RE: D/s and Asperger's Syndrome (Full Version)

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Aswad -> RE: D/s and Asperger's Syndrome (7/2/2007 11:21:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Calandra

I hope that as you read this thread you see references to specific behaviors and challenges in My comments.


I have. I hope I answered some. If not, feel free to ask again, on either side of the board.

quote:

I have learned more than ever that assumptions pave the road to "relationship hell".


~nod~

It can be hard to get used to, but it works miracles in the long run.

Quite frankly, I have a hard time relating to some of the relationship issues others sometimes raise, because they just wouldn't happen in my relationship with nephandi, and that being my only romantic relationship, I have no other point of reference for that; there are difficulties, certainly, but most of the ones that appear common just don't happen.

I hope your experience will remain positive, as well.

quote:

What I DON'T want to do is waste any more time reinventing the wheel when others who have experience with this (and related) syndromes could offer suggestions and insights.


Obviously. If everyone, on both sides of the coin, would adopt that approach, humanity would be centuries ahead by now. Like everyone else, I'm glad you started the thread.

quote:

Thank you so much for the long post (I read EVERY word with enthusiasm) and please feel free to offer more if you are inclined.


You're welcome. Others have contributed far more than me. I'm almost done working through the thread, and will be checking back later. If there is anything specific you're wondering about, just ask, and I'm sure there will be a selection of replies in no time, offering a range of different views on the topic; one or more will probably apply. I will certainly add my own. If I come up with something that wasn't asked about, I'll post it.

I'd like to thank the others as well, for my own reading enjoyment. This has been one of the more constructive threads on the aspie-NT differences that I have read so far.




Aswad -> RE: D/s and Asperger's Syndrome (7/2/2007 11:40:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: toadMystC

does anyone else have periods of time that their AS seems to be less and/or more affecting their lives " ?


I think most have ups and downs; my nephandi definitely does, I haven't asked others.
The idea is that some of it is who you are, while other parts are problems you have.
I emphasize the words to make clear the distinction, in the absence of intonation.
The parts that are who you are will probably vary a lot less, though a bit.
However, the problems you have will most likely vary a great deal.
A journal may be helpful in distinguishing these two things.
The ones that are not part of you can be treated.
Others are a matter of coping strategies.

quote:

i have no real tools to explain how i feel inside to others in ways i feel they would understand.


My suggestion would be to make a short attempt at explaining first, and then waiting for her reply, and then answering that, and so forth. In this way, you can "correct" mistakes along the way, and come closer to explaining your feelings bit by bit. You can ask her questions to see if she understands what you meant, and then explain where there are misunderstandings, while she can ask you about things that you forgot or didn't think about, that she would like to know more about.

Another tool- in fact, a very good tool for some- is to use the Internet.

Send each other mails about it. You express yourself rather well here. By sending each other mails about things, you get to "take the words back" when they didn't come out right. You can change it until it seems right, and then send it. She can then read it, and do the same for her reply. It helps her think in a way that is closer to how you think, by having to express herself in words only, with planned text, and helps to create some emotional "distance" between the words and herself.

This has worked well for me and nephandi, as well as most couples we know.
Chat programs, such as Google Talk or MSN, can also work well.
Mail gives you more time to think, however.

quote:

i guess that's all i have for now, as a example of gathering information to post here, it's taken me 3 days to sort and word this much of a reply. Again, thank you to everyone for taking the time to help both Mystress and i.


You are welcome, and thank you for taking the great effort involved in making your reply.

And welcome to the CollarMe community.




Vendaval -> RE: D/s and Asperger's Syndrome (7/3/2007 1:10:34 AM)

Please tell me you did not actually say this!?  [sm=ofcourse.gif]


quote:

ORIGINAL: petdave

Word of advice- "Do you know who the father is?", despite displaying interest in the conversation, and even when delivered with positive inflection, is not the "right" first response. Sigh.

...dave





Vendaval -> RE: D/s and Asperger's Syndrome (7/3/2007 1:35:00 AM)

Fast reply -
 
I would like to say thank you to everyone who contributed to this thread.
It is a fascinating read and I understand a bit more about Asperger's and communication with people who have it.




petdave -> RE: D/s and Asperger's Syndrome (7/3/2007 6:44:32 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aswad

quote:

ORIGINAL: petdave

As Najakcharmer mentioned, a difficulty with facial recognition can also be an issue,[...]


Try going by the hair, that works for nephandi.
Color, line, do, length and straight/curly/etc.



That's a good crutch, but unfortunately not everyone believes in keeping the same hairstyle for life the way i do... i've had occasions where people that i'd seen a couple of times a month for 2-3 years changed their hairstyle, and i didn't recognize them until they spoke. Fortunately, i'm fairly good with voices. But give me two actors in a movie with similar hairstyles and features, and i'm screwed the second they change outfits.

i must say, though, thank you for sharing your extensive psychological and psychopharmaceutical knowledge... the fact that you can organize your thoughts into tidy rows of descending length while doing so is even more impressive!


quote:

ORIGINAL: Vendaval

quote:

ORIGINAL: petdave

Word of advice- "Do you know who the father is?", despite displaying interest in the conversation, and even when delivered with positive inflection, is not the "right" first response. Sigh.

...dave


Please tell me you did not actually say this!? 




The only thing that saved me (i got as far as "know") was the fact that she announced it in a group setting, and a eggy acquantance overrode me with all the appropriate oozin ahs... while i waited for her to finish i took the time to consider my statement and realized that, while fair, it would be inappropriate.

My wife was QUITE relieved when i told her afterwards.

And people wonder why i'm always so quiet in person!

...dave




Aswad -> RE: D/s and Asperger's Syndrome (7/3/2007 7:40:50 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Vendaval

Please tell me you did not actually say this!?


If he did not actually know who the father was, or did know that she was promiscous, I'm pretty sure he would have asked. It doesn't take much for that wording to pop up. That is where training comes in, allowing you to realize that the latter is to be asked behind their backs (horrible thing to say, I know, but that is what people do), while the former might be better phrased in a different way.

This is another one of the reasons I do not approve of some behavioural therapies, like the ABA and ABC.
Many of them are based on memorizing a wide range of responses, including body language.
This is then done for as much as 20-40 hours per week with a therapist, at least in ABA.
Afterwards, your body language and responses actually appear a lot more NT-like.
Therein lies the problem: this camouflages the problem, without solving it.
You still don't know why questions like this one are a serious faux pas.
(They can only cover so much, and this one is a rather rare case.)
Hence, you'll appear like a completely normal person asking it.

When a person that seems very odd asks a question like that, people can sometimes be forgiving, and can other times be explained what you meant; worst case, they will think you are insensitive. However, when a person that seems "normal" asks that question, they will think you are just downright cruel, and intentionally so, meaning you get no time to explain, and they are a lot less likely to believe the explanation; one may very well end up getting a solid thrashing, or at least being thrown out.




Aswad -> RE: D/s and Asperger's Syndrome (7/3/2007 9:01:36 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: petdave

That's a good crutch, but [...] i've had occasions where people [...] changed their hairstyle, and i didn't recognize them until they spoke. Fortunately, i'm fairly good with voices.


The hairstyle is the least reliable aspect of how hair looks.
In general, hair doesn't work very well for extended periods of time.
I've tried to learn to follow the clues nephandi uses to understand her better.
My experience was that the useful factors were, in descending order of usefulness:
  • Body dynamics; excellent, but hard to get used to.
  • Voice; good long-term stability after puberty, and very distinct.
  • Hairline; only changes for men (balding) or with a facelift.
  • Haircolor; most useful with men, but tends to be stable.
  • Dress; supports a conclusion, but useless by itself.
Voices are a good clue. Those usually only change once, at least to a significant extent.
If you have problems with voices in movies, consider swapping the DVD or the HiFi.
We went from nephandi mostly using the subtitles to mostly using the soundtrack.
This is because some systems have a lot better diction than others.
Denon and Usher work best for her; your results may vary.
Headphones may also give some improvement for you.
If expensive is okay, I cordially recommend Stax.
A bit cheaper, Grado and AKG are good.
In the lower end, Koss. (Titanium ones.)
With SID, voice is usually out anyway.

After I started working with the martial arts, I became more aware of body dynamics; both my own, and those of others. If you pay close attention to this when people are approaching you, then you will see the way they manage their balance, how they position themselves relative to their surroundings, how they adapt and flow, the minor details of how they move, idle movements, and so forth. Once you are aware of enough of these things, you can identify them quite reliably, unless they have had an accident, or years of practice.

I suspect that there are resources out there for the people who have prosopagnosia.
Otherwise, there is a related recognition disorder- whose name I forget- as well.

One thing I would like, though, is if the aspies in here could have a look at a picture.
It is a reconstruction of how the face of the Gibraltar Child would have looked.
I am curious as to whether the aspies find it easier to read and/or recognize.
The results of that would have interesting implications for one theory.
A picture of the Gibraltar Child can be found at the following link:


quote:

i must say, though, thank you for sharing your extensive psychological and psychopharmaceutical knowledge...


Much of what I've posted here isn't so much formal psychology as it is back-to-basics psychology; i.e. observation, introspection and conversing with people at various levels of functioning who are good at introspection, and comparing this with the same directed at NT people. This does not work well for general psychology, but it works well for coping skills, figuring out differences, and analyzing specific aspects of the mind. (For instance, I have obtained permission from some people to occasionally do a bit of devil's advocate mindgames on them when they bring up ethical topics, in order to test the predictions made by my models of ethics, as well as having them explain their line of reasoning afterwards.)

Mix in some knowledge of the brain, and some very superficial knowledge of AIs, and you're set.
The aspie mind appears to be very different, but the differences are actually quite subtle.
I realize that sounds like a joke to anyone who has both aspie and NT friends.
However, the basic structure is really very much the same.

Essentially, aspies and NTs have much the same hardware, but somewhat different software.

Both use HSM for analysis, both have the same pathways, and the mass is about the same.
The main differences are in mirror neurons, sensorimotor neurons and prefrontal cortex.
I cannot recall whether aspies tend to have the DRD4 7-repeat allelle, as with ADHD.
Either way, I suspect the main difference is related to the dopaminergic pathways.
These are involved in, among other things, filtering and prioritizing inputs.

What I have observed, from working with highly intelligent and analytical people who are often aspies or ADHD'ers (without physical hyperactivity), is that they do not think faster, or neccessarily all that differently. Instead, the main difference is that they "pull in" more data at each stage than an NT person does, and that they lack certain prejudices that NT people have. Pulling in more data in parallell from an early age, which is related most strongly to dopaminergic pathways, seems to lead to the ability to think certain thoughts that would otherwise not occur without external influence. Lack of the relevant prejudices allow them to "think the unthinkable."

Therein lies the source of social friction, but also the potential for excellence.

Think of it like doing jigsaw puzzles. The filter circuits determine how many pieces you get to work with. Not all the pieces are from the same puzzle. Now, your mind will start to look for patterns and motifs. When the filter circuit is less active, you get more pieces in the box, still from different puzzles. This means you get practice, from an early age, in finding larger patterns and motifs, as well as more of the smaller ones. Some of these are relevant, others are not. But either way you end up finding configurations of pieces that others do not. That is, in my experience, how some of these can work wonders in tasks that are extremely complicated in terms of the amount of information that needs to be analyzed at the same time.

But it requires hyperfocus to work properly. Without hyperfocus, you keep getting random puzzle pieces. With hyperfocus, however, you get the relevant ones, and still have the added capacity for fitting them together, meaning you can sort out larger puzzles than usual. With experience, you also come to recognize metapatterns, i.e. you end up being able to guess what kind of pieces are missing, and where they fit.

Anyway, enough rambling.

As for psychopharmacology, I haven't talked a lot about that yet.

I will say, however, that NTs react very differently from aspies, and that almost all clinical trials are conducted on NTs. One major difference, that I can support from personal experience and the experiences of people I know, is that aspies often have a lot lower placebo response. The same goes for a lot of the PDDs, and for some subtypes of ADHD.

I can, blinded, differentiate between three different MAOIs, one NARI, one D2-agonist, three different opioids, one CNS stimulant, one SNRI, one neuroleptic, three benzodiazepines, two hormones, one Ca-agonist, and one barbiturate. I cannot detect the single SSRI that I have tried at all. But the others? I know which one I have taken before it hits peak concentration in the bloodstream.

NT individuals cannot do this, as far as my reading goes, and as far as personal experience goes.

When an NT friend of mine tries an antidepressant, I can influence his response by telling him what to expect. When my aspie and ADHD friends do the same, I cannot influence their response in the same way. I have tried. The NT experiences a mix of what I tell him to expect, and what I know the effect will be. The aspies and ADHD friends experience only what I know the effect will be, although there is some variation that appears slightly unpredictable.

I believe this may be why I have been very successful in picking psychopharmaca for people. Quite simply, I've tried a lot of them, and I know what parts of the mind are affected in what way, with a lot less bias than what is usually the case. As a result, if I know them well enough to have a mental image of how their mind works, or if I know enough about their symptom pattern to guess what parts of the mind are affected, I can pick the drug that will affect that part of the mind in the desired way. If the first attempt does not work as desired, I can use the feedback from that to find out what went wrong, and make a better second attempt.

quote:

the fact that you can organize your thoughts into tidy rows of descending length while doing so is even more impressive!


~lol~

Constrained writing is a hobby of mine, and I find neat lines or justified blocks to be more aesthetic than random shapes. When I write in monospaced fonts, I tend to pick words and turns of phrase that end up block justified. It's not compulsive, but I like for the text to look tidy, so I've made a habit of it.

The "tidy rows" that have occasionally appeared here are because I tend to write long lines.
People have told me they have a problem with very long lines, so I am trying to cut back.
By forcing myself to break down the content in this way, I get some practice with it.
It also has the benefit of giving me practice in organizing my thoughts differently.
Once I'm satisfied I can get the point across in short lines, I'll seek a balance.
At that point, I expect I will start formatting them as paragraphs again.
Organizing your thoughts is a matter of practice; anyone can do it.
Write them down, play with them, and talk about them.
Try to backtrack, finding the path they followed.
In the end, your mind seems clearer to you.
Then you can make it clearer to others.

Long lines are full,
short lines are dense,
Haiku is worse.
[sm=biggrin.gif]




CitizenCane -> RE: D/s and Asperger's Syndrome (7/3/2007 9:16:17 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aswad

quote:

ORIGINAL: CitizenCane

How uninformed. Ever hear of Kuru?


Apart from the fact that he was joking, let's carry the joke a bit further:

Buy a Sony Playstation 3.
Connect to Internet.
Problem solved.

By the time kuru manifests, if my memory serves, FAH should be done solving the problems associated with prion diseases. Given enough PS3's, that is. Of course, I can't recall whether these misfoldings occur exclusively in the brain or not. If they do, there is a simpler solution: discard the brain. It doesn't taste any different from bone marrow anyway. (Sheep brains are a delicacy where my father comes from; no humans were consumed in the writing of this post.)



Thanks for the information on dopamine-related issues. I wasn't aware of this.  As for prion-disease, the foldings appear to occur in most tissues, but since the pattern involves exploding cells full of badly folded prions, and neural tissue regenerates slowly if at all, the most obvious effects are found in the brain. I have seen arguments that bad prions don't infect other tissues, but no evidence to support this, since it's extremely difficult to actually look at bad prions and most evidence about them is gathered by their macro-destructive effects- which sites are the logical ones to find material for closer examination as well. If nothing else, it's obvious that bursting brain cells push masses of bad prions into the blood stream, where they survive long enough to enter other brain cells, even via the conduit of other animal's stomachs.  So, consuming the blood of an infected animal is dangerous, and it's a serious challenge to completely remove the blood from meat. I doubt it can be done.  As far as playing PS3 until the cure arrives, you have more optimism than I.  People are still dying of lung cancer and breast cancer, after all, and the time, money and experience base involved in that research is many orders of magnitude greater than in prion disease.

Regarding empathy, we may perhaps be using the term differently- it is, after all, a somewhat 'soft' term.  What I mean is that aspies have difficulty resonating with a broad spectrum of the emotional processes of NTs.  They can often (at least high-functioning ones) intellectually comprehend what an NT is feeling, especially if it's a fairly straightforward and high-powered emotion like open anger, but even then they tend not to feel a connection between that person's anger (eg) and it's causes. If it wouldn't make the apie angry, they don't get why the NT should be angry.  I would consider that a lack of empathy.  On the other hand, I've noticed that the aspies I know tend to have an abundance of feeling for the feelings of animals other than human NTs.  Whether this is properly called empathy, sympathy, or a projection of their own feelings is open to debate, but being nice, protective and sympathetic to animals seems to be a very common aspie trait.
I lean toward the view that this can be explained by a fundamental feeling that aspies have (NTs usually have it too, in many ways) that other people ARE basically like them, despite the observable differences, which creates an expectation that they should act similarly, or at least understand them. Dogs, for instance, are obviously not like aspies in fundamental ways, which allows the dog to be read as a dog, not a person, and the empathetic process can proceed on it's own merits, so to speak. With NTs, the expectation that the NT SHOULD understand something, say something, or do something in the way the aspie would interferes with this process. Obviously this happens on the NT side of the divide as well.  I did not mean to suggest that the general run of empathy among NTs is adequate, by any means.




Calandra -> RE: D/s and Asperger's Syndrome (7/3/2007 11:20:14 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aswad
quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl
Aswad, you sound like you're saying that aspies should be taught that it's ok to lie sometimes. It's not. Ever.


Please point me in the general direction of objective facts to support your position.
Morals are subjective and arbitrary; they can be handed down, or chosen.
Those who are handed down are the product of evolution, and crufty.
Personal ones are architected one way or the other, and individual.
No single act has been reviled in all cultures at all times; not one.
Most acts are acceptable in one or more cultures, or was once.

Simply put, you choose your own morals, or choose to accept someone else's.
There is nothing fundamental or intrinsically "real" about it.


toad and I were discussing this point last night. I mentioned that lying is sometimes acceptable and he maintained "No it's not"
I offered a hypothetical situation to explain my views:
"Imagine you come to my door and beg me to hide you because someone is looking for you with the intent to kill you. I agree to hide you in my basement. The potential killer comes to my door, asking if I know where you are.
 
Do I lie and protect you from this person?
Do I say "he/she's in my basement"?
 
I have an objection to lying. I think that in most cases, it is ethically wrong and if a person lives their life carefully, then lying is avoidable in the majority of the time. I also have a moral objection to murder. In this scenario I've presented, I must choose to lie to protect the person, or choose to facilitate a murder. On my ethical "compass", murder is a greater "wrong" than lying is.
 
If I wished to avoid lying and becoming an accesory to murder, I suppose I could turn the first person away when they asked for my help.... But I believe that a large part of who we are is reflected in how we behave on a basic level.
 
Note: I didn't give details of whether I knew either person or knew why the first person was in danger. I didn't give ages, genders, physical description, etc. I simply stated a blank scenario that allows us to consider what choices we would make. 
 
In contrast, I had a friend once who would come to my house and smoke while she was there (I do not smoke, but I have no judgements about people who do). She'd always ask me to lie if her husband ever asked about her smoking. She was a friend, so I felt the pull to "protect" her. Eventually I told her that I would no longer be in a position to lie for her. I explained that every time she lit a cigarrette, she made a choice that threatened the happiness of her marriage. That everytime she lit one around me, she made a choice to involve me when she knew I wasn't comfortable with it. I told her that by involving me, she was casting aside my principals as if they were unimportant and that in my opinion a true friend wouldn't do that. In telling her my feelings, she could either make different choices in the future, or she threatened our friendship. I have no idea whether she still smokes on the sly. I never asked her. I did notice though, that our friendship cooled considerably and that led me to wonder if she was spending time at my house in order to socialize with me or if she was there so she could smoke safely. Either way, by standing up for MY beliefs, the issue was resolved in a way that I am comfortable with.
 
 




teamnoir -> RE: D/s and Asperger's Syndrome (7/3/2007 4:15:22 PM)

I'm aspergers. However, I'm not disordered.

You need to think of aspergers as something akin to race or gender. It's not something autistics "have". It's something we are. The trait which everyone has would be "neurotype" with most people having the neurotype of "NT" (neuro-typical).

There are various resources for all forms of aspergers online. There are also entire networks of bdsm aspergers folks. Living in aspergers central, sillicon valley, outside one of the major bdsm capitals of the world, san francisco, I know tons of bdsm asperger folks.




teamnoir -> RE: D/s and Asperger's Syndrome (7/3/2007 4:23:57 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

Kink specific, learning to work with someone with Aspergers simply means it will take longer for you to learn his reactions to certain things. If it makes you that uncomfortable and is that much of a concern than perhaps you might want to consider not keeping this boy. It is not something that will ever get better, now will it necessarily change.
It is not an easy disorder to deal with, and some simply cannot cope.


I'm aspergers. And you're confused on several points.

first, aspergers is a syndrome, not a disorder. And that's not just a semantic point. It's like eating. We all eat. only some of us have eating disorders. There are a lot of people in the world with aspergers, (my estimate is about 7% of the US population, current cdc estimates about 1% so far).

Whatever grief you have with a person with aspergers may or may not change. We're not incapable of learning. I learn quite well, thank you. I'm reasonably socialized and generally pass for NT. However, I do have some problems in social areas. In order to learn to work with those, I need people who are willing to talk frankly and explicitly about body language, tone of voice, and many other things that many people take for granted.

I'm actually quite skilled with both language and non-verbals on a one-on-one basis. I'm a certified hypnotherapist, certified master practitioner of NLP, certified tantra instructor, all for amusement and self development. That fact that I can and need to deconstruct human interactions at this level is a mixed blessing. I both have to, in order to learn social interactions, but having done so, I'm in a much better position to recognize and correct how other people are doing it. I can "see" many things that y'all don't, because I've had to learn those clues explicitly.

Aspergers people aren't incapable of learning. We're quite capable of learning. We simply don't have the same learning-by-osmosis that most of you all do.




teamnoir -> RE: D/s and Asperger's Syndrome (7/3/2007 4:28:31 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: nearnyccouple

it is my understanding that many of those with this syndrome have huge socialization issues. my nephew (hope its ok to use that word on the board), doesnt really look you in the eye, when speaking with you. he doesnt like to touch or be touched, and although many who do not know him find him cold, hes got a huge heart.


These are all fairly common characteristics of aspergers. Not all of us have all of these symptoms, but many do.

Other common symptoms include sensitivities to certain forms of sensory input. Sometimes simple things will be like fingernails on blackboards for us. It's extremely common for us all to wear soft, comfortable clothing and to be intolerant of scratchy or uncomfortable clothes.

I've only recognized myself to be autistic within the last year, (almost a year ago, in fact). But I've been working on eye contact for over 20 years. I can manage it now, but people who are paying attention will notice that my eye contact patterns aren't common. I use many NLP tricks mixed in with typical eye contact matching, pacing, and leading.

And yes, I respond to social touch differently than most people. And I'm often categorized as cold, scary, or intimidating in social contexts.




teamnoir -> RE: D/s and Asperger's Syndrome (7/3/2007 4:32:27 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysblondie

Wow, having done some of my own research on AS, I would tread very carefully in a D/s relationship with someone with AS. Along with the communication issues they have, they can be out of touch with their own feelings and emotions, and from what I understand, may say they are ok, when in fact they are not.



This isn't unique to autistics. In fact, it's fairly uncommon for autistics and extremely common for NT's.

Most autistics are strangely devoid of the sort of game playing machinations most people use every day from the simple, "that's a nice tie" lie to "of course those pants don't make you look fat". I do compliment people, but it's uncommon, and when I do it, you know I'm sincere. Basically, if I say anything, there's an extremely high likelihood that it's not only sincere, but sincere on face value. That level of sometimes abrupt openness is typical of aspies.

You're no more in danger of an aspie being self unaware than you are of anyone else being unaware.




teamnoir -> RE: D/s and Asperger's Syndrome (7/3/2007 4:37:22 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

Can someone with a disability such as this consent? I'm curious because what I've read makes it sound similar to autism.


Aspergers is a form of autism. There are some politics about which words are used to describe which people based on their disability status, whether they are adults or children, whether they are functioning in society or not, etc.

Most aspies are functional in society. And HFA = high functioning autism is a near synonym for aspergers. Not all aspies are HFA and not all HFA people are aspies, but the vast majority are both.

Yes, I can consent. I've been consenting all my life, for over 40 years before anyone noticed that I was autistic. Remember, aspergers only showed up in the DSM-IV in 1994. Folks who were adults at that time are still largely undiagnosed and unrecognized. Aside from being a little strange or quirky, most of us are completely functional.

And really, how many people have you met in the scene, or online, who weren't somewhat strange or quirky? Truth is, of everyone reading this message, a bunch of you all are actually aspergers and just don't know it yet. You may never. People have been being born, living, and dying for millenia without knowing. And many of them had full lives. Some of them are currently believed to have been some of the greatest scientists of history.




teamnoir -> RE: D/s and Asperger's Syndrome (7/3/2007 4:46:00 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: BeingChewsie

My son has Asperger's syndrome and I probably do too. I fit the criteria but see no point in a formal diagnosis at age 35.


I'm not formally diagnosed either. I'm aspergers, though. Self identified. We don't need doctors to tell us we're bdsm identified and I don't need a doctor to tell me I'm aspergers.

I'm also not particularly disabled, so there's not much point from a medical perspective.

quote:

I'm a multi-degreed professional and have no learning disabilities associated with it. My issues surround social interactions/social cues. I don't express much empathy for others though I often do feel it, or what I believe is empathy.


I've been working on it for year, but I still suck at validation. I do ok with empathy for some people, but I frequently end up in arguments with people solely because they feel slighted that I haven't offered them sufficient validation.

quote:

I suffer from mind-blindness to a certain degree. My owner can be talking about something that happened to him at work that day that really upset him and when he stops talking, I'm liable to say "I had a turkey sandwhich for lunch". Another person would empathize with him or say something related to what he said. I do think it inside but have a hard time expressing it. He sometimes has to remind me.


face blindness is also not uncommon with autistics and I have it to some degree. I generally recognize people by the way they move and by voice much faster and more reliably than I do by face. I'll forget faces after a few months. I'll remember voices for decades.

quote:

There are varying degrees of AS, some very mild, some closer to HFA-high functioning autism.

We are little quirky and odd. My kiddo says things and focuses on the details in things that make you go "only someone with Asperger's would say that or think about that".

You see higher rates of AS in the Silicon valley it has been called the geek's syndrome.


Positive nods on all of this. I'm in sillicon valley and I could hit a dozen unrecognized aspies with a pen from where I'm sitting right now.

Another symptom which hasn't been mentioned is also a superpower. Aspies have a tendency to hyper-focus. Kind of like the opposite of ADD. We can focus on one thing, to the exclusion of all else, for ages. Hours, days, weeks, etc. Much of the traditional vacuousness attributed to autistics can be explained in terms of perseveration, (the formal name for hyperfocus).

For anyone who's interested, there's a thriving community of aspergers folks on livejournal that's really quite super.




teamnoir -> RE: D/s and Asperger's Syndrome (7/3/2007 4:49:31 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

Okay, my concern was that it may be classified as a developmental disability and there can be issues of abuse in those situations where people are not able to fully consent or understand what is going on in a relationship.
I have a relative who is autistic and they say highly functioning, but she often exhibits inappropriate activity and has difficulty in school.



That's common with the more obvious forms of autism. But it's uncommon with aspergers. Most aspergers folks are HFA.

You have to think of us not as disabled, but of having personality quirks. Many of us aren't, actually, disabled. We're just autistic. My ability to recognize what's going on in a relationship or consent to it is no less valid than a newbie's might be. And I'm no newbie.




Aswad -> RE: D/s and Asperger's Syndrome (7/3/2007 4:51:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CitizenCane

Thanks for the information on dopamine-related issues.I wasn't aware of this.


You're welcome if you remember to double-check it before you use it for anything. [:D]
But, yeah, both dopamine and PEA are used for a lot more than reward/salience.
If you would like to talk about those bits, I'd suggest private messages or mail.
The mods probably don't want a neurochem subforum; here, it'd be littering.
Besides, I haven't worked actively with it for a while, so some of it's rusty.
I wouldn't want anyone to experiment based on half-remembered data.
When I give advice, I stick to what is clear to me, and look things up.
I'm considering a pdoc study so I can work actively with this stuff.
That way, I could avoid having it "rust" when I'm not using it.
Perhaps even get some kind of research done, eventually.
Few people do the interesting research on aspies.
Mostly, it's about how to make them palatable.
I don't find that particularly interesting.
The pdocs seem to, however.

quote:

As for prion-disease, [...] and neural tissue regenerates slowly if at all,


Neurogenesis occurs in some tissues, depending on stimuli, nutrients, and various other factors.
ISTR that the other neural tissues regenerate, but very slowly, on the order of 70 years.
But, yeah, it makes sense that prion diseases would be affecting neural tissue first.
I was wondering, since fatal familial insomnia seems to hit very specific systems.
Either way, prion diseases should be given extremely high priority, IMHO.
Given the long incubation time, who knows how many have BSE or CJ?
That is why I support the PS3, since it does the bulk of FAH's work.
In the longer term, it will also be useful for amyloid plaques, as well.
I was joking about the PS3 being a solution, though; it is not.
Understanding protein folding is just the first step.
It is, however, a very important first step.
I'd suggest avoiding kuru in any case.

quote:

People are still dying of lung cancer and breast cancer, after all, and the time, money and experience base involved in that research is many orders of magnitude greater than in prion disease.


~nod~

While I would point out that a lot of that money is directed at treatment, rather than a cure, and that almost all of it is directed at patentable solutions, I do agree. There is no reason to assume that a cure for prion diseases will be discovered any time soon. There are good, logical arguments why one should avoid using one's own kind as food, while one imagines it might gain some of the same status as fugu if legalized; anyone inclined to try such a thing should stick to hufu, IMO. And then there are the other arguments.

Slightly off-topic, did you know most cases of lasting spontaneous remission from cancers appear to involve massive infections? Apparently, if the immune response can overcome a near-lethal infection, it will tend to go for the cancer next, causing extremely high apoptosis rates in the cells in that area. Unfortunately, this mechanism has no real potential for patentability, so studies have been very limited.

quote:

Regarding empathy, we may perhaps be using the term differently- it is, after all, a somewhat 'soft' term.


Yes, it did seem that way. I used it in a sense that is slightly broader than compassion, while it appears you use it to cover both emotional reasoning and the ability to follow the emotional reasoning of another on a non-intellectual level. Correct?

quote:

On the other hand, I've noticed that the aspies I know tend to have an abundance of feeling for the feelings of animals other than human NTs.


Definitely.

The reason why this doesn't always carry over to humans is probably because a lot of aspies are bitter at humans; consider that the aspie experience in NT society is pretty much the exact recipe for virtually every acquirable mental disorder, such as PTSD, MDD, GAD, PAD, SAD, OCD, and so forth, and that 84% of all aspies have anxiety disorders by adulthood. When I say "social friction", I'm being quite neutral/detached about it.

For those that are not, however, this same trait does carry over to NT people.
And it does carry over to NT people one cares about in any case.

quote:

Whether this is properly called empathy, sympathy, or a projection of their own feelings is open to debate, but being nice, protective and sympathetic to animals seems to be a very common aspie trait.


An animal is very honest and straight-forward, like most aspies. It isn't very hard to relate to them. Most of them are also devoid of actual malice. Their emotions and their motives are easy to relate to. Much of their body language makes sense, although a lot of species require a fair bit of study to get a feel for that. Their social interactions can be observed from afar, and one can usually piece together their customs and social structure from this. Almost everything they do has some sort of purpose, and that purpose is usually evident on the surface, without the habitual deception that characterizes NT humans.

I once met two gray wolves in a reservation. At the time, I was about 12. We weren't really allowed to get too close, but I disregarded that when nobody was looking. They were magnificent creatures, and we connected. It is said wolves, unlike dogs, do not read human body language. From my experience, I wonder if it might not be more accurate to say they don't read NT body language, because I connected better than with most dogs, except for those that lived with me.

Unfortunately, the female of the pair was put down a few weeks ago. Embla attacked the caretaker of the reservation, apparently without provocation, or at least so it seemed to the caretaker. She put it down on the grounds that "it made us think that it might happen again". WTF?

It's a wolf, lady, not a tame dog.
Of course it might attack you one day.
That's why the kids don't get to come close.
If you didn't realize that, why are you caretaker?

The thought certainly never left my mind when I came within range...

Another thing I share, I guess. Not understanding why an evaluation changes after the damage has been done, even if the facts were known up front. Risk doesn't change if accidents happen. It remains the same. My assumption has been that it is something related to the pack trying to restore a sense of normalcy and the illusion of safety being provided by effort, rather than results. I'm normally a very effort- and intent-oriented person, but a society that wants me to sign over risk management to them will have to do a bit better than just effort; there are many processes out there that deliver results, often with even less effort.

quote:

I lean toward the view that this can be explained by a fundamental feeling that aspies have (NTs usually have it too, in many ways) that other people ARE basically like them, despite the observable differences, which creates an expectation that they should act similarly, or at least understand them.


I cannot answer that. I'm not an aspie, I think, just closely related. But nephandi did at one point comment that, as a child, she felt very sorry for Chinese children. After all, she couldn't understand their languages, and it must be horrible with all these people talking languages they don't understand. ~g~

She outgrew that mode of thinking, though, it just took her longer than for the NT kids.

The reason why that thought occurs, I think, is that the cognitive abilities develop at a similar pace, while the "theory of mind" bits develop more slowly and unevenly. Hence, she could not seperate her knowledge from theirs (a classic theory of mind task; similar ones are used in research), but she could sympathize, understand their need for communication, that they had thoughts to express, and so forth.

Both aspies and NTs, and indeed all humans, have some degree or other of assumption that others are just like themselves on one or more levels, along with some doubts about the same. The former is part of why aspies seem so jarring, I think, as I have yet to meet anyone who couldn't, with a bit of patience, relate a lot better, on either side of the coin. The latter is part of why some things are secret, and other things are public knowledge but still not spoken of, which contributes to the learning problem, as aspies are more structured in their learning, but lack the skills to learn in a that way on their own at the early stages of their lives.

I don't think there's such a big gap, intrinsically, as evidenced by what good, supportive and coping-/child-centric training can do. It's just that there is very little good info out there, aimed at helping the child develop according to its own needs, and explaining to it how NTs think and what they can gain from interacting on the NTs own terms. Quite simply, NTs are the dominant "subspecies" in society, and if one wants to interact with the bulk of them, one will need to do so on their terms. Most are willing to go the other way, but there are fewer aspies to teach NT culture than there are NTs to teach aspie culture.

Consider that, if you learn flawless Japanese, but not a single bit about their culture, you would probably seem terribly jarring to them, for instance, and you would have a lot of trouble fitting in. Like the bit about on, as Synergy mentioned, which is unspoken for the most part. It is something you need to study to understand, or have someone explain to you.

The problem with aspie/NT relations, is mostly that NT culture has more taboos and rituals, and that neither side understands the other, while they appear to be the same on the surface, as well as speaking the same language and having much the same manners (coming from similar rearing, after all).

quote:

Dogs, for instance, are obviously not like aspies in fundamental ways, which allows the dog to be read as a dog, not a person, and the empathetic process can proceed on it's own merits, so to speak.


Actually, dogs are a bit special. My aspie friends love dogs, while not all of them feel the same about cats, for instance. I love both, but that is beside the point. The dogs have a mind and body language that is very well suited for interaction with humans. I relate to them on a more primal level than NTs generally do, but the basic concept is the same: they were bred to "get" humans.

I do take care around hostile dogs. For instance, when I stretch out my hand, I place the opposing hand on the elbow or upper arm of the one I am stretching out, so I can stop any attempt at going for the throat. But I do approach them, carefully, at a pace they don't seem to feel threatened by. Most calm down and allow me to pet them. In some cases, depending on the nature of the interaction, I will stare them down instead; they get the picture pretty quickly: I'm big, fast, agile, and not afraid of them (though I do have a healthy respect for them).

With dogs, unlike most people, if they start play-biting or whatever, I play-fight them back, and win. The biting doesn't really register. With most species of dog, the nose is long enough that you can trick them into going for the hand, which you hold palm-up. Then you close the hand around their nose, using the knuckles against their tongue to prevent them from biting hard (this doesn't work if they have long teeth). With a firm grip, the upper teeth don't tear the hand. Dogs find this very uncomfortable, and you don't need to squeeze for them to understand that you can, and that it would hurt a lot if you did. With many dogs, this move alone is enough to make them consider you the stronger party, which is how dogs organize socially (ref. what I said about consent in the creepy-crawly thread). I would not be inclined to try it with an attacking dog, however. ~g~

Apart from that, see the above.

quote:

With NTs, the expectation that the NT SHOULD understand something, say something, or do something in the way the aspie would interferes with this process. Obviously this happens on the NT side of the divide as well.


~nod~

As I said, it's like people on each side of a window, looking at each other, not seeing that we're dealing with two real rooms, seperated by one window, not one real room with a fancy 3D-monitor in it. When in doubt, humans generally pick themselves as the point of reference, the "one real room" if you will; I try to avoid doing that, but don't always succeed.

Like in physics, there can be no fixed frame of reference. Any frame is as valid as any other. We just pick the one that makes it more doable to reason about things. Anyone does that, really. The trick is to bear in mind that the frame of reference is arbitrarily chosen. Few people can do that. Just look back on the debate when Einstein first posited his theories; even now, many don't "get" the bit about no frames of reference.

quote:

I did not mean to suggest that the general run of empathy among NTs is adequate, by any means.


My issue is not with NTs having, or using, empathy. It is with not distinguishing between emotional logic and rational logic. Both are valid and important tools, but for different uses. In the IT field, and probably most engineering fields, a strong concept in those who do well, is "use the right tool for the job". We collect tools in our toolboxes, and pick the one that best fits the problem we have been given. The same applies for rational logic vs emotional logic.

Emotional logic is well suited to picking goals and so forth. It fills in the blanks, and has a lot of utility in this sense. Priorities and motivation flow easily from emotion, and that is something it probably should do, in most cases. This does not necessarily lead to very uniform goals or whatever, but it does lead to a direction that is suited for the individual in question.

Rational logic is well suited to reaching the goal. For instance, if your emotions tell you that life has value, then rational logic is what will best be able to secure life. This is the place where people tend to go wrong, and probably where the proverb "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" originates. Emotions have originated a valid problem, but then NTs use emotion to guide them to a "solution", which often just aggravates the problem, or deflects it temporally or spatially.

Note that I do not sort instinct under emotional logic. If something calls out "there is something wrong here", then chances are there is, and you just haven't found out what yet. Back to the drawing-board, find, fix, try again.

My view is that rational logic should be the tool by which emotional needs are satisfied.
One of the defining traits of humans is their ability to defer immediate gratification.
Using logic, rather than emotion, to approach a solution is an extension of this.
Otherwise, you end up with nonsense efforts that "feel good" but raise hell.
The "national security" efforts in the US at present are a good example.
Much of what we despise in history shows signs of the same thing.
Emotions are good, but they don't solve problems on their own.
Logic is good, but it doesn't do anything at all by itself.
Used in tandem, the two can accomplish very much.
I wonder if this is part of what yin / yang means.
With yang as emotion, and yin as logic.
The interplay as enlightened life.
I could just be odd, though.




teamnoir -> RE: D/s and Asperger's Syndrome (7/3/2007 4:59:53 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: BeingChewsie


I agree. We have not unlocked the key to their world yet.

I don't see any correlation into a greater chance of being abused and Asperger's syndrome. I think people perhaps don't understand how the disability manifests itself. I would say there is a greater chance of being an unintentional abuser vs the other way around. We often struggle with empathy issues, say what we think, we tend to be brutally honest to the point of cruelty.


We do have a propensity for being abused. However, it's not the form of abuse most people recognize as abuse. It's social abuse.

I've been called queer, strange, etc, all my life. I've been ostricized for it, teased mercilessly, bullied, and yes, abused. Usually, it occurs because someone is xenophobic and pegs me as being sufficiently different to be "them" instead of "us" or is somehow threatened by that. I don't get it, but my experience is extremely similar to the experiences I read about from gay folks and transgendered folks as they were growing up. Before I knew anything about aspergers, I frequently wondered if I were tg and/or gay primarily on the basis of these experiences. And where and when I grew up, those xenophobic people often didn't know one form of alien from another, so to them, I probably did appear to be homosexual.




teamnoir -> RE: D/s and Asperger's Syndrome (7/3/2007 5:01:29 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Calandra
I have finally found a local professional who works with this disorder, but I am unsure if they only work with the one who's diagnosed, or with the AS sufferers support system too.


Please be careful with that phrase "sufferers". I no more "suffer" from being aspie than people of color suffer from being people of color. it's a feature of my identity that I live with daily and a way in which i differ from most of the rest of you. Yes, I have problems. Who doesn't? And yes, my problems tend to fall into patterns that are eerily similar to other aspies and surprisingly unlike the problems most of you face.




teamnoir -> RE: D/s and Asperger's Syndrome (7/3/2007 5:07:15 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Calandra

Has anyone used journalling as a tool to encourage communication? If so, how does that work out?



I have. It's a common tool in magickal learnings and a common tool in dealing with multiplicity. Also, livejournal rocks, (and has an excellent aspie forum).

Journaling is helpful, but not for any of the reasons you probably think. Most people use journaling as a means of sorting out how they feel. While I do that some, mostly, I do a really good job of sorting out how I feel on my own. What I don't do is communicate that very well to a very large audience. And journaling on lj has given me practice at that.

What has helped me has been NLP. NLP changed my life. (Yes, I know I sound like a fanatic). But really, the fact that NLP helped me and how was one of the big clues to me that I was aspie.

What we need, when we're willing to learn, is people who are willing to talk with us about body language and minutia of human interaction that you've probably never considered before. If I lean over and ask someone, "why does A think that B is (fill-in-the-blank)", it's because there appears to be some clue, some information which has been telegraphed, that I missed. Maybe I missed it because I was out of the room, but it's also entirely possible that the information was passed by inference and I just missed the inference. For me to learn how to make those inferences, I need to talk with people specifically and explicitly about those inferences. I need to poll people to see how other people do it. And I need to watch people who do it well and model them. (These are all skills I learned through NLP, btw).

So, while journaling can help, I think that frank, open discussion, discussion that may frequently seem to you like overdiscussing, is likely to be more useful - assuming he's interested in learning. And not all aspies are.




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