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RE: Next step? - 7/4/2007 4:46:25 AM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		Very well put, Focus.  The OP named this thread "Next Step?", so he's looking for someone to come up with a miracle where HE keeps everything and is happy and no one around him will have to be hurt or disappointed (and therefore, he doesn't have to feel guilty).  What a wonderful world that would be.

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Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Next step? - 7/4/2007 4:51:15 AM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline 		To both AquaticSub and Focus50.

Nope, not melting down. It might be a comforting thought as opposed to the thought that I am just keeping an objective stance and providing reasonable alternatives.

Nor do I have an issue regarding the cheating. The issue everyone assuming he is cheating based on nothing but assumption and it having absolutely nothing to do with the issue presented.

Regardless, its a worst case scenario and the only one that was really derived from the post.

Would I say its possible that he's cheating on his wife? Sure, its possible.

But it doesnt solely look and walk like duck, but also an elephant, horse, or tiger. The idea that he is cheating is simply how people are inferring it based on their own bad past experiences. There is nothing to support the life experience and street smart justice outside of a cynical interuptation of a few phrases.

If you want to read it that way and make judgements without details that dont really help, thats fine. People will do whatever they want. Just like I will provide an alternate viewpoint to try and make this thread more constructive toward the issue, rather than just screaming "Bad man! Bad man!".

But...hey...I'm one of those people that cant automatically tell the entire life story of someone based on one paragraph. However...clearly...it MUST be the absolute worst case scenario.

< Message edited by MadRabbit -- 7/4/2007 4:58:36 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Next step? - 7/4/2007 4:53:28 AM   
Areflectionofyou


Posts: 258
Joined: 4/4/2006
Status: offline 		i have no sympathy for people who cheat.

(in reply to ned5435)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Next step? - 7/4/2007 5:30:49 AM   
Slavetrainer2007


Posts: 231
Joined: 12/2/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

quote:

ORIGINAL: ned5435

I hooked up with a slave looking for 24/7 master, with understanding that I was married and temporary. Now I am hooked on her. Do not want to lose her, dont wish to lose/hurt wife. Wouldnt mind if she found master that would share and lived close. Damned if I do , damned if I dont.


Well...once again...in the close minded ignorance that can often be Collarme.com...the general public has somehow managed to conclude from these 4-5 sentences of information that...

The man is cheating on his wife.

That somwhow he is in the idiot for entering the relationship and not the slave DESPITE the fact that it says there was an understanding that he was married and temporary.

That clearly its not possible its the slave fault for entering a relationship that wasnt
ultimately what she wanted.

That once again he is an idiot for developing an emotional connection with someone...as if somehow we can control who we develop these connections with.

Perhaps maybe his wife is quite aware of the relationship, but the fear of loss/hurt is coming from realization that he fell in love with the woman?

Perhaps both the slave and the Master entered into a relationship in a mature way, even though if it didnt meet their full expectations, and things just developed differently then they wanted?

The real fools here are all the people making asasine assumptions from this limited information.

I wonder how many posters here have fallen for someone who wasnt exactly the best match for them.

To steal Stephann's Nietzsche quote, "There is madness in love, but some reason in madness."



To take this further, its typically stereotyped depending on if  its a dom or sub asking the question. if this was a  female sub asking about a male dom , the words idiot and cheating would of never entered a post or anyones mind.

What people fail to realize is being human as most of us are, we make mistakes and sometimes we expect things to go a certain way with another human and they dont because of the complexity of said humans.

He may not be cheating anyway. Its not unheard of for a nilla male  to let his sub wife go explore her sub side... why would it be any different for a nilla woman?

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Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Next step? - 7/4/2007 6:22:10 AM   
adoracat


Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

quote:

That once again he is an idiot for developing an emotional connection with someone...as if somehow we can control who we develop these connections with.


Mad, I just have to call you on the carpet on this statement. This is one of the most popular myths in modern society. It is, quite simply, completely false. Almost everyone buys into it so eagerly because it allows them to do what they know they should not do and avoid the guilt. "It was beyond my control. I couldn't help myself". Two thousand years ago, it was the gods who did it to people. It was Aphrodite's fault. Well the gods are out of favor these days, so we needed to create some unknown, unseen, "force" within us that is somehow beyond our control.

Of course we have control of who we develop emotional connections with. They are our emotions, if we don't control them, it is because we choose to believe we can't. A tremendous amount of hurt and pain would be avoided if people just woke up and accepted responsibility for their emotions. I don't expect to see it any time soon.

Namaste, Sir Dominic


i'm going to disagree gently with you, Sir Dominic.   i would offer that developing feelings about anything is beyond our control.

however, what we choose to DO about those feelings...is  not.  i can absolutely feel desire for someone who is in a committed relationship....but if i choose to act on it, it could be ugly all the way round.  i'm an adult, i should have self control, and not put myself in a situation to hurt myself or others. (well, non-consentually, anyway!)

kitten, who's been there, done that.....

(in reply to SirDominic)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Next step? - 7/4/2007 10:17:38 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		Nobody can tell a life story from a paragraph. He didn't supply information so if he wasn't cheating on his wife, then all he has to do is come back and supply the information. However, I'm am willing to bet that more men are cheating/have cheated on their wives then have had sex with other women with their wife's blessing.

It's not something I'm saying based on my own experiences. If it was, I would yell and say I hope he doesn't have kids because putting them through that hell isn't fair and remind that him that making your kids deal with you having always thought them that honest, integity and being of your word are the most important things in the world and then have you lie to them, your mother, bring someone into their lives whose spouse threatens your family... That's my story and it's probably not his. At least I hope not.

I just think he should come clean if he was cheating, and since he didn't say if he was or not odds are he was, and if he can't have both he should decide who he wants.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 7/4/2007 10:18:41 AM >

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(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Next step? - 7/4/2007 1:13:41 PM   
robertolapiedra


Posts: 520
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ned5435

"I hooked up with a slave looking for 24/7 master" Translation: I met a submissive-slave type person who was searching for a long term relationship. She wanted a long term dominant master type.

"with understanding that I was married and temporary." Translation: I told her I was married and would only be her temporary master. I knew she was looking for a more permanent type relationship and I offered a temporary relationship. We both understood this.

"Now I am hooked on her". Translation: At this moment of the relationship, I have "strong feelings" for her.

"Do not want to lose her". Translation : These "strong feelings" indicate to me, that I do not want this to be in a temporary relationship with this person as it was originally clearly understood. I want the original "understanding" changed and have this ongoing.

"dont wish to lose/hurt wife". Translation: If this continues, my wife will leave me because she is (or will be) hurt. If my original temporary arrangement becomes permanent, my wife will be hurt by this and leave me.

"Wouldnt mind if she found master that would share and lived close" Translation: I would not mind if she (24/7 type slave) found another master as long as I could have access to her because of my "strong feelings". I would want her to be close to where I live, for better frequency of  "physical" contact. I would like it if she found another master that lived close by, and he would share her with me as I have very "strong feelings" for her.

"Damned if I do" Translation: If I do keep this relationship going as it is, I will suffer negative consequences in my marriage.

"damned if I dont" Translation: If I put a stop to this situation, I will avert the risk of ending my marriage to a woman I do not want to lose and hurt, but I will have to stop having a relationship with someone I am willing to share with another as long as he lives close by.  I will lose my 24/7 type slave in a "temporary" context that I want "prolongated" even if it is not possible  living  with her 24/7 in my marriage context.

"NEXT STEP?: Translation: There must be a way to resolve this, what can I do in order to keep things as they are, without losing my marriage and my 24/7 type slave with whom I have "strong feelings"?

ANSWER: There is no way to resolve this the way "you" want it. The approval you are seeking for the "other master" sharing the "object of your strong feelings" scenario, is not realistic and highly improbable.You have to choose, that is your next step.
.

Hello everybody. Sometimes in just a little paragraph, you have a lot, if you know the difference between "possible" and "probable". Correlations cause to effect, basic behavior science (ethology, motivational psychology) and experience with "exceptional" outlooks on life.

I think dismissing common sense "presumptions" with exceptional "possibilities" is not very useful. The poster knows that people in general, generally answer with "probable" assumptions.

I can say that someone is "probably" an ass hole and "possibly" not, and this, in the same sentence. If I do it in two sentences? "Damn if I do, damn if I dont"...RL

(in reply to ned5435)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Next step? - 7/4/2007 1:26:43 PM   
mstrj69


Posts: 295
Joined: 5/27/2004
Status: offline 		  I think his initial comment "do not want to lose her, do not want to lose hurt my wife"  pretty well says the wife did not or does not know about the slave and thus yes he was cheating on the wife.  The interesting question is if asked of the slave would she say yes to continuing with this crazy relationship or is it just good until she finds someone else.  He might leave the wife and then the slave might say you cheated on your wife, how do I know you will not cheat on me ?  The slave might want out anyway.  That might be the answer right there.

(in reply to SeeksOnlyOne)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Next step? - 7/6/2007 4:11:04 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

The idea that he is cheating is simply how people are inferring it based on their own bad past experiences.

Whoa - assumption PLUS generalisation; you're pretty damned good at what you're accusing everyone else of, ay?  lol  But consider this; I'm 53 and NEVER cheated on any of my partners (I know, hard to believe but still true) so what would those "bad past experiences" be that I'm allegedly basing my "cheating" assertion on here?

quote:

There is nothing to support the life experience and street smart justice outside of a cynical interuptation of a few phrases.

Well there's instinct, gut feeling, plain ole horse sense and the fact that the vast majority on this site can combine all that with having been around the block a few more times than your 23yo self.

quote:

If you want to read it that way and make judgements without details that dont really help, thats fine. People will do whatever they want. Just like I will provide an alternate viewpoint to try and make this thread more constructive toward the issue, rather than just screaming "Bad man! Bad man!".

But...hey...I'm one of those people that cant automatically tell the entire life story of someone based on one paragraph. However...clearly...it MUST be the absolute worst case scenario.

Actually, you haven't told us anything about how *you* interpret the OP's "one paragraph"!  The sum total of your presence in this thread has been to snipe at virtually everyone else's thoughts on the OP.  So here's the OP, just for you:

quote:

ned5435:
I hooked up with a slave looking for 24/7 master, with understanding that I was married and temporary. Now I am hooked on her. Do not want to lose her, dont wish to lose/hurt wife. Wouldnt mind if she found master that would share and lived close. Damned if I do , damned if I dont.
 
I'm sure I'm not the only one breathless in anticipation of your worldly wisdom on the matter....
 
Focus.

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Next step? - 7/6/2007 4:32:36 AM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Slavetrainer2007

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

quote:

ORIGINAL: ned5435

I hooked up with a slave looking for 24/7 master, with understanding that I was married and temporary. Now I am hooked on her. Do not want to lose her, dont wish to lose/hurt wife. Wouldnt mind if she found master that would share and lived close. Damned if I do , damned if I dont.


Well...once again...in the close minded ignorance that can often be Collarme.com...the general public has somehow managed to conclude from these 4-5 sentences of information that...

The man is cheating on his wife.

That somwhow he is in the idiot for entering the relationship and not the slave DESPITE the fact that it says there was an understanding that he was married and temporary.

That clearly its not possible its the slave fault for entering a relationship that wasnt
ultimately what she wanted.

That once again he is an idiot for developing an emotional connection with someone...as if somehow we can control who we develop these connections with.

Perhaps maybe his wife is quite aware of the relationship, but the fear of loss/hurt is coming from realization that he fell in love with the woman?

Perhaps both the slave and the Master entered into a relationship in a mature way, even though if it didnt meet their full expectations, and things just developed differently then they wanted?

The real fools here are all the people making asasine assumptions from this limited information.

I wonder how many posters here have fallen for someone who wasnt exactly the best match for them.

To steal Stephann's Nietzsche quote, "There is madness in love, but some reason in madness."



To take this further, its typically stereotyped depending on if  its a dom or sub asking the question. if this was a  female sub asking about a male dom , the words idiot and cheating would of never entered a post or anyones mind.

What people fail to realize is being human as most of us are, we make mistakes and sometimes we expect things to go a certain way with another human and they dont because of the complexity of said humans.

He may not be cheating anyway. Its not unheard of for a nilla male  to let his sub wife go explore her sub side... why would it be any different for a nilla woman?



Are you new here?? Please this couldnt be further from the truth!! Im not LA and I dont even want to try and fill her shoes and frankly I dont feel like searching for the hundreds of threads that contain the very things you say here dont happen. I cant tell you about the countless threads where fem subs have come with simaler situations and where told the EXACT SAME things. People here for the most part do not take cheating lightly as consnet is HUGE here.

Im also unsure why people are haveing issues with others saying this man is cheating. Honestly he may not come out and say it but it sure is in his words. if his wife knew and was ok with this then I dont really see the need for this thread. Also he says he doesnt wish to hurt her, why would she be hurt if she knew and consented to it?? Come on MadRabbit what more evadence do you need. If he isnt cheating then he picked his wording horridly but dont crusifie the people here for seeing it the way it was presented and reading it that way. because the OP is indeed incriminateing!

Magik's slave

< Message edited by MagiksSlave -- 7/6/2007 4:34:18 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Next step? - 7/6/2007 6:13:20 AM   
HalloweenWhite


Posts: 1028
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline 		I'm suprised that you're surprised.

(in reply to ned5435)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Next step? - 7/7/2007 10:07:43 PM   
Hina00


Posts: 20
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		Let the slave go and get back to your wife. Or let your wife go? Although that would be much more difficult and painful and legal issues and gah.


Is your wife not satisfying you? You should let her know about your needs, or you are not only cheating on your wife, but your own happiness too.

If you are lucky...........Maybe your wife is kinky. And you can take them both at once.

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Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Next step? - 7/11/2007 4:02:53 AM   
Domented1


Posts: 5
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Hmmmmm an offbeat thought....

A commitment was made to the wife, as stated the understanding was temporary with the slave....

How strong are your commitments?

Corollary - if you make a rule, you must stand by it, to do less makes it a hope not a rule.

In consideration of the above the decision you need to make is whether you are strong enough in your convictions to be a Dominant, and worthy of a slave.

IMHO

(in reply to SeeksOnlyOne)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Next step? - 7/11/2007 4:46:10 AM   
MissIsis


Posts: 473
Joined: 1/1/2005
Status: offline 		I agree that you are responsible for your own actions.  One's actions should be well thought out before being put into place.  Otherwise, Dom or not, you are not in control of your own self.  Therefore, how can you really be in control of someone else.  

If someone is not happy with situations in their lives & feel they are missing out, one can find an excuse to go get what they feel they are missing out on.  This is considered in one's mind to be justification.  (I will add a definition of an excuse is: A reason stuffed with a lie.)  You are the only one that can really answer the question as to what "excuse" you used to step out & get what you wanted. 

While I don't subscribe to cheating, I do think that a significant other who is so closed minded, that they can't be approached by their SO, about needs, desires, ect., the SO may hold some blame in these situations.  In my opinion, if communication can't resolve these issues, then maybe it is the responsibility of the one cheating or considering it, to get out of the relationship & find one that can make them happy.   Walking away can be a gift to both partners.  Walking away would leave both free to find more fulfilling relationships. 

Be prepared though, in the case of commitments, like little ones & economical obligations, to be responsible enough to live up to them.  It may mean the person doing the walking might need to work a second job. Recognize that the economic standard of living may not be so high as what one might be used to. 

Again, this is just my opinion, but married Dominants who are cheating on their spouses are really switches. Because they are beholden in most things to submit to the marriage & other dynamics with their SO.  They show they do not have the ability to be honest or to really have what they say they want. 

I know I am full of opinions.  If they don't fit you, then so be it.  Take what I have to say & toss it out.  I also suspect most SO's who are being cheated on, sense it, or at least sense something isn't right. 

Recognize that no relationship is perfect.  You might decide to leave your wife, & take up with the slave, only to find out she has annoying habits that might irritate the hell out of you.   Or the reverse with the slave being annoyed at your irritating habits. 

Still, if you can't be honest with your SO, staying with them because you are being a martyr is not good for anyone involved. 

(in reply to Domented1)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Next step? - 7/11/2007 7:38:56 AM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

You were stupid.  Stop being stupid.


LMAO I love answers like this. Thanks LA i needed the chuckle this morning

This is exactly why I went againt the career councellors advice about becoming a therapist or councellor myself. I'd be way to tempted to respond in this matter about a lot of supposed problems lol

In regards to the OP. Sometimes you can't hae everything you want. It's called life, accept it and move on.

< Message edited by akisha -- 7/11/2007 7:39:22 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Next step? - 7/12/2007 1:06:44 AM   
WyckedMystress


Posts: 118
Joined: 6/24/2005
Status: offline 		so now that the OP stirred up a hornet's nest and created some interesting reading - what did he do in the end??

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Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Next step? - 7/13/2007 3:28:39 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WyckedMystress

so now that the OP stirred up a hornet's nest and created some interesting reading - what did he do in the end??

Lol, given that the opening post still remains the OP's *only* post, I would imagine he didn't like the ensuing heat and quietly left the kitchen - not an uncommon strategy for several doms on site....  *wink*
 
Focus.

(in reply to WyckedMystress)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Next step? - 7/13/2007 9:10:32 AM   
peppermint


Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		Apparently the situation was not as bad as the OP depicted.  In less than 2 weeks his slave has found a new Master and he is again seeking a "discrete' relationship with another. 

(in reply to ned5435)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Next step? - 7/13/2007 9:20:30 PM   
NefertariReborn


Posts: 381
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HypnoticDan

As I see it the options are:
- leave the wife
- leave the slave
- leave both
- get the wife's acceptance and make the slave understand that you make the rules and it's gonna stay part time.
- get the wife's permission and both of you dom the slave together (sweeeeeet.)

Odds are the reason you are so enamoured is because she's your secret side dish and nothing is so tempting as the thing you aren't supposed to have.  That's what gets a lot of fetishists off - the idea that what they're doing is somehow wrong or naughty.  Even though she's amazingly wow right now, I bet there's a dozen things she does that irritate you but you let go because you don't have to live with her.  Ask yourself if you would still be crazy about this girl if your wife was cool with it or if you were with her all day long. Every day.  From now on.

Remember that no matter how great the girl (or boy) is somebody somewhere is tired of putting up with their shit.



Ummmm Dan, if you put that last line on a shirt, I'd buy it in a heartbeat.

(in reply to HypnoticDan)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Next step? - 7/13/2007 9:42:53 PM   
NefertariReborn


Posts: 381
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint

Apparently the situation was not as bad as the OP depicted.  In less than 2 weeks his slave has found a new Master and he is again seeking a "discrete' relationship with another. 


I saw that in his profile too.  Some people never learn. 

(in reply to peppermint)
Profile   Post #: 60
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