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Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 6:15:30 AM

KaramelGoddess

Posts: 404
Joined: 6/20/2006
Status: offline

Good Morning Ladies and Gentlemen,

I have had a very sleepless night. Yesterday evening I played with a boy and as scenes go, it was a good one. I was sadistic, I was a tormentress, I was a sensual Goddess. After we were finished and I lay panting in the bliss of a lovely orgasm, I suddenly didn't want him around Me anymore. I didn't even want to look at him. In fact, when I could breathe normally, I asked him to leave. I just wanted to be alone. Before I knew it the tears came and I was a blubbering mess.
I thought about the scene and the lead up to it and I thought about him a whole lot. I came to the conclusion that for Me...there is no spark, there is no real attraction to him. He's not a good sub nor is he a bad sub...I'm just not attracted to him...and I don't wish to waste My time nor his.
I am wondering if how I am feeling is all a part of the Drop. He is a nice man, and I really don't want to hurt his feelings. However I am thinking of dismissing him....saying it's been fun but sorry I can't see you anymore...but how the hell do I do that tactfully? I'm so very torn about this...

These questions are for My fellow Dominas: have you ever experienced anything like this, and if so what did you do about it? Also, if it comes to that, what is the polite way to dismiss a submissive you no longer wish to play with?

With Kind Regard,
~Kara

*edited because I can't spell at 10 am in the morning or so it would seem...*

< Message edited by KaramelGoddess -- 7/9/2007 6:16:27 AM >

_____________________________

"Never eat more than you can lift." ~ Miss Piggy

Post #: 1

RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 6:29:52 AM

DianeB269

Posts: 1596
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline

Just tell him you had fun and you're not looking for a relationship.

Diane

(in reply to KaramelGoddess)

Post #: 2

RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 6:53:46 AM

Ayanaev717

Posts: 72
Status: offline

Dear KaramelGoddess

I figure the best way to deal with this issue- is to be gentle, kind, considerate, and caring. I am sure it will come as a shock to your submissive yoru change of feelings. Do it quietly or if it makes you feel better go have some dinner together and tell it then. He may react in two ways: 1) that he feels the same or 2) that he is very hurt and wants nothing but to serve.

Good luck

A

< Message edited by Ayanaev717 -- 7/9/2007 6:55:02 AM >

(in reply to KaramelGoddess)

Post #: 3

RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 6:54:33 AM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

You already did dismiss him by sending him packing. My assumption is that he's going to figure out that something went wrong (and I'd bet he'll know it wasn't his performance if you were panting in orgasmic bliss moments before.) As for how to approach him? IF he speaks to you again, please be honest and tell him the truth.

I'm sorry to be judgemental, but whatever happened to not getting involved to the point of intimate sexual contact if you don't feel attracted? Surely, that's something that you figure out before your panties come off, no?

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to KaramelGoddess)

Post #: 4

RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 7:00:21 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

I have suffered from Domme drop before and its a staggering experience. So many emotions rush at you at one time that it can be very confusing. My advice is take your time, sort through your feelings and be sure that dismissing him is the best solution. Then if dismissal is the way to go, talk to him. Explain that he did nothing wrong, because as a sub that is exactly what he is going to think, but let him know that you want a submissive that you can develop a deeper, more emotional attachment to. No matter how you say it, its going to sting but try to keep his feelings in mind as you do it. I am sure that he at least holds you in a very high regard and is quite baffled as to what has happened.

Good luck,
~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to KaramelGoddess)

Post #: 5

RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 7:04:11 AM

SatanInHeels

Posts: 18
Joined: 7/8/2007
Status: offline

Deviant Goddess

I've had this time and time again and even had one that turned nasty. I used to ask myself why i felt that way too. Simple really... I'm only out to get what i want. Conventional sex is boring and does nothing. You are just simply a woman that knows what she wants. Just be honest and say you dont want a relationship and all that trying to improve him..
Just go out and get what you want girl!!!!!

(in reply to KaramelGoddess)

Post #: 6

RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 7:14:38 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

I'm sure you don't things the way I do, but before I sign a training contract with someone, we have lots of things to do. The last is a test scene that lasts between two and four hours usually depending on how things go.

The test scene is followed by a conversation the following day. I try to make it clear that either of us can say "that just didn't work for me" after that test scene. But usually we've spent so much time getting to know each other formally that things go fairly well.

Once a boy was too thrown by the feelings he felt during the test scene. It didn't hurt my feeling though when he told me that, he was a decent human being about it all, and I had no expectations.

I have told one person "we didn't click" after a test scene. That guy was shocked. He had gone from our test scene to his other play partner (who was a friend of mine and he had steered him toward me for some more formal experiences that she wasn't interested in). Any way he broke up with her because he was so certain that we had clicked so well.

Meanwhile I was evaluating the session. He had some potential, he was a nice guy, but I felt he had also faked some responses -- which pisses me off. My friend (the one above) came by because she was upset, not with me, with him and confused. She told me what happened and that turned my tentativeness to a definite "no".

So the next day when he and I talked I told him that I really didn't feel the necessary chemistry to invest time in training. He was absolutely shocked and angry.

He got over it later and while we aren't friends we can be more than civil with each other.

Well that was a story that went almost no where.....

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to KaramelGoddess)

Post #: 7

RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 7:19:29 AM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

These questions are for My fellow Dominas: have you ever experienced anything like this, and if so what did you do about it? Also, if it comes to that, what is the polite way to dismiss a submissive you no longer wish to play with?

Can't say that this has ever happened to me because I would be aware of my attraction factor prior to the session. Playing with someone & then deciding, well I'm just not that into your looks... you got yourself into it pretty deep & now you have to get yourself out.

If you are looking for a tactful & polite way... be honest, be accountable.... accept all responsibility & blame because if you send this guy away & try to spare yourself you're going to damage his confidence.

Facts are, you played with him & then something within you kicked in & you figure you just aren't that into him. I'd have to think that you already knew if you were attracted prior to a session unless the session was planned prior to you ever laying eyes on him & the first time you saw him was the day of the event. Is this the case? If so, my take would be quite different than what I am about to say.

Before you ditch him take some time & think about the big picture. Is there anything about him that causes you to find favor? Anything about him that makes him stand out over others you have interacted with? Do you have compatibility outside of "play"? If you have a list that is filled of good things then sit down & come up with what's bad. If all you can come up with is "attraction"... then you have a very shaky premise that will be used as a foundation in which to build upon.

_____________________________

MstrssPassion

(in reply to KaramelGoddess)

Post #: 8

RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 7:34:20 AM

SatanInHeels

Posts: 18
Joined: 7/8/2007
Status: offline

I kind of also agree with MstrssPassion.... There must be some of attraction in the first place for you to do what you did. Lets face it. Your not exactly going to sleep with Quasimodo now. But at the end of the day. If its just a "fuck buddy" you want then you gotta tell him. If he doesn't see that then you are right to dismiss him

(in reply to MstrssPassion)

Post #: 9

RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 8:06:21 AM

GuidingLite

Posts: 233
Joined: 12/10/2006
Status: offline

oh hell no, save the sermon for someone else, preaching panda. this is a grown ass woman who dont need no moral preaching on her sexing men. stick with her quesiton and save your preaching for someone else. careml, see me on the other side coz i got a story for you.

(in reply to MisPandora)

Post #: 10

RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 8:54:39 AM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

I don't understand the hostility

But following your logic... a grown ass woman.... should be accountable for her actions

My guess is that she allowed this scene to go down in the first place. She needs to accept some responsibility & be stand up about admitting that she lost control, allowed lust, being horny, 'whatever' take control & she lost her head about the situation... in effect, she allowed things to go to far & now she has to take blame for leading this guy on... admit to the fact that she is shallow & allowing such to rule her desires rather than follow whatever that good stuff was that got them as far as it did. Letting this guy down & doing so where she assumes the wrong doing is the only polite & tactful way to do so.

To tell this guy... look, you were good enough to "scene/fuck/play/be-orgasmic-with" but I don't find you attractive enough to do so on an ongoing basis-- so I have no further use of you, dismissed.... that's harsh, demeaning & arrogant. How many ladies have had to face men who found them good enough for a fuck but kick them out of bed afterward? Didn't feel good did it & it doesn't make it right for the gals to do it to the guys. This guy, as a sub, was following her lead & my guess is that their is really no way to handle this where he isn't going to walk away & not feel that he was lead on.

Well, here we go... yet another sub out there that will be talking about the dominant that used/abused them & took advantage of their submission.

The simple fact is that she is presenting herself as a dominant & as such there is a high level of accountability that goes hand in hand with the claim. Call it a harsh or preaching reply (wouldn't be the first time I've been tagged with that ) but that the facts... being a dominant is much more than playing one for the sake of kink or figuring out ways to absolve yourself blame when you screw up.

I admire the fact that she has opened herself up for feedback & I truly hope that she can pull off something positive with the feedback she is getting. This is a tough one & to make amends with this guy so that he is not hurt in the process will not be easy. I wish you all the luck in the world Karamel. Even with the hardships one can walk away with some positives... its up to you to identify what will be positive about this situation.

_____________________________

MstrssPassion

(in reply to GuidingLite)

Post #: 11

RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 10:11:48 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrssPassion

I admire the fact that she has opened herself up for feedback & I truly hope that she can pull off something positive with the feedback she is getting. This is a tough one & to make amends with this guy so that he is not hurt in the process will not be easy. I wish you all the luck in the world Karamel. Even with the hardships one can walk away with some positives... its up to you to identify what will be positive about this situation.

I'm not sure she should strive to make sure he isn't hurt.

Life, rejection, these involve hurt, that is the way it is.

If they agreed to one scene, then one scene they had. If they agreed to more, then she has to be honest because pretending will only hurt them both more in the end.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to MstrssPassion)

Post #: 12

RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 10:23:56 AM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

I think the fact that she states within the OP that she is looking for a tactfull way to dismiss him shows that this was not something that was planned to be one time only.

_____________________________

MstrssPassion

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 13

RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 10:24:21 AM

KaramelGoddess

Posts: 404
Joined: 6/20/2006
Status: offline

I'll respond to this post rather than take each one in turns.

Some history: This sub and I have played with each other before. This wasn't a first time thing. We've had both good scenes and ones that didn't work out so well. There *has* been attraction from both sides in the past. This is why I am wondering if My feelings were a part of the Drop.
Last night was one of the good times with positive reactions and orgasms for both.. It certainly wasn't one-sided.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrssPassion

I don't understand the hostility

But following your logic... a grown ass woman.... should be accountable for her actions.

I *am* being accountable. This is why I posted and I'm searching for advice on how to handle this.

My guess is that she allowed this scene to go down in the first place. She needs to accept some responsibility & be stand up about admitting that she lost control, allowed lust, being horny, 'whatever' take control & she lost her head about the situation...

I lost control because I enjoyed Myself up until the Drop? Come now...what is driving this thinking?

in effect, she allowed things to go to far & now she has to take blame for leading this guy on... admit to the fact that she is shallow & allowing such to rule her desires rather than follow whatever that good stuff was that got them as far as it did.

Yes I'm obviously shallow because I care enough to think about his feelings in the aftermath.

Letting this guy down & doing so where she assumes the wrong doing is the only polite & tactful way to do so.

As far as I'm concerned, feelings/emotions are never ever wrong. You can't help your feelings. Actions however are a different thing.

To tell this guy... look, you were good enough to "scene/fuck/play/be-orgasmic-with" but I don't find you attractive enough to do so on an ongoing basis-- so I have no further use of you, dismissed.... that's harsh, demeaning & arrogant.

I never, ever planned on using any of those words. I would never presume to be so cold and heartless and Passion please, please refrain from putting words into My mouth. I honestly don't understand *your* hostility.

How many ladies have had to face men who found them good enough for a fuck but kick them out of bed afterward? Didn't feel good did it & it doesn't make it right for the gals to do it to the guys. This guy, as a sub, was following her lead & my guess is that their is really no way to handle this where he isn't going to walk away & not feel that he was lead on.

I can guarantee you there will be no dismissal without us both talking about it and assessing the scene together. I plan on being open about everything I feel, and he knows he is free to be open with Me as well.

Well, here we go... yet another sub out there that will be talking about the dominant that used/abused them & took advantage of their submission.

Let's not forget he got what he wanted too and had a lovely climax via My hands... hmmm is that Me taking advantage?

The simple fact is that she is presenting herself as a dominant & as such there is a high level of accountability that goes hand in hand with the claim. Call it a harsh or preaching reply (wouldn't be the first time I've been tagged with that ) but that the facts... being a dominant is much more than playing one for the sake of kink or figuring out ways to absolve yourself blame when you screw up.

I am certainly not attempting to absolve Myself of any blame. I'm simply seeking advice from My peers.

I admire the fact that she has opened herself up for feedback & I truly hope that she can pull off something positive with the feedback she is getting. This is a tough one & to make amends with this guy so that he is not hurt in the process will not be easy. I wish you all the luck in the world Karamel. Even with the hardships one can walk away with some positives... its up to you to identify what will be positive about this situation.

Wow thanks.. kind of like a slap in the face then "oh honey but you're a good girl, good luck in whatever you decide". Blech

I disagree with a lot you had to say but thanks for taking the time to comment.
~Kara

_____________________________

"Never eat more than you can lift." ~ Miss Piggy

(in reply to MstrssPassion)

Post #: 14

RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 10:27:15 AM

littlesarbonn

Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline

This is one of the select few reasons why I'm apprehensive about ever getting involved in another relationship again. It gets harder and harder to put in one hundred percent when the expectation is that I'll be cast out just like every guy before me. Maybe it's just me (and if it is, that's my sole problem) but I keep running into this. But it's not just because of some play and then she decides it, but it's like dealing with some kind of bizarro world of needs, trying to fulfill all that you can find but it was never the right one, no matter how much communication there was.

_____________________________

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http://www.littlesarbonn.com/Stickman/Stickman.htm
The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman

(in reply to KaramelGoddess)

Post #: 15

RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 10:41:15 AM

KaramelGoddess

Posts: 404
Joined: 6/20/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn

This is one of the select few reasons why I'm apprehensive about ever getting involved in another relationship again. It gets harder and harder to put in one hundred percent when the expectation is that I'll be cast out just like every guy before me. Maybe it's just me (and if it is, that's my sole problem) but I keep running into this. But it's not just because of some play and then she decides it, but it's like dealing with some kind of bizarro world of needs, trying to fulfill all that you can find but it was never the right one, no matter how much communication there was.

I understand your apprehension sarbonn - I have been dumped because of My looks, race, because I am too Dominant or not Dominant enough (in their estimation). I know what it is to be hurt that way, which is why I need to know how to handle this properly. I don't know if these feelings will pass. It may just be a case of seeing him again and knowing in My heart and mind that it was just part of the Drop. I sincerely do NOT want to see him hurt, but I'm not going to continue playing and faking it...that isn't fair to either parties.
~Kara

_____________________________

"Never eat more than you can lift." ~ Miss Piggy

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 16

RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 11:04:48 AM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

This happened to me twice. Both times, I had done something that was against my nature and spirit because it was "expected of the domme"

There are a whole lot of possibilities in your situation. This something you just need to think through.

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to KaramelGoddess)

Post #: 17

RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 11:07:06 AM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KaramelGoddess

I understand your apprehension sarbonn - I have been dumped because of My looks, race, because I am too Dominant or not Dominant enough (in their estimation). I know what it is to be hurt that way, which is why I need to know how to handle this properly. I don't know if these feelings will pass. It may just be a case of seeing him again and knowing in My heart and mind that it was just part of the Drop. I sincerely do NOT want to see him hurt, but I'm not going to continue playing and faking it...that isn't fair to either parties.
~Kara

From your OP: I came to the conclusion that for Me...there is no spark, there is no real attraction to him.

So, which is it... some sort of "drop" or no attraction? One certainly can't be confused to be the other? Can it?

Drop to me & as I have seen it described was more along the lines of over powering emotions or the jitters after coming off that high you get when you play intensely.... never once have it ever once been associated with suddenly becoming aware that you have no attraction to someone. Most often that "waking up with an ugly lay" was brought about by sobriety in the morning.

Was this just a case where you were in Dom Frenzy (can be viewed as an intoxication) & after you satisfied your lust you sobered up & realized you used someone to satisfy you & that you wouldn't have done so with if you had been sober?

_____________________________

MstrssPassion

(in reply to KaramelGoddess)

Post #: 18

RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 11:41:03 AM

asubmissiveheart

Posts: 462
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline

Karamel, you always have the right to change your mind and not be involved in a relationship
you no longer want to be involved in.
Just give an honest explanation, and then walk away.

< Message edited by asubmissiveheart -- 7/9/2007 11:44:49 AM >

(in reply to KaramelGoddess)

Post #: 19

RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 11:41:10 AM

SatanInHeels

Posts: 18
Joined: 7/8/2007
Status: offline

KaramelGoddess

You sound more attached to this guy that your letting on. Or too kind natured to be a dom. Its all about being in charge and knowing what you want yourself... If you are not attracted to him now and you are sure of this then you got to be honest and say.

(in reply to MstrssPassion)

Post #: 20

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