RE: Bullies (Full Version)

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Arpig -> RE: Bullies (7/15/2007 3:04:47 PM)

quote:

I'm looking for more of a how to cope type answer... I have to be here right now, its a way of life... so how do I deal with it in the intrum until I CAN move out?

Blunt answer with no frills....suck it up princess....you are living in their house, and while your mother sounds like a right harridan, it is their house and you do not contribute to the expense of the household (or at least didn't mention it if you do) and you your parents to compensate you for the 2 pieces of pizza your brother ate.....holy shit if I were your parents I would tell you to start paying 1/4 the expenses or shut up.




Lashra -> RE: Bullies (7/15/2007 3:18:52 PM)

Ok since you put it that way. Don't move out. Stay at home. Learn mediation exercises to help relieve the stress. Change your way of thinking, do not think of this as a personal hell, think of it as a learning experience. Tell yourself this is not forever and that one day it will come to an end. Save as much money as you can and if you have the time, get a part time job in addition to the one you have. Believe me you cannot make your dreams come true by sitting on your ass whining about it. You are the only one who can make them come true and that takes WORK and DETERMINATION. So if you want out of this situation the only one that can make that happen is YOU.

Good luck,
~Lashra



LotusSong -> RE: Bullies (7/15/2007 3:25:13 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: satyrsnymph28

This is exactly the kind of response I knew I would get... Moving out is simply NOT an option... I made sure to say that when I posted, to attempt to avoid all those responses.  If I could move, I would... I simply can't afford to.  Every time I move in with someone its way more of a loss than it is a gain because suddenly my stuff becomes their stuff... and its just like being at home. 

I'm looking for more of a how to cope type answer... I have to be here right now, its a way of life... so how do I deal with it in the intrum until I CAN move out?



Then you are just going to have to suck it up and work like hell to get on your feet so you CAN leave.  You are living in their house and their rules.  It's no easier on the "outside".



popeye1250 -> RE: Bullies (7/15/2007 3:37:22 PM)

I have the perfect solution for you!
Go to your local Military Recruiter.
Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, Coast Guard. Your pick.
They'll give you a place to stay, FREE clothes, free medical, dental,travel, great schools too, all free!
You can learn a great trade while you're in and if you want to get out after your hitch you can go to college and they'll pay for most of it, no cripling student loans!
Fat? No worries! They'll take care of that!
You'll be slim and Strong when you get out and won't take any shit from anyone.
Like good food and a clean bed? The Navy and Air Force or Coast Guard are for you.
Like to camp out and shit in a ditch, then it's the Army or Marines.
Oh, and they PAY you pretty good these days too.



nyrisa -> RE: Bullies (7/15/2007 3:50:26 PM)

I agree with most of the other posters. You will not be able to change these people, because they are satisfied with the way things are, and it is you who is not. Therefore, the only person who has motivation to make a change, is you.

You have no other option except to move out. Whether that is sooner, or later, is up to you. Actually, this type of treatment is little different from the emotional abuse many people suffer from a spouse, and you are given the same advice they are.......to leave the abusive situation. The abused spouse faces all the hurdles you have now, plus also frequently has children to consider. So people are not being unkind in their advice, they are not overlooking the difficulties involved or the toughness of the decision, they are just stating the facts. Also, you need to learn from this situation, so that you don't end up in the same fix later on, as an abused spouse. People tend to repeat the same patterns, and now is the time for you to break this cycle in your life.

Fight the battles that are winnable. Any food in the fridge is going to be fair game to all, no matter how much it upsets you. I would agree with the advice to get a good lock for your door, and a small refrigerator. I would expect that the locked door might precipitate more attacks from your mother, though, so don't be suprised.

The other option, is to become less of a fun target. Your mother will not stop her verbal attacks just because you talk with her reasonably about it. She will only cease them if she does not get a satisfying response. You could try turning the tables. The next time she tells you too eat less, ask her if less salt can be put in the food, as she is not getting any younger, and her risk for stroke and heart attack is so much greater now. Tell her she looks very flushed and sweaty, and you are concerned that her blood pressure is up. Tell her you are afraid that she might not live as long as she should, and you worry about her having a stroke and being paralyzed, and who would take care of her then? You know your brother is just starting his life out, and your dad is probably not up to the job, and you will eventually be moving out, and you worry about who will feed her and change her sheets when she is helpless. Suggest that she take a good long walk with you after supper, because she will be healthier if she gets more exercise and loses some weight, and this will benefit both of you. Give her other helpful diet and exercise suggestions. Suggest a new hair style, or a new facial regimen, to minimize those lines and wrinkles and dark circles that are increasing. Tell her that her pants are getting a little tight. Have fun. Stretch this out over a long time period, and be very helpful with your insights. You may find that she does not wish to talk with you quite so much as before.

Good luck.



KatyLied -> RE: Bullies (7/15/2007 4:24:31 PM)

quote:

I would expect that the locked door might precipitate more attacks from your mother,


Or it may have the unwelcome result of having the door completely removed from the hinges.



nyrisa -> RE: Bullies (7/15/2007 5:00:15 PM)

Yes; that would certainly be a possibility. It won't be pretty, either way.



cuddleheart50 -> RE: Bullies (7/15/2007 5:05:24 PM)

This thread reminds me of my dad telling me stories about when he was growing up...walking barefoot in the snow uphill for 10 miles to school.  [:D]



ManInTheBox -> RE: Bullies (7/15/2007 5:07:24 PM)

Perhaps you could ask other family members for help? I would say to move in with them but you said you can't do that. Plus I'd refuse to do whatever your brother should be doing. It's not like your parents could do much worse to you than they're doing now. If they do kick you out for some retarded reason is there a friend's house to crash at for a few nights and work a couple of jobs. College might haveta go on hold though. If you don't want to take risks of getting kicked out or something like that though I'm afraid you'll have to deal with the way things are.



Sinergy -> RE: Bullies (7/15/2007 6:57:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: popeye1250

I have the perfect solution for you!
Go to your local Military Recruiter.
Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, Coast Guard. Your pick.
They'll give you a place to stay, FREE clothes, free medical, dental,travel, great schools too, all free!
You can learn a great trade while you're in and if you want to get out after your hitch you can go to college and they'll pay for most of it, no cripling student loans!
Fat? No worries! They'll take care of that!
You'll be slim and Strong when you get out and won't take any shit from anyone.
Like good food and a clean bed? The Navy and Air Force or Coast Guard are for you.
Like to camp out and shit in a ditch, then it's the Army or Marines.
Oh, and they PAY you pretty good these days too.


I hear Basra and Baghdad are lovely this time of year.

As others have posted, you make that alternative sound preferable to living at your parent's house.

Sinergy



CuriousLord -> RE: Bullies (7/15/2007 7:25:38 PM)

My view is that people in this world can be utterly horrible beings. I expect the worst from them. Pretty often, I get what I expect, and there's no surprise. Sometimes, they're a bit better than that, and I get a bit of a pleasant break.

Power. It can come as money. I hope you're taking a major that produces it. Money, in and of itself, is not important. The roof it can put over your head, the clothes it can put on your back, the food it can put in your tummy, the medicines it can buy to treat you with- those are.

Your situation there sounds unpleasant, largely in the emotional department. Sure, you have a place to live, but it's your emotions that are getting trampled. A lot of people can't think that far, deem it as reasonable, and tell you to suck it up. Ignore them.

Practical stuff:
-Is your major a producer? If not, change it. While it's good to have a job you like, just because it's a college degree doesn't mean it's anywhere near as valuable as another. Some Harvard grads with high GPA's go on to near-minimum-wage jobs. Because they studied something stupid. Don't do this.

-Moving out. Look for friends. Find a cheap appartment with two or three bedrooms. You can probably split it with friends. Make sure everyone's name is on the lease, or you otherwise have a binding legal contract ensuring you won't get screwed on this bit. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend who you feel comfortable splitting a room with, this can further reduce expenses (though I strongly suggest you don't get a boyfriend/girlfriend for the sake of this, or move in with one you're not comfortable with doing so with).

You don't need a bed. A sleeping bag does just fine. And, yes, I've lived out of a sleeping bag for a year, so I know this for sure. A warm bag might cost you from thirty to fifty dollars. That'll do. Just make sure you clean up well before going into it to reduce the number of times you have to track down a huge luandry machine.

-Jobs. Is your current one not paying enough for your needs? Look for a better one. Don't tell your current employer until it's a sure deal. Waitressing may be a ticket. (My little brother makes a killing as a waitor. You should see the big screen TV's he's bought. And, yes, he moved out about a year ago. He's not even twenty yet.) If your major is one that has such things, look for an internship- they often pay well.

-Money management. I don't even have time to touch on this well, but consider it in earnest.

Good luck.



BossyShoeBitch -> RE: Bullies (7/15/2007 7:45:44 PM)

I've seen this movie before.  Tell me if I am anywhere close to the plot..
1. Mom and Dad are miserable, unhappy people.
2. Growing up, Brother became very angry, loud and possibly aggressive whenever Mom or Dad called him on poor behavior or for not cleaning his room/toys/area.  It became so much less stressful for Mom to simply do it for him rather than deal with the confrontation with him.
3. Growing up, it was much easier to control you as you didn't give Mom the same type of problem that Brother did.
4. Even now, Mom and Dad enable Brother and they continue to make excuses for Brother's behavior.

If I am anywhere close to your truth, then here is my advice.

MOVE OUT WITHOUT A STICK OF FURNITURE!
Tell them to jump in a lake.

When moving day comes (or soon after anyway), you will be shocked to see your Mom coming to your house to help and to offer you your furniture..

Grow a set of balls.
But be respectful.

You'll see.




Owner59 -> RE: Bullies (7/15/2007 8:14:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Suck it up, save like a demon, and move out ASAP.

They aren't going to change.  You have to change your living situation and over the years you can retrain them how to treat you.  But first, you have to become a stable secure independent adult.


Well put...LuckyAlbatross...
satyrsnymph28,
LA`s advice to save is key.Make goals and start to look for other places.Things will come together.
A good room mate is a great way to get a bigger place,and saves you money on expenses.
You`re a good girl and don`t deserve this.When you`re on your own,things should get better with your folks.
As you get older,you`ll earn more and have more financial independence.

My 1st apt.?  100 dollars a month(that included heat/HW/electric,and had a fridge.My only furniture was a futon on the floor.Now I have a house full of crap and a mortgage,<sigh...>.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Bullies (7/15/2007 9:59:02 PM)

And of course I disagree with Curious in the "make sure your major can make money" deal- ALL majors can lead to great jobs with good financial prospects, and the best major can lead to someone unemployed.

Just make sure you DO have good life skills that are transferable to the real world, no matter what major you get.  I was a BA in philosophy- probably the anti money making major.  But I'm doing just fine for myself overall.



velvetears -> RE: Bullies (7/15/2007 10:32:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

And of course I disagree with Curious in the "make sure your major can make money" deal- ALL majors can lead to great jobs with good financial prospects, and the best major can lead to someone unemployed.



Actually i think he gave very sound advice which i wish i had gotten when i was going through my first 4 years of school.  Every undergrad has to take the same basic core courses, then you take a certain number of courses in your major.  Honestly, it doesn't really matter too much what your undergraduate degree is, if you plan to go further, it will just mean a little catch up time if your undergrad doesn't match your later program of study. Most Masters or PhD programs offer their courses at night - as they know people, after they graduate with their BA's and BS's, start work and need to go back to school after their jobs finish. i found it actually difficult to find programs with courses during the day when i went for my Masters.  Getting a marketable undergraduate degree is important, very important, especially if you are in a situation where you need to be able to make money and be on your own quickly. In fact an 18 months to 24 month trade school might be an even better choice for her to at least get her some skills to make money - no skills = no job or at the very least a minimum wage jobs.



SirMGD -> RE: Bullies (7/16/2007 5:03:59 AM)

Oh man, were I you, I'd have a good time living there;-here's a sample:
Parents say do ~whatever~
you: "no"
they don't like it and start to rag on you~
you: "well, tell you what, why dont you get a ladder...?"
them: "what the hell for?"
you: "...so you can climb down off my back"
obviously, they won't like that much, and will say so....
you; "well, you know what they say in russia....?"
them: "no, what?"
you: "tough shitskies."
then a flurry of bitching will ensue, because of your wise mouth and poor attitude...
at which point, a true gem of wisdom will be needed, to mollify them;
you: "well, you know what they say in the army....?"
them: (blank stare till they fearfully ask) "what?"
you: "a bitchin soldier is a happy soldier."
...oh, and next time at dinner, fill your plate with all the food it can possibly hold, then hungrily start to take a bite, then set it down and spit on the food, then don't eat.
If they say anything, just say, "well, im trying to lose weight, darn I nearly forgot."
them: "then why did you have to spit on it?"
you: "i always do, since *brothers name here* likes it when he eats my food , or at least he sure seemed to the other night when he ate my pizza."
mom wakin you up at 8:30 is easy..from now on every time she does, scream bloody murder and act like she scared you to death. If she doesn't stop then, wet the bed or something too.
hehe, you did ask for ways to cope....
yw



petdave -> RE: Bullies (7/16/2007 5:13:11 AM)

1. Make brownies with a large dose of Ex-Lax in them. Brother stealing food issue will cease. Alternately, bring home a pepperoni pizza, and carefully slide one of the pepperonis off, cut out the circle of cheese underneath, and fill the resulting hole with cayenne pepper, sand, tinfoil (if he has fillings) or feces. Replace pepperoni and put in fridge. Remember not to eat pizza.
2. Start watching Craigslist for free and cheap furniture (i.e., bed frames for $25, dressers for $50). Shop the Salvation Army or Goodwill for linens and cooking utensils. Use your Mocha Frappuchino money to buy it. Let your mother leave HER FURNITURE in the garage (Jesus, it must be nice to have that kind of free time. Retirement is SO wasted on old people)
3. Download a clip of Eric Cartman from South Park shouting "I'M NOT FAT I'M BIG BONED". Record it on a personal recorder or sound chip, and when they start giving you shit about your weight, give no response except to play that after every sentence. While doing this, continue reading, eating, or stare right through them as if they weren't even there.
4. Quit making excuses and move the fuck out if they're going to treat you like that.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Bullies (7/16/2007 8:48:10 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears
Getting a marketable undergraduate degree is important, very important, especially if you are in a situation where you need to be able to make money and be on your own quickly. In fact an 18 months to 24 month trade school might be an even better choice for her to at least get her some skills to make money - no skills = no job or at the very least a minimum wage jobs.

I'm afraid you're talking to someone with an antimarketable degree who was able to live on her own less than a year after graduation. 

Of course having great skills is important, and no, college isn't the only answer.  But suggesting that you need a particularly marketable major in order to make money is completely false.



winterlight -> RE: Bullies (7/16/2007 9:23:29 AM)

my suggestion is getting another job and save your rearend off. i would rather sleep on the floor than put up with their treatment of me. At least i would have my own place and some peace. For the life of me i cannot remember the psychological term for it? Passive aggressive? The type of behavior where u both are stuck with each other or feed off of each other? Go and see somebody about counseling to learn how to deal with your parents. The counselor can give you coping skills.
What about getting help in learning how to save money also? There should be some things that you could do to sock away some money somehow and watch it grow better than being in a bank.
I had an uncle like that. All the girls had to work and pay their own way through college. The boys had their paid. Although the boys had to go to school where Dad told them to go. Italian family. That's just the way my uncle was. That is not to say every italian family is that way. Just my uncle.
I agree with the above advice from everybody. You need to get the HELL out of there. Your family will never change unless they want to. Frankly the dynamics are just set in stone from what i have read.
Good luck!



onestandingstill -> RE: Bullies (7/16/2007 9:44:42 AM)

Buy yourself a little dorm style refridgerator to keep in your room, and put a lock on your bedroom door.
Then no one will share the things you bought without asking if they can & no one will be going through your things, or moving them without your consent.
Over all I say focus on they are helping you by you not having to pay rent or utilities, they enable you to live at the standards you're not willing to go below, they are feeding you, and they let you live in their home.

Temper your frustration over their imperfections with the fact they do care for you & are enabeling you to live by their support much more comfortable than you could without them.
Over all it's finding an attitude of gratitude that will bring you some peace IMO.
suzanne



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