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using me? - 6/11/2005 6:49:35 PM   
sweet80525


Posts: 6
Joined: 6/10/2005
Status: offline 		This is almost embarrassing, which tells me that I already know the answer. I live with my Master, who does not work (yes, He worked when I met Him and told me He would work when He moved here). I have caught Him in more than one lie - about where He has been, who He has been with, etc. The funny thing is, as my Master He owes me no explanations, so why say anything - yet He chooses to say something and then I find out it is a lie! We haven't had sex for over a month, have not played or done a scene in months, and He rarely touches me at all. When we first met we did all of the above frequently - I know things decrease with time, but to completely stop? I have a dificult time leaving because I committed totally to this relationship forever, but I do not trust Him any longer. When I try to discuss any of these things with Him, He turns it around and everything is always my fault, no matter what it is, and I find myself apologizing all over the place - for what? Please help........................
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: using me? - 6/11/2005 6:58:20 PM   
SecretDomme


Posts: 152
Joined: 1/21/2004
Status: offline 		I think you have everything you need in your posting to make a decision about whether you need to stay or leave. Being a "Master" does not make him immune from having to be honest and trustworthy. I would encourage you to be good to yourself and take a look at how you are feeling in the relationship. Only you can decide if you are willing to accept being unhappy and stay in a situation where there is no trust or intimacy.

I wish you luck,
Julie

(in reply to sweet80525)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: using me? - 6/11/2005 7:12:41 PM   
RandBcouple


Posts: 86
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline 		Master and i both read your post and after discussing it we both agree that you are not required to uphold your promises because he chose not to uphold his. How can you respect a Master, or a man for that matter, that isn't trustworthy.
We don't usually like to interfere with other couples but you did ask for advice.

Best of luck!

Ruffneck & babygirl

(in reply to sweet80525)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: using me? - 6/11/2005 7:36:40 PM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		Some ppl are Doms while other ppl claim to be them. In my view, you can not be a dominant if you can't dominate yourself. It sounds like he used the lifestyle to settle in a home and now feels he has no responsibility.

Submissives have needs and like it or not there are responsibilites for a Dom to do. If he can't handle his end of the bargin it's time to kick his ass out. Either that or it's time pull out the paddle and start spanking him. It sounds like you're the real dom in the relationship. Either straighten him out or give him the boot.

< Message edited by FangsNfeet -- 6/11/2005 7:37:15 PM >

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to sweet80525)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: using me? - 6/11/2005 9:26:13 PM   
Malkinius


Posts: 1814
Joined: 1/9/2004
Status: offline 		greetings sweet....

There are a number of things where someone is either this or that. They are male or female. They are what they claim to be or they are not. They tell the truth or they lie. They are an experienced person or they are not. They are a giver or a user. They are a helper or an abuser. They are Dom/sub or Master/slave and a few of them switch which kind of breaks the pattern but you still get the picture.

Some people are exactly what they claim to be, but not people whom you would wish to submit your life to. An experienced Master who is a user and abuser may tell you exactly how they are going use and abuse you. If that is what you want, and they keep their word, there should be no complaints later if they do exactly as they say they will. Someone might be an inexperienced wannabe giver and helper. This may be their first time with a sub or a slave. If they are trying to learn and grow, they may still not be what you want, but may be a person you would like. There are many many combinations and possibilities. I have just done enough of them to make my point.

Personally, I have no problem with anyone who lets you know the truth about themselves and sticks to what they say. That is true even if I find who and what the person is to be personally despicable. I have problems with liars even if they are otherwise nice people. Now...there may be other problems with what someone is. I personally don't care for the user or abuser types of people, but if that is what they say they are and you agree to be used, well...it is your own choice. If it is not what you chose and they are getting dangerous, then break it off and get out of there or get them out. If it is your home, you can kick him out unless you rent and he is on the lease. Then it gets harder.

You are right that a Master does not have to tell you everything, perhaps not even anything. You gave such holds on him up when you became his slave. However...I think you will find pretty solid agreement here in the responses. They agree with how you have already answered your own question. Even if he was what you wanted at first, he has changed. If that change came about when he moved in, then you really know what sort of person he is. If you stay or not....if you kick him out or not...that is your choice. Sometimes it is much much better to fail as a slave and to live as a human than the reverse.

be well sweet....

Malkinius

(in reply to sweet80525)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: using me? - 6/11/2005 9:47:55 PM   
LordWraith


Posts: 11
Joined: 4/14/2004
From: Oklahoma City
Status: offline 		Greetings,

Thes is a story heard all to often. A predator who manages to pass him or herself off as a repectable Dominant. While I am sure your feelings for the relationship are indeed real, you must ask yourself if you are living a D/s relationship, or a Bs relationship.

Obligations are one thing, and to be true to your submissive nature is noble, but not at the cost of personal harm or abuse... Do not become another statistic!!!

Lord Wraith

_____________________________

Bondage is inevitable, suffering is optional ~1998

Lord Wraith

(in reply to sweet80525)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: using me? - 6/11/2005 9:56:02 PM   
sanita


Posts: 338
Joined: 1/30/2005
Status: offline

i know this is the "Ask a Master" forum, but i hope it is alright for me to pipe up.

quote:

I have a dificult time leaving because I committed totally to this relationship forever,


you might try looking at it differently. you committed to a different relationship. you did not commit to this. if what you committed to is no longer there, then you have to decide if forever applies to accepting the lies and unhappiness.

it took me a very very long time to come to terms with the fact that i was unhappy with a former Master. i wanted to honor my commitment. and He was not a liar or a cheat.

it sounds like you committed to something false, unless He can give you the relationship you signed up for, you should not be obligated to tolerate neglect and lies.

and believe it or not, He does owe you something. if that is not conceivable, then you owe yourself something. you will not survive as a whole person being milked dry, and not replenished.

good luck to you.

_____________________________

Sometimes, He calls me "subbie." Sometimes, i call me "subbie." And if someone wants to call me a BBW, its flattering. Just don't call me false.

"Please do not show me your ass and expect me to read your mind." -Opencollar

(in reply to sweet80525)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: using me? - 6/11/2005 9:57:56 PM   
DesertRat


Posts: 2774
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: NM/USA
Status: offline 		Hello sweet,

Even though you are a slave, you have needs and the right to have your needs satisfied in your relationship. If this isn't happening, you are within your rights to end it, and this is in no way a failure on your part. If he lies, how can you trust him? If you can't trust him, how far can the relationship go? Yes, you are a slave, but only because you have consented to be one. You committed totally and forever? Well, I would opine that your commitment may have been based on conditions that no longer exist and on promises that remain unfulfilled. I think the Cosmic Scorekeeper...if there is one...would let you slide on that commitment.

I hope things go well for you, no matter what.

Bob (DesertRat)

(in reply to sweet80525)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: using me? - 6/11/2005 10:41:58 PM   
MasterbillMA


Posts: 4
Joined: 3/31/2005
Status: offline 		A D/s relationship is about manythings.. Trust I one of the most important. You as a sub/slave must be able to trust your master.. So I am going to tell you what everyone eles Has said. You are not bound to stay with this "master" and I use the word very sadly. It is men like him that give the rest of us dom's a bad name and make this lifestyle looked down on at time by the rest of the world. I would tell you to kick him out and when your ready look for a real master.. if a D/s relationship is what you still want. I hope this has not turned you away form the lifestyle... It can be truly wonderful with someone who understands and knows the meaning of the relationship. Well theres this Doms advice.. Its now up to you dear girl to look into your heart and do what you know must be done.

(in reply to DesertRat)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: using me? - 6/12/2005 12:23:17 AM   
jennel


Posts: 20
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline 		Hello to sweet:

If you are not feeling secure about your Master's agenda and have lost trust for him, there doesn't sound much point to the relationship.

It's hard to realize people are misleading for the purpose to use you in any type of relationship. If you feel it's time to move on, then you should. There are many Masters out there willing to take on the responsibility of a good slave.

Good luck. I hope all works out well for you.

jennel

(in reply to MasterbillMA)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: using me? - 6/12/2005 1:12:29 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		The GOOD news is that at least half of the bdsm relationships you see here, online, and in real life are actually having these exact same issues, but they put on a good show of being perfect.

(in reply to sweet80525)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: using me? - 6/12/2005 3:26:35 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		This is a common outcome when you put your faith and trust in someone not worthy of it....

Don't beat yourself up for being duped by this arsehole; do what your instincts are already telling you - get rid of him! But don't think that'll be emotionally easy for you as it's not easy for subs in particular to give up on the one they've believed in.

Chalk this one up to experience because if you hang in there with this loser, it'll have a negative effect on your own confidence and self-esteem. One of the advantages of being a slave is that very few things are your fault. The fact that he can turn blame back on you rather than being man and Master enough to accept responsibility is a clear sign that he's not looking out for your best interests - as a Master is obliged to do! Listen to your instincts - piss him off and start over.

Focus50.

< Message edited by Focus50 -- 6/25/2005 4:07:19 AM >

(in reply to sweet80525)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: using me? - 6/12/2005 5:52:37 AM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

you might try looking at it differently. you committed to a different relationship. you did not commit to this.


What a great insight! And so true. sweet, you committed to a relationship that is no longer viable. You held up your end and now you are apparently trying to hold up his as well. Been there, done that. No, it wasn't easy to leave. But looking back on it... I'm glad I did.

Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to sanita)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: using me? - 6/12/2005 8:03:14 AM   
perfection20005


Posts: 419
Joined: 4/20/2005
Status: offline 		Both Master and sub/slave have to be honest to make the relationship work. Without honesty, there is nothing left. I also feel that you are not obligated to stay with this Master.

perfection

(in reply to sweet80525)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: using me? - 6/12/2005 10:20:50 AM   
Raphael


Posts: 263
Joined: 5/10/2005
Status: offline
quote:

This is almost embarrassing, which tells me that I already know the answer.


Yes, you do.

quote:

I live with my Master, who does not work (yes, He worked when I met Him and told me He would work when He moved here). I have caught Him in more than one lie - about where He has been, who He has been with, etc. The funny thing is, as my Master He owes me no explanations, so why say anything - yet He chooses to say something and then I find out it is a lie! We haven't had sex for over a month, have not played or done a scene in months, and He rarely touches me at all.


Look, most of that is or might be irrelevant.

But he can't be your Master, if he's not mastering you.

And, regardless of what we say in fantasy-land, regardless of what we might want to think, no relationship and no committment can be one-way. It takes two.

Someone very dear to me has gone through (is still going through, in ways) almost exactly the same situation.

I realise that you feel an obligation. It's a good thing that you do - it means you are the sort of person that takes her obligations seriously - a rare and beautiful thing in this world.

But what you have to realise is that your obligation ended when he quit even trying to live up to his - if, indeed, he ever had any such intentions to begin with. He's obviously lost interest in you - as anything but a source of income.

The lies are should be a big red flag for you. As you said, he doesn't have to explain anything to you - so why does he lie? He's playing you, plain and simple.

I'd be surprised if he was ever doing anything else.

quote:

When we first met we did all of the above frequently - I know things decrease with time, but to completely stop? I have a dificult time leaving because I committed totally to this relationship forever, but I do not trust Him any longer. When I try to discuss any of these things with Him, He turns it around and everything is always my fault, no matter what it is, and I find myself apologizing all over the place - for what? Please help........................


It's a shitty situation. You don't have any good options.

You're going to have to take the one that sucks least.

Recognise that, while you were committed to the relationship forever, he certainly is not now, and probably never was.

Take your lumps, learn your lessons, and move on. Without him.

Hopefully one day you'll find someone worthy of your committment.

But letting this farce go on any longer is not ony bad for you - it's bad for him too. Let it go.

-R


(in reply to sweet80525)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: using me? - 6/12/2005 10:39:19 AM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline
How long has your Dom been out of work? Has he been seeking it and being turned down? He may be experiencing male depression. (their symptoms of depression are VERY different than ours..) http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/depression/men.asp#male_depression

The lies are more troublesome, but if it is depression, they may be a defense mechanism. I do not condone lying under these circumstances, but do understand that people do it.

He may also be a user who needs his ass kicked up around his shoulders. Talk with him and figure out which it is. If it is the user one, you are in no way obligated to support or stay with him. *hugs* I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Good luck.


_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to sweet80525)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: using me? - 6/12/2005 10:52:44 AM   
TimeOut


Posts: 1
Joined: 6/12/2005
Status: offline 		BeachMystress, thank You for this thought. one wondered also if He was depressed, but this is his pattern, one just did not want to think that it was also happening to her. one knows He is using her, but keeps thinking that if one could be a better slave that it would change Him, that there must be something one could do to make it better, that she is not seeing things clearly, etc. one is no longer afraid of being alone, but is afraid of making the wrong decision, and to be honest - dreads Him turning everything around again on girl and taking another emotional/verbal beating.

(in reply to BeachMystress)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: using me? - 6/12/2005 11:00:49 AM   
Atavist


Posts: 124
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		Just because you happen to be in a D/s relatinship doesn't exclude either party from the basics of what makes a good relationship - respect, communication, caring about the other. If he continues as you've described, you would be wise to show him the door. Your obligation as a sub/slave ends when he stops treating you with respect.

(in reply to sweet80525)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: using me? - 6/12/2005 12:35:29 PM   
sweet80525


Posts: 6
Joined: 6/10/2005
Status: offline 		Thank You all for Your input. one still has questions, though. When a slave accepts her Master's collar, she commits for life, giving up all rights, all choices. So how can a slave choose to leave, choose to end the relationship, just because things have turned bad? And what happens if the Master will not release her? one's Master has said that He will never release her. What kind of Master or Mistress would want a slave who has been released, let alone one that has walked away without release? one is lucky enough to have a very good friend, who has served for over 20 years and is so very wise, who has said that one's Master has brainwashed her, and been very successful at it. How can one go against everything they believe in as far as being a proper slave? Didn't one make her choice when she accepted His collar, and now has to live with the consequences? Oh boy, as you all can tell, one is so confused and is a mess.

(in reply to sweet80525)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: using me? - 6/12/2005 1:17:43 PM   
Atavist


Posts: 124
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		The answer is simple, if you can only see it. You are a human being, you have a right to happiness, to be treated with respect and to have love, even in a Master/slave relationship. As others have said, you haven't broken any vow, he has. He released you by his behavior towards you. It sounds as if his words are selfish and totally self-serving. Hopefully in time you'll see this and do what is right for yourself. Maybe you don't believe your worth it, maybe you should look at that first.

(in reply to sweet80525)
Profile   Post #: 20
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