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RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 11:47:09 AM   
KaramelGoddess


Posts: 404
Joined: 6/20/2006
Status: offline 		Passion,
The only thing I can say to that is... perhaps I came to the wrong conclusion.  As people are different, so are their feelings in response to certain events.  Just because it's never happened for you doesn't mean it *can't* happen.
 
Why must it be about Me using *him*?  For Me D/s is totally reciprocal and both of us were satisfied sexually by the end of the scene...not just Me.  Emotionally, it's a different story.

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RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 11:53:08 AM   
KaramelGoddess


Posts: 404
Joined: 6/20/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SatanInHeels

KaramelGoddess

You sound more attached to this guy that your letting on. Or too kind natured to be a dom. Its all about being in charge and knowing what you want yourself... If you are not attracted to him now and you are sure of this then you got to be honest and say.


I am attached to him, in that I understand My responsibilities as a Domina and the fact that we are friends.  He has chosen to submit to Me, and I consider that an honor and a gift.  Thinking of others's feelings does not negate My ability to Dominate.
~Kara

_____________________________

"Never eat more than you can lift." ~ Miss Piggy

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Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 12:25:17 PM   
MamaDomme


Posts: 283
Joined: 12/28/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: asubmissiveheart

Karamel, you always have the right to change your mind and not be involved in a relationship
you no longer want to be involved in.
Just give an honest explanation, and then walk away.


Exactly my thoughts also.

(in reply to asubmissiveheart)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 12:26:36 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrssPassion

I think the fact that she states within the OP that she is looking for a tactfull way to dismiss him shows that this was not something that was planned to be one time only.


Ah, she should then have a heart to heart talk, face to face I think, but in a neutral location.

This is why I do test scenes with no committment for anything else.

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Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

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Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 12:32:12 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn

This is one of the select few reasons why I'm apprehensive about ever getting involved in another relationship again. It gets harder and harder to put in one hundred percent when the expectation is that I'll be cast out just like every guy before me. Maybe it's just me (and if it is, that's my sole problem) but I keep running into this. But it's not just because of some play and then she decides it, but it's like dealing with some kind of bizarro world of needs, trying to fulfill all that you can find but it was never the right one, no matter how much communication there was.


I think this is way it's better to be clear about your approach. I think I'm pretty clear about mine -- these steps, no promises until a contract is signed. I respect my contracts completely.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to littlesarbonn)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 12:32:16 PM   
SatanInHeels


Posts: 18
Joined: 7/8/2007
Status: offline 		If it doesn't negate your ability and you have a good friendship. Dont you think that its better to be honest and up front with this 'friend'. It is a honour for a riend to submit themselves.I just hope you find the courage to tell this guy how you feel and that the friendship will last beyond this.

Best of luck

(in reply to KaramelGoddess)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 12:38:44 PM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KaramelGoddess

Passion,
The only thing I can say to that is... perhaps I came to the wrong conclusion.  As people are different, so are their feelings in response to certain events.  Just because it's never happened for you doesn't mean it *can't* happen.
 
Why must it be about Me using *him*?  For Me D/s is totally reciprocal and both of us were satisfied sexually by the end of the scene...not just Me.  Emotionally, it's a different story.


I don't know what to say because I don't know what it is you are talking about when you say I said it didn't happen to me therefore it can't happen to others. Of course different people respond to different things different ways & it would be pretty gosh darn stupid to suggest that because something didn't happen to me it couldn't happen to others... so I think somewhere you must have misread something I said. In fact the only thing I have said was that no, this hasn't happened because I have always determined attraction prior to intimate interaction so I have never suddenly concluded for whatever reason to not be attracted after such an encounter. The idea that this is related to dom-drop... well, I don't see this as a drop, never said it wasn't, just said that never once in all the conversations from both online or realtime have I ever heard either a dom or sub express that drop caused them to realize they didn't find someone attractive. At that point I spoke about those sober morning after moments which are rather common.

The thing I've expressed is if you have done whatever it is that you have done with him & you now come to the conclusion that you don't have a spark/attraction to him & you do not wish to do whatever it was that you did with him again... then you should tell him that you aren't interested in repeating the activities of the previous evening but do so in a way so that you shoulder the brunt of it all. No sense in dumping the guy & making him feel unattractive to boot. This could crush him in ways he wouldn't soon recover from. Better to be the heavy in this break up/dismissal/ rejection because you should be able to recover fairly quickly & you can let the guy off without being hurt.

Often I will find ways to tell a person all the reasons why I would not be a suitable match for them. This method seems to work. How can someone feel bad about themselves when you say, listen , it is isn't you that hasn't measured up... I feel that I am not suitable for you because A, B & C.


< Message edited by MstrssPassion -- 7/9/2007 12:44:39 PM >

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RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 12:43:29 PM   
CrimsonMoan


Posts: 2652
Joined: 10/31/2006
From: Portland, Me via Las Vegas Nv
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SatanInHeels

KaramelGoddess

You sound more attached to this guy that your letting on. Or too kind natured to be a dom. Its all about being in charge and knowing what you want yourself... If you are not attracted to him now and you are sure of this then you got to be honest and say.


excuse me but wher ein the DOMME BITCH GODDESS rulle book does it say how kind you can be before its un domme like. You wanna be super queen bitch all the time to your subs fine for you. i am sick and tired of hearing you are too nice to be a domme. it snot about too nice or too mean. its about being in control And obviously she cares other wise she would have been get out and don't return.


_____________________________

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"Its not the size of your fwoosh, Its how you use it", Richard

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(in reply to SatanInHeels)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 1:14:09 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Sounds like a very tough spot to be in, Kara.  While I personally haven't had the situation Myself, I can certainly empathize with you.  Nobody enjoys the 'you're not right for Me' feeling, and I'm sure that it's even less so since it sounds like this was a positive scene experience, as well as this person being a friend.
 
Having not had the experience Myself makes Me hesitant to advise.  However, I am curious about one thing.  You mentioned that you felt this way immediately after the scene ended, with mutually beneficial results.  My question is, has this feeling stayed with you, or has it passed as with other intense emotions/thoughts that are common to a drop?  If the other effects have passed, but this has stayed with you, I think you may have an uncomfortable, but necessary task in front to you.
 
I wouldn't suggest to you that you try to salvage something that doesn't seem to be there, from your description.  What can be maintained, hopefully, is the friendship that was there to begin with.  It is more fair to give him the respect of being honest about the situation, balanced with the grace and tact that I'm sure you possess.  It might sting at the initial blow, but that seems better than the alternative, which would be to try to build something, even though you don't feel the chemistry is right between you.
 
That probably wasn't much help, but I would like to wish you the best of luck for your situation.  My thoughts are with you.

(in reply to SatanInHeels)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 1:25:29 PM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		If this wasn't a committed relationship then you are not breaking up you are just saying that you don't wish to 'play' with him anymore.
He might be feeling the same and not know how to tell you.
Your predicament highlights the problem with 'playing'.
Being intimate without deep emotional attatchement causes these problems.
Yes we are all human and yes we enjoy our kink and yes we want to do it BUT 'playing' leaves one open to emotional pain or what you are probably feeling which is guilt.
It's not a nice feeling.
And where does it say in the rule book that we have to be hard bitch to be a Domme.
I may never enjoy my kink again because I'm finding it very difficult to find someone compatable to be in a relationship with. I have been tempted to resort to 'playing' but at the end of the day I know I would feel like you do.
So I don't do it. I keep looking for the right sub to be in a lasting committed relationship with. I tell you what though it's the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life.
All you can do is to tell him and then forgive yourself.
I bet there isn't a Domme or a sub who hasn't been there and done that.
I just hope that he isn't reading this and gloating. Thinking I got one over on the Domme didn't I. Now wouldn't that just help turn you onto a hard bitch?

(in reply to CrimsonMoan)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 1:39:31 PM   
SatanInHeels


Posts: 18
Joined: 7/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CrimsonMoan

quote:

ORIGINAL: SatanInHeels

KaramelGoddess

You sound more attached to this guy that your letting on. Or too kind natured to be a dom. Its all about being in charge and knowing what you want yourself... If you are not attracted to him now and you are sure of this then you got to be honest and say.


excuse me but wher ein the DOMME BITCH GODDESS rulle book does it say how kind you can be before its un domme like. You wanna be super queen bitch all the time to your subs fine for you. i am sick and tired of hearing you are too nice to be a domme. it snot about too nice or too mean. its about being in control And obviously she cares other wise she would have been get out and don't return.



It was a suggestion as that is how it came across. If you bother to read my other posts I simply advised that she should be honest and say how she feels. And I dont try to be "queen super bitch",although that is a compliment!, I belive honesty is the best policy and if you wanna pussy foot  around then fine..... I just prefer to be straight up. Is there anything wrong wit that???

(in reply to CrimsonMoan)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 1:57:34 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		Howdy! Just passing through these parts and thought I might chime in.  I dislike much of the terminology that we use....But that being said, I read your profile...You seem to be an intelligent and caring woman.

Here is my take probably 100% wrong....It has nothing to do with drop or being a Dom....Maybe it has much more to do with getting older and wiser and expecting more than just play.  Play is fleeting...It's all about the moment and nothing more....Some people are fine with it..There are times when play hits the right spot (no pun intended).Then there are moments who you might consider that you want and deserve more....It can leave one with an empty hollow feeling....(Of course being a manly, manly man...I am only relaying what others have told me....lol )...That you are entitled to better. At times such feelings can be rather overwhelming, sometimes it is just a matter of trying to define yourself....Is this me? Does it still fit?...What would work best for me?....Anywhooo ...Probably all wrong...Move along...Nothing to see here.

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 4:12:33 PM   
KaramelGoddess


Posts: 404
Joined: 6/20/2006
Status: offline 		Passion,
 
You still haven't answered My question re: using him vs. the two of us using each other for mutual benefit.
It just seems like you are trying to prove a point now to make Me look like some big bad ole Domina who uses men then tosses them out with the trash.
 
When I mentioned about differing reactions I was referring to the Drop. Just because you or others Drop differently doesn't mean what I was suffering from wasn't part of a Drop. 
 
This man is a beautiful man, inside and out.  He has skin and features to die for, he is obedient and respectful.  My not being attracted to him anymore has absolutely nothing at all to do with how he looks!  Perhaps I didn't explain Myself clearly enough in the OP...but at no point am I planning to place blame upon him and fracture his sensitive male ego and crush him beyond repair...mmmmmk?  I think I made that pretty clear in a previous post and I'm not going to repeat that again for argument's sake anywhere else in this thread.

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"Never eat more than you can lift." ~ Miss Piggy

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 4:13:47 PM   
KaramelGoddess


Posts: 404
Joined: 6/20/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

Howdy! Just passing through these parts and thought I might chime in.  I dislike much of the terminology that we use....But that being said, I read your profile...You seem to be an intelligent and caring woman.

Here is my take probably 100% wrong....It has nothing to do with drop or being a Dom....Maybe it has much more to do with getting older and wiser and expecting more than just play.  Play is fleeting...It's all about the moment and nothing more....Some people are fine with it..There are times when play hits the right spot (no pun intended).Then there are moments who you might consider that you want and deserve more....It can leave one with an empty hollow feeling....(Of course being a manly, manly man...I am only relaying what others have told me....lol )...That you are entitled to better. At times such feelings can be rather overwhelming, sometimes it is just a matter of trying to define yourself....Is this me? Does it still fit?...What would work best for me?....Anywhooo ...Probably all wrong...Move along...Nothing to see here.


Domiguy, upon reading your post I think you are 100% right...thank you.
~Kara

_____________________________

"Never eat more than you can lift." ~ Miss Piggy

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RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 4:13:57 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		Just say: "It's been fun but sorry I can't see you anymore."

quote:

ORIGINAL: KaramelGoddess

He is a nice man, and I really don't want to hurt his feelings.  However I am thinking of  dismissing him....saying it's been fun but sorry I can't see you anymore...but how the hell do I do that tactfully?  I'm so very torn about this...

(in reply to KaramelGoddess)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 4:16:32 PM   
KaramelGoddess


Posts: 404
Joined: 6/20/2006
Status: offline 		LadyPact,
Thank you, I have come to expect wisdom and tact from you always.  I appreciate your comments and yes, it's time for Me to think about how I'm going to end the D/s relationship.
With kind regard,
~Kara

_____________________________

"Never eat more than you can lift." ~ Miss Piggy

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 4:50:09 PM   
LadyHeart


Posts: 561
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		In any emotionally charged situation, it's always wise to wait till you've reached a calmer place before dealing with it. Your "gut" seems to be telling you to pull out, but you will almost certainly deal with it more gracefully in a few days' time when you've thought it through and processed some more. Dealing with it badly will only make you feel worse so take a deep breath and think your strategy through. It won't come as a complete shock to him by the sound of it.

Hugs,

:))
LH

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"BDSM is not an excuse for bad manners."

(in reply to KaramelGoddess)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 4:51:28 PM   
Politesub53


Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Has no one evr had a relationship where the physical side has been good, but sooner or later you realise the chemistry is not there ?  This doesnt mean a one night stand either, the chemistry may seem to be inplace and you get all the right feelings. But when push comes to shove then the spark just wont ignite.
As for letting someone down gently, well i guess most of us try that, when i am told " looks its not about you " i think ugh She is just being nice. So trying to make the other person feel good doesnt always work either.

(in reply to KaramelGoddess)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 5:00:26 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Hugs Kara... It sounds like you have some soul searching to do and I wish you well in it all.  I would like to encourage you to call this man and tell him simply that you are dealing with some personal matters... that he wasn't at fault for anything and that you are just not ready to discuss it at this moment.  Give him a moment or two to give a response so you have an idea where he is at in this and can maybe relieve some fears or insecurities he might have from the situation.  That way you have addressed the issue and can stop any further harm that might have taken place.  It may not resolve the issue, but it will give both of you time and a break point. 

Everyone grows and has short comings and to expect to be perfect is unrealistic.  We change... we handle things well... we don't handle things well... it is all part of life.  Give him something to base something on even if he doesn't know the complete story and that will help you so that you don't think on this constantly and get no where because you dread talking to him.  It is much easier to do it now than to wait until later.

If you have contacted him... forgive my late input.

I think this just might be a turning point in your life and I agree with many who have posted.  Domiguy has a very interesting point here and I would explore that if I were you.  I can't remember who said it... but I think someone said something about doing things they wouldn't normally or what might be expected of a Domme.  That too can play into things... but not always in a physical... it could be emotional.  What I mean is that maybe you didn't do something of a physical nature in this play... but something emotional is going on within you that might have been exposed more with the play.  Am I making any sense at all? lol

My thoughts are with both of you and I wish you well!  You know where I am if you ever want a lil chat or to step away for a laugh or two... {smile} Hang in there!  Lockit

(in reply to KaramelGoddess)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Domme drop/Dismissal - 7/9/2007 5:42:12 PM   
MistressSassy66


Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SatanInHeels

KaramelGoddess
Or too kind natured to be a dom. Its all about being in charge and knowing what you want yourself...



I have a huge problem with the statement above.

I am a very kind,soft natured person,but I am totally competant to be a Domme.
Why does a Domme have to be cruel all the time?
I can be nice and still be in charge and know what I want.


To the OP... I have on occasion after Orgasm not wanted anyone touching Me that includes Punk whom I love very much.
For Me I just need some breathing space.
Perhaps the orgasm confused you...before dismissing him take some time to think clearly,not in the heat of the moment.

_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to SatanInHeels)
Profile   Post #: 40
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