RE: Real or fake? Who can tell?

RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (Full Version)

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Autophobic -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/7/2007 11:40:23 AM)
i hope very much not to be that kind. In talking to the Doms who do respond to me and stick around past wanting to email a few times before I give them my number, i have found a few of them to be married themselves and not willing to admit it in their own profiles. i guess that is sort of comforting to me, that i am not on this road alone:)

LadyHugs -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/7/2007 12:04:14 PM)
Dear Autophobic, Ladies and Gentlemen; May I have you consider placing a profile in your words, to which explains of your circumstances as to give foundation as to what you seek. Some people who are married do not disclose to their married partner that they need more in their life. So, when coming into BDSM people who wish to interact do not know if your husband approves, or knows--or where he stands as far as you are concerned. It could be seen as cheating if the husband is excluded. With so much of the scene in BDSM requiring full disclosure, as there are risks involved-- it will fuel doubt if you exclude husband from your choices in BDSM. If he is a 'don't want to know' sort--at least he has an idea. Further--would you please consider talking to your husband as to see how he feels about boundaries and or restrictions; such as no-sex, things that he can express himself so you know where he stands--surprisingly, some ladies who have gone back to husbands and let them become involved in what he is comfortable for you to do outside the marriage--really can help you maintain a marriage and have a good relationship with another man, as long as that other man is working with you both, as far as boundaries and activities that involve you. In talking to married men that were raised in a strict family or very religious one; who's teachings where hitting women was taboo or brow-beaten into fear of hurting women--they have a hard time wrapping their minds around flogging, spanking beyond a love-tap. Sometimes in feeling what a flogger feels like, letting them slap it on their thighs in ever increasing speed and or intensity--he can then translate in his mind as to what you are talking about and the levels of discomfort and or pain it causes. We, in general fear what we do not understand. To be able to understand is knowledge and that gives us more power to make better decisions. When they may discover a deer suede flogger is more like a massage--they may show interest in joining your journey. In addition--please consider seeking local BDSM support and or education groups. Having people around as a support and guide, may assist you on the dual relationship area. As far as sex goes, I can only speak for my mind's eyes on things--you don't need a relationship for sex but, relationships aren't all about the sex--it is about the entire person and how they feel emotionally, mentally and physically about the other person--and really care about these feelings and behave in a way that the emotions, mentally, spiritually and physically are respected, listened to and understood. Just some thoughts. Respectfully submitted for consideration, Lady Hugs

Autophobic -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/7/2007 2:01:09 PM)
While i would not describe him as someone who was raised very religious in that manner, he gives me the impression that he feels alot like your reply suggests. i know you were not speaking just to me, but i have spoken to my husband and great lengths over several years about this. When he realized it was not some phase and it did not just go away with time, he began to seriously look inside himself, and found its just not for him. i have to respect him for that, otherwise i am trying to change him into what i want him to be or pushing him. He views me doing this as he imagines me viewing him going fishing : its great that you want to do it, but dont drag me along, does that make sense? lol.

MistressDolly -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/7/2007 2:15:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sublizzie Don't worry about your wording. There are those on the site who've heard "real" and "true" so often argued over that they pounce on anyone who uses the terms in a post. Just ignore any that post and look for answers that will help you. It can be difficult to determine if someone is really looking for D/s or if they just want kinky sex. Meeting face-to-face helps a lot. No play. No D/s. Nothing but talk about philosophies within this particular way of living. Discussion about non-sexual stuff. LOTS of discussion about "vanilla" topics. Next to no discussion about what days of the week you're free during the morning or around noon. (That's an instant tip-off he's just looking for nooners.) There are some great Dominants on this site. You just have to dig through a lot of dirt to find the gems. Exactly :)

PAcpllooking -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/7/2007 3:14:56 PM)
So this is a life of no judgements, or it should be so I will answer your question as best I can. There are many men who are married to the love of their life who have needs like you do. Most seem to like to jump on these people and tell them how wrong they are etc. Well dont listen to them, only you know your life and situation. There are no 100% set rules in indentifing if someone is or isnt just out for a quick piece of rough ass. But there are a few things tto keep in your mind when ou are talking to someone: Are they interested in you as a person? If not then you may want to walk away Do they expect to be called Sir or Master right away? If so then they just may be an onliner looking for what you arent looking for. Do they have patience? If not then why would you trust them in a private setting? Are they in a simular situation as yourself? In most cases when you are married its best that you find anoother married person in a simular situation. they will understand the issues you both will have to deal with Are they responsible? this is thenymber one thing a Dom as to be no matter what. If they are not responsible for themselves how are they going to take care of you? Sex is going to come up, this is a sexual lifestyle, but if its the only thing they talk about or ask questions about then there will probably not be much more. Do they care about your situation? If not then you will probably only have problems. Listen to your gut. In most cases if your gut says something is wrong then there is. If the person has these very detailed, very poetic, very exact, very flowery feel about them, then it may be a person who is only fantasing about the life. I know I will probably get whacked on this one but its been my experience that those who write like a romance novelist are living in fantasy land. Bottomline is that if you talk to someone who is down to earth, listens to you, wants to know more then about sex or play with you and as a life outside the computer that sounds plausible,( millionaires and heads of state dont qualify), then you might have someone that is real and will work for you. The other mainthing is that you wont know for sure until you meet them. I suggest a lunch somewhere and meet them in your own car at a restaurant. William

ECF -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/7/2007 4:35:16 PM)
quote: The older I get the more I see this: Most people pretty much get out of life, what they are willing to put into things. Especially if you live in America. If you put little thought into who you select as a partner...then you get what you get. For many of us, it is taking YEARS to find that special person. I don't think I could think of a better way to say it. I for one can have a scene without any sex involved, and both myself and the sub seem to both enjoy it, if not, then you can always talk about it, try to fix it, and if not, move on with the mutual learning experiences you take away from it. I'm not big into country music, but wasn't there some sappy Garth Brooks song a decade ago or so that said "Life is a dance we learn as we go, sometimes we lead, sometimes we follow?" Well if so, I'd say it's just that Doms have decided that we enjoy it more and want moreso to lead then those who decide they want to follow, and switches just enjoy doing both depending on the other person on their dance card. :-p

LadyHugs -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/7/2007 7:11:35 PM)
Dear Autophobic, Ladies and Gentlemen; I do understand your situation. Many people who come to the Scene late and have been in a committed and wonderful marriage wouldn't dream of leaving their husband. They seek a form of diversion which stimulates their life, their mind, their self-awareness. Just some thoughts. Respectfully submitted for consideration, Lady Hugs

adoracat -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/7/2007 8:48:48 PM)
~~fast reply~~ i am married. i adore my husband. we're poly, have been for years now. he's vanilla, i'm not. he doesnt wish to know anything more than i'm happy. and i am. its on my profile that i'm married and that he is aware of this....he's met Sir and was non-commital (which is how he is) but is glad i am happy. kitten, who knows she's blessed.

Celeste43 -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/8/2007 1:30:50 PM)
Domination is not inextricably linked to sadism. Instead of looking for a dom, look for a sadist. That way you negotiate play to fit both your needs. Don't be surprised if people answer what you ask for instead of what you really meant but didn't say. There are no mind readers out there. I like rough sex but I don't like pain play. I'm a submissive but not a masochist. Playwise I'm a bondage bottom. So I looked for a dominant nonsadist who enjoys tying women up. It's a lot easier to get what you are looking for if you write your ad correctly.

OsideGirl -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/8/2007 1:39:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mstrjx This might be a popular answer, but it's usually worked for me. When I'm trying to get to know someone, I wouldn't for the life of me discuss sex. This is what I did. I also made it clear that I would play/have sex until I was comfortable, which usually meant 5 - 10 dates. Wankers usually aren't willing to wait. As a generalization, if the first or only they they want to talk about is sex, then it's probably the only things they're interested in.

arayofsunshine55 -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/8/2007 11:26:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Autophobic quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit Giving some of the wording in that post, this might be another one of those bad learning experiences. Personally, I hope people stop to think a moment and realize you werent malicous before they rear up their noses and fly off the handle at the 4 letter A bomb called "twue". I cant really offer any advice though because I dont spend my time going out and meeting Masters in an intimate settings. You might get better answers in the "Ask a Submissive/Slave" section i appologize if my wording may have/or will offend anyone, i simply meant a scene beyond just rough sex. There was no intended harm, and again, i am sorry. You know, everyone has his/her own definitions. You use the term dom and you mean "a scene beyond just rough sex". Someone else might not call that person a dom because it was just "scene-related". Different meanings, different desires, different outcomes. Very personal. Very subjective IMO. On the other hand, your OP seems to suggest that this isn't really the crux of the matter for you. You seem to continually be running into guys who want to get it on once and then keep moving on. How do you avoid that? Getting to know them. Having conversation about life. Having lunch and seeing how interested he proves himself tobe in you, as a person. What kinds of questions does he ask? how does he relate to you? How does he show he's interested in you as a full person, which might very well include as a sexual being? I notice all of these things. I wouldn't say those who want to hit it and run are not doms, there are plenty of both genders who want something more casual and passing and that is fine for them, but they are not my cup of tea. So knowing my cup of tea I pretty ruthlessly screen for it.

Lordandmaster -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/8/2007 11:55:17 PM)
Uhh...darling, what is the difference between "only wanting rough sex" and "having a true scene"? At first I thought you were complaining that men only want sex and aren't interested in relationships (we've heard that before, after all), but "a true scene" isn't what I would have expected in that case. So you're looking for doms who like to have one kind of physical experience but not another? It's confusing. quote: ORIGINAL: Autophobic If it pleases you, I would like to ask for some advice about Doms, and how to filter out the ones who only want rough sex and those who are really Doms. Perhaps it is just me, but I seem to be running across the 'players' who seem to only want to get in my pants and not have a true scene.

AdventurousLife -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/10/2007 3:51:22 AM)
Simply don't talk about sex. Don't even talk about kiks. Course this works best if you're looking for a LTR, but if Ds is important or more important than sex, then just don't talk about anything that might be wank material--- talk about books, movies, relationships-- especially ones that failed have them tell you why-- etc. Very effective.

bandit25 -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/10/2007 4:04:52 AM)
The same way you tell about anyone. Get to know the person. Find out if you are compatible. If you just want a scene (whatever the hell that is) go to a club, watch some people, see what you like, and maybe talk to someone about finding a top. And all this real and fake stuff. Some people just want sex...sex isn't fake.

Faramir -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/10/2007 6:49:00 AM)
I can't tell anymore if I'm faking being real or really being fake.

Evlgryn -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/10/2007 6:53:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Autophobic Hello to all :) If it pleases you, I would like to ask for some advice about Doms, and how to filter out the ones who only want rough sex and those who are really Doms. Perhaps it is just me, but I seem to be running across the 'players' who seem to only want to get in my pants and not have a true scene. I understand from reading these boards, that many here are just looking to get a kink and then move along, but is there anyway for the inexperienced, such as myself, to see some pattern of behavior or something to help me tell the difference? So far I have had only bad experiences, and while i feel i am learning from them, it occures to me that many of you have had many more experiences and may have some advice. First off, most doms like rough sex. Almost all men like sex of some stripe or other, the ones not capbable of sex sometimes yearn for it. Second, they are all real...all take up space... live breathe...somewhere. Only problem is to figure out WHAT they really are. The problem facing you, and the members of you Impossible Subby Mission force is to eliminate the guys who figured out they could put on a leather vest and get free blowjobs from women they can treat like crap. Those we can feel free to call fake doms, or "blowjob doms". This is old ground, am sure Lucky Albatross can give you a dozen links. My slave always recommends the "toybag" test. If every toy in their toybag is either cheezy or brand new..<affecting Foxworthy tone> "he might be a blowjob dom." Keep your ears open, these guys create a lot of bad buzz in a short time. If nobody has ever heard of him and he claims to be in scene 20 years , also a bad sign. Once you have done that, and are left with the mother lode of capable lifestyle dominants...do you have a commodity? Is one dom the same as another interchangable, can he do the same for you as the next. ABSOLUTELY NOT. In fact some of the most abusive doms sit squarely in this group..They are good at what they do and they have done it to a lot of other women. Your job is just begun, as you have to sort through a very diverse group who bring many different talents and more than their fair share of baggage to the table, and find the one that suits you. Good luck and as always if you or any member of your impossible subby mission force is captured, the secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions.

HardnRuff -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/10/2007 10:55:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross Well because you are married, you're not going to get the doms who seriously want a long term committed relationship- because the ones who want and can GET that, will go after the single chicks who can give THEM everything they really want. So you're self-selecting yourself down to a very small group already. LA You hit the nail on the head there ..The Ones who are real would Not consider playing with her If she is married , They Know that in all reality that she cant give what We seek . They may temporarily but that is about it . .In actuality her Husband Owns her. A Dom would have temperary control of her at the very best . So the Ones who are Seeking a 24 . 7 dont want that.... Nice Post LA.

Lewcifer -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/10/2007 11:44:37 AM)
In your particular case, I suggest that you join a BDSM club or group and attend events. Get to know people face-to-face, and limit the amount of online involvement (email, IM) you have with individuals to only that which is necessary. In particular, refrain from discussing sex or BDSM likes/dislikes with individuals online (a group forum is fine, but still... be conservative and don't put too much out there else you'll atttract sharks). Read My profile, and you'll see I adopt a similar attitude (though there's only a hint of it in my profile)... the best filter of all is the process filter. Make it clear that until people take the time to get to know you (as a friend), there will be nothing else. Even then, there might be nothing beyond friendship - so if that's not enough of a reason to get to know you, then screw them. For the most part, the only ones who will stay at that point are the ones willing to go through the process. The others will take the path of least resistance and move on to find some faster/easier prey. Yes, you can discuss sex and sexual interests... once you've established that friendship.

SirButchTX -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/10/2007 11:32:33 PM)
This strikes me as somewhat funny. I have a veritable buttload of married and/or involved women asking me to play with them fairly regularly. Perhaps it's because I know and they know that I don't want anything more than to release some of my sadistic nature onto the body of a masochist who will appreciate it. I don't want sex as a thank you either..a simple kiss of the boots, or even a thank you Sir as they fetch a cup of coffee is sufficient for me. What I find funny is the amount of women on sites like this that are married/involved and their SOs are not into this lifestyle. I'm not finding fault with anyone here, I just find it amusing. SirButch.

GhitaAmati -> RE: Real or fake? Who can tell? (7/11/2007 10:25:38 AM)
Ya know...I stopped by this thread thinking it was a discussion about tits... Anyway, I think the only way to tell is to give it time. Everyones true colors come out eventually...mine are green are yellow.

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