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insult ... or compliment - 7/21/2007 2:46:03 PM

softness

Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline

recently I have been chatting away to a Dom I found through CM, he contacted me several months ago while I was not available and I got back in touch when I decided to starting looking again.

We have chatted a lot about our like and dislikes, about our relationship history and our relationship expectations. I had noticed things, which though would make many girls very happy indeed in a Dominant, caused me some doubts but nothing that would stop me from meeting him. Things like the way he would refer to the female body as meat, that in some conversations I was only referred to in the third person, occassionally even as "it". Now these things have all been part of my service before, I do not shy from them, but there was a degree of uneasiness caused by them coming from someone I hardly knew.

When we brought up a meeting ... aside from all the usual safety measures .. I put forward that after the initial "coffee date" I would like to meet at my house, that I could cook dinner and we could spend the evening peacefully together. This is exactly what I would suggest for a second vanilla date - for one reason and another I feel much more comfortable on home ground. I also like to see how a potential partner is with me when play is out of the question - can we maintain an conversation, can we banter and chat and feel comfortable just being with eachother.

His reaction to this was that I was giving him an open invitation for sex and play. He began to lay out my rules for the evening, and my protocols, and exactly how and what he was going to expect of my body. I calmly, and in the lightest way possible, asserted that we would not be engaging in anything along those lines for quite some time. I was met with derision, he thought I was mocking him, that it ws a joke to expect him to come to my house but not "use the meat". That he would be unable to resist it.

My response was that if a man could not show the self restraint required to keep his pants on for a second date then how was i expected to trust him with the self restraint to play with me responsibly.

So two questions ...
Now was it a compliment to me that he wouldn't be able to resist me... or an insult to my intelligence?
Was I unfair to effectively "test" his treatment of me when he knew there would be no sex or service?

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio

Post #: 1

RE: insult ... or compliment - 7/21/2007 2:52:51 PM

pinioned14Me

Posts: 50
Joined: 1/22/2006
Status: offline

His remarks and attitude reflect little in the way of respect or self control. I would offer that it was neither a compliment or an insult, merely a reflection of his character and manners.

As to whether or not you "unfairly tested" him...the answer is no. Every conversation is in effect a test of compatibility, intellect and appeal. Stay safe ...I hope you find what you're looking for.

M.

(in reply to softness)

Post #: 2

RE: insult ... or compliment - 7/21/2007 2:57:52 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: softness

Now was it a compliment to me that he wouldn't be able to resist me... or an insult to my intelligence?

Neither. It just shows his character, or lack thereof. While I certainly don't mind sex in the early in the relationship (very early in the relationship), I'm still not interested in a man who simply can't keep it in his pants. Sounds like he wasn't interested in you at all but in getting laid.

quote:

Was I unfair to effectively "test" his treatment of me when he knew there would be no sex or service?

Absolutely not. Becoming part of a d/s relationship is a big deal and you want to find someone who treats you well and who you will work with. I would view this as less of test and more of a "let's see how we work together" thing.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to softness)

Post #: 3

RE: insult ... or compliment - 7/21/2007 3:03:29 PM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
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It's neither a compliment nor an insult. He's merely looking for meat to use and he thought he found some.

As far as testing, hey, it's the internet. You can never be too careful at the beginning.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 4

RE: insult ... or compliment - 7/21/2007 3:13:12 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Aquaticsub beat Me to it. I absolutely think this is a reflection of the other person's character than in any way is reflective of you. It has much more to do with poor taste. If that is a person's style of dominance, that is fine, but it doesn't mean it's appealing or even desired by everyone.

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 5

RE: insult ... or compliment - 7/21/2007 3:14:35 PM

tag8833

Posts: 67
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline

quote:

I put forward that after the initial "coffee date" I would like to meet at my house, that I could cook dinner and we could spend the evening peacefully together. This is exactly what I would suggest for a second vanilla date

If I recieved an invitation like that I would likely assume that you are inviting me for sex and play. I would not suggest using your private residense as the location for a second date unless you were first clear on the activities to take place, and even then I think it is a poor idea if sex and play are off the table. Go see a play. Visit a museum. How about the local zoo. Fine dining at a restraunt. If you want to prepare the food, then make it a picknick.

I also consider it an unfair test because you intentionally or not implied that you were open to something you are not. If I recieved such an offer, I would feel conflicted refusing it for risk of insulting you.

Finally, at the first time any misqueue exists, you should take the time to outline what you expect from a relationship. It is too easy to put a roadblock up in a promising relationship just because you weren't willing or able to effectively communicate.

(in reply to pinioned14Me)

Post #: 6

RE: insult ... or compliment - 7/21/2007 3:30:41 PM

softness

Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tag8833
If I recieved an invitation like that I would likely assume that you are inviting me for sex and play. I would not suggest using your private residense as the location for a second date unless you were first clear on the activities to take place, and even then I think it is a poor idea if sex and play are off the table. Go see a play. Visit a museum. How about the local zoo. Fine dining at a restraunt. If you want to prepare the food, then make it a picknick.

I also consider it an unfair test because you intentionally or not implied that you were open to something you are not. If I recieved such an offer, I would feel conflicted refusing it for risk of insulting you.

Finally, at the first time any misqueue exists, you should take the time to outline what you expect from a relationship. It is too easy to put a roadblock up in a promising relationship just because you weren't willing or able to effectively communicate.

With all honesty i did not imply that anything would happen, in fact in all the conversations we shared i consistently made the point clear that there would be no sex or play of anykind whatsoever for quite some time.

I pride myself on being an excellent communicator, to the extent that i make a living about teaching other people about verbal and written communication. I understand the implied and literal meaning behind words shared better than most. I am both willing and able to communicate effectively, though i caanot vouch for anybody else.

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio

(in reply to tag8833)

Post #: 7

RE: insult ... or compliment - 7/21/2007 3:33:59 PM

Dane

Posts: 25
Joined: 5/12/2007
Status: offline

I wouldn't feel very safe at being called "meat" and especially "irresistible meat that a man can't control himself from using" on a second date. I'd feel decidedly UNsafe. If he can't control that, what else will he turn out not to be able to control? I think whether it's fair or not is a moot point. The essence of dominance is self-control. This guy sounds like he thinks the essence of dominance is getting his rocks off. I'd be scared to meet him.

(in reply to tag8833)

Post #: 8

RE: insult ... or compliment - 7/21/2007 3:35:07 PM

Dane

Posts: 25
Joined: 5/12/2007
Status: offline

sorry my Master's profile Dane was logged in when I posted *giggles*... it's the slave half who posted. Sorry!

(in reply to Dane)

Post #: 9

RE: insult ... or compliment - 7/21/2007 3:38:22 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

I am sure lots of guys would see that invite back to your place as an invitation. It would't be a test I would make, but it also wouldn't be an option if I thought their little minds were going to head that direction. I have to be very comfortable with the guy as a person before I allow him into my space. Having someone who only knew me slightly refer to me as meat before we even got around to making a meal would put him on the keep at a distance for a bit, list.
I don't see what you did as an unfair test. But it did show you clearly what he expects from you early on. And there is nothing wrong with being aware.
Kyst

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to tag8833)

Post #: 10

RE: insult ... or compliment - 7/21/2007 3:43:36 PM

softness

Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dane

I wouldn't feel very safe at being called "meat" and especially "irresistible meat that a man can't control himself from using" on a second date. I'd feel decidedly UNsafe. If he can't control that, what else will he turn out not to be able to control? I think whether it's fair or not is a moot point. The essence of dominance is self-control. This guy sounds like he thinks the essence of dominance is getting his rocks off. I'd be scared to meet him.

thank you for your gut reaction .. oddly i wasn't frightened by him, for me i lost all the budding respect i was having for him ... i was instantly put in mind of a leg humping dog .. and now when we talk i cannot get that image out my head (eeks)

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio

(in reply to Dane)

Post #: 11

RE: insult ... or compliment - 7/21/2007 3:48:21 PM

Masternslave07

Posts: 203
Joined: 12/29/2006
Status: offline

Is it a compliment to you that he is trying to control you before you have even met? It is a compliment to you that he makes fun of your expectations?

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You can lead a horse to water, but not a cow.

(in reply to softness)

Post #: 12

RE: insult ... or compliment - 7/21/2007 3:49:12 PM

Conqueror3725

Posts: 1
Joined: 2/1/2007
Status: offline

He essentially has his view of the d-s relationship, and chooses to remain willfully ignorant of your desires.

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 13

RE: insult ... or compliment - 7/21/2007 3:59:25 PM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline

softness,

the whole event was a blessing in that it allows you to learn early on without a huge investment of time, what his core values were!

CP

(in reply to softness)

Post #: 14

RE: insult ... or compliment - 7/21/2007 4:02:52 PM

Aine

Posts: 820
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline

He's just some jerk who can't keep his peepee in his pants.

Simple.

Reflects nothing on you and all on him.

_____________________________

Honey, you obviously missed the "want to be used as a toilet fetish" thread or "where do I get instructions on setting my sub on fire" thread. LOL

Thank you, DelRay for that one.

(in reply to Dane)

Post #: 15

RE: insult ... or compliment - 7/21/2007 4:12:21 PM

callofzion

Posts: 33
Joined: 12/20/2006
Status: offline

"Use the meat"????????? You haven't even met yet and he already views you as nothing more than something to use. No, it's not a compliment. It's a big fuck off red flag to pay attention to before you end up sliced and diced in a freezer somewhere.

If you were scening online and he said it, no problem, if there was some understanding of one another, no problem. But given that you haven't met, and judging by your comments, you don't even particularly enjoy his use of the term at the moment, (not to mention the other things he says which also reaffirm his fantasy regardless of yours), he seems to be a self centered, scary motherfucker.

Use and degredation are all well and good, but do you really want to be involved with someone who is solely using you and degarading you? Most at least require a modicum of respect, or caring, or decency or something before they go gadding about this way. He doesn't sound like a Dom, he sounds like an asshole, and the two are very often confused.

(in reply to softness)

Post #: 16

RE: insult ... or compliment - 7/21/2007 4:26:30 PM

Jacobthm

Posts: 237
Joined: 7/9/2007
Status: offline

Well, I was gonna go off on a rant about nitwitts being unable to use both heads at the same time. Unfortunatelly the posters above me stole all my thunder.

In case it needs to be reiterated;
The "dom" really had no idea of how to succesfully establish communication or to understand that a sub is NOT his sub until it is agreed upon.
Cripes, people like this give us all a bad name.

(in reply to callofzion)

Post #: 17

RE: insult ... or compliment - 7/21/2007 4:41:24 PM

SeeksOnlyOne

Posts: 2012
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

geez now i gotta worry dinner invite means sex.....i love having someone to my house for the 2nd date.....my home says a lot about my personality, and i am more relaxed and comfy here than anywhere else..,...

and to the op....id smile and remember the compliment part and forget the moronic part.......and i wouldnt see him again-lol

_____________________________

it aint no good til it hurts just a little bit....jimmy somerville

in those moments of solitude, does everyone sometimes think they are insane? or is it just me?

(in reply to Jacobthm)

Post #: 18

RE: insult ... or compliment - 7/21/2007 5:00:51 PM

chellekitty

Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline

silly women, didn't you know that being in the vicinity of a bed with a man means you want to have sex with them...watch out for the bedding department in JC Pennys if you go to the mall....

(in reply to SeeksOnlyOne)

Post #: 19

RE: insult ... or compliment - 7/21/2007 5:26:42 PM

dovie

Posts: 1211
Status: offline

~run softness run...~

dovie

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"Sometimes love is a nice long lick!"

gentle dove with 38's *the kind you shoot with*

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Post #: 20

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