Real or fake? Who can tell? (Full Version)

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Autophobic -> Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/7/2007 6:41:43 AM)

Hello to all :)

If it pleases you, I would like to ask for some advice about Doms, and how to filter out the ones who only want rough sex and those who are really Doms.  Perhaps it is just me, but I seem to be running across the 'players' who seem to only want to get in my pants and not have a true scene.  I understand from reading these boards, that many here are just looking to get a kink and then move along, but is there anyway for the inexperienced, such as myself, to see some pattern of behavior or something to help me tell the difference? So far I have had only bad experiences, and while i feel i am learning from them, it occures to me that many of you have had many more experiences and may have some advice.





eyesopened -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/7/2007 6:56:04 AM)

One of the easiest ways i've found to seperate the kinky sex seekers from the more serious Doms is to meet in person at a public place with the clear understanding that it will be a totally vanilla meet, no BDSM, no sex, no meeting at a motel or in His car... just coffee and conversation.  You have no idea how many just stop talking after that or never show up.  Worst case is being stood up but at least i got me out of the house and that's not such a waste of makeup and good to know early on that what their intentions are.



MadRabbit -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/7/2007 7:12:22 AM)

Giving some of the wording in that post, this might be another one of those bad learning experiences.

Personally, I hope people stop to think a moment and realize you werent malicous before they rear up their noses and fly off the handle at the 4 letter A bomb called "twue".

I cant really offer any advice though because I dont spend my time going out and meeting Masters in an intimate settings. You might get better answers in the "Ask a Submissive/Slave" section



mstrjx -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/7/2007 7:22:16 AM)

This might be a popular answer, but it's usually worked for me.

When I'm trying to get to know someone, I wouldn't for the life of me discuss sex.  For me, my sexual needs might loosely be tied to what I do as a Dom/Master, but they wouldn't be my focus.

While I might not talk about sex, I would certainly talk about the dynamic, or shared interests.  Something that would give the reader (or listener) the understanding that how I think in BDSM terms.  So many people say that 'what we do' is more rooted in the psychological than the physical.  Fine.  I'll give you something to think about in those ways.  Something that would play on your mind to find attractive about me, or to let you know that I'm serious about what I do, not what's between my legs.

If I can attract you to me knowing how 'your' life would be handled, then you are more apt to see me as unselfish.

Jeff



Autophobic -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/7/2007 7:22:22 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

Giving some of the wording in that post, this might be another one of those bad learning experiences.

Personally, I hope people stop to think a moment and realize you werent malicous before they rear up their noses and fly off the handle at the 4 letter A bomb called "twue".

I cant really offer any advice though because I dont spend my time going out and meeting Masters in an intimate settings. You might get better answers in the "Ask a Submissive/Slave" section



i appologize if my wording may have/or will offend anyone, i simply meant a scene beyond just rough sex.  There was no intended harm, and again, i am sorry.




sublizzie -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/7/2007 7:30:56 AM)

Don't worry about your wording. There are those on the site who've heard "real" and "true" so often argued over that they pounce on anyone who uses the terms in a post. Just ignore any that post and look for answers that will help you.

It can be difficult to determine if someone is really looking for D/s or if they just want kinky sex. Meeting face-to-face helps a lot. No play. No D/s. Nothing but talk about philosophies within this particular way of living. Discussion about non-sexual stuff. LOTS of discussion about "vanilla" topics. Next to no discussion about what days of the week you're free during the morning or around noon. (That's an instant tip-off he's just looking for nooners.)

There are some great Dominants on this site. You just have to dig through a lot of dirt to find the gems.



MzMia -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/7/2007 7:45:26 AM)

Everyone here has a different "style".
Are you looking for a serious relationship or someone to play with on the weekends?
There is no substitute in getting to know a person WELL, in this world.
Especially in this lifestyle.
If you can't take the time to get to know a potential Master as a person first, then you
may be looking for the rest of your life.
Those that jump into relationships with virtual strangers, are playing Russian  Roulette.

The older I get the more I see this:  Most people pretty much get out of life, what they are willing 
to put into things.
Especially if you live in America.
If you put little thought into who you select as a partner...then you get what you get.
For many of us, it is taking YEARS to find that special person. 
I can tell more about a person, AFTER I see who they select as a mate!
[:D] Peace



SimplyMichael -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/7/2007 7:46:39 AM)

I LOVE rough sex, my play at times can be quite sexual and I am being nice because MadRabbit said so...

One way to seperate the men from the boys is to decide what it is you want and look for someone who actually offers that. 

Also, if you only have "bad experiences" a big part of the problem is YOUR bad skills in picking partners, what pattterns do you have?  Figure those out and that will go a long way toward finding better partners.

Edited to add:: after reading your profile you are complaining about fake doms but you are a married bbw who is only offering part time play and yet you complain "they" aren't real enough for you.  Perhaps if you stopped cuckholding your husband and learned to be "truly" submissive to him you might discover a bit more bliss in your life.



KatyLied -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/7/2007 7:53:04 AM)

If you are doing scenes, wouldn't it make sense to check out local groups and places where scening is going on?  



MrDiscipline44 -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/7/2007 7:58:23 AM)

Personaly, I judge on how fast it takes for a person to talk about sex. Within the first two or three emails tells me they are looking more at getting laid then being of service.



sublizzie -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/7/2007 8:01:34 AM)

In my experience many men expect service to be exclusively sexual. It makes being a non-sexual service-oriented submissive difficult. But it's very rewarding when I find people who appreciate my service!



CutieMouse -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/7/2007 8:13:44 AM)

Herm... if you're looking for someone on the side (regardless of your husband's knowledge), rather than a primary relationship, I'd guess that the number of "just rough sex" responses will outnumber the "serious BDSM" responses, at least 10 to 1. It isn't anything personal...  more an issue of statistics and human nature.

Beyond the situational boundaries which influence the sorts of men one attracts,  I'm of the opinion that most of the  screening process can be accomplished with a carefully crafted profile. Those who do "slip through the cracks", can be easily spotted and dealt with - if you know your own boundaries and preferences.  I may consider X behaviour to be rather asshatish and indicative of incompatability; you might find the exact same behaviour to be the ultimate Domly Dom statement of power and fabulousness, and therefore a sign of "true" dominance.



Autophobic -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/7/2007 8:18:11 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

I LOVE rough sex, my play at times can be quite sexual and I am being nice because MadRabbit said so...

One way to seperate the men from the boys is to decide what it is you want and look for someone who actually offers that. 

Also, if you only have "bad experiences" a big part of the problem is YOUR bad skills in picking partners, what pattterns do you have?  Figure those out and that will go a long way toward finding better partners.

Edited to add:: after reading your profile you are complaining about fake doms but you are a married bbw who is only offering part time play and yet you complain "they" aren't real enough for you.  Perhaps if you stopped cuckholding your husband and learned to be "truly" submissive to him you might discover a bit more bliss in your life.



 i agree 100% that the problem at least in large part belongs to me, which is why i came to ask for advice in the first place. 
Does being married to the love of my life, a man who cannot stomach even medium spanking and has totally no interest in any thing else (such as flogging and bondage) disqualify me for being truly submissive? i submit to my husband in everyway that i can within the lines of what is acceptable to him.  But making sure he has hot dinner on the table, clean clothes, and a spotless house only carry one so far before they realize they want more. Some might say that is not even submission, just being a wife,i tend to agree yet it tides me over.  My complaint , if i have complained at all, is the doms who only want rough sex, no dom/sub  dynamic .  Just as i know that the little submission i am allowed to give is not enough for me, i also know that i am more than a casual hookup who you screw once and then move on.  i am not cuckholding my husband and i apologize for making you feel that way.  my add is worded the way it is, because i wanted to be totally upfront.  




Autophobic -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/7/2007 8:28:03 AM)

quote:


(in reply to Autophobic)
Profile Report | Post #: 4
quote:

ORIGINAL: sublizzie

In my experience many men expect service to be exclusively sexual. It makes being a non-sexual service-oriented submissive difficult. But it's very rewarding when I find people who appreciate my service!


i can see where you are comming from.  For me, sex is not a requirement tho several of the activities i enjoy tend to make me want sex. 



TigerNINTails -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/7/2007 8:36:28 AM)

I'm going to make note of something that is in your profile, which might be a clue here...

You're opening yourself up to "players" as you put it, by essentially telling Gods and everyone that you'll accept "players" in the first sentence of your profile... Get rid of the "playmate" crap, and that will go a long way.

Secondly, follow some of the better advice up above, and actually arrange a time to connect with people. Also, you might want to put something in your profile to the effect of:

"If all you are looking for is a midafternoon blow, or an easily accessible fuck to pass the time, I'm not interested. If you however, are looking for something more visceral and real, with a deeper D/s level, where "sex" is secondary, then let's arrange a time to have coffee or lunch and we'll get to know one another a bit."

You can't expect people to know what you want, unless you tell them precisely what you want. Otherwise, they substitute what they want, and that's all they see.

D/s is about communication, just as with any other relationship dynamic under the sun. Human beings aren't telepathic... Normally. So don't expect someone to know that you aren't looking for a fuckbuddy, you're looking for someone to serve, in more ways than just sexually.

Just as MzMia stated, everyone has different styles. You need to put out what is acceptable as a style to you, so you can attract the Dominant that matches you. It's really that simple.

Stop confusing people with "well, I would like this, but I'm okay with second best" sort of crap... That isn't going to cut it in getting the sort of person you're looking for.

From what I read off your profile, while it seems you don't know what you want in entirety, it's pretty obvious what you don't want. You don't want a "love relationship" as you already have that. You don't want players, or playmates, but yet you say they're acceptable. Well, that's all fine and good, but it does no good to open that door and then bitch because someone walks through it. So close that door, if that's not what you want.

You don't want a long term relationship. You don't want someone mucking up your feelings for the man you're married to, by getting too involved. Okay... So make sure that they understand, it's only for service, for sadomasochistic sceneing, for letting you be the service oriented subbie, with or without sex.

And make it clear that you don't want to engage in anything physical, until after you've gotten to know them. Make it about the mind, not the body. The concepts of service, not the act of sexual gratification. Focus on that, and then, when you do serve, you'll likely have a better experience for it. As well as perhaps, a longer lasting situation.

I also get, that your masochistic, considering you're speaking about spankings and the sensations you love from it, so honestly, you could make it straight pain play, without sex, if that's what you want to do. Or even humiliation play. Whatever... BDSM doesnt have to be sexual if you don't want it to be. There are plenty of service oriented tops and sadists I'm sure, that would take you up on that. But that would probably also go a long way to cutting down on the rampant bs'rs that you seem to be having a problem with.

Peace.



MadRabbit -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/7/2007 9:25:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Autophobic

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

Giving some of the wording in that post, this might be another one of those bad learning experiences.

Personally, I hope people stop to think a moment and realize you werent malicous before they rear up their noses and fly off the handle at the 4 letter A bomb called "twue".

I cant really offer any advice though because I dont spend my time going out and meeting Masters in an intimate settings. You might get better answers in the "Ask a Submissive/Slave" section



i appologize if my wording may have/or will offend anyone, i simply meant a scene beyond just rough sex.  There was no intended harm, and again, i am sorry.




You didnt do anything wrong.

Its just important to remember that BDSM is an umbrella term for acts of dominance, submission, bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochist.

The great nobility and honor of a Dominant and the concept of a "true scene" that certain pompous pinheads pontificate about dont fall into those lines.

You have to decide what your lifestyle and what you want and find an ideal partner.

My lifestyle is mostly about the M/S relationship and doesnt really involve play partners or scenes. And beleive me, I will be getting into my slave's pants. From a very shallow perspective, I could be very easily viewed as one of those guys who just wants some "rough sex" because my paradigm doesnt fall in the lines of theirs.

Of course, in the end, my slave's pants are only one small part of what I want all together. (I mean, come one...there just pants...)




Level -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/7/2007 9:28:37 AM)

Sorry if this answer has already been given:
 
Just because someone wants rough sex does not mean they aren't also a real dominant. Even if all they want is rough sex, they may still be real.
 
Don't be afraid to ask questions. See what the person you're talking to is interested in, and how they feel about the aspects that you're seeking. If they keep drooling into their soup bowl and rattling on about fisting, they may not be the one you seek.



MissOchistic -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/7/2007 9:58:45 AM)

Agreed with level. Just because I'm a submissive in some relationships doesn't mean I don't ever have any others, including vanilla dates and just-rough-sex dates.



Autophobic -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/7/2007 10:13:53 AM)

Thank you so much, all of you, for taking the time to respond to me. i see now that the problem is more with me than i thought it was.  i was looking for a Chevy, yet asking for a Ford, and running around in circles.  



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/7/2007 11:34:16 AM)

Well because you are married, you're not going to get the doms who seriously want a long term committed relationship- because the ones who want and can GET that, will go after the single chicks who can give THEM everything they really want.  So you're self-selecting yourself down to a very small group already.

Secondly the best way to find out is time.  People who just want the hot kink will soon move on when they realize they aren't getting it from you.  Unless you are the type who wants it so much that you can be easily fooled and they can manipulate your emotions. 




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