RE: .limits.

RE: .limits. (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

Celeste43 -> RE: .limits. (6/30/2007 4:41:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Najakcharmer That depends. If someone says, "Sushi is a hard limit for me because I think raw fish is icky and slimy," I might push that limit, and also pay close attention to their use of the term "hard limit" in the future since I don't think we have quite the same definition. If someone cites childhood abuse, severe deep rooted phobia, a clinical or medical condition or something else along those lines, and discusses potentially problematic triggers that they consider hard limits in consensual D/s scenes, that I respect. There are two problems here. If you decide to force them to eat sushi and they vomit in response, you are left with a very unhappy sub and an equally unhappy restaurant owner. As far as "severe deep-rooted phobia" goes, you are setting yourself up to judge what is a 'minor' phobia and what isn't. Unless you are a trained therapist who has been treating the sub, you aren't capable of judging this. And if you are treating them, you damn well shouldn't be playing with them. In either case, you are dismissive of them, disbelieving of them, and highly disrespectful. You really think that this is the way to get someone to love, admire and trust you? Because it isn't.

kyraofMists -> RE: .limits. (6/30/2007 7:05:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: velvetears He defines the limits but i am sure when you first met and got to know each other you knew what he was into and what his preferences were. If at that time you learned of something he would be doing to you that you realized you could not tolerate, you would have more then likely not agreed to be a slave to him. Yes, I learned what he was into and what his preferences were. However, his preferences have also changed since I have become his slave. When I became his, needles was something that I listed as a limit; not going to go there because of trauma as a child. He was not interested in needles. It was a good match. In the past two years he has become very interested in needles and he now has several boxes of them and he will use them on me. His interest grew mainly because of my reaction to them and it has become a fear that I had to work on and I am learning to overcome. He will not harm me, but he will use needles on me even though it is something that I was very adamant that I did not want when we met. That is what I mean when I say he sets my limits. It is not necessarily a match in limits, but he chooses what mine will be even though I would choose something different for myself. This is not a semantical issue. quote: When two people align their limits so they both mesh with each other it becomes, in my opinion, a game of semantics - "his limits", "my limits", it's all the same limits at that point. Limits aren't things you just don't like - in my opinion anyway, they are things you are not capable of doing, every human being has limits of some sort. The M/s continues on it's "limitless" path because the master is smart enough to understand not to engage in activities that the slave will react strongly to or that he feels will harm her in some way psychologically and or physically. They don't have to be spoken to be there. He engages in activites quite often that I react strongly to. My emotions do not control this relationship. I have to manage my emotions and maintain the behaviors that he expects. As long as he is not harming me, he will do what he wants even if it is incredibly painful and emotionally challenging for me. Having a Master who is also a sadist is a very intense combination. There is only one boundary; I will not be harmed, but everything else is a possibility. As a Master he will push his authority in all aspects of my life. As a sadist the areas where I would limit myself are the ones that appeal to him the most. Knight's Kyra

stella40 -> RE: .limits. (7/1/2007 12:17:09 AM)
Here again we see how one word - limit - can be interpreted differently by different people. Confusing, isn't it? What is the main point here? Using the correct terminology or getting the message across? Which is more important? I am 'no limits'. Why? I have completely ditched the word 'limit' and now prefer to use 'boundary' and 'unexplored territory' or even 'open to discussion'. Boundary is pretty clear, something I indicate as a boundary isn't to be crossed. And not all my boundaries are open to discussion either. 'Unexplored territory' and 'open to discussion' can be replaced by 'no experience' or 'no preference'. Successful interaction between Dominant and submissive is based on clarity of expression and open, clear lines of communication and I'm not prepared to compromise on this by using the correct terminology which may cause confusion or ambiguity.

becca333 -> RE: .limits. (7/1/2007 12:28:11 AM)
I have hard limits which are not negotiable. Nobody is going to push me to challenge them. But I sometimes revisit them and challenge myself when I feel confident enough to go a step further. I'll ask if we can experiment.... just a little..... and he's usually pleased to help me try something new. I've found some real personal favourites that way. Knowing he'll take care of me and wait till I'm ready gives me the confidence to push myself a little further each time. He has limits too, there are things he won't do to me. Mostly we're in total agreement. If not, his 'no' outvotes my 'yes'.

velvetears -> RE: .limits. (7/1/2007 6:06:41 AM)
i agree stella that the word "limit" is defined by it's users and the definition of the word will appear in how it is applied. i think that is why there are so many debates on so many topics most of the time here. Sometimes you can sit back and say - hey they are really saying/meaning the same thing but are both using the same word in a different context or apply a different meaning to it. When i say limit i mean something someone cannot do even if they sincerely want to do it. For instance, a runner may want to run a mile in 4 minutes but he can only run it on a little over 5 minutes. No matter how hard he trains, etc he simply will never be able to run that 4 minute mile - this is a limit. A bdsm example: i may want to engage in breath play with my dom and please him by allowing him to cut off my oxygen, but if when he tries to do so my body reacts in ways i have totally no control over out of a panic, or fight or flight mode i would say i hit a limit. i also think limits imposed for the safety of a person are good things. Scat is a limit for me. i don't think it is safe and i find it extremely distasteful (to say the least). If a dom asked this of me it would send up a red flag to me that he did not care about my safety and well being. Just because someone has a certain fetish it doesn't mean automatically it's safe to enagage in. Every submissive comes with a past history filled with experiences the dom can't possibly know till he's been with her for a long period of time. i would rather state something as a limit rather than chance something happening to me that would be psychologically detrimental simply because my dom wasn't aware of something.

RCdc -> RE: .limits. (7/1/2007 6:17:38 AM)
Kyra I love reading your posts, simply because you always leave room for thought. Your post lit up another bulb (thats three for me this week[;)]) - so many times people go on and on about the limits of submissive types - and fail to recognise that dominants not only have limits, but that they change as well. It is so easy to say, 'don't go into a relationship where your not compatable' - but what happens when compatability alters over time? It's always 'yay great' when a submissives limits alter to include needles or blood play or some other play that they never considered before, but if a dominant suddenly wants to try something new which was never discussed beforehand - then they are accused of abusing their position/role/submissive by even suggesting it.(allegedly). Seen it happen so many times. I do agree with you, it isn't just semantics on that issue. Thank you for the post. Peace the.dark.

jaunty1 -> RE: .limits. (7/1/2007 7:28:23 AM)
Quite honestly, I do not believe in limits; hard or soft. I perfer to think in terms of personal boundaries. Since melissa and I do not engage in the play aspects of BDSM; the so called limits that you speak of are of no use to our relationship. She does not have any; I do not have any. We both do, however, have personal boundaries that the other would never consider crossing over. We both know what and where these boundaries are; and we both know that the chance of these boundaries ever changing are very, very slim. Quite honestly, I would not want to be in a relationship that was defined by what I could and could not do. Sounds a bit stifling to me. Live well Alex

grlneedstolearn -> RE: .limits. (7/1/2007 7:32:58 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ELUSIVE1 I can't imagine how anyone would grow in this lifestyle without pushing limits...mine are constantly changing...not the'hardlimits' which are the same as most on here...but for example--I used to say no needle play--Saturday I had a syringe stuck down straight through each nipple...not sideways like a nipple ring, straight down through...and MP is ordering a larger gauge...I joke that my hard limits are power tools...don't see that changing anytime soon... i have to agree with you, i had a hard limit of wax play because there was no way i was gonna let myself get burned by the candle. But now i love it and would take wax play any day [:D]

cjenny -> RE: .limits. (7/1/2007 7:34:13 AM)
Something that frustrates me is when someone declares they are a no limits person. Suddenly it is assumed that means they are fine with having a limb chopped off. Why not ask if they are permitted to breathe? Or eat? Every no limits person I have spoken to assumes that others realise the basic life needs do NOT fall into that catagory. I see those that freak out over it as people simply wanting to argue and claim that their way of having limits is THE only way to be. I have no limits with my dom. I don't worry that one day he will get out a saw and go for my ankle, that he will refuse to let me eat or breathe. What it means is that I know he is a sane rational person & I trust him not to harm me. After being with him nearly 7 years I feel totally safe in saying 'Yup, I have no limits.' It doesn't mean I can't question him or say no please that scares me. It simply means that I know he won't hurt me.

KnightofMists -> RE: .limits. (7/1/2007 7:57:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark It is so easy to say, 'don't go into a relationship where your not compatable' - but what happens when compatability alters over time? Yeah it sure is an easy thing to say... but not so easy to do. I have yet to meet a couple that is one hundred percent compatible. We always seem to have things that don't seem to meld well together. But, for many relationships this little bit that is not compatible is not important aspect of the relationship. In fact, when choose to enter into he relationship we are accepting this little bit of incompatibility as acceptable. But Relationships will grow and change, sometimes the compatibility will grow closer and sometimes it will be farther apart. The success of the relationship will often will be dependent on the roots of the relationship that a person is compatible at. Our beliefs, morals, ethics etc are far more important than if we will do knife play or watersports. In fact, I would say... if your compatibility of ethics/morals are in line, then a difference of wanting and not wanting to do knife play actually become far less important. When I met Kyra she was but a baby in the depths of her understanding of the lifestyle and even less so with her place within it. Going into a Hard Limits etc as important as they are, was going to have limited value. Instead, I began more with an appreciate of understanding if there was a compatibiliy in our personalities/morals/beliefs etc. In time, I began to understand some of the things that interested her as far as play goes and a fair amount that scared the shit out of her. Right from the beginning, once it became apparent that she was interested in seeing if we would be a match, I communicated very strongly that what I do is far more than she can even comprehend at this moment. I recall with amusement the first time she watch me play. She sat in the corner of the dungeon as I played alandra. I think she was to scared to run at the moment. I told her what I did and would happen to her and then some. That as my slave her self-imposed limits do not restrict me as her Master. The only thing that will restrict me is my own ethics and morality... I will Do my Will... But I will NOT harm you! From conversations we had she express a fear and limits of Fire and Knife play. Both occurred to her in that first week that she was mine. Yes, I Push my girls hard.. I expect much from them. I am demanding! The very things that make them nervous/stressed etc are the very things that I push. With my support.. they will conquer the very things that limit them, limits that they themselves imposed. Both girls are exceptionally determined individuals and to be mine they had to be. I was lucky with Alandra... she came in my life with the right Character set that was compatible to me. By the time Kyra came along, I understood to greater degree the character of the person that I needed in my life. I accepted Kyra in my life. I accepted her because she would flourish within my life and so would both I and Alandra. In my M/s dynamic there is an inherent consequence that the limits imposed by the slave will be conquered. They will be tossed aside one by one. They have there imposed limits.. but being in my M/s structure, they don't have the option to exercise those limits. The authority rests with me and they know that their imposed-limits are like waving a red blanket in front of a bull. Becoming mine means all of them become either challenges or boundaries in my eyes. One by one.. I will decide if it will be a challenge to over-come or a boundary needed to protect their welll-being.

MadRabbit -> RE: .limits. (7/1/2007 8:58:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark It is so easy to say, 'don't go into a relationship where your not compatable' - but what happens when compatability alters over time? Yeah it sure is an easy thing to say... but not so easy to do. I have yet to meet a couple that is one hundred percent compatible. We always seem to have things that don't seem to meld well together. But, for many relationships this little bit that is not compatible is not important aspect of the relationship. In fact, when choose to enter into he relationship we are accepting this little bit of incompatibility as acceptable. But Relationships will grow and change, sometimes the compatibility will grow closer and sometimes it will be farther apart. The success of the relationship will often will be dependent on the roots of the relationship that a person is compatible at. Our beliefs, morals, ethics etc are far more important than if we will do knife play or watersports. In fact, I would say... if your compatibility of ethics/morals are in line, then a difference of wanting and not wanting to do knife play actually become far less important. When I met Kyra she was but a baby in the depths of her understanding of the lifestyle and even less so with her place within it. Going into a Hard Limits etc as important as they are, was going to have limited value. Instead, I began more with an appreciate of understanding if there was a compatibiliy in our personalities/morals/beliefs etc. In time, I began to understand some of the things that interested her as far as play goes and a fair amount that scared the shit out of her. Right from the beginning, once it became apparent that she was interested in seeing if we would be a match, I communicated very strongly that what I do is far more than she can even comprehend at this moment. I recall with amusement the first time she watch me play. She sat in the corner of the dungeon as I played alandra. I think she was to scared to run at the moment. I told her what I did and would happen to her and then some. That as my slave her self-imposed limits do not restrict me as her Master. The only thing that will restrict me is my own ethics and morality... I will Do my Will... But I will NOT harm you! From conversations we had she express a fear and limits of Fire and Knife play. Both occurred to her in that first week that she was mine. Yes, I Push my girls hard.. I expect much from them. I am demanding! The very things that make them nervous/stressed etc are the very things that I push. With my support.. they will conquer the very things that limit them, limits that they themselves imposed. Both girls are exceptionally determined individuals and to be mine they had to be. I was lucky with Alandra... she came in my life with the right Character set that was compatible to me. By the time Kyra came along, I understood to greater degree the character of the person that I needed in my life. I accepted Kyra in my life. I accepted her because she would flourish within my life and so would both I and Alandra. In my M/s dynamic there is an inherent consequence that the limits imposed by the slave will be conquered. They will be tossed aside one by one. They have there imposed limits.. but being in my M/s structure, they don't have the option to exercise those limits. The authority rests with me and they know that their imposed-limits are like waving a red blanket in front of a bull. Becoming mine means all of them become either challenges or boundaries in my eyes. One by one.. I will decide if it will be a challenge to over-come or a boundary needed to protect their welll-being. I agree wholeheartedly with Knight of Mists. My own lifestyle and views have been slowly developing in par with what he has said here. I do my best with any potential partner to educate and inform them as much as possible regarding my beliefs/lifestyle/ethics/methods and most of all, what I will expect. I think its extremely important for a dominant to spend a lot of time with introspection and figuring out just what exactly they want from a slave as opposed to just jumping straight into a M/S relationship and finding out as they go. However, in the end, I realize I will grow and change and the question of "What if I decide on something that might be too much for my partner?" always plagues my mind. I am not nearly as much of a sadist as Knight of Mists. I have a few kinks that I know of that could easily be checked off as hard limits, but mostly, what I desire isnt too much of a concern for me. However, ten years from now when my sadist side has grown more and more threw experience, that can drastically change. There is no magic answer for the unknown possibilities that can arise in the future regarding the demands of a Master and the limits of a slave. All a person can do is be flexible, communicate, use good judgement and find healthy ways to move past these things. I figured out awhile ago I couldnt be happy with the "Well, we'll just do things we both like.", but rather, I needed a relationship where it was entirely done my way.

charismagirrl -> RE: .limits. (7/1/2007 9:59:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists quote: ORIGINAL: charismagirrl Relationships no matter what they are, vanilla, friendships, and M/s or D/s require some sacrifice at some points. Don't they? ~cherry Not to speak for LA... since she indeed does very well in speaking for herself. But.. it was my impression from her comments.. that a M/s relationship is not about the Slave constantly Scarificing. That it is not Suppose to be the slave Scarificing in all things!! I would think that sometimes.. the slave actually gets some pleasure on what they are doing and don't feel like they are giving up anything to do it. In other cases, I am sure they feel like they are scarificing something to do what they do... but interesting sometimes they might even enjoy that and others times maybe not so much. i'm sorry if i didn't make myself more clear. i didn't mean to infer that a submissive should be the only one to sacrifice in all things. i was basically refering to velvettears post where it was said, something to the effect that i (and others who share my POV i would guess) are romanticizing "no limits" slavery and mistakenly thinking that it is all sacrificing and a deep commitment. my reply was that i feel it is a DEEP commitment and that it IS sacrificing (isn't is supposed to be?)....i didn't differentiate between my statement and velvettears' ALL sacrificing(and should have) but in my response to L.A. i think i made it clear that even my Master sometimes sacrifices one of his wants for my happiness. Also, if i am understanding you correctly, i agree that in my personal journey in slavery i get much joy out of alot of what i do or am asked to do and don't constantly think of things that i am sacrificing to live the life i have chosen to live. That being said though, i do sacrifice alot by being a house slave (when i stopand think about it), but i also get alot in return and happiness is a big part of that. Some days it is much more difficult than others but on the larger scale it is a great sacrifice that i am happy to make. This may be a poor analogy but i could equate it to wanting to eat something i really love, that i KNOW i really love and then making a choice to sacrifice the desire to eat that to eat something that i'm not too sure about. It smells good, it looks delicious but it isn't what i thought i was going to eat.....Only to go through with not eating what i wanted, eating this other thing and finding out that i love it much much more than the thing i thought i wanted. i still sacrificed what i wanted but the end had much better results than what i expected or could've drempt of. When i say sacrifice it isn't necessarily a bad thing, on the contrary,sometimes it is a part of growth and learning (IMO) Sometimes you have to give up something known to get the really good thing that you were unsure of that is hiding behind DOOR #3. Anyway, lol, i hope i made some sense at all.

IrishMist -> RE: .limits. (7/1/2007 1:06:53 PM)
In the past, I was the one who would have stepped up and said with finality that yes, I would have died for him; I would have killed for him; I would have done anything quite happily if he had asked. I now know that people change; sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. I look back at who I used to be and can do nothing more than shake my head in sadness. 99% of what I have done in the past, I would never consider anymore. Perhaps I have just come to a stage where I realize that I don't have anything to prove anymore; or perhaps my past experiences have just shown me that I have too much to live for to put myself in that position again. Limits, boundaries; whatever you choose to call them; are flexible, whether a person realizes it or not. I tend to look at them now much like the rules that I have in place for raising my daughter. They can be bent, but never broken. And they can only be bent when the parties involved are willing to accept the responsibility for the consequenses.

Rover -> RE: .limits. (7/1/2007 1:53:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cjenny I have no limits with my dom. I don't worry that one day he will get out a saw and go for my ankle, that he will refuse to let me eat or breathe. What it means is that I know he is a sane rational person & I trust him not to harm me. After being with him nearly 7 years I feel totally safe in saying 'Yup, I have no limits.' It doesn't mean I can't question him or say no please that scares me. It simply means that I know he won't hurt me. Honestly, any objective reading of this would agree that you have limits, even if they are the most basic human limits of death and dismemberment, but you trust your Dominant not to harm you by exceeding them. I can see no objective reading that would indicate that you have no limits. Trusting one's Dominant does not make limits cease to exist. Don't feel badly, that's neither a criticism nor a denigration. It's simply a reality. John

ownedgirlie -> RE: .limits. (7/1/2007 3:18:59 PM)
~ Fast Reply ~ I have limits. I am physically limited in what I am capable of doing. For example, I can not fly, so if Master told me to jump off a tall building and fly around for awhile, I could not do that. I can't hold my breath indefinitely, either, or my body will eventually shut down, thus totally disobeying him. [;)] This subject comes up so often, and people get really wrapped up in others' definition of limits, which I don't think I'll ever understand. But I will say that in my relationship to my Master, I do not tell him no. Period. As for "matching limits," there are many things I said I would never do in my life, and knowing he had no interest at all in doing them, I felt "safe" from that possibility ever coming up. But people evolve and explore and guess what folks, he discovered interests in things that didn't interest him before, and lo and behold, I get to do them. As for the typical dismemberment or jumping off a bridge hypotheticals, I live in reality, and I live each day in the present. I don't play a lot of "what if" games, but I'd be willing to bet if one of those crazy hypotheticals actually came up as something he wanted to do, he would handle it as he has handled virtually every other "limit pusher" in my life - he would explore my heart and mind and get a very real feeling for how I would respond to it and how I feel about it, and then he would make the ultimate decision about it. With a three year track record of making spot-on correct decisions for me, I really have no worries about the future.

Page: << < prev 1 2 3 [4]

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

6.347656E-02