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When Compatibility Changes - 7/1/2007 9:11:21 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		A couple of threads over this past week have inspired this one.  The first was Feeling Taken Advantage Of and then a post that .dark made in her limits thread.  

In the first thread the slave had to provide more service than what was agreed to at the beginning of the relationship.  In the second thread, I gave an example from my life where an activity that was a limit for me was something he was not interested in.  His interest has now grown and I have to work past the fears so that I am able to participate in this activity in a positive way.

For myself, I entered my relationship based on his character and not the activities that he preferred.  His activities list (especially in regards to SM) is growing and he feels a push to expand even more.  That is a rather daunting experience since I am going to be on the receiving end of his growing sadism, but the character of the man gives me faith that I will not be harmed.   

What happens when your partner’s desires change over time?  What happens when they expand so much that they are now interested in things that you didn’t want to do or participate in?  Is there a difference if the person changing is the dominant or the submissive in the relationship?

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus
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RE: When Compatibility Changes - 7/1/2007 9:22:53 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		You hope that you change together.  You hope that you get happiness out of things to a significant level so that the actual compatibility is irrelevant.  You try to work things out so that everyone's still getting what works for them by making changes.

But sometimes things change too much.  I think my first relationship ended because *I* changed too much from 18 to 22- where they wanted our lives to go was no longer what worked for me as a person. 

For me, loving someone means allowing them to be who they are- even if that means not being with me.  That is my ultimate priority and nothing is allowed to interfere with that.  So, even if it meant the relationship had to change or end, if they did change to a certain point, I'd want them to do what they needed to do for their own sense of fulfillment.

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RE: When Compatibility Changes - 7/1/2007 9:26:38 AM   
beargonewild


Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

What happens when your partner’s desires change over time?  What happens when they expand so much that they are now interested in things that you didn’t want to do or participate in?  Is there a difference if the person changing is the dominant or the submissive in the relationship?

Knight's Kyra


Greetings kyra.
   It will be enevitable that the needs of the people in the relationship will change over time. It's my thoughts and feelings that this is the time where a good heart to hert communication is important. Both parties should discuss the change in needs and desires and the fears they may have, especially when one person is unsure if they are able to meet these needs. There is a difference between the changes for a Dom and/or a sub. Though logically, the dominannt's desire will have a greater importance, at the same time, the submissive's aprehension will be taken into consderation also. I see part of the dominants task is to guide their sub into these changes at a pace which is conductive to both people effortlessly and without too much fear and turmoil. Yes there will be some cases where the sub is too fearful of some changes in their dominant partner and will staunchly balk at this. That's when careful negotiations are needed to determine if these new fears are from lack of knowledge or from a moral point of view. I may be way off base on this but this is what I believe.

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RE: When Compatibility Changes - 7/1/2007 10:03:59 AM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline 		This thread reminds me of the situation I am in with my sister. Very timely posting, kyra.

The only thing that remains the same is change. It is inevitable. Hopefully the changes we experience with are partners are tolerable (or wonderful). In my experience, however, it is difficult to maintain a common goal and grow ~together~ instead of apart. That's just me.

Add an additional person in the relationship (in my case a poly relationship) and it becomes even more complicated. Throw in some UM's (four of them) and there is an even great chance for divergence of at least one partner. ~shrug~ It's not something I worry about - I've had two husbands, play friends, boyfriends, other partners, and although very few of them remain in my life I had a ~great~ time, learned a lot, and would not change a thing.

We all change. We grow, find new limits, push off old ones, generate new interests, and discover new goals. It is hard to find someone who will let us be ourselves, encourage it, even in the face of being "left behind". Life would be great if it were a fairy tale but it's all we've got to work with.

My only advice is to embrace change, accept oneself, tread lightly, and if a split is inevitable, do it with love, grace, and gratitude.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

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RE: When Compatibility Changes - 7/1/2007 10:17:09 AM   
shyinini


Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

A couple of threads over this past week have inspired this one.  The first was Feeling Taken Advantage Of and then a post that .dark made in her limits thread.  

Kyra, this is a  most excellent topic...thank you !!  I must confess, I could not relateto the topic of the slave, and wasnt sure I understood it fully until I read your  brief of it.  Limits have never seemed a concern in my present relationship.  But I also believe as someone did post limitsand limitations are different.      But the word compatability did catch my attention.         

In the first thread the slave had to provide more service than what was agreed to at the beginning of the relationship.  In the second thread, I gave an example from my life where an activity that was a limit for me was something he was not interested in.  His interest has now grown and I have to work past the fears so that I am able to participate in this activity in a positive way.

For myself, I entered my relationship based on his character and not the activities that he preferred. 

My Sir and I DO feel compatability as a D/s couple do fall under character and activities.  Even if he is all as a man I ever wanted and needed but he was a sadist, we could not be compatable.  I told him I was not into pain as a form to create a form of sexual submission.  I like some pain sexually, but pain for me is humiliation, emotionally. Some sadists relish this.
 
His activities list (especially in regards to SM) is growing and he feels a push to expand even more.  That is a rather daunting experience since I am going to be on the receiving end of his growing sadism, but the character of the man gives me faith that I will not be harmed.   
This is what I consider implicit trust.

What happens when your partner’s desires change over time?  What happens when they expand so much that they are now interested in things that you didn’t want to do or participate in?  Is there a difference if the person changing is the dominant or the submissive in the relationship?

Knight's Kyra

 
I think bear says it well.... but doesnt go far enough.  My Sir feels that if I should EVER come to fear him at all, we are not compatable.  If he wishes to guide me into activities, then I must either trust him to guide, or he is not the one for me.

If we are truly growing as one, we feel the activities will be shared, either by interest or discussion.  He has already told me, infact, again and again, that if I in anyway am apprehensive with anything, my submissive character is more important to him and that as we continue to grow, sexual activities will grow as well.
He is far more "experienced" in his bdsm activity than I am.  He says though, he has done just about everything and most of what he has done just doesnt appeal to him.
 
I do know, we have both really settled in the D/s relationship part of who we are and the activities (bdsm) are only secondary. 
 
Our compatability is something we carefully guard as we grow.
 
quote:

ORIGINAL: beargonewild 
I see part of the dominants task is to guide their sub into these changes at a pace which is conductive to both people effortlessly and without too much fear and turmoil. Yes there will be some cases where the sub is too fearful of some changes in their dominant partner and will staunchly balk at this.


Sir's girl

Edited to add....very well stated slaveish


< Message edited by shyinini -- 7/1/2007 10:19:50 AM >

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A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.


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RE: When Compatibility Changes - 7/1/2007 10:20:30 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists


What happens when your partner’s desires change over time?  What happens when they expand so much that they are now interested in things that you didn’t want to do or participate in?  Is there a difference if the person changing is the dominant or the submissive in the relationship?

Knight's Kyra


For me, this is very dependent on the change. Valyraen's desires have changed over time, growing more and more interested in domination and controlling me. Most of the time it's a good thing, however we are now experiencing "growing pains" as we begin my actual training so to speak.

For us though, when a desire in sadism is expressed, it's generally from my side and I want to receive it. Perhaps that makes it easier as he can simply say "no". I wasn't at all interested in needles when we got together and now, after talking to Master Fire about them and doing a report on them, I actually want to try it. While Valyraen refuses to do it, he has said that he may allow another experienced dominant to do this to me.

I honestly don't know what I would do if he suddenly changed and his mind and wanted to do things to me that I strongly didn't want done to me. I think it would depend on the activity. I wouldn't ever want to serve as a complete human toliet, but I could see me, for his pleasure, doing a few services to him there. I do not think that I would ever do anything with my mouth and his anus, and because he knows my feelings on the matter and regards them as valid, he would never ask me to. However, he might ask to me to do something else that was previously a limit of some sort.

I would hope that I could try whatever this new activity was, that he would give me time to warm up to it, and that he could accept it if I simply could not enjoy it. Or that he would accept it if I simply could not do again, if it injured me emotionally or raised my stress too much. If it was something that I simply could not do because it injured me emotionally then we would probably find an outlet, like play parties, where he could do this activity and I could continue to serve by assisting.


_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

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RE: When Compatibility Changes - 7/1/2007 10:57:54 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		There are things I could do even though they don't interest me. But I couldn't do them daily. And there are things that I won't ever be able to accept.

So he would have to decide if he wanted me more than he wanted the activity. I hope he would decide I was more important to him. But that's his decision. I won't change myself into someone I neither know nor like just to stay in his life. I'm worth more than that.


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RE: When Compatibility Changes - 7/1/2007 11:44:50 AM   
GhitaAmati


Posts: 3263
Joined: 5/30/2007
Status: offline 		My husband and I are working through a similar problem right now. When we first met 4 years ago, I knew he was vanilla but had been around the lifestyle with friends and ex-girlfriends and he knew I had been in the lifestyle for years and it had been a very big part of my life (actually part of my job as well as my relationship..no i wasnt a pro domme, worked for a guy who built dungeon furniture, meant we went to alot of fetish parties for business). At the time I had backed away from teh lifestyle and swore to him that I was ok with him being vanilla because I had no desire for a Dom and it wasnt what i wanted anymore. Over the years, our relationship has grown, and I have realized more and more that I wish I'd never left the lifestyle. He is being wonderful and going with me to play parties and learning more and more about the lifestyle. I doubt he will ever actually be a "Dom" in the since most of you think of the word, but he has become a rather competant "Top" during our play time. Its working out well for us, we talk and discuss everything and yes, he is scared there will be a point where he cant provide for me what I need, and I dont know what will happen if we come to that point. Right now we just take one day at a time.

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RE: When Compatibility Changes - 7/1/2007 11:52:27 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

There are things I could do even though they don't interest me. But I couldn't do them daily. And there are things that I won't ever be able to accept.

So he would have to decide if he wanted me more than he wanted the activity. I hope he would decide I was more important to him. But that's his decision. I won't change myself into someone I neither know nor like just to stay in his life. I'm worth more than that.




i totally agree.

communication really is key, as always.

i wish you luck..kyra.

< Message edited by crouchingtigress -- 7/1/2007 11:53:03 AM >

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RE: When Compatibility Changes - 7/1/2007 12:00:50 PM   
CitizenCane


Posts: 349
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveish

This thread reminds me of the situation I am in with my sister. Very timely posting, kyra.

The only thing that remains the same is change. It is inevitable. Hopefully the changes we experience with are partners are tolerable (or wonderful). In my experience, however, it is difficult to maintain a common goal and grow ~together~ instead of apart. That's just me.

Add an additional person in the relationship (in my case a poly relationship) and it becomes even more complicated. Throw in some UM's (four of them) and there is an even great chance for divergence of at least one partner. ~shrug~ It's not something I worry about - I've had two husbands, play friends, boyfriends, other partners, and although very few of them remain in my life I had a ~great~ time, learned a lot, and would not change a thing.

We all change. We grow, find new limits, push off old ones, generate new interests, and discover new goals. It is hard to find someone who will let us be ourselves, encourage it, even in the face of being "left behind". Life would be great if it were a fairy tale but it's all we've got to work with.

My only advice is to embrace change, accept oneself, tread lightly, and if a split is inevitable, do it with love, grace, and gratitude.


An admirable outlook. Are you sure you aren't a Taoist?
I will say that there are 'realities' of life that relate to economics, survival, aging, children, and so on that do tend to urge the desirability of sustaining partnerships on us.
Putting aside for the moment the question of the role of emotional attachment in D/s relationships, it's a fact that we live in a world in which relatively few people have the economic power to have a secure and completely independent existence. Most of us do depend, if not for our bare survival, at least for many of the comforts and conveniences of life, on sharing 'benefits' with others that cannot be easily or sensibly placed in the context of economic exchange. Loss of a partner can have devastating consequences on the other(s) that have nothing to do with emotional dependency.
This is one reason that I view 'the relationship' as an entity in itself, rather than just the intersection of two people's interests. Placing value on the relationship itself helps people grow and change in compatible ways (always assuming, of course, that both (all) parties invest in this perspective).


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RE: When Compatibility Changes - 7/1/2007 1:30:36 PM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		You have to hope that you grow together, but the truth is that doesnt always happen. And unfortunetly it does cause a lot of splits. However I at least have faith that no matter how Masters interests change he will always have my best interest at heart, Like if he sudenly became interested in something like needle play, which I am terrefied of I would trust that he wouldnt subject me to that because he knows it would be emotionaly devistateing to me, if a new interest like that poped up then there would need to be a lot of communication and working out how he could explore this new found kink. I have no limits with Master however I am safe in saying that because i know things that may have been limits because they are emotionaly harmfull to me or physicaly harmfull to me Master wont do even though he knows he could if he wanted to because he has no wish to harm me in any way.

Magik's slave


_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



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RE: When Compatibility Changes - 7/1/2007 1:57:48 PM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline 		People grow and evolve over time.  Over time partners either grow together, or grow apart.  And the difference between the two is not simply a matter of desire or commitment.  Sometimes it's a function of fundamental elements that are either complimentary, or contrasting.
 
John

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RE: When Compatibility Changes - 7/1/2007 2:32:04 PM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CitizenCane

An admirable outlook. Are you sure you aren't a Taoist?



Thanks.

I am a Taoist every now and Zen.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

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RE: When Compatibility Changes - 7/1/2007 3:09:12 PM   
CitizenCane


Posts: 349
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveish

quote:

ORIGINAL: CitizenCane

An admirable outlook. Are you sure you aren't a Taoist?



Thanks.

I am a Taoist every now and Zen.


That was painful.

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RE: When Compatibility Changes - 7/1/2007 3:23:35 PM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CitizenCane

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveish

quote:

ORIGINAL: CitizenCane

An admirable outlook. Are you sure you aren't a Taoist?



Thanks.

I am a Taoist every now and Zen.


That was painful.



Red.
 
John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

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RE: When Compatibility Changes - 7/1/2007 3:54:35 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

A couple of threads over this past week have inspired this one. The first was Feeling Taken Advantage Of and then a post that .dark made in her limits thread.

In the first thread the slave had to provide more service than what was agreed to at the beginning of the relationship. In the second thread, I gave an example from my life where an activity that was a limit for me was something he was not interested in. His interest has now grown and I have to work past the fears so that I am able to participate in this activity in a positive way.

For myself, I entered my relationship based on his character and not the activities that he preferred. His activities list (especially in regards to SM) is growing and he feels a push to expand even more. That is a rather daunting experience since I am going to be on the receiving end of his growing sadism, but the character of the man gives me faith that I will not be harmed.

What happens when your partner’s desires change over time? What happens when they expand so much that they are now interested in things that you didn’t want to do or participate in? Is there a difference if the person changing is the dominant or the submissive in the relationship?

Knight's Kyra


Because I'm poly, when Fox wants to do things I don't, he can look for another person to play with and then get my permission to do so. He's a rubber fetishist, I'm not even close. I happy for him to find and talk to and even play with other rubber fetishists.

The only change that would seriously affect us is the authority dynamic itself. If he no longer felt like my slave, he'd be out. Period. I have no interest in him as a boyfriend and he's known that from the start.

It might have something to do with me being the dominant but if I changed and needed something from him that was not fundamentally what he wanted or needed, I'd expect him to say "goodbye" to me too.

We didn't give up our abilities or basic human rights as adults when we signed our ownership contract. We took on the mutual responsibility to support and maintain the authority dynamic for as long as we both want it.


_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

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Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

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RE: When Compatibility Changes - 7/1/2007 4:10:02 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		I entered a relationship with Darcy, because of him.  Not just because of his activities, or his past or his present but because I see a future with him.  It means I know that things will change and that I submit to that change - it's called compromising.  We have things in common - we also have huge differences that we accept about each other.  But it is accepting and still loving each other for who the person is makes the difference -well, at least - it does to me.
 
I think that there is a perception that when a submissive moves on it is seen as a positive thing.  For dominants, when they move on they are accused of 'not thinking about their submissive/slave' - if the s-type isn't moving in the same direction - when reality is that people do drift and just like any relationship - you find a solution and if you can;t there isn't anyone to 'blame' - it's just the end.
 
Peace
the.dark.

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RE: When Compatibility Changes - 7/1/2007 4:15:16 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

I entered a relationship with Darcy, because of him.  Not just because of his activities, or his past or his present but because I see a future with him.  It means I know that things will change and that I submit to that change

 
This was beautiful.

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RE: When Compatibility Changes - 7/1/2007 6:28:13 PM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CitizenCane

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveish

quote:

ORIGINAL: CitizenCane

An admirable outlook. Are you sure you aren't a Taoist?



Thanks.

I am a Taoist every now and Zen.


That was painful.




Learn to accept and embrace your pain, allow it to open new vistas, to broaden your life skills. In this pain you will find pleasure. In pleasure you find enlightenment; thus, the amount and duration of your pain is directly proportional to the amount of enlightenment you find.

~little cough~

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: When Compatibility Changes - 7/1/2007 6:30:40 PM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

quote:

ORIGINAL: CitizenCane

That was painful.



Red.
 
John



Go wash your bowl.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

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Profile   Post #: 20
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