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RE: Agressive Dom - 7/18/2007 11:11:12 AM

willowspirit

Posts: 164
Joined: 6/20/2005
From: U.S.A.-Minnesota
Status: offline

Some of us submissives -- our wiring is so "abnormal" that we don't trust our -- or even have -- honest "gut" feelings. We are so trusting and wired to see all sides of everything and everyone that we just -- well -- need help to see the liars and the abusers.
Something, I've learned is that while I am apart and away from the influence of an "emitting" Dominant "voice" or presence is to use my head -- knowing my weaknesses -- and Plan for MY safety. I have to set things up so that I have no other choice but to be safe.

Being accountable to someone else I DO trust helps me. Having a "Safe-call" person expecting my phone call and updates on my plans. Giving that person the license plate number of the person's car. Having them know where I am and who i am with -- etc... etc...

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 41

RE: Agressive Dom - 7/18/2007 11:16:00 AM

Aileen68

Posts: 6091
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: willowspirit

Some of us submissives -- our wiring is so "abnormal" that we don't trust our -- or even have -- honest "gut" feelings. We are so trusting and wired to see all sides of everything and everyone that we just -- well -- need help to see the liars and the abusers.
Something, I've learned is that while I am apart and away from the influence of an "emitting" Dominant "voice" or presence is to use my head -- knowing my weaknesses -- and Plan for MY safety. I have to set things up so that I have no other choice but to be safe.

Being accountable to someone else I DO trust helps me. Having a "Safe-call" person expecting my phone call and updates on my plans. Giving that person the license plate number of the person's car. Having them know where I am and who i am with -- etc... etc...

wow..how have you gotten so far in life? And how do you pick the people to trust? What if they're scumbags too?

(in reply to willowspirit)

Post #: 42

RE: Agressive Dom - 7/18/2007 11:22:43 AM

willowspirit

Posts: 164
Joined: 6/20/2005
From: U.S.A.-Minnesota
Status: offline

I really take offense even honoring people like this with the title "Dom"!
I Know Dominants, and he, my Dear, is NO Dominant!

Dominant does Not mean "domineering" or abusive.
Just like submissive does not mean stupid.

And yes, outsiders come here to troll and exploit people in this lifestyle. They hang around, copy and mimic the lingo, and set you up.
This happens to Doms here too...
Females or even con artists acting like females (or male submissives too) come onto sites like these to scam for money ... or "phone sex" or to sucker people to their "pay-to-view" webcams...

Just be careful, make friends, have safety set-ups in place.

From my love,
"willowspirit"

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelsub642

Hello to all,
i met a Dom the other day and he was really aggressive as far as trying to get me to cooporate with him in a playing and sexual sense. ........(Snippage)..., and this was actually the first Dom i've met since my Dom.So here's my question: Are some Doms like this only here for trolling and luring female submissives in a aggressive manner just to get laid? Or are there true Doms out there that will actually stop when being told to? ...(snip)

(in reply to angelsub642)

Post #: 43

RE: Agressive Dom - 7/18/2007 11:23:01 AM

vield

Posts: 354
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

An abusive person who does not respect your limits might be a couple bubbles off plumb between the ears, or the person may not know what they are doing, or they may not care what they are doing. None of that matters, you got the "red flags" and got away. Hopefully you learned more about your personal safety needs.
That is good.
You are sharing this trauma with others. That is even better. Maybe one other person will read this and be a bit more careful themself.
Not everyone gets away without injury from a situation like that, not everyone survives a situation like that.
Hopefully you are passing the word about that abuser person claiming to be dom to others in your community.

_____________________________

As always, your mileage may vary!

vield

(in reply to junecleaver)

Post #: 44

RE: Agressive Dom - 7/18/2007 11:36:08 AM

willowspirit

Posts: 164
Joined: 6/20/2005
From: U.S.A.-Minnesota
Status: offline

How have I gotten so far in life? And find people to trust?
It's a gamble. But like I said -- I KNOW myself and who I am and my weaknesses-- and I plan ahead.
I'm 50. I hid in a vanilla marriage to "protect" myself. That ended, and I had to pick-up where I left-off in Life. That was very hard. But luckily, this time I come into the world smarter and wiser.

The people I first learned to trust were the O/ones who have no way of benefitting from my friendship other than the friendship. My core of friends help me sort out the rest.

But -- hey ! I still believe MOST people are Good. My spirit stays open. I still trust. Life is Wonderful!
"willowspirit"
[editted for a spelling error]

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen68

quote:

ORIGINAL: willowspirit

Some of us submissives -- our wiring is so "abnormal" that we don't trust our -- or even have -- honest "gut" feelings. We are so trusting and wired to see all sides of everything and everyone that we just -- well -- need help to see the liars and the abusers.
Something, I've learned is that while I am apart and away from the influence of an "emitting" Dominant "voice" or presence is to use my head -- knowing my weaknesses -- and Plan for MY safety. I have to set things up so that I have no other choice but to be safe.

Being accountable to someone else I DO trust helps me. Having a "Safe-call" person expecting my phone call and updates on my plans. Giving that person the license plate number of the person's car. Having them know where I am and who i am with -- etc... etc...

wow..how have you gotten so far in life? And how do you pick the people to trust? What if they're scumbags too?

< Message edited by willowspirit -- 7/18/2007 11:38:24 AM >

(in reply to Aileen68)

Post #: 45

RE: Agressive Dom - 7/18/2007 11:36:45 AM

TheChastiser

Posts: 95
Joined: 10/16/2005
From: Hemel Hempstead
Status: offline

if it helps, the link below takes you to where you can read some of the suggested safety rules for meets etc. they are only suggestions, but may help towards avoiding a nasty situation.

http://www.fetbid.com/chastisersworld/chastisersworld/D_s_Lifestyle/d_s_lifestyle.html

Mike

_____________________________

Let Me unchain your mind and your sexuality will follow.

(in reply to angelsub642)

Post #: 46

RE: Agressive Dom - 7/18/2007 12:36:47 PM

Aileen68

Posts: 6091
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: willowspirit

How have I gotten so far in life? And find people to trust?
It's a gamble. But like I said -- I KNOW myself and who I am and my weaknesses-- and I plan ahead.
I'm 50. I hid in a vanilla marriage to "protect" myself. That ended, and I had to pick-up where I left-off in Life. That was very hard. But luckily, this time I come into the world smarter and wiser.

The people I first learned to trust were the O/ones who have no way of benefitting from my friendship other than the friendship. My core of friends help me sort out the rest.

But -- hey ! I still believe MOST people are Good. My spirit stays open. I still trust. Life is Wonderful!
"willowspirit"
[editted for a spelling error]

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen68

quote:

ORIGINAL: willowspirit

Some of us submissives -- our wiring is so "abnormal" that we don't trust our -- or even have -- honest "gut" feelings. We are so trusting and wired to see all sides of everything and everyone that we just -- well -- need help to see the liars and the abusers.
Something, I've learned is that while I am apart and away from the influence of an "emitting" Dominant "voice" or presence is to use my head -- knowing my weaknesses -- and Plan for MY safety. I have to set things up so that I have no other choice but to be safe.

Being accountable to someone else I DO trust helps me. Having a "Safe-call" person expecting my phone call and updates on my plans. Giving that person the license plate number of the person's car. Having them know where I am and who i am with -- etc... etc...

wow..how have you gotten so far in life? And how do you pick the people to trust? What if they're scumbags too?

That seems to take away a lot of personal responsibility in the choices that you make. To me, that increases your risks if you fall back on the "weak and helpless submissive" with abnormal wiring and no gut instincts. I don't mean to single you out because you seem sweet, but that comes across as being naive and a wanker's dream target.

(in reply to willowspirit)

Post #: 47

RE: Agressive Dom - 7/18/2007 12:53:46 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

Oh, another thing I meant to say: Am I the only person who thinks it's ludicrous that the OP is asking whether all doms are date rapists?

It's not like I'd say all women are two-timing cunts just because I had an ex-girlfriend who wandered off the reservation.

(in reply to angelsub642)

Post #: 48

RE: Agressive Dom - 7/18/2007 1:00:16 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

How have I gotten so far in life? And find people to trust? It's a gamble. But like I said -- I KNOW myself and who I am and my weaknesses-- and I plan ahead.

willow spirit,
I wondered the same thing about beth. her attitude and perspective was exactly the same as yours when we met. Hearing some of her stories and experiences I wondered how she survived. That considered not only the physical aspects of what she went through, but her spirit and willingness to trust also never waned.

her answer is disarming. she says if her experiences soured her to the possibility of trusting anyone how would we have met? Pragmatically I would agree with those who say you travel down a dangerous path. My life, and our relationship, is an example of pragmatism not always being path to success.

quote:

I'm 50. I hid in a vanilla marriage to "protect" myself. That ended, and I had to pick-up where I left-off in Life. That was very hard. But luckily, this time I come into the world smarter and wiser.

Good for you! The worse result from a painful learning experience is not to learn something. "Smarter and wiser" with a better knowledge of yourself is a great vantage point to move forward. At your young age - the best is still ahead.

quote:

The people I first learned to trust were the O/ones who have no way of benefiting from my friendship other than the friendship. My core of friends help me sort out the rest.

How great is it to not worry about someone validating your friendship by what they are getting out of it. Again - good for you, and a credit to them.

quote:

But -- hey ! I still believe MOST people are Good. My spirit stays open. I still trust.

This sounds so much like something beth would say its scary. I was going to reply with something clever or humorous, such as; "This sounds like beth - but I'm working on changing her!" The truth is, we've effected each other. she's tries to get me to give the "benefit of a doubt" and be less cynical. I never miss an opportunity to point out to her results and actions by people which seem to validate my skepticism and cynicism. Who knows who's tally is greater.

quote:

Life is Wonderful!

Yes it is indeed!

Good luck in your journey. I hope you find not only what you want but what you need.

(in reply to willowspirit)

Post #: 49

RE: Agressive Dom - 7/18/2007 1:45:13 PM

chellekitty

Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

Oh, another thing I meant to say: Am I the only person who thinks it's ludicrous that the OP is asking whether all doms are date rapists?

It's not like I'd say all women are two-timing cunts just because I had an ex-girlfriend who wandered off the reservation.

thanks, i was trying to find the words to say this since i read the OP...sex without consent is rape, bdsm without consent is abuse and/or assult, groping without consent is sexual harrassment, and continuing to do so after being told no is sexual assult...

i know we love to play at consensual non-consensuality, but that is what makes this lifestyle and the lack there of breaks it....

adios
that girl who got raped by the person she knew from the bar for months
also that girl who brought home a wonderful, but damaged guy from that same bar
and that same girl who doesn't go to bars anymore

chelle
House Infernus

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 50

RE: Agressive Dom - 7/18/2007 1:54:25 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

comes across as being naive and a wanker's dream target.

Also comes across as a target for someone who wants to "protect" her. You know, under the guise of helping her navigate the treacherous lifestyle.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Aileen68)

Post #: 51

RE: Agressive Dom - 7/18/2007 2:06:39 PM

trustingsub

Posts: 36
Joined: 7/17/2007
From: VA
Status: offline

personally, i would never meet a Dom i did not feel 100% comfortable with. there are way too many 'Doms' on here that are seeking a piece of ass, and they are not considered a Dom at all to me. true Doms will respect you and your submission... they will take the time to get to know you, your limits and your personality.

_____________________________

~You do not own me until i allow You to~

(in reply to angelsub642)

Post #: 52

RE: Agressive Dom - 7/18/2007 2:56:57 PM

willowspirit

Posts: 164
Joined: 6/20/2005
From: U.S.A.-Minnesota
Status: offline

        Personal responsibility -- Back to "angelsub642" 's question. That's what I hoped to teach thru my example. I feel the pain if I am hurt. I have to live with the consequences. That's exactly WHY I have to know myself and take measures to do what I need to do.

     If I had a vision impairment and couldn't see clearly, it is my responsibility to deal with it as best as I can. I happen to know that I have NOT got good gut instincts. I know I am "blinded" by my own gullibility. I know I am naive. I know I am a "wanker's dream target".

Yep. Aileen, You've got me pegged. There were many times, I wished I wasn't "me". I can't become someone else though.   My instincts are just screwy.
I know my weaknesses. But that makes me strong, -- not weak. Knowledge is strength!
And because of this, I am not helpless.

Thing is ---
I still love. I still trust. I'm still open and positive and full of all sorts of good and wonderful things.

I really, sincerely hope that angelsub picks up on this. This is angelsub's request for help and understanding -- not mine. But thank you. I can tell that you care.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen68

quote:

ORIGINAL: willowspirit

How have I gotten so far in life? And find people to trust?
It's a gamble. But like I said -- I KNOW myself and who I am and my weaknesses-- and I plan ahead.
I'm 50. I hid in a vanilla marriage to "protect" myself. That ended, and I had to pick-up where I left-off in Life. That was very hard. But luckily, this time I come into the world smarter and wiser.

The people I first learned to trust were the O/ones who have no way of benefitting from my friendship other than the friendship. My core of friends help me sort out the rest.

But -- hey ! I still believe MOST people are Good. My spirit stays open. I still trust. Life is Wonderful!
"willowspirit"

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen68

That seems to take away a lot of personal responsibility in the choices that you make. To me, that increases your risks if you fall back on the "weak and helpless submissive" with abnormal wiring and no gut instincts. I don't mean to single you out because you seem sweet, but that comes across as being naive and a wanker's dream target.

(in reply to Aileen68)

Post #: 53

RE: Agressive Dom - 7/18/2007 3:17:23 PM

willowspirit

Posts: 164
Joined: 6/20/2005
From: U.S.A.-Minnesota
Status: offline

Thank You. Mercnbeth for Your words!
Survival ?? maybe there are angels out there. I don't know.
I was kidnapped as a child and molested. I was raped a few years later. Like my name here, "willowspirit", I bent but was not broken.
There is a courage and a noble strength in some of us subbie-types that boggles the mind.

Cherish beth. I think i know what it feels like to be her. She may be the yang to Your Yin.
(i don't know which is fem. or masc.? Yin or Yang? Those of you who know, please excuse my mistake) -- "willowspirit"

(major snippage to save space and reading time)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

willow spirit,
I wondered the same thing about beth. her attitude and perspective was exactly the same as yours when we met. Hearing some of her stories and experiences I wondered how she survived. That considered not only the physical aspects of what she went through, but her spirit and willingness to trust also never waned.

her answer is disarming. she says if her experiences soured her to the possibility of trusting anyone how would we have met? Pragmatically I would agree with those who say you travel down a dangerous path. My life, and our relationship, is an example of pragmatism not always being path to success.

At your young age - the best is still ahead.

quote:

But -- hey ! I still believe MOST people are Good. My spirit stays open. I still trust.
This sounds so much like something beth would say its scary. I was going to reply with something clever or humorous, such as; "This sounds like beth - but I'm working on changing her!" The truth is, we've affected each other. she's tries to get me to give the "benefit of a doubt" and be less cynical. I never miss an opportunity to point out to her results and actions by people which seem to validate my skepticism and cynicism. Who knows who's tally is greater.

Good luck in your journey. I hope you find not only what you want but what you need.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 54

RE: Agressive Dom - 7/18/2007 4:17:50 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

You were darned lucky for someone who made some really bad choices. If he was already agressive on a coffee date it should have cue'd you that taking him home might not be a good idea. No, not all doms are like that guy. You just happened to choose a guy (doesn't matter if he says he is dom) who thought you might be an easy target. Then you asked him back home. I have to think that it seems like a mixed signal to me, to say no, no, don't do that.. then in the next breath say come to my place. Like Willowspirit says, know who you are and adapt it to your situation. Learn to develop some personal responsibility in the choices you make in the future.
Yeah some people might think this is harsh. But better you learn now, than a rape or two down the line. Don't be a target.
Kyst

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to willowspirit)

Post #: 55

RE: Agressive Dom - 7/18/2007 4:47:28 PM

zumala

Posts: 1121
Joined: 6/16/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen68

Just out of curiosity...how would a safecall had helped if he decided to not stop?

Depends on how well she uses it. The idea is to tell the dominant that she has a safe call in place. If she doesn't make the call, the cops are going to be looking for him. No, it doesn't prevent her from being raped or murdered if he wants to do it anyway. Safewords and "no" won't stop someone who doesn't care. It's just another measure of protection.

Here's what I've always wondered... If he knows you have to make a call or he'll get in trouble, why could he not just wait until after you've made your call to kill you? The only way I can think of to make the practice of a safety call work is if someone else calls you more than once. Then said dom doesn't know how many times you have to be able to answer the phone. Although that would have you running your play session on a strict schedule... but if it's a new relationship, I guess that's not that bad of a thing.

zuma -- pondering...

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 56

RE: Agressive Dom - 7/18/2007 5:23:26 PM

chellekitty

Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline

a friend of mine who i've lost touch with met a guy from the internet and on their second or third meeting went back to his place, had two safe calls not knowing what time they were, but after the second, he tied her up and beat her within an inch of her life and raped her, then let her go home before anyone could get worried about her...don't know if she went to the police or hospital first, but she tells this story to illustrate why you should go on gut instinct, something about him didn't feel right but he acted perfectly normal until after her second safe call that day, so she kept going...it didn't matter that this was not the first time they met, it didn't matter that she had not only one but two safe calls...it doesn't make you immune but it can give you a chance to possibly get some help...i am more of the have code words that mean, its all good and come get me the heck out of here and if you can't find me call the police, line of thinking...i don't know...maybe i have been watching too many CSIs and Without a Traces and Law and Orders cause i think that if you can get the police involved sooner rather than later, you have a chance at finding me alive...

(in reply to zumala)

Post #: 57

RE: Agressive Dom - 7/18/2007 7:24:27 PM

willowspirit

Posts: 164
Joined: 6/20/2005
From: U.S.A.-Minnesota
Status: offline

A "safe call" person's duties don't end until you are back home -- Alone --.
You have code words or code "behavior" set-up -- so that your safe-call person knows you aren't being forced to say something.

Example: if I was being forced (or monitored), my safety person and I worked out that I would fake stuttering 2 or 3 times during that phone call.
"Hi... Mich-ichael? This is Debra. I'm fi-fine. Okay? No really, everything's gra-great!"

Ya live, ya learn --- Ya learn, ya live.

(in reply to zumala)

Post #: 58

RE: Agressive Dom - 7/18/2007 7:38:57 PM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelsub642

Or are there true Doms out there that will actually stop when being told to?

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelsub642

Or are there *CENSORED* Doms out there that will actually stop when being told to?

This is an automatic feature we really need on this forum.

See how less abrasive the second one sounds?

< Message edited by MadRabbit -- 7/18/2007 7:43:48 PM >

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to angelsub642)

Post #: 59

RE: Agressive Dom - 7/18/2007 7:43:07 PM

arayofsunshine55

Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline

People are people. Some good. Some not so good. The titles, priest, teacher, dom, so not make them any better than the rest of the world. So your job is to figure out what type of guy you're dealing with. After some years my skills at sizing people up are pretty good. But it means that I do spend some time in person talking with someone. And getting a sense if his values and desires are actually in sync with my own. Not 'cause he says they are but because he demonstrates it.

quote:

Hello to all,
i met a Dom the other day and he was really aggressive as far as trying to get me to cooporate with him in a playing and sexual sense. i kept telling him no and pushing his hands away, no he did not oblige so i kicked him out. We met for coffee and back to my place, and yes i know this was a huge mistake on my part; even though he said over the phone that he will stop if i tell him to, well that went out the window. i know i should be more cautious, and this was actually the first Dom i've met since my Dom.So here's my question: Are some Doms like this only here for trolling and luring female submissives in a aggressive manner just to get laid? Or are there true Doms out there that will actually stop when being told to? And is there a way to tell for sure either online, in person, or on the phone that the other person will stop if being told?

_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

(in reply to angelsub642)

Post #: 60

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