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PairOfDimes -> RE: The stupid questions? or is it something else? (7/12/2007 6:42:23 PM)
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I don't know, Knight. My path to BDSM was somewhat anarchic and empirical, somewhat like yours it seems. While my way wasn't based in a mature, cooperative intimate relationship--that came chronologically after "discovering" kink--"finding" BDSM was, for me, a process of realizing that there were words (well, letters) for what I had been doing privately for some time.
I tend to think that there are not stupid questions, but there are foolish ways of posing answering questions--in other words, it's easy to succumb to inefficiency in inquiry or intellectual laziness. When I see questions like, "I've realized I'm into BDSM, how do I find out what I like?" I think the questions are perhaps poorly posed, and a touch more thought would reveal that the authors do have some ideas about what they like--otherwise, how would they know that they might be attracted to BDSM?
It's true that many people new to BDSM could stand to be told that they get to have the kinds of BDSM relationships they want, and that while it's useful to figure out what other kinky people call the activities and relational styles they like, they don't have to imitate their fellows. Heck, shortly after I learned that there were letters for those weird sex acts I had been doing, I worried that there was a proper way and that I needed to learn the proper way to do things. Now, to an extent, this was true--there were more effective and safer ways to do what I wanted to do, and learning those helped--but some of the habits I regarded as "correct kink" didn't make my BDSM more rewarding, and I think I and my partners would have been better served if I had been a touch choosier about habits to imitate and less interested in creating false legitimacy for some delightfully illegitimate activities.
So, newbies: you get to do BDSM how you want--and, for that matter, you get to do sex, hobbies, and relationships how you want. Some of you could stand to think a little more about how and to whom you should pose questions, but by all means, ask questions, and remember to consider the answers critically. Learning about BDSM before you do it, you'll most likely go through less Neosporin and perhaps less emotional confusion than I did, and I wish you as much giggling and falling over one another experimentation as I enjoyed (and enjoy!)
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