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"Help me, please" threads - 7/27/2007 11:10:20 AM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		Hi folks,

These are pretty common threads on any message board, expecially relationship oriented boards.  How we respond to those threads, though, directly influences the type of posts we get.

If, as a community (made up of individual, regular posters) we typically give insulting, sarcastic, or thoughtless replies, other regular readers will be far less likely to post a legitimate "help me" question.  This means the only posts of this nature will be from a much smaller pool of attention seekers who don't care about the quality of the responses, so long as their ego is stroked (or slapped or bitten or punched or kicked.)

By not stirring drama with more drama, and simply passing such by, we reduce the amount of eyesore posts, and improve the quality of the questions we receive in the future.

This public service message brought to you by the Tender Hearted Sadists of America.

Stephan


_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: "Help me, please" threads - 7/27/2007 11:40:08 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Sometimes people need to be told "Shut up and deal" and sometimes people need to be told "It's ok"

A lot of the "help" threads are made by people who don't actually want help, but just want to be told they are ok and the other person is mean and bad and get justification against them.

I've been told tons of times that I'm too hard on people.  And I've had tons of people come back later and thank me for being so hard on them.

It's all a judgement call.  I just wish people would make better thread titles than "help me" or "question."

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Stephann)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: "Help me, please" threads - 7/27/2007 11:44:10 AM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		Yeah, me too.  I HATE when the title of a thread is "Help me, please"......:

Stephan


_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: "Help me, please" threads - 7/27/2007 12:07:28 PM   
earthycouple


Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline 		I disagree, OP.  We who are rooted in reality and choose to post things that are valid.....not for the sake of wanking material..... see those who do post to get off on these "help me threads" for what they are.  We consistently assist those who really need a shoulder... and speaking of which...there were three pages of thoughtful words for me when I posted about the end of my relationship and I believe the pages are still going strong in support of Majikslave who also is going through troubled times. 

For those who come to the boards brand new to post are going to post regardless because they are not doing the LA search function and finding the dozens of other threads that match their type of post.  Those who have never posted but read consistently are as much a part of the day to day here as we frequent posters and choose not to post (I feel) because they prefer to read and don't want to post.  I highly doubt they are afraid of the masses of meanies who call a spade a spade here.   If you, OP, can't tell wanking material from real issues, that is your problem.  If I ever find I've posted to someone in error, I will gladly apologize to said poster for making a snide remark when they were indeed truly in need of help. 

As far as I am concerned those who feel death at their doorstep because their online master for the last month disappeared or because they were dumped before ever having met in person...these people need help way beyond what any poster here can give...they need mental help for delving into a situation so surface valued with their entire heart.  Intelligence plays a huge part in life...regardless of where you live life....on forums or in your own home.  If your reality is a forum and emails with people you have never met and that is your ONLY reality, as many of these "help me" threads indicate, I have no pity or help beyond get a medical professional to teach you how to survive in the real world.

I am thankful for the kind words and I am thankful for the reality checks given here each and every day.  I am even thankful for the wankers because they provide a laugh on occasion.

< Message edited by earthycouple -- 7/27/2007 12:08:46 PM >

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to Stephann)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: "Help me, please" threads - 7/27/2007 12:18:45 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		The reality is that many of the folks out here would not be qualified to administer a drink of water to someone who is dying of thirst.....They would simply fuck it up....They would continually talk about meaningless shit why the guy dies before them or would misdiagnose the situation so drastically that they would end up force feeding him saltine crackers as a cure.

So if someone posts a really stupid question you are suggesting that they are able to discern the water from the crackers.....I'm not so sure about that one.

So when you post you have to take the good with the bad....The snide with the thoughtful and use whatever sense you have to distinguish between the two.

_____________________________



(in reply to earthycouple)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: "Help me, please" threads - 7/27/2007 12:26:54 PM   
MistressCass


Posts: 80
Joined: 5/30/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

Hi folks,

These are pretty common threads on any message board, expecially relationship oriented boards.  How we respond to those threads, though, directly influences the type of posts we get.

If, as a community (made up of individual, regular posters) we typically give insulting, sarcastic, or thoughtless replies, other regular readers will be far less likely to post a legitimate "help me" question.  This means the only posts of this nature will be from a much smaller pool of attention seekers who don't care about the quality of the responses, so long as their ego is stroked (or slapped or bitten or punched or kicked.)

By not stirring drama with more drama, and simply passing such by, we reduce the amount of eyesore posts, and improve the quality of the questions we receive in the future.

This public service message brought to you by the Tender Hearted Sadists of America.

Stephan


 
 
LOVE IT...."Tender Hearted Sadists of America"  
Mind if I steal it from you?  Or quote you at a bare minimum?

(in reply to Stephann)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: "Help me, please" threads - 7/27/2007 12:58:10 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I think it's okay to express an opinion about somebody's circumstances (the ones they've described) if they post on the boards asking for help, and I truly think they do probably need to be prepared to hear all kinds of opinions if they do that. BUT, I have to say that I  agree with Stephann, in that I wonder how much yelling at people is very helpful to them.

No offense to anyone meant by this comment, because I truly respect the opinions of some here whom I see who post "harsh" comments to others sometimes, but - personally, I think in order to know whether "tough love" works for someone, you might need to know them pretty well, so I myself tend to "err on the side of caution" when it comes to these kinds of threads. I think kindness is probably more effective, overall, as far as helping anyone. Or at least, remaining neutral. I could be wrong, but that's my opinion. Of course everyone else has a right to their opinion, too.

*The other thing to keep in mind is that we all have our own personalities. I've seen people cringe at comments here that would roll off someone else's back like water off a duck. Some of us are more sensitive than others, IMO.- Susan 

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/27/2007 1:18:16 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to MistressCass)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: "Help me, please" threads - 7/27/2007 12:59:17 PM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		i agree with you Stephann but you have neglected one small point... some people come here and actually enjoy and like to be rude, mean, insulting, sarcastic, and thoughtless.  They thrive and feed off the drama - no cure for that, unfortunately

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to MistressCass)
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RE: "Help me, please" threads - 7/27/2007 1:00:48 PM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		OMG - Susan *big hugs* it's so wonderful to see you again!  Have missed your posts - glad to see you back

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to velvetears)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: "Help me, please" threads - 7/27/2007 1:02:37 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks, velvetears. Same to you. I have been super-busy trying to get my house "re-habbed" for re-sale. It's been quite an ordeal! Sorry I disappeared - there was just so much work with the house I realisitically could just not be on here every day. I knew I just had no time. *I really apologize to anyone who wrote if I did not write back (right away, or at all). I really do. There was so much stuff to do around my house - and I had contractors everywhere , it was a real mess. It's almost done now, though ("almost" being the key word here, hehe). Glad to be back here. - Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/27/2007 1:50:27 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to velvetears)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: "Help me, please" threads - 7/27/2007 1:07:43 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		For the most part, you have to think about the original poster and not just the responses.
Someone who puts a help me please and then complains about the horrible situation they have gotten into becasue they cheated on one Master to go see another and got caught by both, so on so forth (for instance, I dont know if there is or isnt one of thse actually out there) is going to get blasted. They are posting hoping we are all going to feel bad and figure out how to make it all better, whe in reality its drama and garbage like that that gives the community a bad name.
Then, there are those who ask for legitimate help on dealing with LDRs, establishing and maintaining poly families, entering Gor... and when the requests LOOK sincere they tend to be treated that way. The problems I notice is when someone posts something so blatantly ridiculous as to lok like a dig for attention, something brought about by their own stupidity where tey are trying to get out of the consequences they should have to bear, or if they are defensive from the get go.
I take a look at whats asked, and if I have anything wrthwile to weigh in, I usually will. Or if the post hits a sore spot and the poster needs a bit of a reality check, I will do that as well. If someone doesnt like what I say, then thats too bad. I do not sugar coat, and in real life this is the same information youd get werer you a real friend and in a real bind.
Taking the anonymity of the internet to alow yourself to act stupidly and then hope others can help you defuse a situation is what causes us to get fewer and fewer real requests for info and more and more drama hounds.

My 2 cents
DV


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to velvetears)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: "Help me, please" threads - 7/27/2007 1:07:54 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		See and I figure there's enough people out there erring for caution and being nice, that it's ok for me to throw out the tough love.  Balance and all.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: "Help me, please" threads - 7/27/2007 1:10:38 PM   
caught4u


Posts: 132
Joined: 5/25/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

Hi folks,

These are pretty common threads on any message board, expecially relationship oriented boards.  How we respond to those threads, though, directly influences the type of posts we get.

If, as a community (made up of individual, regular posters) we typically give insulting, sarcastic, or thoughtless replies, other regular readers will be far less likely to post a legitimate "help me" question.  This means the only posts of this nature will be from a much smaller pool of attention seekers who don't care about the quality of the responses, so long as their ego is stroked (or slapped or bitten or punched or kicked.)

By not stirring drama with more drama, and simply passing such by, we reduce the amount of eyesore posts, and improve the quality of the questions we receive in the future.

This public service message brought to you by the Tender Hearted Sadists of America.

Stephan


 
 
i agree and i have felt intimidated by some of the bullies on here.....

(in reply to Stephann)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: "Help me, please" threads - 7/27/2007 1:11:55 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Well yeah. Of course it is, LA! In my humble opinion (for what it's worth anyway)  99% of the time I think your opinions are very balanced, and I also have the impression you are genuinely trying to help people with your comments, and not just vent "hostility" (or whatever). 

I think there is a distinct difference between doing that, and just posting comments I see some write that are akin to: "Poor baby! Want some cheese with that whine?" etc. For one thing, IMO, those kinds of comments display zero understanding that the OP's post has even been read, or any attempt made to understand it. 

General comments (to anyone, not just LA) : I realize there are people who specialize in "creating drama" But, my opinion is those people aren't going to suddenly change their entire M.O. - which has probably become ingrained in their psyche over a period of many years - simply because a few folks on a message board called them on what they perceived of as "bad behavior".

Not to mention any objective notion of what constitutes "bad behavior" is pretty much up for grabs. It might not hurt to post a comment, and this is a public message board, and they did ask for comments, BUT - I think it's a fair bet that my one little comment probably won't change the essence-fiber of their entire, years-in-the-making, being.

In any case, that kind of under-taking would probably be better left to their Master or Mistress, not random people on a message board (and I see people post comments to that effect, too, sometimes). So anyway, that's a big part of my reasoning. So why am I wiriting This, you may ask? Good question. My answer is that - 

The other part of my reasoning is that I genuinely think truly nasty commentary (as opposed to pretty objective, if not "warm and fuzzy" comments, or nice, kind warm and fuzzy comments) might really do more harm than good. Personally, I tend to follow the advice of people who either: Give me an "objective" opinion (even if there are parts of it I dis-like, if it's balanced) OR who I like and respect. And I tend to not like and-or respect people who do nothing but yell or say nasty things.

Bottom line, I just don't consider it very effective. Again, this is just my opinion. If that makes sense. Everyone has their own, of course.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/27/2007 1:47:51 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: "Help me, please" threads - 7/27/2007 1:34:51 PM   
LdyScarletDomina


Posts: 118
Joined: 4/22/2007
Status: offline 		Also keep in mind that there are times when things get so bad for some people that they cannot see their own hand in front of their faces much less decipher whether the path they are on is valid for them.  Sometimes an unbiased, even harshly critical "yo, dummy, LOOK."  can be all it takes to switch on the light.  But I do agree that sometimes its just the low self-esteemed people that need their ego stroked when their poor judgement choices "break their hearts" 

I've had very painful "yo stupid!"  responses from some of the posters here that hurt and angered me at the time but that I understood later to have been the best thing anyone could have said to me.  And I have been more grateful to those who have given honest if not painful critizism than to those who simply wanted to pat my hand and move on.  I have appreciated these people (and will avoid mentioning names so as not to embarrass anyone)

In a time where everything seems to be falling to slow and draining censorship, many times I've come to these boards to get the uncensored truth - biased or not.  Anyone who posts "help me please" and then gets insulted, needs more help than any  of us can provide w/o a degree! 

Lady Scarlet

_____________________________

"Great balls of fire. Don't bother me anymore, and don't call me sugar." Scarlet O'Hara, Gone With The Wind

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: "Help me, please" threads - 7/27/2007 1:35:11 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		If I were asking for help you would be the one I'd go to Stephan...damn, damn, damn now I can't come to you.

I do post legitamate posts to those type of questions though.  The way I see it...everyone is new and ignorant at some point.  That doesn't mean you don't get tired of reading them...yet for the person posting it is the first time for them.
Empathy goes along way for me.

(in reply to Stephann)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: "Help me, please" threads - 7/27/2007 1:49:14 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Well, I agree that can happen as a result too, LdyScarletDomina. In my case, it might happen less often than for some, but it has happened to me also. - Susan 

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to LdyScarletDomina)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: "Help me, please" threads - 7/27/2007 2:17:16 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

Well, I agree that can happen as a result too, LdyScarletDomina. In my case, it might happen less often than for some, but it has happened to me also. - Susan 


Hi Susan!
Nice to see you back.
You'll have to fill us in on all your adventures.

_____________________________

"But Your Honor, this is not a Jury of my Peers, these people are all decent, honest, law-abiding citizens!"

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: "Help me, please" threads - 7/27/2007 2:38:50 PM   
tricia


Posts: 231
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Drama is drama, whether posted by a regular on the message boards or someone who is new.  Even a bit of drama is okay when tempered with some common sense and even the slightest bit of intelligence.
 
What i find ironic are the recent posts about avoiding the drama here only to find 100 replies to the "help me, i've fallen over a cyber Master and i can't get up" topics.

(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: "Help me, please" threads - 7/27/2007 2:45:05 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

See and I figure there's enough people out there erring for caution and being nice, that it's ok for me to throw out the tough love.  Balance and all.


Giving it to someone straight is different than joining in the mocking ridicule fests that so often happen with questionable OPs.  You might come down harder than I would from time to time, but I haven't seen you engage in a silly laugh-fest at someone else.

I also believe it is fully possible to develop feelings for someone you haven't met in person yet.  I've seen it time and again.  I've listened to others tell me of longing for another.  I've felt it myself.  Feelings are real to the person feeling them.  I'm not a fan of invalidating someone else because they have feelings for someone.  I had feelings for my Master before I met him.  I suppose if he had walked away from me prior to my meeting him they wouldn't have counted though...  That's the stuff that bugs me.


(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 20
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