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RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/14/2007 12:40:16 PM

robertolapiedra

Posts: 520
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL:

quote:

After 24 years in the Military, youd hope he'd know how to take control of a situation by now! lol!

Archer, I saw you were looking at this thread, and I was hoping to get your input on the matter..thank you.

I guess what I was hoping to hear...is that if I continue to "lead" from the bottom, teaching him and letting other Doms that I trust teach him...will it at some point get better?

Hello GhitaAmati. If you want him to "take control", you should stop "leading" from the bottom and "give up control" . It is like wanting the "passenger" take control of the car while you are driving. Stop the car, sit in "your" place. I expect nature to take over. Your husband knows what you want. It is up to him.

In other words, stop topping him. Submit. Act like and "be" a full time submissive. This will give him a chance to take leadership. But, he will do this on "his" terms. You may like the terms or not. You cannot get the satisfaction of submitting when you are the "leader". He will never get the "satisfaction" of a dominant if he is being led.

In the Military, you "mostly" learn to obey orders, not to lead. He wants to please you, by "following" your lead. This has to change into wanting to please you, by "leading" you. It would be easier for him if you gave up control and took the risk of a different outcome (that you would not be in control of).

You want your husband to be your dominant? Be submissive and dont do "his job" for him. The most important thing you learn in the Military is "team" work. Just do "your job" and wait for him to "complete" the team. Hope this helped. RL.

Edit: Bad grammar.

< Message edited by robertolapiedra -- 7/14/2007 12:41:30 PM >

(in reply to GhitaAmati)

Post #: 21

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/14/2007 12:44:10 PM

GhitaAmati

Posts: 3263
Joined: 5/30/2007
Status: offline

quote:

What style gets his engine heating? It may not rev the same way your engine does. But, if he is going to be a Dom you're going to have to be a sub, his in particular, not just a sub in general.

Thank you for this comment Laura, its something we have been discussing lately. There are times he'd rather do something else Dom like than cause pain...

There is another D/s couple in our local area, the sub is a massage therapist who isnt really into pain, even though her Dom is a sadist. My hubby has some major muscle problems due to being dropped out of a helicopter..Every so often we go over there or they come over here and she gives my hubby massages while her Dom beats me. Works out well for everyone....

_____________________________

I said I was a submissive, I never said I was a GOOD submissive.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
~Woody Allen

(in reply to Laura)

Post #: 22

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/14/2007 12:45:51 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

IMO orientation is innate

Expression of orientation is learned

Well said.

You can naturally have a dominant personality. But, you have to learn to become A Dom. Same with submissives.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 23

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/14/2007 12:49:16 PM

GhitaAmati

Posts: 3263
Joined: 5/30/2007
Status: offline

quote:

Hello GhitaAmati. If you want him to "take control", you should stop "leading" from the bottom and "give up control" . It is like wanting the "passenger" take control of the car while you are driving. Stop the car, sit in "your" place. I expect nature to take over. Your husband knows what you want. It is up to him.

Im replying to your whole post, just edited for brevity....

You made some really interesting points, something that actually made me stop and really think....but what do I do when he asks if he is doing something right? Because that is where he is at in this right now. I try to have him play at other parties so the person he is asking is another Dom, but there are times he does it at home...how do I respond to that and stay in the submissive role?

_____________________________

I said I was a submissive, I never said I was a GOOD submissive.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
~Woody Allen

(in reply to robertolapiedra)

Post #: 24

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/14/2007 1:02:56 PM

robertolapiedra

Posts: 520
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline

quote:

....but what do I do when he asks if he is doing something right?

Hello again. "....but what do I do when he asks if he is doing something right?"

First, you thank the gods that you are lucky enough to have a dominant that has consideration for your opinion, guidance and counsel.

Second, you "obey" his request and answer him to the best of your ability without manipulating him (very tempting!). Do not give only the information that "you" like. Give "all" the information (you know what I am talking about, yes?).

Third, you thank him for his consideration, as you know that this is a "privilege" your dom as "given" you. "Thank you sir, for the privilege" (gift). Some doms like to have a submissive as "counsel", just as much as another dominant. Do not abuse this. RL.

(in reply to GhitaAmati)

Post #: 25

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/14/2007 1:05:40 PM

GhitaAmati

Posts: 3263
Joined: 5/30/2007
Status: offline

RL, thank you..I think that is probably the hardest thing for me to do, realize that he is asking me for information and that it is my job as his submissive to give that information. To treat that request just like any other request.

_____________________________

I said I was a submissive, I never said I was a GOOD submissive.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
~Woody Allen

(in reply to robertolapiedra)

Post #: 26

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/14/2007 2:25:16 PM

Rover

Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline

In my personal opinion, Dominance and submission are innate qualities. The nature vs. nurture question crops up from time to time, and I've never found the "nurture" argument the least bit logical nor compelling.

John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to GhitaAmati)

Post #: 27

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/14/2007 2:45:47 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

I agree with Paragraph 2, not so much Paragraph 1. Watching someone else can actually be very disorienting, because the watcher may be a different kind of person from the one he's watching--even if they're both dom. In other words, not every dominant male is a good role model for every other dominant male.

I think you can learn to be a BETTER dom, but you can't learn to be a dom. You're either a dom or you're not. And how do you learn to be a better dom? Watching others can help, but I think the real key is to look inside yourself, and have the courage to be what you know you are.

Also, it helps to practice, you know. It's hard to be a great dom sitting in front of your computer.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Archer

Simply being around Dominants who model dominant behaviour will do someone with untapped dominant potential alot of good.

Much of our resistance to being dominant or submissive is socialized baggage, seeing folks who express it openly in a manner that meets with our ethical beliefs will certainly help reduce the extra baggage.

(in reply to Archer)

Post #: 28

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/14/2007 5:50:14 PM

Archer

Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline

LOL another instance of just not enough disclaimers to satisfy everyone, LOL.

More a matter of stopping short of a complete reccomendation and leaving off some things I figured could be assumed.
Sure not everyone is a great role model for everyone else, but they might also model behaviour that we dislike which is valuable also.

The statement was ment to draw on the idea you stated "I think the real key is to look inside yourself, and have the courage to be what you know you are."
Being around others who display dominant behaviour shouldn't be a mindless mimicry of their behaviours but examining their behaviours and modeling your own on what you see that you like and at the same time avoiding those behaviours you have seen others do that rankled your sense of "that just aint right".

Seeing people who are comfortable within their dominance or submisiveness will certainly help most people to become more comfortable with their own in more cases than it does not.

But certainly a valid point that I didn't specify clearly.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 29

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/14/2007 5:54:43 PM

Rover

Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Archer

Sure not everyone is a great role model for everyone else, but they might also model behaviour that we dislike which is valuable also.

An excellent and often overlooked point. It's just as important to know what we don't like, as it is to know what we do like. And it's as true for choosing a flavor of ice cream as it is for behavior as it is for B/D S/M activities.

John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to Archer)

Post #: 30

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/14/2007 5:57:47 PM

GhitaAmati

Posts: 3263
Joined: 5/30/2007
Status: offline

quote:

But certainly a valid point that I didn't specify clearly.

Bad Archer, shame....no dessert for you

_____________________________

I said I was a submissive, I never said I was a GOOD submissive.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
~Woody Allen

(in reply to Rover)

Post #: 31

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/14/2007 6:00:05 PM

Rover

Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GhitaAmati

quote:

But certainly a valid point that I didn't specify clearly.

Bad Archer, shame....no dessert for you

There's dessert??? Why am I always the last to know?

John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to GhitaAmati)

Post #: 32

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/14/2007 6:00:58 PM

Archer

Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline

So long as I get appetizers, LOL

(in reply to Rover)

Post #: 33

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/14/2007 6:09:14 PM

GhitaAmati

Posts: 3263
Joined: 5/30/2007
Status: offline

Id be scared to start handing anything out around here....

Anyway, I do thank you all for your comments today, you have all given me some great things to think about and to talk to him about when he finally gets home tonight...

_____________________________

I said I was a submissive, I never said I was a GOOD submissive.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
~Woody Allen

(in reply to Archer)

Post #: 34

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/14/2007 6:16:36 PM

welshwmn3

Posts: 126
Joined: 3/14/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GhitaAmati

I guess what I was hoping to hear...is that if I continue to "lead" from the bottom, teaching him and letting other Doms that I trust teach him...will it at some point get better?

The answer to that depends on how bad he wants to learn.

One of my Sirs is a man who liked a little 'kinky sex' when I first met him, but was not a "Dominant". He was open minded and willing to learn, though. We've had lots of ups and downs during the 10 years I've known him.

Your man will have to want to learn to become your Dominant. And you and he have to work through a lot of issues (what they are will be unique to you, ours were that he was always taught "a *real* man doesn't ever hurt a woman!" and all the feelings that came from that, and we had to redefine what "abuse" was -- again, in his definition when I first met him, abuse was what he loves to do to me now). You will need to be patient, and work through the times when he 'backslides'.

But if he really wants to do it, the payoff can be wonderful. :)

(in reply to GhitaAmati)

Post #: 35

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/14/2007 6:21:57 PM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

My opinion: You can learn the "moves" and how to make sounds like a Dom.. but if it is not your heart, you never will "be".

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to GhitaAmati)

Post #: 36

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/14/2007 6:25:34 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Archer,

I was looking forward to comenting on this thread but you seemed to have sewn it all up rather perfectly.

(in reply to Archer)

Post #: 37

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/14/2007 6:26:22 PM

octavia

Posts: 377
Joined: 5/20/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

...
If good leadership was as simple as "acting naturally", a lot of philosophers have wasted a lot of time in their writings.

yep Yep YEP!

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 38

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/14/2007 6:28:53 PM

welshwmn3

Posts: 126
Joined: 3/14/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: robertolapiedra

If you want him to "take control", you should stop "leading" from the bottom and "give up control" . It is like wanting the "passenger" take control of the car while you are driving. Stop the car, sit in "your" place. I expect nature to take over. Your husband knows what you want. It is up to him.

In other words, stop topping him. Submit. Act like and "be" a full time submissive. This will give him a chance to take leadership. But, he will do this on "his" terms. You may like the terms or not. You cannot get the satisfaction of submitting when you are the "leader". He will never get the "satisfaction" of a dominant if he is being led.

In the Military, you "mostly" learn to obey orders, not to lead. He wants to please you, by "following" your lead. This has to change into wanting to please you, by "leading" you. It would be easier for him if you gave up control and took the risk of a different outcome (that you would not be in control of).

You want your husband to be your dominant? Be submissive and dont do "his job" for him. The most important thing you learn in the Military is "team" work. Just do "your job" and wait for him to "complete" the team. Hope this helped. RL.

Edit: Bad grammar.

That's nice in theory, but it doesn't work practically.

I speak from experience, having trained my primary Sir to, well, BE my Sir. I do know that what worked for us may not work for others, however, just submitting to him led to massive amounts of frustration on my part. Because, if I did not force him to work for my submission, he just became lazy and let me do whatever I wanted (especially since I *wanted* to bring him coffee in the morning, make dinner for him, keep the house clean, etc). I made the world very easy, including being my "Dominant".

It wasn't until I made him work for it, to see he didn't just get to have all the perks of a power exchange relationship that he stopped taking it for granted and started doing his part.

There are so many things to take into consideration when 'training' a person to be dominant to you. Societal training is one (oh, I can't do that to a woman! that's abuse!), morals that they were raised in (slavery is EVIL!), and cultural norms (only assholes treat other people that way!). There are many times, especially in the beginning, where the 'trainee dom' will need extra support and encouragement (no, really, you are not bad for whipping me/tieing me up/ordering me to get your soda). They may need to hear 10,000 times that they are ok for doing all this, and in fact, are doing what you not only want, but also enjoy.

And just when you think they've got it, they need more encouragement. :)

As time goes by, and he picks up more, gets more confident in his strength, then the submissive can relinquish the teaching role she's been in, and finally be the sub she wants to be.

(in reply to robertolapiedra)

Post #: 39

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/14/2007 6:39:57 PM

GhitaAmati

Posts: 3263
Joined: 5/30/2007
Status: offline

quote:

I was looking forward to comenting on this thread but you seemed to have sewn it all up rather perfectly.

Darn it cause I was so looking forward to hearing your comments! lol

_____________________________

I said I was a submissive, I never said I was a GOOD submissive.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
~Woody Allen

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 40

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