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littlesarbonn -> RE: 'Dreaded Friends Category' (7/15/2007 2:55:23 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: salilus
That used to happen to me a lot. I listened well, people came to me with troubles and needing a shoulder to cry on and I would end up really caring for them. Meanwhile, they'd be in a place where they just couldn't be in a relationship... with me. They'd get into relationships with other people, of course... just not with the person they could spill their guts to. God forbid I see them as human AND see them as dominant.
A female dominant on these boards and I were talking at one time about this (this used to be one of my standard complaints), and she said something that made complete sense, and I've been living my life by that mantra ever since. The jist of it is: If a woman tells you at the beginning stages of a relationship that either a: She wants to be friends, or b: She isn't ready for a relationship right now but would rather be friends (and still manages to be dating others who treat her bad, cheat on her, steal out of her wallet, etc., what that really means is she does want a relationship. Just not with you.
I can't tell you how many female friends I have in my life. It's absurd. Yes, I'm that guy they can call in the middle of the night and pour their heart out to, knowing I'll always listen, and no matter how bad the other guy treated them, they're still going to make the comment "I wish I could find someone like you" and still go back to the other abusive guy. But that's okay because the women who I have as friends I actually value as friends, as the word "friend" really means something to me, not just as a placeholder for "not interested in me".
So, I started treating this differently since discovering that. Yes, women will probably hate me for saying this, but I'm not really going to apologize because it has made my life a lot simpler and less hectic. I'll give you an example of an exchange that happened last year at the university where I am a grad student.
A very attractive female grad student started last year and we finally had a moment to sit down and talk. At one point, her flirtatous attitude indicates to me that she finds me interesting and is quite interested in hearing more about me. So, I start to inquire "relationship"-wise. She blurted out. "I don't really see you that way. I see you more as a friend. A really good one."
I smile, nod, and say: "I appreciate it, but all my friends are people I've dated. It usually takes a long time to become a friend with me. I don't see that happening. So, good luck to you."
So, all during last year, this woman was hanging on my every word, interested in everything I said, wrote and discussed. She came by my office and wanted to hang out with me, constantly inviting me to "grab a bite or some coffee". Halfway through the semester, she comes by my office and tells me about how she broke up with her boyfriend and then wants to tell me the whole story. I smile, nod, and say: "I'm sorry. I'm not comfortable discussing intimate subjects with someone I'm not involved with."
Rest of semester, she won't leave my office whenever I'm around. Tells me, she's been "thinking" about me. She had a dream about me the other night. All that sort of stuff. Close to the end of the semester, she visits my office and asks: "How come we never got together? We seem so alike." I look up from my book and respond: "I'm very particular about the women I date. I have special needs." And I leave it at that.
Received an email from her the other day, stating that she was looking forward to seeing me again when the semester starts. Gave an indication she discovered some "info" and is anxious to talk to me when we get together. If she shows up on the first day in black leather and a whip, I'll have a good idea what "info" she discovered. And if she does, I'll introduce her to the woman I'm dating. That ought to be interesting.
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