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Termyn8or -> RE: Bullies (7/16/2007 1:08:40 PM)
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To the OP.
First of all be glad you got somewhere to stay. If you have a few chores, fine, but don't let it get ridiculous.
Point number one. The curfew, this must be solved. It is inappropriate except in some rare instances. You have two options. First of all do not bitch about having to do the dishes while goldenboy sits on his ass over there. If I could do dishes rather than make a house or rent payment every month I would deal with it. But I agree about the curfew, so there are two options.
First and best would be a second shift job, one that absolutely prevents you from getting home by 10 PM. Let the sparks fly. Handle it. IF they start this crap about don't come home of it isn't by 10 PM with you just say "Fine", see you tomorrow. Sleep in your car across town. DO NOT let them know where you are, and I would mention before you leave for work "If you move my shit out to the garage again it is staying there".
Absent the second shift job there is a secondary, less desirable plan. TELL them, DO NOT ASK them, that you are going to be late. See what happens. This will take a bit more ass and backbone, but when the shit hits the fan, expect the worst.
Now here are some questions you need to answer before any large amount of self assertion. Is your car in YOUR name ? Did you pay/or are paying for it ? Do you have your own insurance or are you on their policy ? If you are still on their policy are you paying them for your portion of the premium ? This is important. If that car is really your's it will be a great tool.
If they can be induced to excuse a cerfew violation because of your whim, they can remove the curfew altogether, so that is not a bad direction to take. Make sure if you do this that you assert that you will be hanging around with friends, this is your choice as an adult. They will probably say don't come home at all then, to which you reply "OK, see you tomorrow". Maybe.
Hopefully you have a bank account, time this right around payday. Get a motel room after a day or three, get a nice shower, perhaps if you can afford it buy a nice outfit, a tasteful one, nothing gawdy. Save that for the second time you have to assert yourself. Power hungry people do not change, so even if it all works to your advantage and you get some respect, don't expect it to last forever.
In my opinion, psychologically, for all concerned, the curfew issue is the first target. If your car is in their name, or perhaps they bought it for you a while back, and it's on their insurance, I am sure you can find someone to go out drinking with. Show up at 3 AM. Test their resolve. I mean it. That can go a long way for you, and I admit it could backfire.
But there is one thing very important to learn in life, you will never win of you are not willing to lose. If I had to do dishes and take out the garbage in lieu of rent I would be happy as a lark. I would complete my tasks cheerfully. What it would pay to just do that would never be enough to pay for this place. It's like when my boss bitches at me, a very rare occurrence. I think to myself "Well you are the fucker with the palatial estate and the 40' boat". This is all other bullshit. Do the dishes, that is not really the issue.
The first and foremost issue is the curfew. You see that, and I see that as an undermining of your supposed adulthood. I'm not going to tell you to get out like others. You have your reasons right now. It would be best, but you said it is simply not on the table right now.
So you have to gain their respect, and you can't win if you are not willing to lose. What is the punishment for breaking the curfew ? Do you get grounded ? If so do you have car keys ? Rebellion can be very effective when used properly. But you still need to be willing to lose.Even if you are not willing to walk out the door, you must make them think you are. I don't see any other way to cope with this. And that is what you asked so I will refrain from giving carreer advice. And my advice on that is just as radical, and to use it you need a marketable skill.
I assume that is what you want, go to school or something and eventually get a good job. All of these issues will seem to evaporate once you get some earning power. Things could change in a heartbeat, but you just want to make it better for now. Rebellion is your only tool. Use it wisely. I would not refuse to do a chore if I was living there rent free. But other things, well, you might just have to go find out how much they will miss you.
In either case, you need a life outside those walls. I doubt you could ever have friends over there, or want to, and that is a miserable existence. I agree, but the difference is I wouldn't stay. I have lived under a bush in front of a church on Detroit road in Lakewood Ohio. I would do it again faced with these circumstances.
I don't expect you to have the guts to do this, but I would stay away for a few days and not shower or bathe. I would show up and ask if my shit was in the garage yet, because I am going to take it and sell it so I can stay the fuck out of here. But that's me. I have been doing whatever I want whenever I want since I was 12. So the situation is not the same.
The thing to realize is that they care about you, at least a little bit. This has been a disadvantage to you, and although I am generally against it, in this case it might be time to use their concern against them. In my opinion it is justifiable.
I have lived with Parents, even Grandparents as an adult. They did not fuck with me like that. Of course I couldn't crank my 400 watt stereo, but whaddya want for nuthin ?
The ironic thing is that if you actually moved out it would change their attitude about you in a New York minute. One day you will see that. It will happen eventually, but for now just attack that curfew. It is like the fulcrum, the crux of the matter right now.
Next question : Do they ever say if you don't like it get the fuck out ? That affects how you need to handle this, it makes a difference.
Don't jump to do this, plan it very carefully. Later comes step two.
T
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