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stella40 -> RE: cross-dressing (7/12/2007 8:19:21 PM)
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I've been keeping in touch with this thread over the past few days.. It might be worth trying here to see if I can help to explode a few myths. This is not just taken from my own experiences as a pre-op transsexual female, but also from the contact I have had helping other transgendered people - ranging from panty-wearers through sissies, CDs, TVs and other transsexuals such as myself.
I'm reading here opinions which vary, among the Dommes, and among those who, like to cross dress. All are equally valid. One thing unites us - all of us - and that is from our earliest memories we are all conditioned in what I would refer to as the 'Peter and Jane Philosophy of Gender Perception.' (based on the Ladybird books British children were taught to read in primary school in the 1960's and 1970's), or gender stereotyping. We are made aware that boys and girls are different. Boys have willies, girls don't. Girls look pretty, wear dresses, play with dolls, and help Mummy with housework. Boys wear pants, they can look smart but they don't have to, they play, they fight, they're not supposed to cry but are expected to show as much independence as possible. And so on..
Now crossing the gender barriers in any way requires a certain amount of breaking down the barriers and stereotypes imposed on us in childhood and and redefining your answers as to what is male, what is female, and what is socially acceptable behaviour for both men and women. But the thing is, you have to explore these barriers and seek acceptance for your own behaviour in a world and society which rigidly clings to these reinforced gender stereotypes and serves to protect them for... the benefit of the family and the primary biological function of humans which is to reproduce and raise children. This is only natural.
Now I will digress somewhat here and explain my own personal circumstances. Next week I turn 41 and will celebrate my birthday as a pre-operative male to female transsexual on hormone therapy prior to surgery. Despite some physical difficulties my consultant, a gender specialist at a London hospital, is happy with my progress and has reported that I am already emotionally and mentally prepared for surgery. I am at the latter stages of my transition, the physical changes.
However I am the last of the older generation of transsexuals - although at the age of 41 I am considered still young for this older generation - this is the pre-Internet generation who had to explore their gender issues without much information and - like the CDs, TVs, crossdressers and panty wearers, much of my journey towards self-awareness and knowing and accepting who I really am took place alone or only with trusted people away from the hostility of the outside world and "normal" society.
Therefore I perfectly understand the terrible isolation and loneliness that most in the transgendered community suffer, the fear of trusting people and being open with them and being able to talk openly about why they cross dress and wear female clothing, even to the point that they feel unable to talk openly with partners, loved ones, close friends or others, for fear of rejection or being misunderstood. And it is this fear which comes from knowing just how strongly reinforced gender stereotyping is in other people (after all there are no visible signs that someone else has managed to challenge these stereotypes, are there?), how hostile the outside world can be for those who like to 'dress up', and this tends to force many of the transgendered into isolation and loneliness where they keep their preferences secret. Acceptance doesn't come easy, and sometimes it can cost more than someone is prepared to pay.
But let me turn the situation around for a moment, and see how you think, and whether you have actually managed to break down gender stereotypes. Let's turn the situation right round a full 180 degrees. This thread is on the Ask A Mistress board, therefore I would assume that the majority of transgendered people here are motivated by, and seeking acceptance from a Domme or a Mistress.
Okay, so now you have a dominant female who is interested in you. Only she doesn't wear the corsets, the stockings, the leather boots, the skirts or the dresses. She doesn't even want you to call her Mistress. No, she wants you to call her Sir or Master, she wears boxer shorts, jeans, trainers or Doc Martens boots, and she wants you to treat her like a male dominant. How many of you would find this attractive? How many of you would even find this acceptable? If you find this unacceptable, then maybe, just maybe, you need to work on your freedom from gender stereotypes a bit more.
But, and I feel I do have to make this point, if you are finding it hard to find acceptance and understanding, spare a thought for the FTM or the female to male transsexual. Now I'm not just talking about women wearing jeans or even a three piece suit, but a woman who is seeking acceptance in wider society as a man. Hormones can soften and feminize masculine features, they don't eradicate the effects of testosterone, but they can help soften typically male features. And no amount of testosterone in a FTM transsexual can even hope to create masculine features from more delicate, feminine features.
The two most central and fundamental issues in this debate, in my opinion, are (1) the rigidly enforced gender stereotyping we all go through as part of our own socialization, that process which makes us all socially acceptable as either male or female and (2) learning to overcome the fears and barriers imposed by such gender stereotyping to find a greater degree of understanding and acceptance for those who identify themselves with the transgendered community.
Now what I see here is in many cases acceptance is conditional and relates directly to appearance. Lady Ellen made a very valid point some time ago in another thread on a similar topic that the level of acceptance you are likely to gain from others is dependent on how femme and passable you look when dressed as a female. She is of course right, this is of course true, and this has been echoed here by some of the postings made by some of the Dommes in that they do find a passable and femme TG (transgendered) individual more attractive as a sub (and also as a friend, etc).
And this is where the first problem or conflict occurs. Not everyone who crossdresses is indeed femme or even that passable. This is not just an issue caused by the effects of testosterone, it is also influenced by your circumstances, the type of clothing you wear, the make up and cosmetics you use, how often you crossdress, and even how you behave when you crossdress.
The problem here is that for many this 'conditional' acceptance from the non-transgendered - both male and female - is unrealistic and in some ways unreasonable. I'd like to ask the ladies here reading this thread to think back, and think about the amount of time you have spent on deciding your own image, the clothes you wear, whether you wear make up or not, how you style your hair, what jewellery you wear, and even how long it took you to decide on your image. Now consider this as well, you are a naturally born female, accepted as such, and you could freely do this over the years without any barriers, without worrying whether you will be accepted or not, and not only being able to do this, but also having the information and support of others to do it.
Now stop and put yourself in the position of the average member of the transgendered community who, unlike someone like me and other transsexuals, cannot do it openly, they cannot even talk openly to anyone, they often don't know what to wear, how to wear it, and they face all sorts of difficulties, problems, and limitations - and do you now reasonably expect them to be able to achieve the same effects as you? The ones who do, or who even come close, despite their difficulties and circumstances, deserve to have their achievements acknowledged and recognised.
And this comes to the second major problem, an objection that many Dommes have come up with and which in my opinion is also justified - the unnecessary preoccupation and attention paid to one's own appearance where the focus shifts from the actual relationship to the requirements of the TG's wardrobe, dressing, and deportment.
I understand why this happens. The TG, whether it is a CD, a TV, a sissy, or whoever feels that they have broken down a barrier, and they have found acceptance. All of a sudden there is no loneliness or isolation, there is no secrecy, but there is someone there who is open and receptive. It's just like a lonely person who has found a willing and receptive ear - they react as if they've kissed the Blarney Stone, and they go on and on and on and on. But here, stop, wait one moment.
The fact that a Domme is open to your needs to crossdress doesn't mean she's automatically signed up to be your fashion guru, wardrobe manager and style consultant. Just as it is unreasonable and unrealistic for someone to expect you to be totally passable and femme as a woman when dressed, it is also totally unreasonable and unrealistic for you to expect to be 100% totally passable and femme almost immediately. It's always much easier, as most TG's will tell you, to find a Domme prepared to accept your crossdressing than one who is prepared to feminize you.
Why is this? Well for a start being the naturally born female that she is, she is perfectly aware of how long it has taken her to develop her own image, how many makeovers, how much money is spent not just on clothes, but also shoes, accessories, handbags, jewellery, cosmetics, scents, perfumes, underwear, lingerie, and so on. Oh yes, I guess we all know the old joke about the woman with two wardrobes stuffed with clothes who tells her husband that she's got nothing to wear, but for a lot of women dressing up for a formal occasion takes a lot of effort and is hard work. I know, I do the same. (Incidentally if there's any female out there prepared to explain to me the concept of shaping eyebrows with tweezers I'd be eternally grateful - it's taken me five years and I still can't work it out and still use a disposable razor with extreme and painstaking care - please PM me on the other side). Ever wondered why so many mothers wear jeans and dress casually? Go figure.
Well there's good news and there's bad news when it comes to gaining acceptance 'en femme'. The good news is anyone can crossdress and wear women's clothing. But don't you have to be femme and passable as Lady Ellen pointed out? Yes she is right, it helps and is very important. However - as I myself have pointed out previously - much of it comes down to your own attitude and how you come across.
You see my photo here? Yes this is me, all 300lbs of me, I stand just under six foot tall - hardly the popular or media inspired stereotype of what is female. I recently came second in a Britney Spears Look-A-Like Contest, a Nigerian lady won. But jokes aside (and I have the unfair advantage of being a TS) I know how to dress, how to put on make up, and I don't have too many problems. True, some might be afraid I'll sit on them and squash them, but I gain my acceptance in the way I come across, how I project myself, I have presence, I have warmth, and being honest I don't give a sh*t - I am who I am and I am who I am openly. However I fit rather comfortably within what society accepts as The Larger Lady or She Of Ample Proportions (SOAP for short, it's personal, I can hardly claim to be a BBW can I now?)
The bad news is that you have to work out your image for yourself. Expecting a Domme to be able to do it for you is both unreasonable, unrealistic and selfish (apologies, nicotine withdrawal kicking in here). Is she going to expect you to put her shoes on her feet for her? Well, yes she is.. because she's the Domme, you're meant to be the sub. There's nothing wrong with asking for advice (as I did earlier) but you are going to have to be the one who decides what you wear, how and make sure it doesn't become a major issue in the relationship. And it shouldn't be, or should it?
If it is, then it's you who should be asking yourself 'why do I need to be forced to wear women's clothing'? Is it perhaps because you haven't managed to overcome the barriers of gender stereotypes in your own mind? Or is it an element of role play? Okay, so if it is just an element of role play, can't you then pretend that you're being made to dress up?
Or is it because you are into feminization? Okay, but does feminization really have to centre and focus on you? If the answer is yes, then you are seeking attention, and you need to stop and ask yourself why you need this attention? Why also are you calling this need for attention submission when it isn't?
Feminization needn't be all about you, and if you are with a Domme it shouldn't ever be all about you. Think of all the wonderful things you can do for a Domme for it to be feminization, for you to learn about what it really means to be feminine. Have you ever thought about simple things such as doing the ironing and laundry for your Domme? Helping her sort out her wardrobe? How about a foot massage? A manicure? A pedicure? I'm talking about the little things that many submissives tend to overlook and ignore in their quest for their own gratification, but the little things which your Domme will appreciate, enjoy and love. Washing her hair, helping her to dye her hair if she dyes her hair, mending her clothing, cleaning her shoes. How about giving her a real foot job? Here I mean washing her feet, drying them, doing a pedicure, cleaning her nails, applying varnish, not once, but twice, and finally massaging her feet. How about having your Domme - if she has long hair - just sit in a chair and relax whilst you carefully brush her hair? These are the things most Dommes crave from a submissive, and if you are prepared to devote your energies and devotion to such tasks, I'm sure you'll find a Domme who will be willing to reciprocate by giving you the acceptance and support you need as a TG.
Acceptance is a two way street, it takes time, it requires effort, and above all, it requires involvement of two people, not one, for it to take place. Think of the Dommes who have already posted, and the many who just don't quite see it, but they come back to these boards, and they read these postings, and they do so with an open mind. But they are Dommes, and they do have a perfectly valid question which they seek to be answered - "What's in it for me?"
Exactly. Acceptance comes with a price. And that price is being able to answer her question "What's in it for me?" It's just another way of asking "Where do I figure in all this?" or "What is my involvement?" It comes down to being reasonable.
Being reasonable here means being responsible. Would you dream of asking her what items of male clothing you are to wear? Of course not, then why expect her to have to decide what items of female clothing you are to wear? What is the real issue here, having her tell you what dress to wear, or having her accept your need to wear women's clothing? Why not take it out of the equation all together?
Because if you do, and you prevent it being an issue in the relationship, you will find that there are many answers to her question "What's in it for me?" and you may well indeed be able to pay the price to gain her acceptance.
And isn't this a price worth paying?
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