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Solving the "How to find..." Issue - 6/12/2004 10:03:47 PM   
anthrosub


Posts: 843
Joined: 6/2/2004
Status: offline 		Hello:
i've been searching for a Partner to serve (as part of a relationship) for over two years. i know the question of how to find the right Partner is probably the most asked question online by submissive males (submissive females don't seem to have this problem). Female Dominants have the somewhat related frustration of weeding through the enormous population of said males in Their own quest.

i keep thinking about this as there must be SOME way to come up with a solution(s) to get the two groups sorted out. i thought the first step may be to get a dialog going here and from there, maybe some ideas will surface. Here are some of the things i can think of to start off:

1. To meet the right partner, s/he must be a member of the same service. This means the better the website, the higher the population of both Dominants and subs. i think Collarme is the best site on the web at this point and so steps should be taken to improve the caliber of features to increase the "pool" through attracting more members.

2. Sorting the "genuine" from the rest of the group (no offense) is a daunting task to be sure. Perhaps some sort of verification or certification could be devised to aid in identifying the various degrees of interest/commitment. At the very least, make it an attribute visible on the profile. For example, many Dommes are Pros, some are Pro/Lifestyle, some are Lifestyle only, and so on. The same thing with subs...some are looking for Lifestyle long term, some part-time, some wish only to be dominated by a Pro, etc.

3. Add a message board category dedicated to the subject of meeting. Obviously, each meeting is unique but having a place where subs can talk about their efforts may help establish a networking source. Dominants could read through some of the threads and maybe get a lead on someone that looks promising for Themselves or someone They know. This would also be an excellent way to help reduce the wasted effort of going to places online where the odds of meeting are slim to none (such as the AOL chatrooms which are notorious for being filled with players and fantasy seekers).

These are just a few things i wish i could find in my own search. The "vanilla" sites seem to be putting a lot of effort into matching qualities and it seems the same sort of approach may help here as well. i'm 49...very frustrated and getting depressed...i'm beginning to actually believe i will never find the Partner i seek or will be an old man by the time i do. It's funny, when i first started i thought this would be no more difficult than a vanilla meeting but have gotten quite an education on what the unique circumstances surrounding this lifestyle add to the difficulty.

anthrosub
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Solving the "How to find..." Issue - 6/12/2004 11:13:25 PM   
MistressDREAD


Posts: 2943
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
OK is it Me
or is this the
second whinning
threat I have
seen from this
person?
quote:

genuine

I feel that all
on here are genuine
from the vanilla
newcommers
searching to learn
about what We
are about to the
plus 20 year Experts
that grace this forum.
We all have Our kinks
and tastes and because
My kink is not your
kink does not make My
kink any less a kink or
not genuine just
different. JMO

(in reply to anthrosub)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Solving the "How to find..." Issue - 6/12/2004 11:19:00 PM   
MistressDREAD


Posts: 2943
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		threat should of been thread
gawd but My fingers are really
fartin today! giggles

(in reply to MistressDREAD)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Solving the "How to find..." Issue - 6/12/2004 11:30:38 PM   
Estring


Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Sorry anthro, I don't see anything in your suggestions that would increase your chances of meeting the right one. There is already a section to look for people, plus a chatroom to talk with people. What more do you need? And verification? Players will be players. There is no way around it.
Maybe you should quit worrying about finding the right one and concentrate on meeting people and making friends. Good luck.

(in reply to anthrosub)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Solving the "How to find..." Issue - 6/13/2004 5:17:28 AM   
italianalala


Posts: 48
Joined: 6/10/2004
Status: offline 		I commiserate, it is a difficult to find a soul who meshes with your search. And, some of us are aware how toilsome it is to sort the genuine from the unreal -- after all, we are defining genuine. Each of us has our own chemistry to satisfy and finding your special domme is your quest.

Keep looking and you will find. Simple to say, difficult to realize.

(in reply to MistressDREAD)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Solving the "How to find..." Issue - 6/13/2004 6:10:33 AM   
Sundew02


Posts: 457
Joined: 2/6/2004
Status: offline 		anthrosub, I understand your frustration. When you have very exact needs to be met. My suggestion is to really be honest with yourself and look at your profile. Have you made it a wish list for YOU? Dominants are people also, if when they read your profile they think, work for me to do, not someone to do for me, they will move on. When I see a profile that reads, my fetishes are, or my likes are whatever, I don't read any further. I also stay fairly close to my own age group. As to this being harder than meeting someone in the vanilla world. I do disagree with you there. I think it is about the same. If you went out vanilla and had an EXACT set of perameters the field would be very limited. And I find a vast majority of the sub/slave males type the same thing, "looking for the ONE" or something very simular. Maybe you are, but will you ever find them if you don't, to use a vanilla term "date" ? Put this in prospective here, remember that you are looking for an exact match, which isn't likely to happen. And as you experience more in this lifestyle your own needs/wants will expand. Nothing in life stays static or comes with a guarantee, so don't expect it here. Looking up I see this is the longest response I have ever typed. As I dislike long posts, taking forever to finish I will end here. Again review your profile, use the comments side to "sell yourself" not list YOUR needs. Good luck. Sundew

(in reply to anthrosub)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Solving the "How to find..." Issue - 6/13/2004 9:32:40 AM   
anthrosub


Posts: 843
Joined: 6/2/2004
Status: offline 		Sorry folks...i posted this last night and returned to find i've somehow managed to strike a nerve or something. my intent was to open a dialog to discuss what is a difficult process (as several have stated here and i think i stated myself).

To MistressDREAD:

Sorry but this is not about "whining" as i was simply stating the range of people types for the sake of context.

To Estring:

Thanks for the thoughts. You are right of course about the players and what the site offers, i was really just trying to talk about the subject from a "brainstorming" approach but it looks like this went off like a lead balloon.

To Sundew02 and the rest:

Thank you for the time you put into writing a reply as you don't like writing them too long. i'm painfully aware of the toil and need to relax my "parameters" to meet someone. i have no parameters on my profile except a general height/weight ratio request. i state in stark and simple terms that i'm seeking to be owned and the particulars will be discussed with an interested party.

And so:

There's a beautiful line from someone here on the board that said she found her mate when she stopped looking and started living. i guess i'll have to figure out how to "live" this lifestyle by myself and hope someone "sees" me. i've been trying to "get out there" but there isn't any place "out there" to get to. i thought this site was where we all came together. Another thing...i've met several people over the past year (vanilla and BDSM) and they all say i need to meet people! Funny...i thought that's what i was doing.

(in reply to anthrosub)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Solving the "How to find..." Issue - 6/13/2004 1:01:07 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Anthro,

I think all of us in relationships at the moment have went through the same frustration you have went through. I also did not find my Dominant until I got frustrated and gave up. It was a little over two years for me before I gave up. I found him actually in a vanilla, california chat room. Once we started talking, we realized we had the same "goals" in life.

The problem I had with ads and such is I was with my ex Dominant for 10 years. When online and you say 10 years in the scene. You usually get much older people than you are seeking. Of course this would depend on the age of the seeker to begin with. I was 29 at the time and I did not want a Dominant between 45 and 75.
So, I think you need to keep your goals realistic as well. I know finding a good FemDom is almost impossible. I wish I had some insight there but I do not.
Why not find a good vanilla woman. Who might have a liking to a more kinky side. One that you can grow with. Rather than one who knows exactly what she wants and will not budge for you? The more limitations you put on yourself or your partner the harder it is to find the right one for you.
Estring is right there is no true way to sort out the players from the real people. If I were looking I'd be using the message board as a tool. Yep, we all can lie here. But post after post its hard to keep up a front after a while. You can have a good feeling for that person before you even approach them.
I unfortunately do not have the answers all I can do is tell you what worked for me.

I made myself a lie detector test. Each and every day ask the same questions in different ways. Did you get a different answer today?
Watch how they treat others, if they treat them like rubbish imagine what they are going to treat you like in private?
Do they bend? If they say watersports is their kink and you say it is not your kink. Do they say that is ok? Or do they say, ok for now I'll bend your limits later on?
If you don't like me for who I am today you are'nt going to like me for who I am tomorrow either. That's the bottom line.

I then made myself a want list and a need list. What are my absolute needs in a partner. What would I like to have. Line them up side by side. How well does this potential fit into your plan?

Also, get to know them inside and out. Communication cannot be stressed enough.

I learned to avoid alt.com. Found a few good people on sandm.com. Munches did'nt bring out any potentials for me unless I had pre-arranged a meeting with them at the munch. The regulars did nothing for me though. I can't honestly say if I'd be here at collarme or not if I were searching. Have'nt really tried the chat rooms. I only look at profiles when I sign on. I love the boards. Would I if I were seeking? Don't rightly know.

I guess the best place would be where people participate heavily. Where you can sit back and watch undetected until you desire to come forward.

Have I rambled enough yet? Hehe.
Hopefully I have said something worth hearing for you.

(in reply to anthrosub)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Solving the "How to find..." Issue - 6/13/2004 1:58:25 PM   
anthrosub


Posts: 843
Joined: 6/2/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you Gloria. You said a lot and there were some encouraging thoughts throughout so no, it was not a ramble. i've been thinking lately along the same lines as your suggestion of meeting someone under vanilla circumstances and feeling out the possibilities from there. As i mentioned already, my intent in starting this thread was only to get a discussion going...not whine or complain...the situation described is very real and hearing from those further down the path seemed like a good idea.

anthrosub

(in reply to sub4hire)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Solving the "How to find..." Issue - 6/13/2004 2:03:07 PM   
silkNsteel


Posts: 23
Joined: 4/24/2004
Status: offline 		Excellent explanation Gloria!

I would add that in my personal experience it also doesnt hurt to take a break when the frustration level reaches your chin. Returning a few days or weeks later with a fresh mind and refreshed stamina really helps keep me on track for what I am searching for.

Another pitfall I found when I was frustrated was that I started believing some of the junk the posers spouted. That was always a red flag signalling I needed a break to reaffirm my priorities and what I needed/wanted in a relationship.

I am on the other end of the experience stick from you Gloria, with not much personal experience. This seems to bring out all the kooks who think those of us without 10 years in the lifestyle will believe any crazy story and jump right in bed! NOT!

Hold on tight to your sense of self and what you need in a relationship anthrosub and yes most of all communicate! Here, in the forums, in messages, chat rooms, other sites, munches, groups, everywhere. This is your entire life that you are looking to change, dont rule out any way to meet others in the lifestyle or other folk intrested in any hobby you might have. As Gloria mentioned, she found her Dom in a vanilla chat.

It could be just my basic stubborness, but I feel that if you really intend to change your life you better be willing to work hard for it!

silkNsteel

all normal disclaimers apply as always

(in reply to sub4hire)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Solving the "How to find..." Issue - 6/15/2004 4:47:27 PM   
DomRaymond


Posts: 10
Joined: 6/7/2004
Status: offline 		Good post Gloria. I have been on this internet since it started. I havent found Mrs perfect but I have made a ton of great friends. You have to bend and go with what is avaliable. Take off the rose colored glasses and throw them away. We live in an imperfect world. I work in Quality Control. You learn there that you have to constantly improve on your process. A relationship is the same way. Get into a decent relationship and work on improving it.

(in reply to silkNsteel)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Solving the "How to find..." Issue - 6/27/2004 11:41:47 AM   
sonora


Posts: 3
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline 		Just a suggestion....if there is a lifestyle group in your area, go to a meeting! I have met some wonderful friends and lifestylers through the group. I have had opportunities to scene at play parties with them... If there is not a group in your area, I am sorry. I am very fortunate to live in a place with several. I have learned so much and it has expanded my horizons.

(in reply to DomRaymond)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Solving the "How to find..." Issue - 6/27/2004 12:39:06 PM   
sarbonn


Posts: 203
Joined: 3/23/2004
Status: offline 		I don't know where you are located, but I can tell you one thing that worked for me when I was actually in an area where there was a lot of activity. I'm not in one of those areas now, so I commiserate with you on having a hard time connecting. I'm not complaining because I somewhat realized I would have this difficulty upon moving here, but anyways....

One thing I did while living in San Francisco was join one of the main groups for that city. At the time, I didn't realize it, but I had joined a male top/female submissive group because someone had told me this was where he had met his partner (she was his domme, so don't even ask...). But rather than run off when I realized that this wasn't the group for me, I discovered that they were having some problems logistically with their group. Having the extra time, I volunteered to help them out, knowing I had the skills they needed.

What happened was something I never imagined. Word quickly spread through the community that I did this without asking for anything in return. There was always this expectation that in order to volunteer and do something for a community organization, you're going to want something immediately in return. I was upfront and honest with them, explaining that I was really new to the scene, but I was hoping to find friends because I didn't like having to hide this "thing" that seemed to be resonating in my life.

This branched me onto another group that one of the submissive girls in the group (who became one of my very close friends at the time) told me was more conducive to dominant women/submissive men or women. It was in that organization, where I volunteered again, based on my experience and references from before, that I started to make serious connections with people in the scene.

Here's the important part: even though I was involved in a femdom organization, I still didn't try to get anything out of my proximity to the women I really wanted to be close to. I found myself able to interact and help out, and as a result, I also found myself able to become close to a lot of these women who saw in me someone they could trust and not have to worry about the inevitable leg-humping the comes from submissive men who latch onto women in an organization. For about two years, I didn't have a partner. But I was always around dominant women; it was extremely frustrating, to say the least.

But I was hanging out at femdom households, professional houses, and all that because everyone knew me and trusted me. Women would change clothes in front of me because they didn't even care that I was there, possibly watching them undress in front of me. Half the time when they even realized I was there, they'd ask me to zip up their dress rather than think it was bad for me to be there.

Several years later, I don't even know how it happened, but I became wanted. Quite a bit. If I was a player, I could have had the time of my life. But I've never been. Instead, one of the first women to recognize me as someone worthy enough of her attention, slowly pushed herself into the position as my owner. Some of these relationships lasted months, others years. But they happened constantly to a point of where I don't believe I was a free man more than a few weeks at any time during a 15 year period.

I guess if I can sum it up with anything, the importance is the commitment and the time one is willing to put into proving that one is a sincere submissive/slave. I saw so many wannabes filter through different households and women so that I came to suspect myself a lot of times as being unworthy because I realized I was probably no different than any of these other guys. And every now and then, something would happen to reinforce that I was on the right path.

Connecting with someone is always hard. We've all been there. Well, most of us. Some people are so lucky I want to throw my stuffed penguin at them. But then I realize my stuffed penguin would only be angry, so I calm down and just try to be the best person I can be.

I don't know if this helps any. Before I even started writing this, I suspected that perhaps with my own frustration recently I might not be the one to try to explain this. But if I had been armed with this knowledge before I started, it might have made a difference because there were so many times where I was going to just give it up. I sometimes feel that way today. But it's real, and the person you hope to find is looking for you, if you are sincere about what you have to offer. I'm reminded of a poem by Anastasia Sirtis in which she states: "Why must you convince me/my lover is always 50 miles/from where I live/what if my lover lives in France/or Burma/or right over that hill/I have never climbed?" Okay, not completely appropriate, but I love her poem.

_____________________________

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day...
...teach a man to fish, he steals your fishing hole and then charges you for the fish.

(in reply to anthrosub)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Solving the "How to find..." Issue - 6/27/2004 1:04:39 PM   
anthrosub


Posts: 843
Joined: 6/2/2004
Status: offline 		sarbonn...

That was a great post and i want to thank you for taking the time to write it.

i live in the Washington, DC area which admittedly is very different from San Francisco. Even the vanilla life is weird to say the least. When i first moved here, i went downtown on a Saturday thinking the city would be alive with throngs of people but it wasn't! Except for the mall area where the museums and landmarks are located (tourists), Georgetown (mostly college age kids), Dupont Circle (sort of Bohemian/Gay), and Adams Morgan (again...college kiddies)...the city pretty much rolls up the sidewalks on weekends.

Everyone that works in DC, lives on average about 20 miles away in other, smaller towns and communities. i live in a small town just north of the city but the population is mostly hispanic and asian immigrants (not exactly prone to being in the lifestyle). Most of the people i work with directly are from India, so making a connection on the vanilla level is also strained in the workplace in terms of meeting someone who's likely to be open to this lifestyle.

There's a well known BDSM group in DC...Black Rose...which i joined a couple years ago but left after a couple months after finding the membership (at least those attending the meetings) was predominantly male Doms. There's a ClubFem chapter here as well but restricted to couples only (and by invitation only as well). Because of all the politicians and lawyers in the area, ProDommes abound everywhere but don't appear to be looking for a partner as i rarely see them on the Internet doing anything other than hanging out a shingle.

So you can see why i've been having difficulties and focusing mainly online.

anthrosub

_____________________________

"It is easier to fool people than it is to convince them they have been fooled." - Mark Twain

"I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde

(in reply to sarbonn)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Solving the "How to find..." Issue - 6/27/2004 3:43:21 PM   
iwillserveu


Posts: 1633
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Don't worry too much. Usually some inexperienced with the site person comes her looking for a personal encounter. This is not designed for that. There is a personals side for that. There is a link to that in my signature.

Don't let negative reactions get you down. It'll work eventually.

quote:

1. To meet the right partner, s/he must be a member of the same service. This means the better the website, the higher the population of both Dominants and subs. i think Collarme is the best site on the web at this point and so steps should be taken to improve the caliber of features to increase the "pool" through attracting more members.

2. Sorting the "genuine" from the rest of the group (no offense) is a daunting task to be sure. Perhaps some sort of verification or certification could be devised to aid in identifying the various degrees of interest/commitment. At the very least, make it an attribute visible on the profile. For example, many Dommes are Pros, some are Pro/Lifestyle, some are Lifestyle only, and so on. The same thing with subs...some are looking for Lifestyle long term, some part-time, some wish only to be dominated by a Pro, etc.

3. Add a message board category dedicated to the subject of meeting. Obviously, each meeting is unique but having a place where subs can talk about their efforts may help establish a networking source. Dominants could read through some of the threads and maybe get a lead on someone that looks promising for Themselves or someone They know. This would also be an excellent way to help reduce the wasted effort of going to places online where the odds of meeting are slim to none (such as the AOL chatrooms which are notorious for being filled with players and fantasy seekers).


This would be better on the suggestions board. When Mod3 or Mod4 move it they can move my reply too.

1)Yes, if the woman can actually recieve messages from me it increases my chance. Um, your point? (As for continually improving the site to enlarge the pool of prospects, they are doing that.)

2) Who does the vetting? I would object to most "real" Dominas that meet an idiot's criteria and I bet no one would like mine either. (Yes, to an idiot I'm an idiot.)

3) There is a "chat" section. This is a public forum. "Scening" here would be in bad taste. (And amusing when the peanut gallery chimes in. [ "No, that is not tight enough." "I don't think she needs to be punished, besides punishing her this way is really a reward." " They are play acting, you twit." " I am not a twit, dumb ass." "This thread has been deleted." ])

_____________________________

When the Lady smiles i can't resist her call. As a matter of fact, i don't resist at all. Well that depends if it is a smile or a grimmace.

(in reply to anthrosub)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Solving the "How to find..." Issue - 6/27/2004 4:01:26 PM   
italianalala


Posts: 48
Joined: 6/10/2004
Status: offline 		anthrosub:

Try GWLifestylers -- a yahoo group. They're thinking about a munch sometime soon.

Good luck.

Ma'am

(in reply to iwillserveu)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Solving the "How to find..." Issue - 6/27/2004 5:21:04 PM   
anthrosub


Posts: 843
Joined: 6/2/2004
Status: offline 		Italianalala...
Thank You for the group suggestion, Ma'am...if anything else, it's always uplifting to receive encouragement. i went to the group and joined but alas, out of a total of 77 members only 12 are Females and all are submissives. (sigh) But i'm not disappoint really; it's just going to take time and effort.

anthrosub

_____________________________

"It is easier to fool people than it is to convince them they have been fooled." - Mark Twain

"I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde

(in reply to italianalala)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Solving the "How to find..." Issue - 6/27/2004 5:35:53 PM   
IWYs_lilbrat


Posts: 1
Joined: 6/7/2004
Status: offline 		snipped

< Message edited by IWYs_lilbrat -- 6/29/2004 6:30:27 PM >

(in reply to anthrosub)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Solving the "How to find..." Issue - 6/27/2004 5:39:40 PM   
IWantYou


Posts: 22
Joined: 6/7/2004
From: Brampton, Ontario
Status: offline 		snipped for the moment

< Message edited by IWantYou -- 6/29/2004 6:37:35 PM >

(in reply to IWYs_lilbrat)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Solving the "How to find..." Issue - 6/27/2004 6:16:46 PM   
anthrosub


Posts: 843
Joined: 6/2/2004
Status: offline 		A couple things of note...

i just discovered that Alt doesn't have a forum (another reason i like Collarme)!

i went to Bondage.com and checked out their regional forum area...found a thread where someone in Virginia asked for everyone in the DC area to leave a post because he noticed there seemed to be very few profiles or active members in the area. Almost all of the replies are males. There was one post from a Female in San Francisco who's soon to be relocating to this area and said all her friends have told her to be ready for a culture shock.

i really appreciate the supportive posts from everyone and posted this just so You know my read on the area where i live is not my imagination. It's just a tough place to live if You're a male sub looking to meet Dommes for a relationship.

i realize Alt, Bondage, and Collarme are not the only places to look and think i'll be looking for other online groups to join. Getting involved in online conversations seems to be the best thing i can do at this point but i just want to add that Collarme is home to a lot of wonderful people.

anthrosub

< Message edited by anthrosub -- 6/27/2004 6:20:23 PM >

_____________________________

"It is easier to fool people than it is to convince them they have been fooled." - Mark Twain

"I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde

(in reply to IWantYou)
Profile   Post #: 20
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