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Rebuilding Trust. - 7/23/2007 6:13:48 PM

LacyD

Posts: 8
Joined: 7/3/2006
Status: offline

Hi I don't post here often. lol! This is my very first post!

I have been a collard slave to my Master for over a year. He has always been a busy man. He works for the evil empire as a software developer, he is divorced... has kids. I am divorced and have kids work two jobs.

We have not integrated our families but have met each-others children and had planned to do so soon.

Last week I got an email from a woman telling me that she has been my Masters sub for over two years.(so before he even met me) and she thought I should know about her.

I confronted him. he didn't even flinch and said yes she was but he had told her he couldn't play anymore the week before because he only wanted me.(that is why she contacted me. She told me she wants him back.) He said he didn't love her, she was not nor never was his slave, and she was not collared nor ever was.(I chatted with her briefly and she agreed to all but the I Love you part she said he told her he loved her.) He denys it though says he always said affectionate things to her.

He told me it was selfish of him to not tell me about her, but that they played only when I was not available as a release and that even then it was not often. He said he had planed on ending it when he met me but it just took him awhile. (He is horrid at ending any type of relationship, one of his weaknesses, and I have seen the affects in other non play relationships of his life.)

We play with other couples and woman, so I am not sure how I should take this. He did collar me and not her.

I am ANGRY and HURT he didn't tell me. But he has been putting such an effort in, to secure/sooth me... apologizing, remorse, guilt etc. I am seriously wanting to give him a second chance. but part of me feels foolish to do so.

Can trust in a M/s relationship be rebuilt after something like this? Our relationship has been built solely on trust. Now I am constantly thinking he is off with some other sub when I have my kids...

Any help would be appreciated.
Lacy.

PS. I asked if I could take my collar off until I decided what I wanted to do with this situation. He was not happy... but it is off and I have it in my pocket wherever I go..

PSS... I know all the don't trust someone when trust has been broken stuff... but I am forgiving and trusting by nature... some of my best friendships are so becuase I forgave stupid things they did. accepted them for who they are instead of judging them. It is just our relationship is so diffrent than a vanilla friendship.

Post #: 1

RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 7/23/2007 6:45:02 PM

ProlificNeeds

Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline

I can sympathize with the difficulty of such a choice.

Ask yourself this. If you trust him again, and assume that he does pull something similar again, are you prepared to face it? Are you willing to endure the hurt you will suffer, to take another stab at it? If you're willing to, if he's worth it, then build a few safety nets, but go for it. Sometimes it's worth it to take risks and long shots.
Also consider, if you do stick with him, you will potentially never 'get back' exactly what you had before if you can't get over the reservations you might feel. I think it's worth a lot of thought and discussion, risks versus gains.

(in reply to LacyD)

Post #: 2

RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 7/23/2007 7:08:06 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Since you're a mom I'll go this route- do you want to teach your kids that it's a good idea to be with a man who must lie to a woman he claims to own and have another woman on the side because he's just so darn insatiable?

The good news is- you don't have to decide tomorrow. You will need to take likely weeks to discuss this out and likely much longer than that to really feel a strong connection again.

The good news is- if he sincerely really does want to be with you, and sincerely is done with anyone but you, then that's no problem. Though you can't use it as a weapon against him.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to ProlificNeeds)

Post #: 3

RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 7/23/2007 7:24:42 PM

slaveish

Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline

How did she get your e-mail address?

It is irksome that this woman would want to cause trouble for him and for you when the relationship between them is over, although I would still be pretty pissed off if I were in your shoes.

Ask him to meet with the both of you at once (or at least have a three-way phone call) so you can get it all out in the open, especially this "love" issue. If lying is his pattern ("I never told her I loved her") regardless of his difficulty with ending relationships (a cop out if I ever saw one) then you will have something more to consider.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 4

RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 7/23/2007 7:49:10 PM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Since you're a mom I'll go this route- do you want to teach your kids that it's a good idea to be with a man who must lie to a woman he claims to own and have another woman on the side because he's just so darn insatiable?

The good news is- you don't have to decide tomorrow. You will need to take likely weeks to discuss this out and likely much longer than that to really feel a strong connection again.

The good news is- if he sincerely really does want to be with you, and sincerely is done with anyone but you, then that's no problem. Though you can't use it as a weapon against him.

I tend to give myself the same advice I would give anyone I cared about.
What would you tell your UM to do?
Would you like to see your UM involved with a man like this 20 years from now?

Is this a man that you think you will be able to trust in the future and build a life with?
Is this a man that you can proudly call your Master?

< Message edited by MzMia -- 7/23/2007 7:57:29 PM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 5

RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 7/23/2007 7:49:10 PM

LacyD

Posts: 8
Joined: 7/3/2006
Status: offline

Thank you for your replies.

I know I don't have to make a decision right this second. In-fact I need some time to let things settle and breathe.

we do have a lot of talking to do... and until we do that I have no clue if this will work, but I am leaning toward trying.

She found my email because I post on his blog... she followed my profile to my blog and then to my authors web site which has my email addy. I write Erotic Romance. www.LacyDanes.com
If you are interested.

I guess the hardest part because I am forgiving and open and honest and, well, I will add Naive to the list here because of this event. I don't know how to really tell if he is being sincere.

the three way talk would have worked but both him and I blocked her. Now she simply posts to my blog. Can't block anonymous because readers use that to post too. I have been nice to her in any replies on my blog.

I simply just don't know what I should do ... Our roles have been SOOOO reversed. I HATE being in control and this has put me there... but with good reason. I need to decide.

Hugs,
Lacy.

(in reply to slaveish)

Post #: 6

RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 7/23/2007 7:52:53 PM

RedheadGirlNY

Posts: 59
Joined: 10/23/2005
Status: offline

Let me try devil's advocate here for a moment.

Your profile says you are looking for couples/playpartners, with his permission. It also says "I am only interested in serious D/s play." So, he holds primary power and control and a secondary upper-case sort will follow his rules? I don't know many men of the dominant ilk who would find this to be an acceptable arrangement.

But that's just my experience.

If you're actively looking for (for lack of a better word or phrase) "fill ins," have accepted a collar from this person and are considering integrating your joint UMs, and another submissive pops up, I'd take a step back.

Where there's smoke, there's fire. Having been in your shoes, once the first "on the side, I don't love her" sub came out of the woodwork, she was followed by several more. Once burned, twice shy.

It sounds like you (both of you) haven't done due diligence. In my experience, if he's ok with you seeking out others to "play" with, it's because at some level, it assuages his guilt for doing exactly the same thing.

Is this what you want to model for your UMs? (Echoing LA's commentary)

Red

_____________________________

Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.

(in reply to slaveish)

Post #: 7

RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 7/23/2007 8:23:43 PM

LacyD

Posts: 8
Joined: 7/3/2006
Status: offline

Thanks Red,
Actually I have not been on this profile for a while. We were looking for couples to play with together and possibly for me when he was busy. That was HIS idea, because I kept asking for more of his time. As I said he is a BUSY guy.

It never actually happened that way... all of my play has been with him present and in control.

I understand about the role model for the kids. I agree... it is something to seriously mull over.

Lacy.

(in reply to RedheadGirlNY)

Post #: 8

RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 7/23/2007 10:49:30 PM

BossyShoeBitch

Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline

I have a question..Were the two of you fluid bonded? Were the two of them fluid bonded?

_____________________________

A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

(in reply to LacyD)

Post #: 9

RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 7/23/2007 11:44:16 PM

LadyHeart

Posts: 561
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

Some questions for you:

1. If this was not a D/s situation, would it change your view of it?

2. There are two kinds of untruthfulness, direct lies, and lies by ommission. He was untruthful in that he withheld information. Let's take an extreme example. Let's say he has HIV. You never ask him directly if he has it, so he never tells you. Is it a lie?

The answers to those questions might help you get your head around what to do, given the heading of your post, and given the fact that people's behaviour is always congruent...

:))
LH

< Message edited by LadyHeart -- 7/23/2007 11:45:23 PM >

_____________________________

"BDSM is not an excuse for bad manners."

(in reply to BossyShoeBitch)

Post #: 10

RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 7/24/2007 3:25:17 AM

sleazybutterfly

Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline

I am in the process of rebuilding a friendship that was torn apart almost two years ago. It is still taking time and I still don't trust her totally, probably never will. Those things if they mean enough can be mended, but it's much harder to forget.

Now someone that you are involved with on a deeper level (relationship), to me that's a different story. I was done this same way in real life, though it was vanilla. He was upfront (or so I thought), when it turns out that was even a lie in the end. It's a matter of what you think you are worth, and what you will put up with. For him to be playing when you aren't available, yet you saying that he hardly had time for you (being so busy), that seems a bit strange. It seems odd that he had time to go and play with someone else, yet he was too busy to play when you needed it from him. That would be a flag for me that there is more going on here than he is letting on.

Yes, he made a mistake. Yes, we all make mistakes. A bigger yes for me is that it will take a very, very long time to build up the trust you once had, if ever. You might tell yourself you are over it, then one day he won't call, or he will not be available, then you will wonder where he is, or who he is with. All of those feelings will come back again and you won't be any better off.

If you are the type of person that can just let it go, trust again, and never bring it up to him (even in a fight), then you might just be able to make it. If you aren't, it might be best to let go and move on with dignity. It's all in how you want to live, or how you choose to exist.

TBella

_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

(in reply to LadyHeart)

Post #: 11

RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 7/24/2007 7:06:44 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

it's easier to get my forgiveness than regaining my trust since trust like my heart is very precious to me and i don't appreciate it when someone i care about breaks either or both.
given your situation, i would go slowly until that trust you once had with your master is back ...i wouldn't even rush to wear to his collar until you're comfortable and ready to wear it again.

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...

...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to LacyD)

Post #: 12

RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 7/24/2007 7:10:14 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Trust can always be rebuilt, the real question is should it?

My default tends to be "save the relationships" but that assumes again there is something worth saving.

Bottom line the guy is one of two patterns. He is new and doesn't know what he is doing and really does love you. He may not know how to be open and honest and may not trust you to react well. SO, LISTEN UP. Don't get mad at him for being with another, get irritated that he wasn't open and honest about it. Make a start on your new relationship right now by making it clear when and how you want to be told about other partners. Give him a chance to come clean, tell him to list everyone he is doing, even one night stands over the period you were with him. Handle that well and his cheating could very well subside and disappear. Voila, better man, better relationship and trust returns.

OR

The guys is a lying cheating asshole and you are better off without him.

(in reply to sleazybutterfly)

Post #: 13

RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 7/24/2007 7:50:58 AM

GhitaAmati

Posts: 3263
Joined: 5/30/2007
Status: offline

Once again I agree with Michael....silly huh?

Some of the main things you need to think about it, do I want to make this work? Is it worth it? What effect is this going to have on the UMs?

I think most everyone on this site knows my veiws on sex and D/s play....the more the merrier. Sir and I both have others we have sex with, and we have alot of others we play with, most of whom I greet with at least a quick peck on the lips and am somewhat affectionate with. Do I love them? In the sense that I do care about them and their wellbeing yes, but am I "in love" with them, no, only with Sir and He only with me. BUT, were I ever to find out he did any of those things with someone I didnt know about, Id be one extreamly pissed sub who'd be asking to take her collar off right then and there. To me, the issue here isnt sex or play, its a breach of trust. I think you are going to need to do some serious digging, both into your own heart and mind, and into his also.

ghita~

PS: Michael, I agree, you have been getting rather sappy lately

< Message edited by GhitaAmati -- 7/24/2007 7:52:40 AM >

_____________________________

I said I was a submissive, I never said I was a GOOD submissive.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
~Woody Allen

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 14

RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 7/24/2007 8:38:46 AM

Kinkypupper

Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline

The key to your statement is "We play with other couples and woman, so I am not sure how I should take this. He did collar me and not her. "
With that kind of openness there is NO acceptable reason why you should not have been informed of this other "sub" a year ago and not a week ago. What other secrets are lurking ?
As my slave just told me "its an almost universal statement with Masters in that they feel they have the right to do what ever they feel they want to do without taking the responsibility of honesty" I am guilty of that with just a statement I made to a person 2 yrs ago just after she and I had met.
Am I the same person I was when I made that comment ? no. Do I admit saying it, Yes I also regret doing so as due to that there will forever be a small fear in my slaves mind that I "could" actually do something behind her back. Even tho the comment I made had nothing to do with doing anything behind her back but with her present in a scene.
I beleave that a collar, altho just a symbol means more then a wedding ring and should not ever be "removed" except in the case of lieing to ones slave. The most important thing about a M/s relationship is the total honesty that exists between Master and slave and that there is no subject that cannot be talked about. And its most definately a 2 way street.
In your case you should have been informed of this others existance over a year ago, If you were its my guess that you would have accepted its existance. But you were not informed by your Master but by this other person. He is now playing damage control so that he might not loose you, Unfortunately the damage is done, You will forever have this fear and doubt. Trust in a D/s and BDSM relationship is everything, It takes a huge amount of trust to put ones life in the hands of another. That trust is gone, What you do is your choice and no one here can suggest a course that fits you. Unfortunately your relationship appears to be over.

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to LacyD)

Post #: 15

RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 7/24/2007 10:00:44 AM

sphinx78

Posts: 10
Joined: 7/18/2007
Status: offline

quote:

Can trust in a M/s relationship be rebuilt after something like this?

Greetings

In a word - No! It cannot. If he did it to you, it's almost certain he's doing it to someone else, too, and not telling you about the one he has found after you to play with when you're not around.

Also, if he was not up front to you about her, then think about whether he was up front to her about you. If it took her a whole year to contact you, then she was most likely in the dark the whole time, as well. He's lied to her, he's lied to you, and in light of this, there simply is no telling how many others he has on the sidelines, not telling any of them about you or her, and not telling either of you about them.

Run. Run fast and don't look back. Find someone who is worthy of your submission, worthy of your surrender. Find someone who will be completely honest with you. No matter how many girls he has, there is simply no reason to keep a any of them in the dark about the others, and no reason to keep his feelings for any one of them in the dark from any of the others. It's as simple as that.

i wish you weill

^[sphinx]^

(in reply to LacyD)

Post #: 16

RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 7/24/2007 10:28:21 AM

caught4u

Posts: 132
Joined: 5/25/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LacyD

Thanks Red,
Actually I have not been on this profile for a while. We were looking for couples to play with together and possibly for me when he was busy. That was HIS idea, because I kept asking for more of his time. As I said he is a BUSY guy.

It never actually happened that way... all of my play has been with him present and in control.

I understand about the role model for the kids. I agree... it is something to seriously mull over.

Lacy.

hmmm ...i am sorry to be so blunt but...busy? are you sure now that every time he was "busy" he wasn't with this sub? just something to think about. i feel bad for your situation

(in reply to LacyD)

Post #: 17

RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 7/24/2007 11:14:04 AM

SayaNereida

Posts: 152
Joined: 7/10/2007
Status: offline

I guess the questions are:

1. Knowing yourself, how do you see your future?
      A.  You give him a chance to win back the trust
            1. What can he do to win it back?
            2. How long do you give him to do that?
            3. How long is he willing to try?

      B. You don't feel he can win back your trust
            1.  The relationship ends
                  *which was the hard limit crossed for you that caused it; the cheating, the lying or both?
             2.  The relationship continues
                   a. Can you be happy and fulfilled in a relationship without trust?
                   b. Can he be happy and fulfilled in a relationship without trust?

For me personally, the trust could not be 'won' back. It was earned and freely given once and it meant nothing to the person, why should rewinning it?

" It's not easy being a cast-iron bitch. It takes discipline, years of training... A lot of people don't appreciate that."

(in reply to caught4u)

Post #: 18

RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 7/24/2007 11:19:39 AM

SexyRed

Posts: 529
Joined: 8/19/2004
Status: offline

I have found that it is impossible to rebuild trust with someone who broke it. As someone said, once it is given freely and it is abused, the relationship is never the same, trust me on that.

_____________________________

A trucker will slow down for a blonde, stop for a brunette, but back up 500 yards for a redhead!

(in reply to SayaNereida)

Post #: 19

RE: Rebuilding Trust. - 7/24/2007 5:25:49 PM

sphinx78

Posts: 10
Joined: 7/18/2007
Status: offline

quote:

I have found that it is impossible to rebuild trust with someone who broke it. As someone said, once it is given freely and it is abused, the relationship is never the same, trust me on that.

Exactly!

(in reply to SexyRed)

Post #: 20

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