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RE: how long should i wait to be owned - 7/1/2007 7:34:08 PM   
DrkJourney


Posts: 1917
Joined: 5/6/2007
Status: offline 		ok, I have a question

I know you say that you are new to the lifestyle...but are you new to online?

I see on your profile that you've been on collarme less than a month....is this guy the first to talk to you?

I'm not one for time tables, I don't think that's the issue....it can be right in an hour or not right until three years....the issue is, from where I'm standing, that he sure seems to be "pushing" 

I mean you should never give up control of your profile to anyone...and I notice when he "re-wrote" your profile he didn't bother to use his nik.  You say you have a good job....he is "allowing" for use of a better term, for you to give that up, give up your comfort zone, and move across country with a total stranger...with a time frame of the end of the year.

how many "serious" non bdsm talks have you had?  have you talked on the phone?, voice of any kind?

sweetie, as one that's been through a lot of "talkers" you might not want to turn in your notice just yet. I talked to a guy for a long time....finally forced a meeting, after him dodging me for months....he was nothing but one lie afer another.  And he never changed, even after a "summit" meeting, starting from scratch..he still carried on his lies....can you imagine if I had left my life and moved there to find this out? 

Another, I almost moved to Pa for...he turned out to be a flake and we talked for years, so you just never know.

Do you know how this guy is set up financially?  Does he live in a mansion or a one room shack with no indoor plumbing?  You really should check things out...not because of time, but because of his behavior.  I could be totally wrong, but from what you are saying, he seems to be kind of pushy.

The one I am considering, I have to constantly tell him to slow down....we need to get to know each other...we are meeting in Nov.  I believe a responsible dominant would encourage this, I mean it would be changing his life majorly as well.   I agree with uwinceismile, this is like a marriage...very life altering. 

ok starting to really ramble here...lol  But as just about every one has said...please be careful....From what I"m seeing,  I don't think you want this, at least not this way or you wouldn't be questioning it.

good luck, and please be careful

_____________________________

...Look into my eyes and I'll own you....



(in reply to blacksub40)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: how long should i wait to be owned - 7/1/2007 7:41:02 PM   
goodpet


Posts: 458
Joined: 6/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
Well- what does being owned mean?
Do you mean owned to be "personal property of another human committed solely to their expectations in life until death do us part" sort of thing?
Or do you mean "Something to put on my profile that feels really hot and awesome until one of us finds something cooler?"
And generally, if you have to ask the question, it's not time.


LOL.. Right On... once again you hit it on the head....

what is your definition of slave, sub, Dom, Master, Top, bottom, owned, collared, contract, service, and power exchange,

find out what these mean to you... then find out what he means by them.. make sure you are the same page with the definitions.

and it takes TIME to figure out what they mean to you.  slow down and enjoy the ride, take some time to learn and discover yourself and your interests and needs.

while it is different for everyone, most (not all) most of the long lasting serious committments were slowing the making.. taking months to years before ownership.


(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: how long should i wait to be owned - 7/1/2007 7:43:05 PM   
Faramir


Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: blacksub40

how long should a sub/slave wait before she agree to be owned by a master/dom? i am really feeling this guy that want to own me. we have never met, we talk on the phone all the time. we have been talking on the phone for about 3 weeks is that long enough. i am very new to this i dont have any exp.


You must wait thousands and thousands of years, until the great Elfin Elders return from their sleep in the deepest reaches of space to return and claim the ancient elfin burial grounds beneath Carl's pool.  Then, and only then must you "give up yourself to the Great Red Ape... sexually."

_____________________________

True masters, true subs and slaves, X many years in the lifestyle, Old Guard this and High Protocol that--it's like a convention of D&D nerds were allowed to have sex once, and they decided to make a religion out of it.

(in reply to blacksub40)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: how long should i wait to be owned - 7/1/2007 7:43:48 PM   
psykocloud


Posts: 50
Joined: 1/25/2006
Status: offline 		I have been seeing Sir for over a year now and I am not completely owned yet nor do I wear HIS collar...So I would say wait at least until you two have met.. You have plenty of time, your very new to this, give yourself some time to get your feet wet, learn some things about yourself .

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: how long should i wait to be owned - 7/1/2007 7:59:49 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave
obserde(Sp)

absurd

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: how long should i wait to be owned - 7/1/2007 8:02:03 PM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave
obserde(Sp)

absurd


TY LA... LOL even *I* knew I wasnt spelling that right!!

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: how long should i wait to be owned - 7/1/2007 8:08:48 PM   
wickedredhead4u


Posts: 6
Joined: 5/24/2005
Status: offline 		I think you should meet him first before moving . I agree with Lashra . I wouldnt want to see anyone left penniless hunting for a way back home.And although you have talked on phone several times and get along there doesnt mean you would in real life.Best wishes to you.

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: how long should i wait to be owned - 7/1/2007 8:21:08 PM   
Transdance


Posts: 14
Joined: 6/13/2007
From: below the depths
Status: offline 		My advice is for you to learn more about this person - like others on this thread have said learn all you can about him, how he lives, what his income is like, habits, where he lives.. ect ect. Years and years ago I made the mistake of jumping head long into a meeting with someone who I had barely started to know and that whole experince turned into a major nightmare. I ended up buying a bus ticket and traveling 2 states over only to find out the person was totally not who they said they were. Stuff like this is very serious and deserves to be taken seriously; another thing is you should really soul search and find out if this is truely what you want.

(in reply to blacksub40)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: how long should i wait to be owned - 7/1/2007 9:03:16 PM   
Wildfleurs


Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: blacksub40

how long should a sub/slave wait before she agree to be owned by a master/dom? i am really feeling this guy that want to own me. we have never met, we talk on the phone all the time. we have been talking on the phone for about 3 weeks is that long enough. i am very new to this i dont have any exp.


Three weeks talking on the phone? No thats not long enough.  I think it should be a year of face to face dating at least.

C~


_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to blacksub40)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: how long should i wait to be owned - 7/1/2007 9:27:50 PM   
MissOchistic


Posts: 315
Joined: 4/30/2007
Status: offline 		You are planning a move to his home to be owned by him.

Chances are this means he will also be 100% in control of the finances, at least for a couples months until you can work, if even that. Possibly forever.

You are going to be married, essentially (same if not greater committment) and have no money and no way to leave if he's psycho.

Gee, is three weeks enough? I really don't have a clue either.


_____________________________



"The amount i care for Thee
is more than two, but less than three."

"Submission is a potlatch."

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: how long should i wait to be owned - 7/1/2007 9:40:23 PM   
Valyraen


Posts: 746
Joined: 2/14/2007
Status: offline 		Kitten and I have been together for almost 20 months now... that's by far the longest relationship that either of us have ever had, and we've been living together for the past seven months. At this point in our relationship, I'm not even starting to consider the possibility of collaring/owning her, nor will I consider it as a possibility until I'm damn sure that this is the right decision for me.

As for your situation, there's all sorts of things about it that set off warning klaxons in my head. First off, any time that ANYONE says "if you trust me, you'll let me do this", a major red flag goes up. It may be with the best of intentions in all the world, but that's emotional blackmail, and I don't even put up with it once before that person's ass is out the door.
You've been "seeing" this guy for what? Three weeks, three months, and you're considering committing yourself to him and giving him that massive a degree of control over you? Someone that you've never met? I'm firmly in the "meet the guy face-to-face" camp here... ownership is a commitment, and I just don't believe it's possible to get that familiar with someone in only three weeks over the phone.

Are either of you in some sort of hurry to collar/be collared? Is there something wrong with waiting, taking things slow until you're both comfortable and secure in your relationship? Are you in such a rush to be owned that you're ignoring your own common sense screaming in your ear? These are some questions that I suggest you ask yourself, because these are the questions that I'm seeing everyone here asking you.

As has been said on these boards so often - if you're unsure/uncomfortable about it, it's probably not a good idea.

Just some thoughts,
Valyraen

_____________________________

CM's Resident Fuzzy Kitteh

There is no creature more loving than a hungry cat.

Valyraen in ValyraenandAqua

(in reply to MissOchistic)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: how long should i wait to be owned - 7/1/2007 10:55:06 PM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		blacksub:

If I may...

First of all, you don't know this guy from Adam. If this were a vanilla relationship, would you marry someone without ever meeting them at the very least? It's something to think about.

Secondly, I'm in Detroit. I can tell you the job market here SUCKS in a big way. Be aware, both of what you MAY gain as well as what you will be giving up.

Thirdly, while it's in no way an indicator of anything, I've been around the bdsm community now for going on 10 years and have yet to meet anyone by the name of DarkLord anywhere at any function. Furthermore, there is an irc channel that is based out of the Detroit area that bans someone by this name (might not be the same person) because of his non-stop trolling. So, before you fall into the "yea baby, I'm real" line, you might want to be a bit cautious before you turn your life upside down to move here.

And if you decide to come to Detroit, well, look me up. And welcome. Just so you know, it's a myth that we shoot and ask questions later... sort of.

A couple of suggestions:

1. Who does he know in the bdsm community around Detroit? Get some names. There are people on this site who can verify them -

2. Get the name he uses offline (if it's something else).. Again, there are people on this site who can verify that they know him FACE TO FACE if he's out there in the bdsm community. He might not be, but you stand a better chance of knowing he's "real" this way rather than just taking him at his word.

3. Change the password on your CM account. It's just good common sense. Everyone is different, but I've been with my Master now for 4 years and he STILL doesn't have my passwords. It's not that I don't trust him. It's that he does trust me. In my world, that's a significant difference.

4. Get as hot and heavy as you'd like online and on the phone. Don't commit to anything - especially a move - until you've scoped out the job market here. There's nothing worse than moving for someone and then getting stuck there with no way home because you're unemployed.

5. Anytime someone says "if you trust me you'll..." it generally means you shouldn't trust them at all. Trustworthy people don't need to make ultimatums. They simply rely on the relationship they have with the person they're involved with to be indicative of the trust that person has for them.

"If you trust me you'll...." is the same thing as "if you do this, I'll be your best friend..." When someone says this to you, they're not your friend because friends don't have to buy friendship. It simply exists. So, when someone says "if you trust me you'll..." chances are, you shouldn't be trusting them at all (but that's just my view)

I'd write to you offline but since this person has your password, I have no idea who I'd be talking to or if you'd even get your mail.

blacksub: back when I was looking for someone and still very new, I learned the hard way that when I was looking farther than what was local to me, I'd better make darn sure that at least SOMEONE knew the person I was contemplating meeting face to face. If they didn't, then I kept moving. Someone *I* knew had to know someone who knew that person face to face and be able say good things about him. Otherwise, in my experience, it was just too dangerous. You're contemplating coming to a town where you possibly know no one and don't have a working knowledge of the area. It's up to you to keep yourself healthy. And depending on where this guy lives, there are some significantly unhealthy areas of Detroit you could find yourself in.

All those safewords everyone keeps preaching about just aren't going to do you a lick of good when the only people you might know are back in Louisiana. If you ARE going to do this, he needs to come there and spend some time with you before you even contemplate a VISIT here. If he can't afford to visit you there but feels you can/should come here, then if it were me, I'd say that's way too dangerous - but again, that's just me. To get selfish (a good thing in my opinion), if he can't shell out the bucks to visit me, then evidently I'm not worth the plane fare and I'm not giving up my job to someone who believes I'm not worth the plane fare to even meet me before discussing any sort of move anywhere.

I don't know what your family status is, but if you have UMs that you are responsible for, don't put yourself in situations where your choices may pose a danger to them.

There's so much more that could be said here, but in the end, you're going to have to make up your own mind about this. Just please be cautious and please remember, the chance to get your ass beat is no reason to place yourself in any sort of jeopardy - whether that's emotional, physical, mental or financial.

There are good people here. There are also some people who are not so good - just like anywhere else. 1300 miles away, there's just no way you can know who you have on the line. You'll be welcome if you do decide to move here (there are a few people here already from the New Orleans area so you'll have a touch of home away from home) but please please, be aware that you are new and that you need to take care that someone doesn't take advantage of that newness. ok?

Good luck. Write back privately if you'd like.


juliet

< Message edited by julietsierra -- 7/1/2007 11:35:48 PM >

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: how long should i wait to be owned - 7/2/2007 3:16:49 AM   
Areflectionofyou


Posts: 258
Joined: 4/4/2006
Status: offline 		how can you be owned if you never met him? im curious?

(in reply to blacksub40)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: how long should i wait to be owned - 7/2/2007 3:36:21 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		Why would my post be pulled?  I was joking that I sounded like my mother..."it will weather the test of time", that's all.

< Message edited by bandit25 -- 7/2/2007 3:40:36 AM >

(in reply to grlneedstolearn)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: how long should i wait to be owned - 7/2/2007 4:00:34 AM   
sleazybutterfly


Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: blacksub40

how long should a sub/slave wait before she agree to be owned by a master/dom? i am really feeling this guy that want to own me. we have never met, we talk on the phone all the time. we have been talking on the phone for about 3 weeks is that long enough. i am very new to this i dont have any exp.


I suppose I might as well throw my two cents in.  Those that have been around here awhile know that I have made some mistakes, BIG ones as I was learning.  I hope that I do seem by this point to have my head on very straight, and with that some knowledge to share.

There is no set time.  I was talking to Master for a short time, we met face to face, then I moved to be with him a month later.  There were circumstances that rushed this process, but it was one that I didn't question (like you are), or feel was wrong.  So that pretty much shoots out most timeframes.

To add to that though, when I was very new to everything I moved very quickly to someone I hadn't met.  We talked on the phone for many weeks, way more than three, and I let my heart (and him) talk me into making the move.  I got there, and within two days I was told I had to leave again, my heart ripped to shreads, along with every other part of my being.  This was due to things in his life and nothing to do with me.  I do feel that he had good intentions in me coming there, and I do feel what we had meant something at the time, but you are screwed when you don't know someone well enough to know how they react to bad things in their life.  He pretty much turned cold and heartless..and there I was left to pick up the pieces of my life on my own.

I see a lot of red flags for you.

1.  Why does he have your password to your account this quickly? 
To me, that shows he is very insecure.  He doesn't want to take the chance at you finding someone a lot better, so he makes it so you don't see any of your mail.
 
2.  Why would he put collared on there when you aren't?
Again, he is scared that you will find someone else.  So he figures to cut off options and get you passed by.

3.  He says he has a good job, how do you know?  Have you went to meet him?  Done a background check?  Maybe he has a house with a pool, or maybe he lives in his car, you have no way of knowing which.

4.  How do you know he is who he says?  It's not hard to make up things on here, and even on the phone.  Read: "Anyone you want me to be" and then revisit the thought of not going.

5.  Just the whole thing in general..wanting you to move there without meeting him, taking your passwords, taking advantage of your lack of knowledge about many things.

In the end, you are an adult so it's up to you.  We can talk till we are blue in the face, but only you can decide.  If it would help I would just tell you what to do *putting on Domina hat*  DON'T GO!!, but that probably didn't do any good.

You have been on here a short time.  Most of us get over a hundred emails the first couple of days, you have pretty much been talking to only him since you signed up.  Look at all of the options you closed yourself off from, and maybe the great dom you have let get by. 

It's easy to get wrapped up in what you want, or what your heart wants.  You need to stop, step back, and think about what you are doing, and where it will lead you.  It could lead to something great, but chances are it won't.  It will lead you to a lot of hurt, away from all friends and family, you will be alone in a new place, with nothing but him.  That is what he wants, and you are walking right into having to stay with someone that could be very abusive.

No one here is trying to be mean to you, they are trying to help you from experience they can share.  I know it feels like an attack, I have been on your end before.  It's really just others trying to stop you from being hurt emotionally, mentally, and physically before it's too late.

You have to be strong, don't be a doormat, and do what you think is right.  First thing for me would be changing my profile back, and changing the password while I was at it.  Then I would block him and move on.  Get involved with others around you, closer...in real life.  Get to know other subs/slaves that can help and guide you in your journey...most of all, listen to the voice inside you.  It's telling you this is all wrong, you just don't want to listen.

_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

(in reply to blacksub40)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: how long should i wait to be owned - 7/2/2007 4:55:27 AM   
SexyCazzy


Posts: 15
Joined: 6/16/2007
Status: offline 		From a newbie to another *laughs*

Please do listen to what the others have said in this thread. I have nothing else to add, but I do beg you to really, really listen to what the others say and ALSO to listen to yourself, to your heart, to your head and really really think carefully about your life, where you are at currently, etc.

When I first put my profile up, I said that I was looking for a D/s relationship, and that I wanted to experience it for real. I nearly rushed into a D/s relationship (online) with someone who has already demanded a few things from me but luckily, I posted a question over at another site, and I had so many responses and I listened to what they wrote and then I realised that I need to take my time, and talk with as many as Doms as I can, building up a good friendship, seeing where it might lead to. Now, I have changed my profile and funnily enough, I have so few replies to my profile but that way, I will know whether if they are serious or not!

So far, I have not found my "prefect" Dom....but then I know I won;t find that prefect Dom but I know that I will find a Dom who will respect me as a person as well as a submissive. And I am really looking forward to that big moment. It will take time but it will happen!

To blacksub40, I would advise for you to talk with this Dom everything you are worried about, and ask him questions about the bdsm community, and whether if he will respect your wishes. wants and to listen to your concerns etc. If he does not seem to listen, then I advise for you to NOT go into a D/s relationship with him or even to MOVE!

I wish you all the best, and hopes that you will listen to what the others says.

< Message edited by SexyCazzy -- 7/2/2007 4:56:37 AM >

(in reply to sleazybutterfly)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: how long should i wait to be owned - 7/2/2007 5:54:40 AM   
Aileen68


Posts: 6091
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: blacksub40

how long should a sub/slave wait before she agree to be owned by a master/dom? i am really feeling this guy that want to own me. we have never met, we talk on the phone all the time. we have been talking on the phone for about 3 weeks is that long enough. i am very new to this i dont have any exp.


If you met this guy on a vanilla dating site, would you even consider moving in with him if you had never met face to face?  This is no different.  If you're both serious about all of this then neither should have no problem meeting somewhere neutral to see if there's any real chemistry and if he is actually what he says he is.
Also I'd change my password to any account you've given him access to until you've proven that he's legitimate after a face to face meeting.  You appear to have lost the ability to use common sense in this matter.  It's a bit of sub frenzy and somewhat understandable.  Take a step back and look at the position you're in and what you're contemplating doing and be honest with yourself.  If it's meant to be and legitimate, he'll have no problem slowing things down.

< Message edited by Aileen68 -- 7/2/2007 5:55:32 AM >

(in reply to blacksub40)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: how long should i wait to be owned - 7/2/2007 6:07:03 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		um, apparently she couldn't wait, appears according to her profile she has already dove in, watch the papers---troll the whine threads-----we will see

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to Aileen68)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: how long should i wait to be owned - 7/2/2007 6:17:49 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		How long would you wait to find a wife? What that long.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to blacksub40)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: how long should i wait to be owned - 7/2/2007 6:18:38 AM   
BeingChewsie


Posts: 1633
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: blacksub40

how long should a sub/slave wait before she agree to be owned by a master/dom? i am really feeling this guy that want to own me. we have never met, we talk on the phone all the time. we have been talking on the phone for about 3 weeks is that long enough. i am very new to this i dont have any exp.



If it was a vanilla guy would you call yourself his girlfriend after a few phone chats over three over 3weeks with no in the flesh meet? The same rules apply, the exact same rules apply.

_____________________________

"In fact, it is my contention that most women are accepting of way less than optimal circumstance constantly, and are lucky to be 'snagged' by the right man, if ever. But it is more by happy accident than by their design. "
~Ron and Hup

(in reply to blacksub40)
Profile   Post #: 60
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