Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether - 7/19/2007 7:00:35 PM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline 		This woman coming in from the US has, no doubt, already spent a considerable amount of money on airfare (unless he paid it) and probably would not get it back if she cancelled. This was prearranged before you decided he was The Dom and Only. I understand your hurt feelings although I don't agree with them. One date does not a commitment make.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to NefertariReborn)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether - 7/19/2007 7:10:05 PM   
Bella1965


Posts: 285
Joined: 12/12/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline 		G'evening all:


To the OP. This "play date" is prearranged, possibly during the interim of time when you weren't in communication with the dom in question. You aren't collared or committed. You're in a casual, get-to-know you stage. Despite how cold this may sound, I'm not trying to goad you here. You don't have any right to place your expectations upon him.

He's sticking to a prior agreement. I find that honorable. Instead of you finding out in some round about fashion, he was forthright. This is commendable. The only time you have a right to know the depth of this meeting is if you become sexually involved with this dom. Then you need to know his sexual history and practices. Of course, you can always say you're not amenable to this situation and move on with your life.


Stay safe, play nice, & share your toys w/ others...





Bella

_____________________________

Life shouldn't be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly shouting..."Wow! What a ride!

(in reply to utterlybutterfli)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether - 7/19/2007 7:15:16 PM   
utterlybutterfli


Posts: 49
Joined: 6/16/2006
Status: offline 		Ahhhh,
Tough love,

I'm afraid to admit, that I don't disagree with any of you really. I can recognise that its my problem, not his, not hers.
I guess that really I'm not used to suffering sexual jealousy - and had the arrogance to expect I wouldn't be suffering here. I don't know what bit of me percived that  I had any right to expect him to give up this date - i suppose ego has a great deal to do with it
I know that it isn't matter of locality for me ceratinly, that makes me think that we would make a good fit - I've had perfectly reasonable ldr relationships - this is not a lazy choice for me. Its just frustrating I guess, to consider bulding a relationship with a man when one suspects his mind, at least some of time might be with someone else.

I really do definitely need to be clearer that I am only interested in monogamous relationships, and \I guess, although I've made a mistake this time, that it might teach me a few lessons regarding men I meet in the future.
Did I want a moan about this and some sympathy -  well, yeah. Thank goodness I didn't necessarily expect it eh?

Thanks for all your responses, I'm sure Dom in question, should he read this, be very intereted in your points of view too


(in reply to slaveish)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether - 7/19/2007 7:19:30 PM   
Wildfleurs


Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: utterlybutterfli

I'm hurting tonight, although a bit of me feels I have no right to , its there.(yep, another poor me post, lucky you). I'm sure you'll  have no problem telling me where i am going wrong!

I met a Dom, a few months ago. Looking back, I'm wasn't in a state of mind to get into another D/s relationship. We went on a date, we stayed in contact through msn for a while.. the  uusal things you can imagine happen, flirting, intimate talk.. but life fell rather heavily on top of me and in his words, we stopped talking in pretty frosty tone.

I spent the spring not very well ( not his fault and he never knew, we both acknowledge) but I had had him on my mind and eventually i plucked up the courage to see if he wanted a drink. We made a date - over the past few nights the flirting reassumed, he called me 'lil' one' a  lot, which I quite like, he encouarged me to discuss a fantasy with him.. we spent a lot of time together online and, I know online things mean nothing but..
Anyway, I invited him for a coffee today, he lives local , and we both seemed to be looking forward to our date on staurday where we would, in his words, talk about things of a 'more adult nature'.
Anyway foolish me had a good time today , and we continued to chat into the evening. I was on the verge of inviting him round when he told me he had 'something to tell me' and this something was, that he had a 'friend' who lived in another country, with whom he had arranged a play date when she visited the UK. Now he told me this, in the spirit of being an honest upstanding Dom who doesn't fuck around, but when it became clear to us, that no matter whether I wanted to get to know him in being his potential sub, that I would have to be happy about this prearranged play date (I guess we all know what we mean here, right?).

I asked if it was just a playdate with a friend, surely she would understand. But he says he will not go back on his word with a friend. I told him that I did not want to get to know a Dom with a view to a relationship if he was going to be going and playing with aniother woman. Further investigation reveals that, although I live round the block (in england) this is a US woman, who cannot move here due to a work contract although, things might be rather different if she could.

I really like this Dom. But now he says, in my refusal to accept that hes going to go and be with this woman and that I still want to see him, that I'm dictating to him what he may and may not do, This is not the case - I'm simply trying to get him to see he has asked me to make a rather unpalateble choice and that if it truly only was a play date, if he liked me as much as he says, why couldn't he give this date up? ( I know the answer to that btw, that neither of them are really viewing this as a "play date").

So, Are we really to believe that when a prospective Dom is just being honest with us that thatis it true intention, or is it more of a case of, swallow this, bitch? Am I being completely unreasonable? He says he can see my point of view, but then, suddenly he doesn't. I am left rather sad at this missed opportunity to be with an otherwise lovely man. I know that if I was reading this, I would say well, hes clearly made his choice, but there is something inside of me that wonders why this has to be so

Thanks for reading!




edited for spelling, which I'm sure is just as bad



It sounds like incompatibility to me.

I guess if you are expecting monogamy from the first date, then you may both have different expectations of when monogamy sets in.  I mean I can see it from his perspective, you talk to a sub who kinda flakes out and drops off the planet for a few months.  Go on a good date with the sub, but who knows if she'll flake out again.... and on the other hand I have a sure thing for at least some play and fun.  I don't blame him for not cancelling the play date.

C~


_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to utterlybutterfli)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether - 7/19/2007 7:30:58 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		You're not in a relationship. You haven't agreed to be monogamous. This play date was most likely arranged before you decided that he's someone you're interested in.

I think it's fantastic that he's sticking to his word and find it pretty crappy that you would ask him not to. Not to mention, I think it's pretty crappy to do that to the other woman that has spent the time and money to come for a visit. How would you feel to travel 3000 miles and then get told that it's been cancelled?

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Wildfleurs)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether - 7/19/2007 7:34:54 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: utterlybutterfli


I really do definitely need to be clearer that I am only interested in monogamous relationships, and \I guess, although I've made a mistake this time, that it might teach me a few lessons regarding men I meet in the future.
Did I want a moan about this and some sympathy -  well, yeah. Thank goodness I didn't necessarily expect it eh?



Awesome that you can see the other side of the issue. Just remember that when you are looking for monogamy, it does have a starting point and that usually isn't at the first date. A dom, or sub!, is free to date around until a commitment is decided on.

Good luck in the future, I'm sure that you will be able to find someone you are compatible with!

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to utterlybutterfli)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether - 7/19/2007 7:35:13 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		You let your emotions get ahead of your reality....Tempting

_____________________________

I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether - 7/19/2007 7:38:47 PM   
utterlybutterfli


Posts: 49
Joined: 6/16/2006
Status: offline 		Fast reply to Oside Girl
Um, actually, not that this matters now that I have conceded you're all quite right. But apparently she isn't coming to see him, shes coming to visit friends.He's just an incidental. Apparently.
And, really, do you think from my original post that what some submissive woman I wasn't particularly keen on this man seeing (and by the way, I don't actually think having feelings of jealousy makes me a bad or wrong person,), that I really care about the cost of this woman's flight? I really don't!

thank you!



(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether - 7/19/2007 7:46:51 PM   
angelic


Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: utterlybutterfli

No, I see your point!
His word and his honour to her to spank her ass? Maybe you could consider a female who is looking for a playdate to whom you have said you will go and spank (or whatver.), she comes and tells you that she is seeing someone? Do you wish to hold her to her word that badly?


i have not read the whole thread, but in answering this question.  Yes.  Although i would probably feel very much like you do, i would not ask him to go back on his word.  If he did to her, what's to say he won't do it to you?  How secure would that make you feel?

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci


(in reply to utterlybutterfli)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether - 7/19/2007 8:00:07 PM   
angelic


Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline 		i do feel badly for your situation.  However, i think someone else commented on the fact that you sort of disappeared on him.  Was he just supposed to be waiting for you, when you finally decided to reappear?  Cut him some slack, deal with it or move on.  There really are no other choices to be made.  (imo).

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci


(in reply to utterlybutterfli)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether - 7/19/2007 8:34:12 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		He demands that you be happy about him having sex with other women even though you are monogamous.

He has every right to be poly. You have every right to be monogamous. You aren't compatible.

Now if he calls you up in six months and declares that he's sown all the wild oats he needs to, and is ready to settle down with you, then you reconsider being with him. In the meantime, wish him good luck in his long distance relationship and go meet other men.

(in reply to NefertariReborn)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether - 7/20/2007 7:33:27 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43


He has every right to be poly.
I don't think this situation necessarily means he's poly. He's a single guy who made a date and then started meeting the OP for coffee and things started clicking. He was honest and told her about it (point in his favor). She asked him to cancel that date (demerit in her favor) and he refused because he had given his date his word. (point in his favor).

For all we know, he could be the most monogamous person in the word. It's not like he was moving this woman to the UK to be his submissive. It was just a play date.

So, really....she's got a guy that was honest and will stand by what he commits to. But, she's willing to walk away because he made a date before they were together, that he won't cancel.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether - 7/20/2007 7:52:04 AM   
imthatacheyouhav


Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline 		i personally would be VERY leary of a man who was this flipant about Your feelings this early on...i also would consider this a deal breaker....just my take on it.

_____________________________

*if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything*
**collared July 22 2007 by LordKen**

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether - 7/20/2007 7:58:26 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav
i personally would be VERY leary of a man who was this flipant about Your feelings this early on...i also would consider this a deal breaker....just my take on it.

Exactly how are you getting the impression that HE is being flippant to HER?

If anything, she was the one who flaked out for months and then showed up and then said "I don't care what you made plans for, I want you to cancel"

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to imthatacheyouhav)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether - 7/20/2007 8:19:35 AM   
imthatacheyouhav


Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav
i personally would be VERY leary of a man who was this flipant about Your feelings this early on...i also would consider this a deal breaker....just my take on it.

Exactly how are you getting the impression that HE is being flippant to HER?

If anything, she was the one who flaked out for months and then showed up and then said "I don't care what you made plans for, I want you to cancel"

LA...that is just my opinion hun...you are free to disagree if you want....


_____________________________

*if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything*
**collared July 22 2007 by LordKen**

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether - 7/20/2007 8:20:01 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		I think you are overeacting just a bit.  When i met my Master i was seeing other Dom's too and i was up front about that.  Even after we met and i decided i wanted to be his i had one more date i had to keep (nothing was gonna happen) but i gave my word and i had to keep it.  He was ok with it.

Now for your situation if it is a one time thing i think you should not worry about it after all she lives in the USA.  Would you want a man who would not keep his word once given?  I understand that this is upsetting to you, but he did make this playdate before you 2 were dating.  Like LaM said either deal with this and see him or don't deal with it and don't see him.   It is really that simple.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to NefertariReborn)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether - 7/20/2007 8:44:08 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav
LA...that is just my opinion hun...you are free to disagree if you want....

Trust me, I'm well aware of that.  I asked what it was that gave YOU the impression that you did which led yo to the opinion you formed.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to imthatacheyouhav)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether - 7/20/2007 8:51:51 AM   
imthatacheyouhav


Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline 		Based on what the OP said ..his response seemed flipant to me...thats really all i have...its just how it struck me....

_____________________________

*if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything*
**collared July 22 2007 by LordKen**

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether - 7/20/2007 11:28:24 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I must say that there are times when women just confuse and frustrate the hell out of me. This would be one of those times.

I don't know, maybe I think more like most men. Two dates does not a relationship make! Regardless of what type of situation this is BDSM or vanilla, I would only be impressed with this guy's honesty! Alot of men would not even think it was important enough to say anything about the other woman. It doesn't sound like he would have a reason to. There is no relationship, just a couple of dates.

I am sitting here putting myself in this guy's shoes, in this situation, and I would probably run from the woman that was trying to monopolize my attentions at this point in a relationship. No wonder some guys are commitment phobic.

Personally I say, reeeelaaaaaaaaax. Play it cool. Let him know you are interested, but support and respect his honesty. Don't start writing your intials in little hearts or handcuffs (as the case may be). Just let it evolve and grow. You may decide he isn't the guy for you and/or visa versa. One thing is for certain, it is wayyyyy too soon to think you have any input in who he sees or when..........if ever.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to imthatacheyouhav)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether - 7/20/2007 11:30:02 AM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		I'm wondering if, in medical books, when they show the points of reflex, are ears (and eyes) connected to knees?

juliet

(in reply to imthatacheyouhav)
Profile   Post #: 40
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: when honest is a term for something else altogether Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.096