we wish.  We might check against various databases, hire a private dectective, etc etc.  The problem with checks, is it suggests an inherent distrust.

A woman who says to me "nothing personal, but I do this with everyone" might not be singling me out, but it still demonstrates that she refuses to trust me at face value.  I doubt seriously I would pursue a woman who was so paranoid, not because I mind her checking on me, but because it suggests a whole host of other issues she may have.  Certainly, she may have a very good reason to do so; that doesn't make me feel any less at arms length.

I'm honest about my mistakes in the past, and own up to them.  If a woman felt my word requires verification from a state or federal authority, than I just don't think I'd be right for her.  Naturally, there will be ten men willing to step forward to take my place in her life.

As Fire suggests, though, what's good for the goose is good for the gander.  I wouldn't get involved with a woman who I felt I needed to run a check on.  If I thought there were lies or inconsistancies, I would probably confront her on them.  If she doesn't satisfy my concerns completely, that's a deal breaker.  I would expect her to do the same.

Stephan



SimplyMichael -> RE: Criminal BackGround Part 2 (6/18/2007 3:06:46 PM)

Someone who wanted to go through such an extensive background check on me would raise red flags for drama queen.  To me, you ask the questions as you go, the deeper the relationship became the more information that should be shared but asking for all this up front would prompt me to opt out and wave bye.



Stephann -> RE: Criminal BackGround Part 2 (6/18/2007 3:10:28 PM)

Drama Queen...

That's what I was trying to say!

Thanks,

Stephan



Page: [1] 2 3 4   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.046875