RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom....

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom....

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom....

Page: << < prev 2 3 [4] 5 6 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/16/2007 12:35:46 PM

HardnRuff

Posts: 213
Joined: 3/17/2007
Status: offline

In My Own opinion .Its is something that you naturaly are ,you can teach them skills , but if they are not true Dom at heart I dont think you can change them and make them something that they are not , no matter how hard you try!. Just My opinion

_____________________________

" Weapon Of Ass Destruction" † Bitch tested slut approved †

(in reply to Laura)

Post #: 61

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/16/2007 12:49:03 PM

Grlwithboy

Posts: 655
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: chadra

quote:

Dominance is a learned skill.

By this do you mean the act of dominance, or the orientation of dominance?

That is an honest question. It's a fine point, but to me there is a distinction.

Not the potential, but the acts surrounding it, as well as being comfortable in it, deciding what is and isn't "you", developing a style and yet not being hidebound in it - losing the sado-guilt - the whole process of development.

If there wasn't mostly learning to be done in all this I wouldn't do it.

(in reply to chadra)

Post #: 62

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/16/2007 12:49:59 PM

MasterMataeo

Posts: 215
Joined: 1/24/2007
Status: offline

for some it is Inate for others it is learned,, but all must have the mind set behind it ,, and practice it,, for practice makes perfect ,, not to mention ,, If the Mind Wills It It can be so<mind over matter>

_____________________________

remember the Four corners: Communication, Honesty, Respect , and Trust

Try anything Once, Twice if you like it, Three times to make sure, four makes it a habit, and five makes it's a fetish.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 63

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/18/2007 2:41:58 AM

sierraflowr

Posts: 59
Joined: 6/7/2005
From: Northern California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

How long have you actively been into it?

Think of it as your service to him- to help teach him to be a better dom. Suffer some of your happy headspace so that in YEARS to come you'll go places together you never dreamed of.

Ok, i'll ask in the reverse here. my hubby is a sub, as am i basically, but in the past couple years i've enjoyed topping him. i can be quite sadistic in our play and am getting into THAT more and more LOL. but i am having difficulty in becoming more Domme as in the authority part of it. can THAT be taught or learned?
what do you think.

_____________________________

~flowr
O};-
When I let go of who I am,
I become who I might be.
-Lao Tzu

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 64

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/18/2007 4:29:19 AM

Rover

Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sierraflowr

... but in the past couple years i've enjoyed topping him. i can be quite sadistic in our play and am getting into THAT more and more LOL.

Just as an interesting observation, over the years I've found that some of the most sadistic people are submissives. Even if they're not the one inflicting the pain, they're absolutely reveling in its infliction upon others.

The usual disclaimers about generalizations apply.

John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to sierraflowr)

Post #: 65

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/18/2007 7:21:04 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

If it isn't in You then it can't and never will be learned. You may be able to put on a mask, give a good performance, even be an excellent Top, but unless Dominance is part of You inherently, it simply isn't the way You are wired and something You will never BE.

Can You learn to be a BETTER Dom... absolutely, You can and should look to become better than You are and whether You have been active as a Dom for 26 years or just 26 minutes, there is always more to learn.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to GhitaAmati)

Post #: 66

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/18/2007 10:06:19 AM

PONYSEEKER

Posts: 364
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

Yes I think someone can learn to be a Dom. First you should find away to introduce him to Archer...LOL (no joke really)
He may have to learn that it is "okay" to be "selfish" and to be a hedonistic asshole. For me getting past the learned
if you say this your gonna get bitched at kind of thing and its okay to want something and demand it stuff. Its kind of hard to
explain really but toughest thing for me was really how to be polite and respectable but at the same time say and demand
things that in the vanilla world would be a phrase that would get me thrown out so to speak...LOL. Its kind of like figuring
out what your desires really are deep down inside and what you really want from a girl deep down inside and letting it out
which I was taught was socially unexceptable. Once I got past that then I got a little "out-of-control" for a while but that
didnt take long to snap into perspective. I think that being a Dom is often an inner search into the parts of my personality
that were formaly not recognized or blocked from my view and can drudge up feelings I never even knew I had before.
You have to kind of proccess it all on your own then get the checks and ballences from someone else which allso was
really difficult for me.

(in reply to Laura)

Post #: 67

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/18/2007 10:09:00 AM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GhitaAmati

or is it something you just naturally "are"?

Level made me think of something because of his "are you happy?" thread. I had been in the lifestyle for 7 years when I married a vanilla man. I had taken a break from this lifestyle and decided I didnt "need" is because of some bad experiances. I am glad I took that break because I met the most wonderul man. As time has gone by though, I realized I was only fooling myself back when I decided I didnt need this lifestyle anymore. Even though at the time I had been honest with him about my involvement in the lifestyle, I promised him that I didnt want that type of a relationship anymore. For almost 4 years now we have had a perfect vanilla relationship. About a year ago though, I realized how much I missed the D/s dynamics and he has been wonderful about exploring this lifestyle with me. We bought all the basic BDSM beginner books, we searched out our local munched and play parties and community discussion groups. He's become a wonderful "Top" and is willing to go farther but I dont know if thats even possible. We talk all the time about what we both want out of this....we've decided that for us, D/s is going to be part time...we will still continue to have our equal marriage and family. I know that seems srtange to alot of people on this site but oh well, its what works for us. I dont want to force D/s into more of our time, but the time that we are in that "role" I'd like for it to be more intense. Right now its mainly physical, im admittedly a pain slut, and enjoy the scening at parties, but Id really like for there to be a more "mental" aspect to our play...While he can obviouly learn how to use a multitude of toys, floggers, whips, paddles, and more, and learn how to safely use bondage techniques, is it possible to "learn" the mindset behind it?

If you are talking about D/s? No I don't think you learn it, either you are or you aren't and there's obviously a path of self-enlightenment and such, but I don't think you can learn to be a dominant or a master/mistress or an owner. Either you are or you aren't.

I do think you can learn SM technique and how to do BDSM in a technically proficient manner.

C~

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to GhitaAmati)

Post #: 68

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/18/2007 11:42:34 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

In talking to Jack Rinella (A well known BDSM author) last night after his speaking engagement, he pretty much blew holes in the "natural dominant" bullshit adhered to by many. My opinion is that dominance is a skill like any other, one can learn to do it even if you don't enjoy it. How many of us become good at a job that they have to PAY us to do after all. You can't teach someone to enjoy it and want to do it for free but it CAN be taught and learned.

(in reply to Wildfleurs)

Post #: 69

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/18/2007 11:44:53 AM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

In talking to Jack Rinella (A well known BDSM author) last night after his speaking engagement, he pretty much blew holes in the "natural dominant" bullshit adhered to by many. My opinion is that dominance is a skill like any other, one can learn to do it even if you don't enjoy it. How many of us become good at a job that they have to PAY us to do after all. You can't teach someone to enjoy it and want to do it for free but it CAN be taught and learned.

Did Jay Wiseman have some conclusive randomized double blind study of dominance that I missed?

I'm trying to figure out how he blew holes in a theory without some conclusive proof. Unless this is just an issue of differing theories, of one that you happen to ascribe to.

C~

Edited for typos.

< Message edited by Wildfleurs -- 7/18/2007 11:45:28 AM >

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 70

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/18/2007 11:48:36 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Oh I don't know, how about the army? How about any leadership training?

ONLY in the bdsm world are there people who cling to the belief that what they do is so special it can't be taught. Being a dominant is a skill, skills can be taught. Enjoyment of that skill is another issue.

(in reply to Wildfleurs)

Post #: 71

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/18/2007 11:49:49 AM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Oh I don't know, how about the army? How about any leadership training?

ONLY in the bdsm world are there people who cling to the belief that what they do is so special it can't be taught. Being a dominant is a skill, skills can be taught. Enjoyment of that skill is another issue.

Okay I'm guessing he didn't have a conclusive factual study and it is an issue of differing theories.

Of course people can learn how to do a job well.

C~

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 72

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/18/2007 12:12:13 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

I would imagine there are a great many studies of how to teach people to be dominant enough to order people to kill themselves or do something that is highly likely to cause their death. I am not sure how hard your dominant pushes you but that is a bit harder than I play.

Can YOU name a published bdsm author who says dominance is innate?

(in reply to Wildfleurs)

Post #: 73

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/18/2007 12:17:41 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Are we talking dominance as a personality trait or dominance as an orientation?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 74

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/18/2007 12:18:14 PM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

I would imagine there are a great many studies of how to teach people to be dominant enough to order people to kill themselves or do something that is highly likely to cause their death. I am not sure how hard your dominant pushes you but that is a bit harder than I play.

You lost me there. You started using examples of jobs to show that dominance is learned and somehow we've jumped to killing (in which case this is my ghost communicating with everyone)

quote:

Can YOU name a published bdsm author who says dominance is innate?

Umm I'm not the one that said that Jay Wiseman "blew holes" into the belief that you can't learn to be a dominant. I'm still waiting for the conclusive proof that will blow it all away.

C~

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 75

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/18/2007 12:33:07 PM

Rover

Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Oh I don't know, how about the army? How about any leadership training?

This would be an apt analogy, if everyone in the army could be taught to be a leader. Except that they're not. Each candidate is selected based upon demonstration of leadership qualities already inherent to them, and are sent to leadership training in order to develop those innate qualities and characteristics.

John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 76

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/18/2007 12:36:06 PM

Rover

Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Can YOU name a published bdsm author who says dominance is innate?

Actually, I was on a panel (admittedly an online panel, but comprised of recognized offline people) that included Jay Wiseman, Laura Antoniou and a few other published BDSM authors who all agreed (at that time, at least) that Dominance (and submission) were innate qualities. I believe the year was about 2003.

John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 77

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/18/2007 12:42:00 PM

Archer

Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline

#1 the Author cited is Jack Rinella not Jay Wiseman so let's get that straightened out first. (grin)

#2 the jump to "death" was easy enough to follow for me (Military is a job, a job that teaches folks to lead/ order people to kill and or die) it's a stretch as far as annoalogies go, but not hard to follow.

Now to the core issue, the question is can you teach someone (within a reasonable personality bell curve) to be a competent Dominant (as opposed to a phsical Top). The military is a perfect example that you can take most any person and teach them a modicum of leadership skills and they can in most cases become good at it. (not to say they will enjoy it).

Can you teach Voice Inflection, Body language skills, Organization tactics, Discipline (not to be confused with punishment only) Systems, The question is very old going back t the old debates about can you make an knight out of a peasent class commoner. Todays accepted theory of leadership is that it can be learned, evidence (Leadership science, Management training, Leadership training, ROTC classes, OCS, West Point, Annapolis, Air Force Academy).

(in reply to Wildfleurs)

Post #: 78

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/18/2007 12:49:34 PM

GhitaAmati

Posts: 3263
Joined: 5/30/2007
Status: offline

quote:

This would be an apt analogy, if everyone in the army could be taught to be a leader. Except that they're not. Each candidate is selected based upon demonstration of leadership qualities already inherent to them, and are sent to leadership training in order to develop those innate qualities and characteristics.

I agree with John on this one Michael...yes, to a point everyone in the Army is tought leadership skills, but some are just better than others. If everyone learned those skills the same, then everyone would go to leadership training and officers school.

Ok, so yes skills can be learned, I guess my original question was whether dominance was a skill or a character trait. I compleatly understand that there are differences of opinions on this. And if we are using the Army analogy, I guess I am lucky in that my Sir is one of those who got picked for warrant officers school....

I know, inherently that my Sir is one of those with a dominant personality. In many many ways we already have a D/s or even M/s relationship. It is just who he is and who I am. My question was really leaning only towards the play aspects, maybe I should have asked can you learn to be a sadist...I dont know. Can you learn to sexually enjoy inflicting pain. Sir already has control in every other aspect of my life, he's just never been with a painslut before and I have to admit that's what I am. Its only in play that he's not quite sure what to do. in one aspect, he does enjoy it because he enjoys the reaction he gets from me when he does it, but I dont think he enjoys it for himself yet...and I dont know if he ever will.

ghita~

_____________________________

I said I was a submissive, I never said I was a GOOD submissive.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
~Woody Allen

(in reply to Rover)

Post #: 79

RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom.... - 7/18/2007 12:52:21 PM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Archer

Now to the core issue, the question is can you teach someone (within a reasonable personality bell curve) to be a competent Dominant (as opposed to a phsical Top). The military is a perfect example that you can take most any person and teach them a modicum of leadership skills and they can in most cases become good at it. (not to say they will enjoy it).

Can you teach Voice Inflection, Body language skills, Organization tactics, Discipline (not to be confused with punishment only) Systems, The question is very old going back t the old debates about can you make an knight out of a peasent class commoner. Todays accepted theory of leadership is that it can be learned, evidence (Leadership science, Management training, Leadership training, ROTC classes, OCS, West Point, Annapolis, Air Force Academy).

Ignoring the analogy, which was poor at best I've taken Leadership and Management Classes (my Masters degree on Management [in addition to another field] was at a top three in the field university). And the classes focus on finding our what kind of leader and manager you are, based on getting in touch with your core personality (lots of personality tests and self analysis) and who you are. So in that instance, again it wasn't about learning to be a leader, but through self analysis figuring out what kind of person you are and consequently what kind of leader you are.

Personally I felt the classes were faulty in the assumption that everyone is a leader, and you just had to find out what kind of leader you are. I also felt that it the classses were largely pointless and in many respects theoretical, I don't think you find out what kind of leader you are until you are leading. You can take all of the classes in the world, listen to the talking bobble head "experts" in the field, it doesn't add up to much. And really, not to different from a BDSM oriented "dominance class" or some sort of workshop to become a dominant that I think is also useless and has nothing to do with whether someone is a dominant or not.

C~

< Message edited by Wildfleurs -- 7/18/2007 12:53:45 PM >

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to Archer)

Post #: 80

Page: << < prev 2 3 [4] 5 6 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Can you "learn" to be a Dom....

Page: << < prev 2 3 [4] 5 6 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094