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Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or a sl... - 7/3/2007 10:40:58 PM   
Spiderbite


Posts: 7
Joined: 7/20/2004
Status: offline 		Greetings...

Ladies, I would like to know if any of you have been "indoctrinated" into this lifestyle due to rape(s) or some other abusive situation(s) in your past.

I have seen this situation a few times, and I am concerned with rape play and other activities that might rekindle a negative situation.

Please understand that I am not fishing for details of your past, I am trying to determine if a woman with such a past, desires to be submissive by her own free will.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or ... - 7/3/2007 10:50:43 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		I have seen many people come into this lifestyle thinking that they can use it to deal with past issues. In my opinion, it is not a healthy way. BDSM is not a replacement for therapy. You have a responsibility to yourself and your potential partners to get yourself as mentally healthy and healed as you can before you venture down this path.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Spiderbite)
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RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or ... - 7/3/2007 10:53:27 PM   
Spiderbite


Posts: 7
Joined: 7/20/2004
Status: offline 		I would agree, thank you for your replies

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or ... - 7/3/2007 10:59:19 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		You are most welcome and I would just like to let you know that you are also welcome to contact me on the other side if you feel there is anything I can help you with.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Spiderbite)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or ... - 7/3/2007 10:59:41 PM   
slaverosebeauty


Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline 		Being a slave is who I am. Yes, I have survived 3 rapes by 3 different men, did they change me, hell yes they did; they turned my world upside down, the last was from my now exhusband. Rape changes how you view yuorself, others and everthing else, its what you do afterwards that makes a difference.  
 
I have always been drawn to strong men, those who are 'protective' by nature, ex/current military men, ex/current law enforcement; so in some ways, being in that 'position' made lifestyle men more appealing, yet, it wasn't what I looked for, I like a man for who he is, NOT for his lifestyle choice. MJ is exmilitary, as far as I know, He does know I have survived 3 rapes, we don't talk about them, we may in time, right now, not an issue.
 
I have gotten over most of my flashbacks, I get them on occassion, I have taught myself to handle them when they occur as best I can; I avoid certain situations, and a few of my limits are inaccordance with those things. I do take precautions before I do anything with a partner, safewords are a BIG thing I can use if I get a flashback, I have learned how to bring myself back, if I can't then I have to rely on my partner to calm me down and to remind me I am safe, then just hold me until I calm down.
 
I do NOT engage in 'rape play' ever, its a hard limit, the last thing I need is to violenty act out because of  'rape play 'as yuo call it. Their is NOTHING play about rape. Rape is a violent act, its a misnomer when people say 'play rape'  or 'rape play;' those terms make light of what rape is, its a violent act, nothing play about it.  

_____________________________

http://slaverosebeauty.livejournal.com/

"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."

(in reply to Spiderbite)
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RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or ... - 7/3/2007 11:06:10 PM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		i think its one of two things or a combonation there of...
1) people with a passive submissive nature are more likely to be taken advantage of
2) people in general in this lifestyle are more open and accepting so we don't have to hide it...there were some statistics that my city government put out recently, that 1 in 4 children in the city of San Antonio faced some kind of abuse...in 10 or 15 or 20 years is 1 out of every 4 people in the city of San Antonio going to be submissive....ummm no...
that being said, i agree that there are some people who find bdsm and go ooo look, someone to fix me/take care of me/help keep me in the victim role...heck i did it years ago...but luckily i had some honorable Dominants who went...umm get yourself better then look for a relationship...i think, that "i love you but you need more help than i am able to give" was a break up line of like half of my relationships as an adult....so...i am working on me...and not worrying about fixing myself with something outside...i've done it with relationships, food, alcohol and drugs, location changes...none of it works...no matter what i do, if i am trying to fix it with something on the outside, the inside will never get better...
my 2 cents
chelle

edited to add: ok now that i've read the whole post...whoops...
as a trauma survivor, i can only say to be open with your partner...let them know whats going on and why something is a hard limit, like rape play or for me belts...if they are worth their salt, they will say "ok, thanks for telling me, we won't go there until you're ready" or something like that...
if the abuse was recent or even old and undealt with...see a therapist, get thru the issues first then determine if being a submissive is what you want...like i said earlier.... there are some people who find bdsm and go ooo look, someone to fix me/take care of me/help keep me in the victim role...but if you are relatively mentally healthy and aren't holding on to that kind of idea and you still want to be submissive...chances are...you are...don't fight it, embrace it, and look for someone else relatively mentally healthy to have a relationship with

< Message edited by chellekitty -- 7/3/2007 11:12:49 PM >

(in reply to Spiderbite)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or ... - 7/3/2007 11:09:07 PM   
dasein42


Posts: 44
Joined: 5/30/2007
Status: offline 		An odd thing is that the dommes I'm close to, except for one exceptionally butch girl, the subs I'm close to, and the vanilla girls I was close to earlier in my life, have all survived either rape or molestation.

In my own case I was molested, the worst part for me was (at age 9), being dominate. I was a dominat child who became a dominant adult.

I wonder if simply rape and molestation are so prevalent in our society that a high percentage of subs/slaves were abused but not higher than the popul;ation in general.

Mitdasein

_____________________________

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House of Daedalus
http://dominationandmastery.blogspot.com/

(in reply to slaverosebeauty)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or ... - 7/3/2007 11:23:20 PM   
becca333


Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline 		Nope.  Just a happy untraumatised sub.

(in reply to dasein42)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or ... - 7/3/2007 11:27:30 PM   
becca333


Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty

i think its one of two things or a combonation there of...
1) people with a passive submissive nature are more likely to be taken advantage of


For some kinds of rape, that would seem to put them more at risk - eg date rape.  But risk-takers are more likely to get into a dangerous situation that could deteriorate into violence.

Statistics, inexact as they are on this subject, indicate that age, behaviour, clothing, body type, and a range of other factors, don't influence the crime.  But you're right that how people deal with it afterwards can vary greatly depending on situation and personality.

(in reply to chellekitty)
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RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or ... - 7/4/2007 6:28:19 AM   
pussinbootz


Posts: 40
Joined: 6/27/2007
Status: offline 		For me it was the opposite... I had been abusive relationships and it caused me to rail against my submissive side.  I didn't trust anyone to give a shit about me so I wouldn't give them the chance to take advantage of me.

I started out as bottom for that reason, refusing to be at the mercy of someone's whim... because for me that would just take me back to where I had been all those years.

It wasn't until I started actually meeting people from the community, and understanding the underlying dynamic of submission that I realised that I was tarring every dom with the same brush and that I would possibly meet someone who actually would treat my submission with the respect and honour that it deserved.

I can joyously say that I have found that person in MM.  I still hold back a little and there are times when I have flashbacks, like the other weekend... but MM helps me through it and I can actually start to heal the past.

So, yeah, previous abuse did affect my kink... but in the opposite way to what people expect.  I didn't look for healing in submission, but I am finding it.

Puss


_____________________________

In life I am his equal... in the bedroom, his collared sub.

(in reply to Spiderbite)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or ... - 7/4/2007 6:29:57 AM   
cinnfulhussy


Posts: 135
Joined: 1/30/2005
Status: offline 		Nope.

(in reply to Spiderbite)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or ... - 7/4/2007 6:36:32 AM   
adoracat


Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline 		i was raped.  i was abused.

but i was raised southern, and you (as a female) are taught to wait on the man, that he is head of the house, and that was that.  so all of those factors played into who i am. 

kitten, who knows there is no one-size-fits-all anything

(in reply to cinnfulhussy)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or ... - 7/4/2007 6:52:09 AM   
MistressNoName


Posts: 664
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline 		Don't people ever get just tired of questions of this sort? Honestly, call me paranoid, but I wonder sometimes if people coming on here asking these questions are just trying to get their term papers done. No one lives in a vacuum and anything that one goes through may have some influence on one's behavior.

I know of someone who was raped and is submissive and uses, along with her Dom, rape/ravishment scenes within her M/s relationship to deal with her feelings around that event...and does so quite effectively. The key to her success, if you will, is knowing herself and her limits extremely well, knowing her Dom extremely well, understanding the dynamics and limitations and risks involved with rape play and having constructed along with her Dom an effective and mutually satisfying way to explore this type of play.

Is rape play for everyone? Not by any means. Should someone who has been traumatized by rape engage in rape play? Maybe, maybe not...it would depend on the circumstance... But certainly many people enjoy this type of scene and are able to do it in a way that is relatively "safe," sometimes healing, and definitely hot.


MNN

(in reply to adoracat)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or ... - 7/4/2007 7:06:55 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressNoName

Don't people ever get just tired of questions of this sort? Honestly, call me paranoid, but I wonder sometimes if people coming on here asking these questions are just trying to get their term papers done. No one lives in a vacuum and anything that one goes through may have some influence on one's behavior.


thinking the same here. 

when i attended my senior prom (20yrs ago), i was almost sexually assualted and though i was able to stop my date, this way not the influencing factor that made me submissive.  i was already one - just took me a long time to figure that out.

< Message edited by sambamanslilgirl -- 7/4/2007 7:07:38 AM >

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(in reply to MistressNoName)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or ... - 7/4/2007 7:14:49 AM   
shyinini


Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline 		Submissive by personality.
Choice to be involved in D/s and my Sir's sexual appetite of kinks. 
 
Raped?
yes, anally
Abused?
yes, verbally, sexually,  physically, emotionally
 
BUT I will not however, permit the sins of the people in my past to be paid for by the people (or myself) in my present nor my future.
 
To answer the question of the curious, I am sure many do.
 
 
Sir's treasured cumslut

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.


(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or ... - 7/4/2007 8:18:25 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiderbite

Greetings...

Ladies, I would like to know if any of you have been "indoctrinated" into this lifestyle due to rape(s) or some other abusive situation(s) in your past.

I have seen this situation a few times, and I am concerned with rape play and other activities that might rekindle a negative situation.

Please understand that I am not fishing for details of your past, I am trying to determine if a woman with such a past, desires to be submissive by her own free will.


Oh god NO.

I have been molested once and that was long after I'd already started down the path of submission. Being a submissive does not mean I was raped or abused. If that was true, 1 out of every four women would be submissive!

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Spiderbite)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or ... - 7/4/2007 8:49:07 AM   
nearnyccouple


Posts: 70
Joined: 3/22/2007
Status: offline 		never raped or abused.  Its just how Im wired and who I am.
 
cassie

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or ... - 7/4/2007 8:51:57 AM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline 		A lot of people have triggers. By the time that sorf of intense play starts, there have been many conversations that give all parties a general idea of what's going on in the others' minds. Subs still flip. Doms still flip. If it bothers you, don't engage in that sort of play.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to AquaticSub)
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RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or ... - 7/4/2007 8:59:00 AM   
Wildfleurs


Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiderbite

Greetings...

Ladies, I would like to know if any of you have been "indoctrinated" into this lifestyle due to rape(s) or some other abusive situation(s) in your past.

I have seen this situation a few times, and I am concerned with rape play and other activities that might rekindle a negative situation.

Please understand that I am not fishing for details of your past, I am trying to determine if a woman with such a past, desires to be submissive by her own free will.


I've never been raped, abused, molested, etc.  I had a happy and healthy childhood and I am close with my family.  I don't have any mental illnesses, nor am I taking any medication for such afflictions.  I don't have a perfect relationship with my dad, but I do have a relationship with him.

C~


_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

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RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or ... - 7/4/2007 8:59:25 AM   
cuddleheart50


Posts: 9718
Joined: 2/20/2006
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		Never raped, never abused, well, maybe verbally by asshole ex.

_____________________________

Dance like no one is watching,
Sing like no one is listening.
Love like you've never been hurt
and live like it's heaven on Earth.


(in reply to slaveish)
Profile   Post #: 20
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