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Domme Drop? - 6/25/2007 1:20:50 PM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

I was just wondering if there is such a thing as Domme drop? Or if anyone here has experienced it before. My sub and I were away on vacation this weekend and we were playing pretty hard at some impact play. We had been playing at least 2 hours and everything was going fine until I told him to go lay on the bed for some wax play. Well to make this short, he decided to be playful and tell me "no" and started wiggling his ass around dancing. So I grabbed him by the hair and I said Move your ass onto the bed!. I could feel myself getting angry with him and I was trying to keep that anger in check.
Usually his playfulness does not bother me but for some reason it definitely was. He failed to read me correctly and kept doing it. I threw my crop across the room and told him to clean up the toys and put them away that playtime was over. I went into the bathroom and slammed the door and I felt like this huge chunk of depression just hit me all at once. I just sat in there with the door closed and he kept trying to apologize to me for his behavior.
When I came out he had put everything away and was sitting on the bed waiting for me to come out. He wanted to know what happened and I frankly couldn't bring myself to talk about it. I told him to just go to bed. The next morning I still felt out of sorts and he hadn't slept all night long. Finally that afternoon I felt better and able to discuss it with him.
Has anyone else had a problem like this before?

Thanks,
~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

Post #: 1

RE: Domme Drop? - 6/25/2007 1:29:32 PM

SDFemDom4cuck

Posts: 2809
Joined: 5/23/2005
From: P'burgh PA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra

I was just wondering if there is such a thing as Domme drop? Or if anyone here has experienced it before. My sub and I were away on vacation this weekend and we were playing pretty hard at some impact play. We had been playing at least 2 hours and everything was going fine until I told him to go lay on the bed for some wax play. Well to make this short, he decided to be playful and tell me "no" and started wiggling his ass around dancing. So I grabbed him by the hair and I said Move your ass onto the bed!. I could feel myself getting angry with him and I was trying to keep that anger in check.
Usually his playfulness does not bother me but for some reason it definitely was. He failed to read me correctly and kept doing it. I threw my crop across the room and told him to clean up the toys and put them away that playtime was over. I went into the bathroom and slammed the door and I felt like this huge chunk of depression just hit me all at once. I just sat in there with the door closed and he kept trying to apologize to me for his behavior.
When I came out he had put everything away and was sitting on the bed waiting for me to come out. He wanted to know what happened and I frankly couldn't bring myself to talk about it. I told him to just go to bed. The next morning I still felt out of sorts and he hadn't slept all night long. Finally that afternoon I felt better and able to discuss it with him.
Has anyone else had a problem like this before?

Thanks,
~Lashra

It's happened to me as well. Although not in the midst of a scene for what I consider Domme drop. To me that seems to come after a particularly intense scene and not having enough mutual aftercare afterwards. When I've had those moments of irrational irritation at something that is usually not considered to be so I can usually see it as being due to some type of hormonal inbalance. Note: that is only my own personal experience of it, I'm not suggesting it's your experience.

It's quite confusing to have something going along quite wonderfully and suddenly some small thing seems to throw it all out of whack. Not even something particularly explainable either. Sounds like things got back on track before the weekend was up though.

_____________________________

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She dealt her pretty words like Blades -
How glittering they shone -
And every One unbared a Nerve
Or wantoned with a Bone -

I want a sensitive man - one who'll cry when I hit him.

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 2

RE: Domme Drop? - 6/25/2007 1:43:50 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
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Absolutely, but I wouldn't call it "domme drop," because I don't think it's analogous to sub drop. When a sub disappoints you, it's depressing. Any dom who is serious about what he or she does must have experienced that. But I think sub drop is something fundamentally different: it's the depression that kicks in AFTERWARDS, when the sub is alone and left to reflect on the intensity that has just passed.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra

Has anyone else had a problem like this before?

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 3

RE: Domme Drop? - 6/25/2007 1:48:49 PM

PoeticPrincess

Posts: 49
Joined: 10/21/2006
Status: offline

I can only describe this from the point of view of a sub, but my Master, after a very long and very satisfying (I thought) play, He became irrationally angry with me. I didn't understand why until it unravelled later, but a combination of His perceived huge efforts, my neediness and energy and His feelings of being used combined to make him angry and almost redundant. He later admitted that He was in love with me, and it wasn't play any more, it was deadly serious. So I proposed marriage and He accepted. That is a drastic way to counter Dom Drop, n'est-pas?

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 4

RE: Domme Drop? - 6/25/2007 4:20:37 PM

DreamyLadySnow

Posts: 359
Joined: 1/23/2005
Status: offline

Princess I love that story!

Lashra,
I have felt what I called 'domme drop' after a session. It's usually related to lack of aftercare/intimacy towards me, after I've played with someone else's toy and given them back. It's more empty/unhappy/unsatisfied, than anger. I hope you find your answer.

LS

(in reply to PoeticPrincess)

Post #: 5

RE: Domme Drop? - 6/25/2007 4:28:01 PM

PsyVamp

Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline

Lashra,
Perfect timing on your post, so I must thank you for helping me today. Today was one of those days, brought on by not enough sleep, hormonal changes and memories. Yes, it was difficult and I just wanted to be away from everyone. I am slowly coming back up to normal and it is good to hear I'm not the only one out there.

Psy

_____________________________

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Could a blue screen of death constitute being defenestrated?
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(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 6

RE: Domme Drop? - 6/25/2007 4:30:28 PM

LadyHeart

Posts: 561
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

I would not call that Domme Drop so much as a reaction to expectations not being met. You mentioned it was a weekend away, so it had been anticipated, built up to, and you were hoping for a lot. He burst your bubble, and wrecked the mood. Once someone has disappointed you like that, it's often hard to recapture the mood, and other things may have kicked in like past disappointents, insecurities etc all those emotional things that derail us. It was clearly irrational - ie not under conscious control. Poor you, hugs
:))
LH

_____________________________

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Post #: 7

RE: Domme Drop? - 6/25/2007 4:47:41 PM

MistressDoMe

Posts: 295
Joined: 7/24/2006
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Sounds more like submissive let down to me.
Glad you straightened him out.

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 8

RE: Domme Drop? - 6/25/2007 6:19:19 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

That sounds like it was terribly disappointing, Lashra. While I haven't (yet) experienced a similar situation during play, I hope you won't mind My making a few comments.

Usually, I connect the term 'Domme drop' as more or less the equivilant of sub drop. Always after play is over, and can even strike a day or two after a session. I absolutely agree that it exists, and can happen to Me after an intense play session. I know I have a bad trigger for this, especially when aftercare hasn't been up to My level of expectations. In a sense, your situation does fit that description. It just came and hit you like a ton of bricks because your play, and your endorphin rush, was stopped like a Mack truck.

While I haven't experienced drop during play, I have fallen into what might be part of what led to your situation. You mentioned that you were on a bit of a vacation. Personally, I know I've put Myself through unneeded stress trying to have the 'perfect' time during a trip, or plan the 'perfect' meal for Thanksgiving, or anything else I've built up in My own mind of how wonderful it should be. At times, I've put unrealistic expectations on Myself (and, I admit, others) to achieve some kind of (excuse the term) fairy tale event. Maybe you put a little too much pressure on yourself in this area. You did mention yourself that normally, this kind of playfulness wouldn't have bothered you. Maybe you were being too hard on yourself in your expectations.

I do want to thank you for sharing this on the boards. It takes courage to put yourself out there, so the rest of Us might learn something from it.

< Message edited by LadyPact -- 6/25/2007 6:20:59 PM >

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 9

RE: Domme Drop? - 6/25/2007 6:24:26 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

I have had that with Angel, when he misreads me badly enough that it just derails our play. Kitten has come close as well. What I find is that when I am in a certain headspace, and they do something (anything) that disrupts that, I can lose interest in it all together. If I get angry, then I will stop the scene right off. I know better than to play when they are annoying me.

It isnt exactly Drop, since thats afterwards. When I described it to Angel after it hapened to me, its tantamount to orgsm denial. You are so close to what you want, and going along so smoothly, and then something just derails the whole process. Its like stopping a moment before you would have cum. Sometimes, you just cant recover from it.

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*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 10

RE: Domme Drop? - 6/25/2007 6:37:12 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

I've heard it called "top drop" -- I thnk it happens when we don't get the aftercare and feedback we need.

If you are getting what you need in your BDSM relationship and still feel off, then it might not be top drop but illness or depression or other aspects of life rearing up -- they do that.

One of the most difficult thing to do when one is on the top side of the equatation is to realize, at the deepest level, that it's OK and healthy to need things and one of this is down time and private time. Getting those can also help a lot with top drop.

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(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 11

RE: Domme Drop? - 6/25/2007 6:37:43 PM

Trampler

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Joined: 12/31/2006
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Lashra, was this 2 hours without a break? I cannot imagine that long of a time, (of course then again, adrenalin pumping and all that.)

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Post #: 12

RE: Domme Drop? - 6/25/2007 6:39:04 PM

Trampler

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Joined: 12/31/2006
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So far I have meditated immediately after, that helps get me back on an even keel.

_____________________________

I want to step ALL over you!

Our Community may be openminded as a whole, BUT it is made up of indivduals who bring in their own baggage,perceptions and agendas

(in reply to Trampler)

Post #: 13

RE: Domme Drop? - 6/25/2007 8:02:44 PM

RchmdServiceNeed

Posts: 36
Joined: 3/5/2007
Status: offline

Awe, I'm sorry that happened, I can definately relate.

I agree with other's sentiments that for me it seems to be an issue of intimacy and aftercare [or even before care! ;)] It is a complete myth that Dommes don't need or want attention and need things in the relationship and they should feel able to ask for [not just demand] those things to find fulfillment in the relationship.

There is so much output of energy and sometimes a sub does not give that amount back [nature of the beast] or, they give a different energy than what you are wanting or needing.
I know people play with safe words for safety, but what about a word or phrase that can "pause play" without it being a big deal and give the dom and sub a chance to say if/why they are getting upset?

I also think sometimes women especially are very subtle with their feelings, changes, desires, etc and other women may pick up on these cues but I do think it is harder for men in general to pick up on facial expressions, body language, voice, etc. -- added to the complication of being only a part of themselves [sub self] exagerated AND motivations/desires of their own really make for a tough read situation. Especially if the Domme is not communicating as much as she normally does and he is used to since they are in public. And there is extra stimulation for both with people arround, location, and play space activities, an "audience" that one or both people may be psuedo interacting with, etc. It can be tough for both sides.

While walking away is obviously better than doing something out of anger, I think taking a break in the middle of play and not seeing it as an "end" is much better. For a sub, one of the worst things a dom can do is total rejection or walking away. As a sub, I wouldn't go back to a dom that did that more than once a year-- If they can't be in control of their own emotions and actions, how can they have control of mine?

You sound like a great Domme. :)
It is really hard sometimes as a Domme to admit you need things and ask for those things but it makes the sub's job of fulfilling all your hopes and dreams a lot easier!

ha!
I think also having an option to "pause play" makes it not a big deal and can help things not escalate. In the end though, realising that he was mis-reading your signs-- it's unfortunately on you to give him more info [voice, words, looks, pulled asside, back up plan, etc] so he can be successful & serve you well. Ya sound lucky to have such a sweetheart subbie!

Best Wishes!

< Message edited by RchmdServiceNeed -- 6/25/2007 8:07:04 PM >

(in reply to Trampler)

Post #: 14

RE: Domme Drop? - 6/25/2007 8:23:22 PM

MamaDomme

Posts: 283
Joined: 12/28/2006
Status: offline

I too have had occasional incidents similar to what you experienced. Not often, thankfully. Usually when into an intensive, long-lasting scene. I had just assumed that it was related to the endorphins/adrenelin racing and I withdrew and let the scene fade.

And as others have mentioned-- I feel that actual Domme drop is more of the missing aftercare once play has finished. I have experienced that after finishing a work out with someone else's sub. I haven't noticed it when I was involved in a full-time relationship.

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 15

RE: Domme Drop? - 6/26/2007 4:20:35 AM

MsCfromMelbourne

Posts: 777
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline

Disclaimer: I identify primarily as a sadist, and only secondarily as a Domme, so my brain chemistry might be atypical

Having said that,

Yes in my experience there is a such thing as Top Drop.

A great session is exhilarating. And exhausting. An intense scene gets me as high as a kite. My mind is so fully focussed, "time stands still". A few hours feels like only minutes. And nothing sexually arouses me as much as inflicting pain, so I have as many endorphins swimming around my brain as the sub/bottom.

But what goes up ...up... UP.......must come down.

Sometimes the crash comes the next day. When I was younger, I used to wake up feeling incredible guilt and shame about what happened the night before.  Often I would contact the masochist and apologise profusely.

Nowadays I know I will be really drained after a big scene and I take better care of myself to avoid the blues the next day.  Giving my play partner(s) aftercare helps me, paradoxically. Ending scenes abruptly is bad for my Top Drop.

Having said all that, I have also experienced a sub "jacking up" and challenging my Domination mid scene*. My head space was completely ruined. I felt completely deflated, humilated and tearfully angry. The scene was instantly over.

It is perfectly normal for submissives to forcefully challenge Dommes, so why did I lose my "top space"? Probably a whole lot of emotional reasons - bad memories, tiredness, insecurity......who knows. All I know is that in that split second, the guy didn't feel submissive to me and I didn't feel Dominant to him. We never really recaptured the D/s magic and both moved on. A true D/s dynamic is more fragile than perhaps we realise.

So IME feeling irrational, moody or blue afterwards is all normal. BDSM is an intense psychological and physiological experience, not a trip to Disneyland. There can be intense fallout from the depths of your psyche.......its all normal

* most Mistresses experience this sooner or later. There are different schools of thought on how best to handle the power struggle

< Message edited by MsCfromMelbourne -- 6/26/2007 4:22:19 AM >

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Post #: 16

RE: Domme Drop? - 6/26/2007 6:12:39 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

Thanks everyone for your replies they have been very helpful. I have never experienced this before and as LadyPact said, it did hit me like a ton of bricks. It was overwhelming to say the least. But at least it passed quickly enough so that it didn't ruin our vacation, so that was good.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to MsCfromMelbourne)

Post #: 17

RE: Domme Drop? - 6/26/2007 6:15:45 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
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The dirty secret nobody talks about---big chemical highs = big chemical lows.

It is a rollercoaster of love.

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Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 18

RE: Domme Drop? - 6/26/2007 6:40:54 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Lashra, I'm glad the vacation still turned out well. Thank you again for sharing this with all of us.

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 19

RE: Domme Drop? - 6/26/2007 7:15:56 AM

Bella1965

Posts: 285
Joined: 12/12/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline

G'morning all:

I don't know what ugly combination of hormones, feelings, memories hit you so drastically to overwhelm your good sense, but it happens. Most of us enjoy a bratty sub so long as they're not willful. The fiestiness is a delightful spice to add savor to a scene or relationship. Your sub simply misread your reactions and had crappy timing. Again, it happens.

What I will chide you for? Your churlish behavior by retreating to the bathroom. The breakdown of communications is a no-no. Understandably, we're all human, but that's not acceptable. That's something a tormented teen does, not a full grown adult. If you must hurl things? So long as the sub isn't tied down so they can avoid being damaged, I say let fly. Great release of pent up emotions that have gone awry. But removing yourself from the equation so your partner can't console you and hash things out? Tsk tsk. You only poison yourself that way. Next time, even if you must sit at opposite sides of the bed with your back to him, stay available for talk and the chance to make amends.

As to domme drop? Frankly, I don't equate the examples others have given with that phrase. To me, it's more of the after glow and the physical exhaustion that accompanies an intense several hours scene. What it sounds like to me is simply a scene gone bad. I'm glad the rest of the vacation wasn't spoiled. As in all things? What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.

Stay safe, play nice, & share your toys w/ others...

Bella

_____________________________

Life shouldn't be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly shouting..."Wow! What a ride!

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 20

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