RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy

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BDsbabygirl -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 4:12:09 AM)
...and you are completely correct, rollinonward05, my job is about pleasing him and making him happy. I bend over backwards every day - even to the point of giving up wigs to wear my own God-given hair, not buying colored contact lenses, and not having plastic surgery, all things I very much want and am quite unhappy to do without - to make him happy, for it is always on my mind - "What can I do to make Big Daddy happy? Did I accomplish today's tasks?". Up until now, he's told me time and again how happy I make him. But I also know that a large part of what makes him happy is pleasing me - he's really concerned at not playing me to orgasm yet, but that's a whole 'nother matter - and if I know that certain actions will make me very unhappy, wouldn't I be failing in my job by not telling him what he needs to know to accomplish his goal?

BDsbabygirl -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 4:16:48 AM)
Welcome back, came4U...I didn't start something with him knowing I had these feelings; I didn't know until tonite, er, last nite. Would never have guessed I'd react so strongly!

slaveish -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 4:19:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl SusanofO, I don't think he could have known it bothered me; up until tonite, it did only in a very minor, normal-for-me kind of way, ie nothing I couldn't handle. It was just talking about that damned fantasy that crushed me...don't know if I'll be able to talk about any others now, lest he remember something and comment on it, however innocently. How very passive-aggressive of you. If you haven't told him it bothers you then he sure can't pluck it out of your mind, regardless of how forlorn and sorrowful you look. TELL him it bothers you!!! Or show him this thread. That should do nicely. If you are completely bent on sabotaging the relationship, keep doing what you're doing. It will be over soon enough. If he's worth throwing away, regardless that he says that he loves you like no other and more than he thought possible, you're a better woman than I. He could have flogged the entire country, had sex on elephants, made Alaskan ice dungeons and used snow dildos on everyone in the world, and it would make zero difference as long as he loved me. Wait a sec ... you aren't looking for love, are you? This is something different to you, and is not about mutuality or long-term commitment. I think maybe you should inspect that - if you don't want what he has to offer, be done with it before you hurt him. If you don't want a Dom with a past to throw cold water on your fantasies, find a newbie so that you can be on a level playing field.

BDsbabygirl -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 4:24:43 AM)
gets Checklist and pencils...no, pens* in "being forced to do something I've already stated I'm completely against" under 'hard limits' (but isn't that a hard limit in and of itself? is confused.* (list still able to be amended, at this point)...and it's not as though I don't do what I'm told/required; I've done plenty of things I've been quite uncomfortable with just because he told me to. But to be forced to do something I've said I hate the idea of? Doesn't sound "sane, safe, and concensual" (is that right?) to me...

bignipples2share -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 4:28:16 AM)
Are you saying you've had previous partners who've mentioned their ex's, yet it didn't bother you? Are you saying that, for some reason, it's different this time? If this is the case and your feelings are so drastically different from previous partners, how can you not see that even though he's had previous partners, this time, with you, is drastically different? ~Big

slaveish -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 4:30:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl ...and you are completely correct, rollinonward05, my job is about pleasing him and making him happy. I bend over backwards every day - even to the point of giving up wigs to wear my own God-given hair, not buying colored contact lenses, and not having plastic surgery, all things I very much want and am quite unhappy to do without - to make him happy, for it is always on my mind - "What can I do to make Big Daddy happy? Did I accomplish today's tasks?". Up until now, he's told me time and again how happy I make him. But I also know that a large part of what makes him happy is pleasing me - he's really concerned at not playing me to orgasm yet, but that's a whole 'nother matter - and if I know that certain actions will make me very unhappy, wouldn't I be failing in my job by not telling him what he needs to know to accomplish his goal? First point. If you are going to use the things you give up for him in order to use them as weapons, there is no point. If it does not please you to no end to do these things for him, you're only martyring yourself, and that never ends well. If you can speak to him repsectfully about what makes you happy AND if you can be happy regardless of his decision because it is HIS decision, then the answer to your last question is yes. If you can't be happy, if you sulk, if you hate him for it, if you keep trying to sabotage this relationship, then no. And if the answer is no, then you probably shouldn't be his submissive. Submitting is SUBMITTING, not passively-aggressively controlling your Dom. You're new to the whole idea I take it, and it does take some doing, especially if you're used to controlling your own life and having a certain amount of control in relationships. Get your head on straight. D/s is not magic. It's not special. Make the effort to submit or realize it's just not working for you. It is relationship-based, not all about kink, and it's not all about you. There is another person involved - Him. You know ... your Dominant. No foul if you find you can't be a submissive. Take a close look at yourself and the situation. Decide if you can do it - it's not for everyone. It sounds like he's willing to train you, it sounds like he cares a lot for you. It sounds, in fact, like you wield a lot of power (hint hint). A submissive's power is often quiet, subtle, and as strong as steel. I wish you well in this, as I wish your Sir well too.

came4U -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 4:34:47 AM)
Feelings of these type of insecurities do not appear/occur overnight. I have always been this way. Probably always will be. That is why I avoid a commitment/relationship thus far (in this realm most likely you will run into men who have had 10 subs and done numerous kinks with them). It is similar to finding out your 'real dad' has another family across town. does he love them more? do those daughters get the cool brand-name Barbies and you get the knock-off cheapos?, Do they get cool clothes and he comes home to you to bring their handmedowns? You either have to stop that thinking somehow, or tell him it is eating you up. Because it isn't fair to anyone being half of a trusting/loving sub/girl to any man/Dom. Give all, or at least try or don't give at all.

BDsbabygirl -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 4:34:52 AM)
Thanks for that, slaveish, I am quite chastened. I will not lie or be dishonest, no matter how it pains me to admit to certain things...or keep things hidden. As for love, it's all I was looking for; I had nothing other than a slight curiosity about BDSM. In fact, I am not usually submissive in R/L, it's only my great love for him that has brought out a submissive side in me. Were it not for him, I may never have known and should we part, I would not look for another, I'd go back to kinky vanilla...So, it is because of how much I love him that I desire a "special, new to both of us" scene. If I didn't adore and almost worship him, I wouldn't care a lick about what he'd done before.

slaveish -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 4:38:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl gets Checklist and pencils...no, pens* in "being forced to do something I've already stated I'm completely against" under 'hard limits' (but isn't that a hard limit in and of itself? is confused.* (list still able to be amended, at this point)...But to be forced to do something I've said I hate the idea of? Doesn't sound "sane, safe, and concensual" (is that right?) to me... Depends. Did you ~tell~ him that certain things were hard limits by saying "This is a hard limit" NOT "Ohhh, that doesn't sound like something I'd like"? What did you negotiate? "I hate the idea of X" is more of a soft limit to me. It means I hate the idea but I didn't call it a hard limit, so it is something that can be pushed if it pleases the Dom to do so.

slaveish -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 4:42:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl If I didn't adore and almost worship him, I wouldn't care a lick about what he'd done before. This is a dichotomous statement. If you adore and almost worship him, then why does it matter? He's the same person regardless of your feelings for his past, so you either adore and worship him as his is (it's called acceptance) or you pick and choose and try to create Frankenstein's monster out of his assorted parts. (That won't work, btw. ~grinning~) I know it may seem like I'm giving you a hard time - that is not my intent at all. I'm trying to get you to see what's going on. We are a resource for you, not the authority on your dynamic, your Dom, or you. All we are is a collective group of mixed experiences who can offer advice and hopefully impart, at least once in awhile, a valuable "Aha!"

BDsbabygirl -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 4:44:42 AM)
slaveish, I don't feel as though I'm being martyrish; I obey him because I love him deeply and it gives me great pleasure to do things that make him happy, even if I don't enjoy the exact thing I'm doing. Hasn't anyone else done something out of a desire to please, not because they like the idea of the thing itself? I'm sure I've read about it on the boards many a time. And if we only got told to do or not do things we enjoyed, would it really be submitting? Isn't submitting about giving regardless of how you feel? And if he decides to go thru with my no-longer-fantasy? If I stayed and did it, I'd only be faking enjoyment while doing it and isn't faking doing a disservice to the relationship? What if I didn't fake? Then it would be apparent how much I'd abhor doing it and it would still bother him...actually try to enjoy it? I don't think it can be done...is like breaking a hard limit, now, and aren't they supposed to respect those; we're not talking 'edgeplay' here.

BDsbabygirl -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 4:51:08 AM)
slaevish, "being forced to do a fantasy I no longer want to do and in fact, now abhor" was not on the list and it never crossed my mind until tonight. But that does bring up a question -- if something on the list is "acceptable" but for some reason becomes the exact opposite, can it not be changed? 'twould be the case with this fantasy ... also, I do love and worship him but why should that mean that I want to know all about his past and his exes? I can love him for who he is and for what the past has made him without having to know the gory details, can't I?

bandit25 -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 4:53:37 AM)
I read this entire thread just now and I must say I am amazed. I looked at the OPs profile...honey, you're not a kid. Grow up. I mean seriously...so he's done things with other women. You have three kids (according to your posts). Gee, I guess that means you MUST have done something with another man. Does he expect you to hide your kids so he won't be reminded? What's the difference? He's with YOU now not with them. What's to be jealous about? For me, it doesn't make much difference one way or the other...however, if we're talking edge play, you are damn skippy I want to know that he's had experience and the his other sub lived to tell about it! Honey, we all process information based on prior knowledge or experience. So, he mentioned you need to do your fantasy in summer. Would you rather he hadn't said anything and you froze your ass off in the winter? Why don't you try looking at the things he says as him being considerate? As him giving you assurances that he knows that the hell he is doing? Personally, I'd rather be with a dom who has some experience...and if my fantasy or whatever is impractical, he'll tell me why. Sorry about the grow up comment but, in my opinion, you're being kind of childish. You really need to talk with him about this. If you try, you can get over it. Good luck.

BDsbabygirl -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 4:54:59 AM)
...which actually brings up another question -- isn't a large part of BDSM about "training" a sub? What is "training" if not changing the sub somehow? Yes, it is about teaching her/him in what the Dom likes but it seems to me - or at least has been my experience, like in the "wear your own hair" when I was wearing wigs when we met and in him not allowing me to raise my voice when raising my voice was a part of who I was - that part of it is about changing the sub, too. Are Doms so perfect that they don't need changed while the subs do?...not that I'd change him at all, I just don't wanna know certain things.

Cyntilating -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 4:56:20 AM)
BDsbabygirl... I agree with several points others have made already>> that jealousy is very much fear based emotion, and so perhaps taking some time to seriously look inside and ask yourself what you are fearing when he speaks of past experiences. ( not knowing how often he refers to others> I will refrain from actually mentioning that that would be insensative and undermining for him to do constantly..I don't have a sense from your post how often and in what context..so I wont go there ) also> someone else commented about your response to his attempts to reassure you and your reply " blah blah blah" ... I agree, that is very telling, that you feel that way. It is a child-like ( and I didnt say childish, and I am not saying this to insult you ) response..........as a mother you know what a child means when they respond to something you have said with " blah blah blah " ...how does that make you feel as a mother? and you probably know it is their defense mechanizm for blocking out something they don't want to hear the parent say>>>>>>so, when YOU say that, what is it that HE is saying that you do not want to hear?????why do you not want to hear his response or answer to your comment or question about his others and how they effect you?? ( thats rhetorical, of course and for your to answer for yourself, you do not have to answer here ) Using your own analogy about "first time experiences" perhaps think about this>>> You say you have 3 kids : ) ...with the first one you watched them grow, helped them stand and then walk....were THRILLED with each new step and stage...took them to the zoo...park....disneyland.....etc... the 2nd child, and 3rd came along>>> you watched them grow as well...thrilled in each new experience and step and stage they went through.......took THEM to disneyland...the zoo...etc>>>> did/was your joy and amazement in the 3rd child walking for the first time, or their eyes widening with joy at seeing Mickey Mouse on stage, diminish from when you saw that happen for your 1st child? or 2nd? Did you as momma feel the same pride and joy and happiness in watching them grow? no matter which child, or how many times its happened before, we as parents can be excited and full of wonder at each experience..... ya the zoo is the zoo..but it's not about the place, its about the experience and what you make of it and seeing it through different eyes makes it different each time you go.... make any sense??????? I really can relate to some of the insecurities you are talking about, early on in my relationship, ohhh so many years ago. I know they are legitimate and I know they trouble you, because you do NOT want to have them, but do not know how to not have them.. what worked for me...Us was> lots and lots of communication...both verbal and written. alot of introspection on my part. patience on his part as well as mine. and time.. But I had to stay in the ME statements and not the YOU statements.. look at myself and my reactions and try to own the lions share of the cause and reason for the "problem"... if you walk away???> why would you ? what are you running from? tackling the hard stuff? jealousy ( fear ) is only one of many emotions you will visit in your journey with him. emotions can be run from or dealt with.. which do you choose? be well smiles Cyndi

desiresluv -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 4:57:39 AM)
In my opinion, the past is in the past. If he did not love and want to be with you, he doesn't have to. Just as you have experienced others, so has he. It does not lessen what he is feeling with you right now. I would think you would be happy to have such a patient and loving, as well as experienced Dom by your side. I would much prefer that to one that has no experience. Maybe I am just being judgemental because I would love to have what you have...you should look to the future and stop trying to live in his past. No matter what you do, the past is there~~but with that said..the future is now! Enjoy "your" time with him...before you lose him because of your jealousy of his past. Good luck! [:)]

BDsbabygirl -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 5:00:08 AM)
Thanks, bandit25, I suppose it is childish but how am I supposed to get the image of him doing my special fantasy with someone else (remember, we're talking special fantasies, not all BDSM activity, here!) out of my head? Part of the fantasy, I suppose, was doing it with someone else who hadn't done it. Hey! light goes on Perhaps when he asks about my fantasies, I can say, "doing thus-and-such with someone else who's never done it before, either" since it would be accurate...

SusanofO -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 5:01:49 AM)
I just have to say that reading this thread has really brought home to me how MUCH many submissives are conditioned, and-or need to believe that whatever goes "wrong" in a relationship is almost always automatically their fault. If her Dom just changed doing one little thing (mentioning past BDSM experience with other women, and that would only be a minor inconveniece on his part) - then this entire problem might disappear. Instead, the conclusion of many (not all) seeemed to automatically be that she was being "over-sensitive". Well, IMO, maybe a little. BUT - I know she started out asking for advice and blaming herself for being "jealous", and her Dom could be making "innocent" remarks, but - He might also be a game-playing, ego-centric jerk. It sounds like he is probably the former, and he sounds like he could really be concerned for her welfare and says he cares, and tries to show it but still - In my admitedly limited experience, while I know people who might mention past relationships once or twice, or in a "get to know you" conversation(s) where we discuss past our personal history, I haven't heard (or run across) many men who bring it up in everyday conversation - unless their express purpose IS to make someone else jealous, or unless they are insensitive clods. Maybe this is just my "sensitivity spot". I don't particuarly want (or need) to hear about every little nuance (or even "fond memory") of any SO's past relationships. It bugs me, and I can see why it would bug someone else, too. I think she has every right to bring this up, talk to him about it, and to ask him to not do it any more. If he doesn't "want to" or think he should have to - then I guess he needs to realize he may lose her, and that this behavior is undermining their relationship. It sounds like he cares enough to not let that happen. Good luck to her. Just my "two cents" - and not meant in any way to be offensive (truly). I am not meaning to be disrespectful to anyone by stating this, either. No offense intended. - Susan

BDsbabygirl -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 5:02:15 AM)
...because a LARGE part of my fantasies centers around the idea that the activity is new to both me and my partner and that we're both enjoying it for the first time ever...else it wouldn't be a fantasy...

bandit25 -> RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy (7/29/2007 5:12:57 AM)
You're right Susan, he might be an ego centric jerk. That doesn't change the fact that she is in a D/s relationship and unless not talking about past experiences is something they negotiated, then, unless she brings it up now as a negotiation point, she's pretty much stuck with it. I do agree that many submissives tend to blame everything on themselves, BUT from my limited experience, a lot of times that's because the submissive hasn't shared how she feels with her dominant. She's blaming herself...he's not...at least we don't know because they haven't discussed it. Perhaps, she could work on being less sensitive and he could work on consciously trying not to mention other experiences. <shrug> Who knows? He may not be aware of her feelings.

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