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Stop shouting. Can't you see I'm not listening? - 6/25/2007 1:07:30 PM

spanklette

Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
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So, for all of those in favor of open communication...what happens when there is an argument or *gasp* a fight?

As a Dominant, do you punish over things said in an argument?

On the flip side, as a submissive, are you wary of punishment during an argument...that is, if you argue?

My thread title is actually something I said to Daddy...oops. I'm the Mayor of Snarkycommentville during an argument or any time I'm irritated. By the way, I would not advise using that comment...just advice, you can take it or leave it.

I've learned over the years to soothe my temper before engaging in any potentially upsetting conversation. I suppose it's a coping skill that I utilize in all areas of my life, specifically proffessionally and with my Daddy.

He is wonderful about letting me say what I want without any terrible consequences...that does not include locking Him out of the bedroom and saying what I want through the door.

So in addition to my other questions above, does your protocol allow for free speech and if not, how do you communicate your needs?

BTW, I don't want to give the impression that we're constantly fighting...but we live together and well, I've got a nasty temper. It's just something that has been on my mind after a conversation with a local submissive about discussing something in an appropriate manner with her Dominant. I wouldn't have given it 2 seconds thought. I would have gone right to Daddy with the problem. Instead, she had created 2 problems for herself, the original one and then how to bring it up to her Dominant. It seemed like less-than-effective communication to me.

Anyway, it just made me curious about how Dominants and submissives communicate.

< Message edited by spanklette -- 6/25/2007 1:08:12 PM >

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

Post #: 1

RE: Stop shouting. Can't you see I'm not listening? - 6/25/2007 1:19:05 PM

amaidiamond

Posts: 1793
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Watford / London
Status: offline

Master and I have open communication, occasionally we get frustrated and let off steam but if we do argue then we make up afterwards, I've not been punished for something said during an argument as we are both hotheaded.

(in reply to spanklette)

Post #: 2

RE: Stop shouting. Can't you see I'm not listening? - 6/25/2007 1:21:15 PM

SlND3R3LLA

Posts: 118
Joined: 6/19/2007
Status: offline

I usually back off of it whenever there is something we don't agree on. I know that my Master has a temper, and I prefer not to be at the receiving end of it. It doesn't really have so much to do with him being the dominant, it has more to do with the fact I hate to argue or fight. Things always get said that neither person really means, then you both end up feeling like crap.

I have more of a tendency to just clam up, or let it drop and walk away a while. When you live with anyone every single day, there are going to be times of tension, it's just like in any other relationship, you learn to get through it the best you can.

_____________________________

And in that moment, everything I knew to be true about myself up until then was gone. I was acting like another woman, yet I was more myself than ever before. ~F

To hell with diamonds, lube is a girls best friend ;)

(in reply to spanklette)

Post #: 3

RE: Stop shouting. Can't you see I'm not listening? - 6/25/2007 1:25:18 PM

spanklette

Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline

Thank you for your post...yes, Daddy has a temper, as well. I think that's why He doesn't cast stones at mine. We can go toe to toe, but rarely. Honestly, I think we're both super sensitive where our tempers are concerned and we're both very quick to apologize.

There are a few exceptions, but as soon as either of us loses our temper we're almost immediately apologetic and can get on with the real issue.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to amaidiamond)

Post #: 4

RE: Stop shouting. Can't you see I'm not listening? - 6/25/2007 1:29:59 PM

daddysprop247

Posts: 1712
Joined: 6/24/2005
From: DC Metro area
Status: offline

arguing is something my Master really REALLY hates. He also has a looser definition of "argue" than many. if i express an (unasked for) opinion or feeling which is contrary to his on any particular matter, this is arguing, and he doesn't care for it. being an opinionated, overly analytical person, this can be difficult for me at times. however i never raise my voice to him or make smart alecky comments. still my Master has a temper, and sometimes things can get very heated, lots of shouting and cursing, but all one-sided (him to me). the best way for me to conduct myself in these moments is to 1. shut up, 2. be humble and apologetic, and 3. for the love of all that's holy, SHUT UP. lol.

He would never punish me during an argument/disagreement, however i also would never do anything to merit punishment at such a time (inappropriate speech, aggressive behavior, etc.).

(in reply to SlND3R3LLA)

Post #: 5

RE: Stop shouting. Can't you see I'm not listening? - 6/25/2007 1:36:56 PM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

We don't argue. Really we don't. If I'm upset about something, I tell him what I'm upset about - no attacking allowed. He contemplates it and we talk later about it, after he's had time to think about what I'm saying. If he's upset with me about something, he tells me. I usually want to talk about it right then and there. We don't. I think about what he's saying and we talk later. Nothing that needs to be said needs to be said in the very instant someone's upset, so we pause, give each other some time to think and to breathe and then discuss it when we're calm. No defensive posturing necessary, no apologizing for things said in anger necessary, no wishing we hadn't walked off in a huff or done things we shouldn't have done.

But issues get resolved.

Always

juliet

(in reply to spanklette)

Post #: 6

RE: Stop shouting. Can't you see I'm not listening? - 6/25/2007 1:37:50 PM

CypherEnigma

Posts: 62
Joined: 7/24/2005
Status: offline

My last Dom had a serious anger issue. I went well out of my way not to anger him. I did fear the punishment he would give. I always walked away to avoid it. Needless to say.. He is my Ex Dom for a reason.

(in reply to daddysprop247)

Post #: 7

RE: Stop shouting. Can't you see I'm not listening? - 6/25/2007 1:38:48 PM

Viciousbabe

Posts: 61
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline

I've been in that position with an exDom...He was the biggest nondrama drama queen ever...and I've never had a problem telling him what I thought. The problem is that I have the potential to be extremely bratty, and when I am in those moods I'm one to argue over anything. Some of the time, I would be quiet and let him go off or just agree...but there were times where I got right back in his face or flat out refused to go to bed/clean/etc until he had the conversation that we needed to have.

I never really got punished for anything said in an arguement. Usually, I'd start crying and he would send me to bed. Funny, now that I think about it most of our fights happened when we were both tired.

(in reply to spanklette)

Post #: 8

RE: Stop shouting. Can't you see I'm not listening? - 6/25/2007 1:38:57 PM

spanklette

Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SlND3R3LLA

I usually back off of it whenever there is something we don't agree on. I know that my Master has a temper, and I prefer not to be at the receiving end of it. It doesn't really have so much to do with him being the dominant, it has more to do with the fact I hate to argue or fight. Things always get said that neither person really means, then you both end up feeling like crap.

I have more of a tendency to just clam up, or let it drop and walk away a while. When you live with anyone every single day, there are going to be times of tension, it's just like in any other relationship, you learn to get through it the best you can.

So, you're talking about not liking confrontation rather than protocol?

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to SlND3R3LLA)

Post #: 9

RE: Stop shouting. Can't you see I'm not listening? - 6/25/2007 1:41:19 PM

spanklette

Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline

I'd never survive with a looser definition of "argue". lol

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to daddysprop247)

Post #: 10

RE: Stop shouting. Can't you see I'm not listening? - 6/25/2007 1:44:17 PM

chellekitty

Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline

re: the topic line...
i wish i could be that rational with someone yelling at me to say something like that...due to nearly 24 years of living with someone who yells, and picks and won't let you leave the room when he's mad, i don't do people yelling at me...in fact thats a hard limit...if someone yells at me, i shut down, i dissasociate faster than greased owl shit...and they're probably not ready for the person that comes out...
that being said, i try never to be the cause of the fight and use techniques i learned at mental hospitals for diffusing situations lol...i spent way to many years living with this person (my father) to want any kind of relationship that even resembles that...arguments are calm rational oppossing opinions...fights are not...i love arguing, hate fighting...so i wouldn't put myself in a position where having an opinion not of my Master's was against any rules causing reason for punishment....
chelle

< Message edited by chellekitty -- 6/25/2007 1:46:26 PM >

(in reply to daddysprop247)

Post #: 11

RE: Stop shouting. Can't you see I'm not listening? - 6/25/2007 1:44:35 PM

angelicslaveMDF

Posts: 43
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline

Master and i started our relationship online here as FRIENDS first...and W/we always talked about everything really...so that was always an easy thing for us...but as W/we went r/t...i did notice at times i have not said something cause i didnt want to upset Him...and have told Him this...He said that there is always trust there...and He will listen to my opinions and ideas...i feel comfortable letting Him know things...but i have noticed that since i was Irish, and a redhead and a scorpio that i tend to be a hothead as well...and sometimes my voice tends to raise and i start making "sarcastic" remarks....i have told Him though that i am working on stopping first...and thinking about exactly how i want to say something before i bring it up...so that i dont "blindly" run into an arguement or a conversation before i have thought about it...it is hard...but it is much nice for me and Master because He understand that i have given it thought and He does try to look at things at my point at times...but there have been times when He has shown me why what i thought wasnt correct

angelicslaveMDF

_____________________________

*thats my opinion and Master says i am entitled to it.*
angelicslaveMDF

(in reply to CypherEnigma)

Post #: 12

RE: Stop shouting. Can't you see I'm not listening? - 6/25/2007 1:47:19 PM

spanklette

Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra

We don't argue. Really we don't. If I'm upset about something, I tell him what I'm upset about - no attacking allowed. He contemplates it and we talk later about it, after he's had time to think about what I'm saying. If he's upset with me about something, he tells me. I usually want to talk about it right then and there. We don't. I think about what he's saying and we talk later. Nothing that needs to be said needs to be said in the very instant someone's upset, so we pause, give each other some time to think and to breathe and then discuss it when we're calm. No defensive posturing necessary, no apologizing for things said in anger necessary, no wishing we hadn't walked off in a huff or done things we shouldn't have done.

But issues get resolved.

Always

juliet

I wish I had the patience for that!

We, generally, end up apologizing for how we said something rather than what was said. I think, though, that if I walked off to ponder I would just get more heated rather than less. Things to think about, though...

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to julietsierra)

Post #: 13

RE: Stop shouting. Can't you see I'm not listening? - 6/25/2007 1:50:33 PM

HornyToadsMI

Posts: 287
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline

We are both very very bull headed (both Taurus' if you believe in signs). So, i have learned to back down a little, to diffuse the situation. i think my silence drives Him nuttier than my screaming does, tho. And i use the old phrase "whatever You say". Then He knows i am less than happy. We have tried yelling, screaming, kicking....doesn't work. :) But the makeup sex is great!

_____________________________

i have the best job in the world - my Boss whips me!!!

Go with your gut - yes, I am being a Smart Ass!

(in reply to daddysprop247)

Post #: 14

RE: Stop shouting. Can't you see I'm not listening? - 6/25/2007 1:52:15 PM

spanklette

Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelicslaveMDF

...but i have noticed that since i was Irish, and a redhead and a scorpio that i tend to be a hothead as well...

angelicslaveMDF

I'm Polish/Cherokee, brown hair (right now), and an Aquarian...I guess my lineage doesn't give me any excuse.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to angelicslaveMDF)

Post #: 15

RE: Stop shouting. Can't you see I'm not listening? - 6/25/2007 1:55:06 PM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

99% of the time arguments happen because real life intervened--the other 1%, you're damn right you're getting punished.

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to spanklette)

Post #: 16

RE: Stop shouting. Can't you see I'm not listening? - 6/25/2007 1:55:42 PM

spanklette

Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline

Daddy took the word "whatever" out of my arsenal. He's not to keen on the passive-aggressive end to an argument.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to HornyToadsMI)

Post #: 17

RE: Stop shouting. Can't you see I'm not listening? - 6/25/2007 2:02:02 PM

spanklette

Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Viciousbabe
I never really got punished for anything said in an arguement. Usually, I'd start crying and he would send me to bed. Funny, now that I think about it most of our fights happened when we were both tired.

Yanno, looking back at any arguments...most of them were when one or both of us was tired. That's a nice little trend to think about...especially for those who don't like or fear confrontation.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to Viciousbabe)

Post #: 18

RE: Stop shouting. Can't you see I'm not listening? - 6/25/2007 2:09:07 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

In the past, I have been known to use a loud voice ( shouting ). All it took was a look and a backhand across the mouth a couple times to cure me of this. ( I have a volatile temper that when I was younger, was uncontrollable; always manifested itself first with words, and escalated to violent actions ) Nowadays though, I perfer a more quiet tone when dealing with disagreements. I have found that the quieter the voice, the more impact the words have. Not to mention that it helps me in keeping my actions calm.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to spanklette)

Post #: 19

RE: Stop shouting. Can't you see I'm not listening? - 6/25/2007 2:14:26 PM

HornyToadsMI

Posts: 287
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: spanklette

Daddy took the word "whatever" out of my arsenal. He's not to keen on the passive-aggressive end to an argument.

If Toad took that out of my arsenal, i would be lost! lol Since i am a "newbie", not sure if you are full time? We had the marriage first, then moved this direction. So, i tend to look at things a little different.

_____________________________

i have the best job in the world - my Boss whips me!!!

Go with your gut - yes, I am being a Smart Ass!

(in reply to spanklette)

Post #: 20

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